Valor and Violence

Calris was alone in his cabin, wishing the journey to Marduk didn’t take so long. Ban was off somewhere, probably with the scullery maid, and Calris was going stir crazy. Ironically, for a marine, he hated long voyages. He felt cooped up, like a dog in a cage. It was worse after the events of the last few weeks.

Alone with his thoughts, he was struggling to run away from the facts; he nearly lost in Salazaar, he lost against the dark mage, then again against Elizabeth. And the beasts… he had survived that battle, but so many of his brothers hadn’t, and if it weren’t for the people by his side, he would have fallen at the hands of that last brute, even with his temporary boost.

Before the business with the Key started, he knew he was practically invincible. Now he didn’t know whether he was an asset or a liability. By the Pantheon, he wished he had some answers, about the Key, those monsters, or himself. Although, at the moment, he would settle for something to do.

“Lord Cael, chief among gods…” he began, after all it had worked last time, but his mildly sacrileges prayer was cut short by a soft knock at his door. He frowned, the muscles in his shoulders tensing up as he stared at the door. Ban wouldn’t bother knocking, and it was far too tentative to be a marine, which left a small pool of possible candidates. With growing trepidation, he crossed the room and threw the door open.

His eyebrows shot towards his hairline when he found Jasmine standing there, glaring at him. He coughed awkwardly while he waited for her to say something, but she just kept staring.

And staring.

And staring.

“Well… good chat Princess, g’night,” he said as he went to shut the door, only for Jasmine to slam a hand against it, keeping it open.

“Ferez wanted me to come see you. He wanted to ask a favour.”

“He did, did he?”

“Yes. He said I could probably get you to do what we wanted if I flirted with you.”

“Uh, he’s probably right there,” Calris said, uneasily shifting his weight from foot to foot. “So… are you going to flirt with me, then?”

“No.”

“Oh. Alright.”

More silence. Unsure what to do, Calris gestured for her to come in. She entered, but didn’t stop glaring, even after she claimed a seat on Ban’s bunk. Calris wasn’t sure what to make of this, and he certainly wasn’t sure what to say without it ending in another Flash Bomb.

“Is flirting with me really that bad?” he said in the end.

“I find the concept of flirting with ulterior motives to be distasteful.”

“It’s not just me, then?”

Jasmine hesitated for the barest second before she replied. “It being you doesn’t help matters.”

“Ouch.”

Jasmine sighed and leaned back.

“Don’t take it personally. I just know your type and you don’t do anything for me. I’m sure the knuckleheaded, hyper-violent, dick archetype is very appealing to some women, but not me.”

“What do you go for then, Princess?” Calris asked, taking a seat on his own bunk and reclining.

“Someone with a bit more substance. Someone with half a brain, preferably. Someone who knows how to be a gentleman.”

“I can be a gentleman!” Calris protested.

“I sincerely doubt that, Calris. I don’t hold it against you though, you are the way the Gods made you in their infinite, and unknowable, wisdom. At any rate, we are off topic. I want to ask you for a favour.”

“So you said before you started insulting me,” Calris replied, folding his arms. He felt the heat rising in his chest. He had been in a shitty mood before, and now she wanted to come in here, asking for a favour while deliberately trying to provoke him? She really was an entitled, spoilt brat, and her casual disdain stung Calris, especially after what they had just been through. When she had smiled at him, he had thought they might be able to start over. What a fool he had been.

“What is it, Jasmine? I hope it’s not important because at the moment I’m inclined to say no.”

“We wish to study your unique physiological traits.”

“What exactly do you mean by that?”

“Your resistance to direct magical attacks and your rapid regeneration from injury.”

“Not sure I want you to test that, Princess.”

“Stop being a child. Obviously, the High Mage will not do anything to jeopardise your health.”

“I dunno, your last experiment jeopardised my health plenty. That bastard in the skull helmet damn near gutted me. And the experiment before that ended in me dashed against a wall.”

Jasmine paused a moment. It was hard to argue with those points, but she quickly regained her composure and tried anyway.

“That was a completely different situation and, contrary to popular opinion, you are smart enough to realise that. We knew there were risks involved when we began…” she stumbled for a moment, her mouth opening and closing without sound until, finally, she mumbled. “Everyone knew there were risks.”

She finished so quietly Calris barely heard the words, and he realised he had inadvertently touched a nerve. For some reason, instead of satisfaction, he felt guilt. She was obnoxious and arrogant and really didn’t seem to like him all that much, but the set of her face, the way she hung her head in that moment…

Regret and shame stabbed through Calris like a knife.

“I’m sorry, Jasmine, I didn’t mean to upset you. This time, anyway. You’re right, of course. We all knew the risks, and we all had a job to do. What happened wasn’t your fault,” he said, stumbling over his words in his haste to get them out.

“I know that!” she yelled, shooting to her feet.

But the way her face was scrunched up? On some level at least, she was holding herself responsible for the company’s dead. He didn’t know what else to say, so he sat silently, feeling foolish for his insensitivity. She was abrasive and mercurial, but she had saved all their lives in the last battle, and personally saved him besides. She hadn’t deserved his thoughtless words. He glanced at her and saw her eyes beginning to moisten.

Oh dear.

He never knew how to handle people crying, and he cast around for something to say, desperate to head off the waterworks.

“Look I… alright. I’ll let you study me,” he said, hoping she would be happy enough to bring her back from the brink of tears. Not the most empathetic response, but it was the best he could do.

