Usurper of Fire

The forest became thicker and thicker as Cadivus and his crew traveled deeper into it. Even when the sun was up, it was hard to see through all the foliage. They walked in pairs to manage their way through the numerous trees. Everyone wanted to walk with Thermia, and Cadivus just knew he was missing out on some killer inside jokes. Sensing a lack of attention, he decided to stir up some drama.

He increased his pace to catch up to Hunter, who was leading the band of adventurers.

“Hey,” he said, strolling beside Hunter. “I’ve noticed something peculiar going on here. So I thought we should settle it now.”

“And what almighty is that?” Hunter said, already annoyed.

“Well, it’s just that it seems you’re trying to become the leader of our group. And well, that’s my job, rightfully.”

Hunter groaned.

“It’s just Thermia and I started this quest together, and I was the leader then. It doesn’t make one lick of sense to switch now. It would be far too confusing for her.”

“I’m sure a lot of things are confusing to you. And no, I’m not trying to lead anything. I just happen to know the way, and I just happened to be up front.”

“And I just happened to be in my maids closet wearing her underwear and calling myself Dorothy. I know you saw that one when you mind-raped me…”

“Actually, I didn’t. And with all my heart I wish you kept that to yourself.” Hunter shook his head and walked faster.

Cadivus was starting to get the sense that he and Hunter would never be best friends.

“Right! I order you to go ahead, and I’ll lead from the rear!”

In the rear, Thermia and Ekio walked together. She bit her tongue to help her concentrate on walking through the difficult terrain.

“So, are you really a queen or a lady or whatever they call it here?” Ekio asked.

“You should address me as, Your Majesty,” she replied, holding her chin high and squinting.

Ekio sighed.

“I’m just fucking with you girl!” She cackled. “My husband is the one who demanded respect, but it always made me feel…so…pfft.” She blew a raspberry and wiped the extra spit from her chin.

“Is it not a great honor to be chosen by such a man?” Ekio asked.

“I’m sure it would be, but I wasn’t chosen by him…Not like that anyway.” She fiddled with her ring.

“Did you choose him then?”

“Well, no. My country offered me as a reward to him.”

Ekio glared at her.

She looked back and spoke in a deep voice. “I’m the prize!”

“Sorry,” Ekio said, visibly confused. “I guess I’m not as familiar with your history or customs as I had thought. Does marriage only come as a reward? What did he do to earn such a reward?”

“You don’t know The Hybrid? He defeated a great evil, ended the great war, and basically saved the world.”

“We have never heard such a story across the ocean, but I can see why you would be considered a great offering to a man such as him.” Ekio put her arm around Thermia and pulled her in for a side hug.

“So anyway, after Smokey defeated the evil, I was given to him by my father as a reward. And as a way to unite the kingdom.”

“That must have been scary, leaving your home and going to a strange new place,” Ekio said. “It can be hard to adjust to something different like this.”

“Well, lucky for me, fitting in is my superpow–” She tripped and quickly got back to her feet. “I’ve always been good with people. It just comes natural to me.”

“It is a great gift, Thermia, to be a pleaser of people.”

Thermia tilted her head.

“You make it sound sexier than it is,” she said.

“Maybe that’s my gift.” She raised her eyebrows.

As the group made their way through the woods, the conversations winded down, especially as they found themselves walking over even more uneven terrain.

Cadivus noticed everyone seemed sort of down and decided that, being the great leader he is, he would lift the spirit of his companions.

“Normally, this is the part of the day when I would say let’s get shitfaced. However, we are without a drop of ambrosia. So, instead, I offer to get you drunk off these sick pipes.”

Everyone groaned except for Thermia, who clapped excitedly.

He sang in a not quite good but not quite bad voice.

The sun, must rest, so it can shine

The moon, must succeed the one true light

Today’s troubles, are fading away

Without words, I hear you say

Goodnight, and know

For you, my soul

Hunter laughed. “You do know that’s a nursery rhyme for kids, right?”

Everyone else smirked along.

But a scowl overcame Cadivus’s face. “What? So what if it is? It’s a good song.”

“I just want you to know how ridiculous it is to sing a bedtime song for youngins’ to a group of grown-ass adventurers on what could potentially be a suicide mission.”

He ran up and pushed Hunter into a tree, getting into his face.

“I like the song! So, zip it.”

The group’s eyes widened. Hunter put his hands in the air. Cadivus let him go and continued walking onwards, not looking anyone in the eye.

“Is anyone else hard right now?” Sparklebutt asked.

“Easy there, partner,” Hunter said. “Was just a playful jest. My mistake. Maybe someone else would like to sing a more appropriate song though, given the situation?”

“Um, I think I know a song, '' Sparklebutt said. “Hey, Thermia? Can you give me a beat?”

She put a hand over mouth and began beatboxing.

He sang rapidly.

