Usurper of Fire

After returning south from Drisban to his home of Dreyhal. Cadivus sat with his three comrades in a tavern. The sun had been up for hours, which was the perfect time to catch a buzz with the boys. The small town could comfortably fit a thousand people, but it actually held about five thousand. Which meant the tavern was overcrowded as usual.

“I hate those damn immigrants!” Toasty shouted.

“Toasty, where the hell did that come from?” Cadivus asked, eyeing a whore who sat eating a sandwich in the corner of the room. He could always spot a whore because they had breasts, long hair and a price tag on their wrist.

“Come on now. We’re all thinking about it. I’m just the only one brave enough to bring it up in conversation.” Toasty was a fat, bald and dark-skinned immigrant himself. He had earned his name from his days of setting fires outside tents. Before he caught his pants on fire that is. Now he steered clear of it, which Cadivus admired.

“The conversation.” Cadivus said, raising his glass to his lads, “was about how thanks to my latest exploits–I am sure I will be the most famous vigilante in the world once and for all.”

They all cheered to that, and he winked at the whore, who averted her gaze.

“Very soon the mention of my name will strike fear into the hearts of evil men and willing women. They will give my sword a name and write stories and songs about my journeys. And they’ll forget all about the hay incident.”

The crew all grimaced and nodded.

Hedal stood. “I, for one, congratulate you.”

Light clapping ensued.

“You know when I first, um. I…I’m too fucked up to remember what I was gonna say…” He sat back down and remembered why his second wife left him.

“Gentleman and the not so gentle and the not so men.” Cadivus nodded toward the lady of their group–“it brings me great joy to know I am saving thousands–if not millions–of people from unknowable evil in our world. How I remain humble is but a mystery, however when I think of all the people, who can now live happy and comfortable lives because of me. How they can have families, and more specifically how they make those families. Well, there is no greater reward.”

Everyone bowed their heads and raised their glasses.

“Also I stole their gold to be able to afford drinks today!”

They cheered.

An elderly woman approached their table. “Excuse me, sir, but did I just hear you say you’re a savior of sorts?” With her head bowed, she removed her peasant’s cap and played with it in her hands. “I come from a village not too far from here. The village is under the rule of an evil mayor who is going to execute my dear sweet child today along with dozens of others. Could you save them too?”

Cadivus rose to his feet, walked toward the woman, and gently grabbed her hand. “My dear nothing would bring me greater joy.” He smiled at her.

She looked up and smiled, tears forming in her eyes.

“But right now I’m getting fucked-up with my boys!”

The group cheered and hollered as another round was delivered to the table.

“I’ll tell you this though: a couple taverns down, you’ll find a group of lads who would sack the capital city Afferium for a handy, so have at it ma’am!”

“What…what am I supposed to do now?” the woman cried.

“Oh it’s easy, you just melt some butter in your palms and make this up and down motion here.” He pantomimed the jacking off motion for her, feeling sorry for her husband.

Defeated, the old woman turned around and left the tavern.

“Cadivus, I gotta say it,” Hedal said. “It was really messed up what you did back there. Someone of your renown and experience…” He gave a soft shrug.

“You're right,” Cadivus said. “I should have shown her how to work the balls as well. I’ll be right back.” He turned to follow the elderly woman, but Hedal motioned for him to stop.

“That’s not what I meant. We should go to this town, and save them from this evil that plagues them! I’m the perfect amount of fucked-up right now to get into a brawl!”

Everyone cheered for this. They basically cheered at everything that’s said when they’re drunk.

Cadivus gazed upon his friends, realizing one of his many faults was his enthusiasm for peer pressure. He paid the bill with the bloodstained coins, and the group set out to find the old gal. Outside, they took in the stench of body odor and urine that ravaged the city. They quickly headed to where they had pointed her toward. But as they made their way, a figure on the ground caught Cadivus’s eye. Down one of the alleyways, the elderly woman was lying face down on the ground.

“Lads, it appears the plot thickens,” he said as he went to check on the body. He rolled her onto her back and gazed into her dead eyes. “It appears this woman is a drunk who cannot handle her liquor and may not offer reliable information.”

“Nah, she's dead.” Hedal said, pointing at the dagger, the blood, and all the other very obvious signs. “You can tell because of how unalive she is.”

