Usurper of Fire

“Oh, I’m good at this.” Thermia said after her, Cadivus, and Ekio set up a table in the tavern. The sign read “Seeking Adventurers: Become Famous and Guaranteed Maidens.” “I helped hire all the servants back home.”

“Isn’t my brother always complaining about theft?” Cadivus asked.

“I let the people Hybie threatened steal… I’m surprised we owned anything, come to think of it.” Several people had lined up, waiting for their chance.

First was a giant, shirtless man. His muscles were large, and his skin was unfathomably oily. He approached the group and placed a foot on the chair rather than sit. The decorated hilt of a large claymore protruded over his head.

“Greetings fellow adventurers,” he said in a deep masculine voice.

At that moment, Cadivus knew he had to do everything in his power to prevent this man from joining them. He knew he would stand no chance of winning Ekio over with this living statue accompanying them. Lucky for him, the women were only making incoherent babbling noises, so he could lead the interview.

“I’m sorry. We didn’t order a stripper. Perhaps you're meant to be in the next tavern over?” he said, pointing toward the door.

The man laughed. Even his laugh was attractive. Damn him.

“Forgive me,” the man said, smiling. “It’s hard to find a shirt that can fit over my chest and shoulders. I lost the last one I had while defeating a giant lizard that was terrorizing some monks near the Boromir Desert.”

“Alrighty. So you have some experience. I should just ask– Are you flexing right now?”

The man shook his head.

“Where do you see yourself in five hundred years?”

“I suppose I will be long dead by then. Perhaps having died in my lover’s arms.”

“Okay. So, no goals…” Cadivus wrote down the answer. “And how often do you cheat on your girlfriends?”

Ekio and Thermia stared at him. Thermia also elbowed him under the table.

“Well, I’ve never been with a woman before, so never,” the man said.

All their ears perked up, and confusion washed over their faces.

“Excuse me?” Thermia said “How is that possible?”

“Well, probably because I’m a nice guy who doesn’t treat women like shit,” the man said. “So why would they want to be with me? Instead they go for the cool evil wizard or the mysterious assassin or the fat drunk guy at the bar!” The man’s face became sweaty as his demeanor fell. His perfect posture now relaxed.

“Right. Well I think we are gonna go another way.” Ekio said. “Nice meeting you?”

“Pussy Slayer is what they call me.” He winked at the women.

“I’m gonna call you…Irony Slayer,” Cadivus said. “Have a good one, Irony Slayer.”

Pussy Slayer took his foot off the chair and turned to leave. But before he opened the door, he turned around one last time.

“Adventure tease…” He left.

An immense amount of relief filled Cadivus. Knowing he was still the hottest male group member. Still, he berated himself for not thinking of using the name Pussy Slayer for his own adventures. He had a new goal of acquiring a cool nickname before this quest was over.

A large dark-haired woman sat before them. Her face was bright red, and her skin was sweaty. “Hey,” She said between deep breaths.

“Why do you want to be an adventurer?” Ekio asked.

The woman held up a finger, still catching her breath. She reached out for a cup of water and chugged it.

“I’m trying to prove a woman in my situation can be formidable.”

“Fat?” Cadivus asked meekly.

“Whoa!” the women cried out at once. He sunk into his seat.

“That’s not what I meant at all,” the woman said. “I meant pregnant.”

The trio glanced at each other before quietly shooing her away.

A skinny man in fancy loose clothing took a seat next. “Hello. I’m Sparklebutt.” He tipped his hat revealing his disheveled black hair.

“How long have you been an adventurer for?” Thermia asked.

He thought hard before answering.

“All my life really. I do this for a living. Been on hundreds of quests.” He leaned in and whispered, “How much is the pay?”

“Pay?” Cadivus replied. “This is more of a paid in exposure sort of thing.”

He pursed his lips and got up to leave.

“Wait a moment.” The group whispered among themselves.

“All right. We have an offer,” Thermia said. “When we capture our guy you can take whatever gold he has, minus a bit for us for the journey back home.”

Sparklebutt looked over at them and mulled the offer over.

“Also, I’ll share all of my gossip with you.” She smirked.

He smiled.

“I’m in!” he said. “I just need to find a place to stash my baby before we go.”

“Excuse me?” Ekio said, clenching her fist. He laughed.

“Ah, I’m just yanking your clam. I shoot blanks.” He winked at Cadivus.

The next several men all asked for Thermia’s or Ekio’s hand in marriage. Apparently adventurous meant something else in Motob. They politely refused, but sensing a pattern Cadivus stood.

He walked in front of the long line to address it. “Anyone here to ask the women for marriage, just leave now. We’re seeking justice, not suckstice.”

Several men and women left the line. Only a handful of people remained.

He nodded at the leftovers. “Next!”

A muscular woman with blond hair ran past him and took his seat. They all stared at her as she motioned for Cadivus to take the interviewee seat.

“Please take a seat,” she said. “We’ll be with you in a moment.”

Cadivus played along thinking maybe it was an interesting technique. The women whispered among each other. After a moment, Thermia clenched her teeth, staring wide-eyed at him.

“So you want to be an adventurer, eh?” the muscular woman asked.

“Yes, that’s why I am one,” he said. “Who the hell are you?”

She made a shocked face and leaned forward.

“Excuse me! I’m the one asking the questions here! But my name is Regarda. You can address me as captain.”

“Oh, you’re a captain?”

“No, I said you can address me as captain.” She grimaced and shook her head.