“Really?” she asked, dabbing the corner of her eye with her sleeve.

“Yeah. We’ve been through a bit together since we first arrived in Salazaar. You probably saved my life from that dark mage, so I guess I owe you one, at least.”

Jasmine laughed, and Calris found himself enjoying the light, beautiful sound.

“We have been through a lot, haven’t we?” she said with a look on her face that Calris couldn’t read. She raised a hand and ticked off her fingers. “The raiders. That bitch with the trinkets.”

“Knocking me out when we first met,” Calris cut in with a chuckle.

The joke put a smile on Jasmine’s face, and Calris felt one form on his own. He hesitated before speaking again, wondering if he should tell her the other reason he had agreed. In the end, he decided it felt right.

“Truth be told, I’d like to know myself. What happened didn’t make sense. I should be dead right now but something kept me alive. If I can understand it, maybe I can use it again, and at will next time? Instant regeneration could come in handy.”

“I don’t doubt that, especially in your occupation.”

“It has its moments, but you get used to it,” he replied, scratching the back of his head. “Which makes me wonder, how are you doing?”

Jasmine arched an eyebrow and cocked her head.

“Why do you ask?”

“You haven’t been in a battle before, right? Your first time can be… confronting. Especially if you aren’t prepared for it.”

“And you were?”

Calris sighed, thinking back to his days training at the recruit’s school and later at the marine barracks.

“Yes. Sort of. A lot of it they can’t prepare you for, but they make your training as painful as possible, so your stress threshold is already raised when someone swings a sword at you for the first time.”

“What do you mean when you say ‘they made it painful’?”

“Oh, you know. It starts with the yelling, which is constant, then they introduce the exercise sessions, pushing you until you throw up everywhere. You get beaten for being lippy too, so by time you reach the mock battle stage of training you already know how to handle the pain, and you’re too scared of the sergeants to break ranks when you start getting wailed on by the other team,” Calris said, smiling fondly at the memories.

He had been such a little shit when he joined. Ban told him he still was, but at least now he could back his mouth up with his fists when it came to the crunch.

“That sounds pretty terrible.”

“It was,” Calris said with a laugh. “But look at it this way: to forge a sword, you take your block of iron and blast it with heat it until it’s soft. Then you beat it with a hammer; push it, prod it, shape it. A bit of charcoal here, a bit there, and then some more hammering. Not every chunk of metal has what it takes to be a sword, and even if it has the potential, it needs to be forged if it’s to become a weapon worth wielding. People are exactly the same if you want to make a decent soldier. Besides, adversity teaches us more about ourselves and life than comfort.”

“That is… surprisingly wise, Ape,” Jasmine said with a smirk. Despite the obvious insult, it felt more playful than nasty, and Calris smiled back as she continued. “Did you know what you were in for when you joined?”

“More or less. But back to the important stuff. How are you feeling?” he fixed her with a stare to let her know he wouldn’t let it go.

It was obvious she had tried to dodge his question. Usually when people did that, it meant they needed to talk more than even they realised. Jasmine rolled her eyes, but sat down again, this time beside Calris on his bunk. He became acutely aware of how close her body was to his, and he struggled to concentrate when she started talking.

“I am doing alright, Cal. I… had some issues after the battle with the raiders, but… I don’t know. It’s just fading, I guess? I’m getting some sleep again, which is progress. When I think back to it, I still-” she paused, trying to suppress a shudder. “But it doesn’t crowd out my thoughts all day anymore. I am coming to terms with what I did, I think.”

Calris regarded her for a few moments, then leant over and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. She stiffened, but relaxed after a moment. Just a little, barely perceptible beyond a very faint pressure as she leaned into him. But still, she had relaxed. Instead of blowing him up.

He wanted to stay holding her. Maybe say something clever or witty or sweet to make her feel better, but he abruptly realised he had no idea how. Disappointed in himself, he gave her a gentle squeeze and let go.

“That’s good,” he said softly. “It is hard, but if it’s started to ‘fade’, as you say? That’s a good sign.”

Jasmine gave him a small smile and Calris searched her eyes for a hint that she was holding back, or trying to cover up how she was really feeling. She stared back, her eyes steady, sad, but still strong, still resolved. Still green like glittering, flawless emeralds plucked from the bowls of the earth, exposing their beauty to the world for the first time-

Focus!

Calris straightened up, his face burning from embarrassment. Something that had been happening to him a lot lately. If Jasmine noticed, though, she gave no sign. He willed his face to return to a normal colour before he turned back to her.

“If anything changes, Jasmine, or you need to talk, come find me. I’ll always have an open ear for you.”

“Not going to try a line? Maybe ‘if you can’t sleep, or you’re afraid of the dark, come share my bed’?”

Calris let out a hearty laugh. “No, Princess. There’s a time and place for lines like that, but this isn’t one of them… unless?”

“Don’t ruin a nice moment, Ape.”

“Sorry.”

Jasmine laughed as she stood to leave. “Thank you for the talk, Calris. And thank you for agreeing to the study.”

“No problem, Princess,” Calris said, watching her walk to the door. He called out to her as a thought occurred to him.

“Hey Jasmine, before you go, one question.”

“Yes?”

“When you said you didn’t think I could be a gentleman, did you also mean you don’t want me to try?”

Jasmine stared at him for a few long seconds, the faint smile changing its character almost imperceptibly as she replied. “I didn’t say that now, did I?”

She swept out of the room before Calris could respond.