“Immigrants.” Toasty muttered, making a fist. Lumpy–the lady of the group–bent down and tasted the blood.

“It’s blood…” she said. “With trace amounts of dirt.”

Cadivus smiled at her. He had always thought she was friendly, brave, and cool. He often wondered about settling down with a woman like her one day–but one without the hunchback. Which basically rendered her unlovable by anyone but a mule. Even Toasty said dating her would be dating down. So take that for what it’s worth. Good ole Lumpy.

“It appears we have a new quest…” Cadivus said, “but it’s a mystery quest, and those are lame.” He lifted the woman and motioned for Lumpy to remove a lid from a nearby barrel. “In ya go granny.” He slowly slid her body inside. “I’m not trying to explain this to the fifty.”

“Cadivus! What are you doing?” a voice shrieked from behind, sounding annoying, yet disarming. He recognized it before he even turned around.

“Oh, hey, Thermia…I just found a dead woman in a barrel and was about to alert the authorities.” He dropped the corpse onto the ground, and an audible snap could be heard upon impact.

“Oh my god…that is so fucking rad.” Thermia walked closer. In the noon light her red hair looked like a sunset, her round and pale face didn’t fit the slim body she hid beneath her oversized plain blue dress. “Did she die from cold exposure or something?”

“Don’t be silly Thermia. It’s the middle of summer. The only thing that is going to be exposed here is evil doing.” He thought for a moment about his predicament, then quickly changed the subject. While leading her away from the dead body. “So how are your cats doing?”

“Oh my god…Milky this morning…Well I don’t know if you’d consider it morning. It was way after breakfast but before midday meal. Ohhh. You would have loved midday meal. We had this goat soup thing. It was like, so good, and then…”

“Right, right.” Cadivus closed his eyes, feeling the aneurysm forming. “That is fascinating. Say, when’s the last time you’ve seen my brother anyways? He’s not skulking around here anywhere is he?” He looked around carefully.

“Oh, Hybie? Yeah last time I saw him he was passed out. I gave it to him good.” She winked and made some awkward thrusting motions, hinting towards fornication. “Oh my god, I’m such an idiot, I didn’t even tell you why I came here.” She stopped thrusting, the group stood motionless not sure how to respond. “There’s like a village or something that’s—”

“Under the rule of an evil mayor.” He stood up straight with a smug look on his face.

“Yeah, totally. How did you know that already?” With confusion on her face, which was pretty much her resting face.

“Oh, I, um, heard it from a child I saved earlier. From a tree. A mildly tall tree.” He put his hand on her back and walked her away from the alley, motioning for Lumpy to dump the body into the barrel.

Lumpy attempted to lift the corpse but fumbled and fell, getting stuck underneath it. It was at this point, she learned that dead bodies all shit themselves.

“Yeah, kids are pretty dumb,” Thermia said, tripping over own feet and face-planting the ground. She quickly got up and dusted herself off. “Well, I figured we could all go or something. I wouldn’t mind getting away from the smell of shit for a while.”

“Immigrants,” Toasty muttered once more.

“Absolutely. We are sober and concerned citizens after all,” Cadivus said, sneaking a shot from a flask he stole. “Let us set out on a voyage across the lands, and undo the evil that seeds into the soil of justice.”

Everyone agreed, and they set out on their voyage. Thermia told a guard where they were leaving and to tell her husband the details. At the main gate, Cadivus flicked a coin to the door operator. After the door closed behind them, they could breathe in fresh air for the first time all day. He flicked his last coin to a carriage operator, and they piled in.

“So, how far away is this village anyways?” Cadivus asked, taking the reins.

“We’re here,” Thermia said. Hopping out of the carriage, he looked to his left and saw a small village outside of his own town.

“My my. That is convenient evil. Why did you let me spend my last coin on a carriage if it is so close by?”

She laughed “Oh, because every time you rent one you get one of these collectible plates!” She held up a plate with a picture of an orange cat on it. “They are so cute!” Holding it with two hands, she skipped toward the village.

As they approached, they saw a crowd forming on the far side of town. They made their way toward the center of the crowd to see what was presumably the public execution.

“Wait a minute,” Hedal said. “If this town is so evil, and so close to our own…why do people choose to live here?”