Cadivus caught the other women’s eyes but couldn’t decipher their thoughts on the situation.

“I’m gonna be honest with you, Casticus. What else besides strength and aggression can you offer this group?”

He sighed and sat back in his seat.

“Well, we are fighting evil men. Aren’t those admirable qualities given the situation?”

“Oh you think women can’t fight men, Cadbury?”

Ekio and Thermia both smirked and looked away.

“I’ll have you know women can be just as strong as men. And a real man wouldn’t be so intimidated by being asked a few questions.”

“Is your special talent inferring false subtext from answers?” he asked. The muscular woman’s face got red.

Thermia put her hand over her mouth, throwing her voice off.

“This chick sucks…”

“I think it is time to move on.” Ekio said, motioning for the muscular woman to leave.

The muscular woman stood and huffed.

“It’s women like you who make it impossible in this world, sitting there while he disrespects us all.” She gave Thermia a side glance. “I wouldn’t expect a red-headed noble bitch to get it. A real woman–”

Thermia kicked her shin. But regret washed over her as the muscular woman shrieked and moved to punch her.

Ekio reached over and caught the muscular woman’s fist before it could strike.

“Watch yourself, Rezarda.” Ekio said.

Regarda’s shocked face melted into anger.

“Can’t expect someone like you to pronounce my name properly, I suppose.”

Ekio gently pushed Thermia back, never leaving her chair. Regarda then removed a dagger and held it toward her.

“Wanna test me, bitch?” Regarda said.

Ekio held up a finger, and prepared her power to push her through the window behind her.

But before she could release her powers, Cadivus punched the muscular woman in the side of the head, knocking her out and sending her flying into a wall.

“Whoa!” Thermia cried. “What the hell, man?!”

He grimaced and shrugged.

“I didn’t think she’d go down that hard. She seemed strong. Well…you know what they say. Talk shit on the flat top, get hit from your blind spot.” He then moved to drag her body outside.

Ekio leaned over and whispered to Thermia.

“Good one, noble bitch.” She chuckled.

“Thanks for the save. I was in my dark place for a moment there.” Thermia hugged Ekio.

Ekio couldn’t remember the last time she did more than shake hands with another person. The hug felt good and she closed her eyes and hugged her back. “It is a dangerous path you are on, but I think you will do well.”

Thermia smiled and nodded.

Cadivus tossed the body outside, brushed off his hands, and went back to the line. “Okay. Who’s next?”

Several people left. Only a few more remained.

The group talked with several more people, unable to find someone they could bring along with them. As they were about to give up and leave, a short stocky man with a cowboy hat, trenchcoat and scaled boots walked into the room. His steps made the ground shake with an audible thump. His rugged face seemed to be adorned in a permanent five-o’-clock shadow.

Thermia yawned. “Name and reason for signing up?”

“Hunter,” he said. “And no, I’m not signing up.”

The group gave him a confused look.

“I’m joining you because I believe we are after the same man.” He removed a stack of papers from one of his several pouches and shuffled through them. When he got to the one he was after, he threw it onto the table.

Ekio grabbed it and read it aloud to the group.

“Wanted dead or alive, Captain Chronic. Illegal growing and distribution of nonlegal substances, murder, blackmail, invalid licenses, and other crimes.” She passed the paper off to the others.

“My, my…” Cadivus said. “What a lame name. I cannot abide it, dude.”

“Lame or not, the man is powerful and influential. Heard you had a run-in with em already. Wouldn’t mind a few extra hands here, willing to split the reward too.” Hunter pulled out a cigar and lit it with a match that he sparked off his stubbly cheeks.

As Cadivus examined the paper, anger brewed inside him. He slammed it onto the table and caught his comrade’s eyes. They looked back at him and gave a subtle nod.

“I think we found our…” His eyes widened. “Wait a second. Is that a gun?”

Hunter pulled his coat to the side and removed the dirty and uncared for weapon.

“All bounty hunters got one. Securing gunpowder was always a crown pastime, after all.” He spun it on his finger and put it back in the holster.

“Can I hold it?” he asked, reaching his hand out with his tongue sticking out.

“Nope,” Hunter answered, not even looking at him.

He frowned and went to reach for his own dagger before remembering he had lost it in a bet. He turned toward Ekio.

“Speaking of weapons, can I have my dagger back for the time being?”

“Nope,” she said, staring smugly. “You lost it fair and square.”

“Fair…Pft.” An uneasiness from being without a weapon coursed through him. “Well, I for one need a weapon. Is there a smith here?”

“None that make weapons,” Hunter said, extinguishing the cigar in his hand and storing it in his pouch. “Not that it’d matter. Small towns tend to have shit smiths.”

The group all stared at each other for an awkward amount of time.

Cadivus eventually made some popping noises with his mouth and rapped his hands on the table.

“Well, let’s get going, I guess.”

They agreed and stood.

“Thermia, grab our other member. We’ll meet at the northern exit.”

“You can count on me!” She ran off.

As they were putting the tables back, Hunter tapped Cadivus’s shoulder.

“You oughta leave that girl behind. Roads ain’t safe for a dame like that.”

Cadivus shook his head and smiled.

“How chivalrous of you, but no. She stays with us. In fact, I’d choose her over you if need be.”

Ekio walked over to the men staring each other down.

“I like her too. She comes.”

Hunter glared at them both for a minute then softly chuckled, putting his hands into the air.

“Ain’t that somethin’.”