Vice versa (Harry Potter)

«Hi, citrus red scale! 

Here are your assignments. Keep in mind, we've got a new homeroom teacher, and he said he'll be strict. I talked to him and explained your situation. He said he'll help if things get too rough. He looked so sympathetic—probably got shoved into a private school himself back in the day. 

How's it going over there? Come on, spill the tea! Even briefly, or else this poor owl will drop from exhaustion, and your aunt is already giving me the death stare… 

P.S. Dudley tried to mess with me. I told him that if he even lays a finger on me, you'd turn him into a pig when you come back. That's okay? 

«Hello, apple codling moth!

Thanks for the assignments, I'm managing so far. I'll send you the finished ones; you can ask the teacher to at least glance at them. Or compare them with yours so I know where I messed up. 

I'll have to write so much that the owl might fall out of the sky! When I get back for the holidays, I'll give you a full report. For now, I'll just say this: their so-called prestigious school is pure darkness! 

And it's so annoying that everyone recognizes me by that stupid scar and calls me "the boy who lived." I'm basically a celebrity… I did ask my aunt to take me to a plastic surgeon to get rid of it, but no, "scars add character to a man!" And now it turns out it's not just a scar, but I can't write about it. All hush-hush for now. 

P.S. You said it right, but don't turn him into a pig—he'd be happy stuffing himself and snoozing all day. Make it a canary. Let him chirp a bit.»

«Hey, pest!

Mr. Jones said he can't check your homework—he's swamped with work as it is, and you're not technically a student here anymore. But if I ask him a question "on my behalf," he's happy to explain. So… remember, "even if you're eaten, you have at least two ways out"? Found one! 

And seriously, why haven't you gotten your own owl? You said you could! You're sending a different one each time, and people here are starting to freak out! Oh, and could you send them closer to nighttime? Owls during the day are a bit too much! 

And why not use your fame? Extra perks, no? 

By the way, made any friends yet? 

P.S. Dudley and his gang now steer clear of me.»

«Hello, apple mite!

Great, I knew I could count on you! When I visit, I'll drop by the school myself to talk to Mr. Jones—it's kind of awkward otherwise. How is he, by the way? A decent guy? Because every teacher here seems like a walking case study for a psychiatrist! 

I don't want my own owl. A personal one can be tracked, and who knows what could happen? Besides, I'm no good at handling them. I could've gone for a cat or a toad, but I found out too late. Maybe I'll get a kitten—it's warm and fluffy, at least. But what's the point of toads? Oh, and another guy here has a rat. Disgusting! I can't stand them, and his is scruffy and ancient—he says it's an heirloom from his older brother. Ew. 

Still no luck with friends… I'll explain at home. Honestly, dorm life is a nightmare. The only place to hide is the library, and even that's always crowded. 

P.S. Keep it up!»

«Hey, whitefly!

Mr. Jones is a great guy—strict but reasonable. I think you'll work things out. 

Makes sense about the owl, fair enough. Want me to find you a kitten? Miss Figg seems to have some new ones, and you know her cats… Or should I look elsewhere? (Might also solve your rat problem.) 

About the dorms—my condolences. I went to a summer camp once, stuttered for a week after. 

Sounds like you've got plenty of stories! I can't wait for you to visit. Want me to meet you when you arrive?»

«Hi… Okay, I'm out of pest nicknames unless we start recycling.

No need to meet me; Uncle Vernon will pick me up at the station. After that, we'll party! 

Don't get the kitten. I've got no time for it, and I'd feel bad if it went feral or, worse, died. 

I'll be there soon—wait for me!»