“Because, sticky leaf is legal here,” Lumpy said. The group looked at her, and she shrugged. “It’s good for my hump pain…”

“So, this icky is caused by the sticky icky, eh?” Cadivus said.

Looking at the stage he saw five people with black hoods on their heads and nooses around their necks. He scanned the crowd to get a sense of their temperament, but everyone just looked like they were staring at something far away.

“Interesting. We must learn the crimes of these people. We may have to intervene after all.”

Shortly after, a well dressed man with long hair and a beautiful mustache took the stage. He put his hand up to silence the crowd.

“What’s up mother fuckers?! Whoo! Who’s ready for a little justice in Herbvia today let me hear it!”

The crowd cheered.

“I’ve gotta few mother fuckers here, let me tell ya. What have they done? I’m gonna tell ya. These, bitches, have been mellowing the vibe all gods damn week!”

The crowd yelled and booed.

“No chill! No chill! No chill!”

“I know, dudes. And let me just say for a moment. In light of these crimes. Kevin makes like the sickest lemon pies I’ve ever had dude, everyone, let’s hear it for Kevin please. Love that man.”

The crowd cheered once more.

“These people are out of their minds,” Lumpy said.

“I know!” Hedal sighed. “Lemon pie sucks…”

“Indeed, lemon pie sucks,” said Cadivus “However, we cannot let these people die for such ridiculous crimes. We have to do something. Thermia, can you—” Cadivus turned his head and realized that she was gone. “Wait. Where did Thermia go?"

“She is chasing a kitten boss,” Toasty said. “Looks like we’ll have to handle this ourselves.”

Everyone nodded in agreement.

Cadivus motioned for the group to head toward the front of the crowd.

“Hey guys!” The speaker called out, stopping them in their tracks. “Yeah you guys. From Dreyhal.”

The group all glanced at each other and then at the man on the stage who was now making direct eye contact with them. “Yeah…What’s up bitches? I know who you are.” He took a hit from his rolled up sticky leaf. “Yeah. I’m gonna need these fuckers to hang tight for a minute. I’m gonna do a little monologuing here, and I heard you hate that.”

Cadivus did indeed have a disdain for monologues of others. But the crowd had squeezed him in, forming tighter and tighter around him and his comrades.

“Here’s the deal, bitch. I’m out of here, off to greener pastures. I’m taking my fabulous wealth and heading east.”

“Just tell me what this is all about!” Cadivus cried. “I’m so fucking bored right now!” He attempted to free himself from the crowd but he could not move freely. He wished he had used the bathroom before they had left.

“Chill out a second, bro! I swear to gods!” He took another hit. “My brother was in that Deathicus cult. Remember Cavian, now I don’t think he deserved to have his neck stabbed, but maybe that’s just me.”

Cadivus grimaced. Where else was he supposed to stab him?

“They were evil! And I delivered swift justice upon them!” His crew all audibly agreed.

“Evil?” The speaker spat. “Cavian was caring for my elderly mother until her last breath, bitch! His house burnt down because he was cooking soup for the homeless! This whole fucking thing…It’s brewing up some dark shit inside me, my guy.”

He motioned for the five hoods to be removed. Underneath each were the five most beautiful single women in Dreyhal.

“Nooo!” Cadivus shouted. He struggled with all his might. “How dare you! I have a shot with all of them!”

“No, you don't,” One of the women shouted back.

“Now’s not the time to play hard to get!”

“Yeah. I heard you're a little fire bitch. Lame as fuck but works for me. I’m a top tier bitch mother fucker!” The speaker said. “So, do me a favor. Next time mind your own fucking business, kid.”

With that said, he pulled a harmonica from his pocket and played an awful tune. The trap doors opened, and the women struggled in their nooses.

Heat formed deep inside Cadivus. His uncontrolled power burned. He struggled to get away, to lift himself up on top of the crowd, but many hands from the crowd pulled him back down to the ground.

“Get away!” He shrieked. “Toasty! Lumpy! Hedal! Run! Get away from me!”

“Cadivus!” Toasty yelled out. He got onto the ground with Cadivus and wrapped his arms around him. “We got your back! It’s gonna be o—"

Cadivus cried out as flames spread out from him in an explosion of heat. A fatigue he’d never felt before quickly overcame him. The vague familiar stench of burning flesh met his nose. He barely had the strength to lift his head. Nobody remained standing.

Everything then faded to black.