This is world is vicious

these words litigious

I probably embody my outer body like anybody

I’m on the verge of lost and found

of hope and doubt

Regulate the love and hate no more debate

I’m Just trying to get by in my inner state

I’m defiant to whims of a god with a plan

I’m reliant to pimps who are on the fence

I’m prophetic if you got the programming

I’m sardonic if you wanna take the offense

I see all these demons, where are the angels

I’ve seen the whole plan, aware of the angles

I’ve see all these sinners, where is the virtue

Trust is worthy, but only trust can hurt you

Half full of despair, half empty of hope

Tied down in the lair, I chewed the ropes

My allegiance internal

This struggle eternal

My rage infernal

My words they burn you

Having never heard a song like that in their entire lives, the group stopped in their tracks and cheered. Even Cadivus had to admit the song was good.

“Oh my gods!” Thermia shouted, “Where did you learn that? I’ve never heard anything like it!”

“Oh, it’s called freestyle,” Sparklebutt said. “We used to do it all the time back in my homeland. Anyone can do it with a little practice. In fact if you really–”

Loud banging and crashing echoed through the woods. A large dark figure crashed through them, knocking everyone to the ground. It grabbed Sparklebutt in its mouth and carried him off.

“Get him!” Hunter yelled, jumping up and racing after him.

The others quickly followed. The beast had cleared a path through the woods, knocking any trees and plants in its path aside.

Sparklebutt kept yelling in the distance. “Stop it, you fuck!”

As they ran, the echoes of destruction halted, and Sparklebutt’s screams grew louder. They traversed over the last hill. A dark, hairy creature that moved on all fours with stripes of white on its side, paws in the rear, and more monkey-like in the front. Its hairy face had a large mouth, a snout, and glowing pink sunken eyes. Its pointed ears twitched as it pushed Sparklebutt back into a dirt mound with one of its front paws. And to the group's surprise, it licked his ass crack up and down.

“Oh shit, a chimera. Sparkle!” Hunter yelled. “Hang on! We’re coming!”

The beast kept working its tongue up and down, its ears twitching wildly.

“Either kill this thing or tell it to give me a reach around!” Sparklebutt yelled.

As the group got closer, Hunter stopped Cadivus and Ekio. “You two go left. I’ll go right and–”

“I got it!” Cadivus yelled as he took off toward the monster’s head at full speed. “Nobody tosses our friend’s salad forcefully and gets away with it!” Cadivus leaped into the air. As he was about to make contact, a giant tail came out of nowhere and slapped him away, sending him flying through a nearby tree.

“That fucking–” Hunter gritted his teeth. “Ekio, I have one more plan. Come here.” He spoke softly into her ear.

She nodded and ran into the woods.

He circled the monster, taking careful shots with his gun. He knew his bullets would not penetrate, but they would still hurt enough to draw some attention. “Come on, beast!”

The monster continued licking, unaffected. Once again revealing its tail, which…wasn’t a tail. But a hairy, and veiny shaft. After having its fill of the ass buffet, it placed its shaft in between Sparklebutt’s butt cheeks, and moved it up and down.

“What the hell is it doing?!” Hunter asked.

“Oh no!” Thermia yelled from the back, running toward the danger to save her friend. “He’s hotdogging him!”

“I would have cleaned up more if I knew this would happen!” Sparklebutt yelled.

Hunter was about to shoo her to safety when an idea struck him. “Thermia! Come here! Quickly!” He gave her the rundown, and she nodded.

Moments later, he jumped up onto the beast’s raging boner and grabbed onto it. As he did, he and the monster lost control of their bodies.

Thermia pulled Sparklebutt free and then grabbed Hunter.

“Ekio!” she screamed.

As the creature began to gain control of its body, several trees and large branches crashed around it. They dug into the ground, forming a tight prison. As the beast struggled to move, more was added–until the prison no longer budged.

Ekio walked out from the nearby woods, smiling ear to ear. Sparklebutt fanned off his rear end with his hands. Thermia checked in on Hunter since he was regaining consciousness.

Cadivus strolled back through the woods, rubbing his back that broke a tree moments ago. He had a smug look on his face.

“Good job team! We did it!”

Hunter tackled him to the ground and punched his chest, not with full force but enough to hurt. “You maggot-brain moron! You could have got us all killed!”

He reached up to grab his fist.

“You don’t want to be a leader! You want to play hero! Well, guess what? You’re not!” With his fist locked in Cadivus’s grip, Hunter slammed his head down on Cadivus’s nose, causing him to release the grip. He took his time standing, never breaking eye contact.

“How was I supposed to know it was that strong?” Cadivus asked, his voice sounding muffled. “Am I supposed to–''

Hunter raised his fist, but Thermia grabbed it.

“That’s enough!” she said. “Maybe he was reckless, but his intentions were in the right place.”

He grimaced.

“The world is full of good-intentioned people gettin’ others killed.” With that, he walked away to cool off.

She kneeled next to Cadivus and patted his head.

Ekio walked up, her smile fading into her signature solemn look. “Perhaps Mr. Slippery Elbows here does not realize what the outside world is like. In your small town, you might be hot shit, but out here, you are just shit!” She reached out her hand to pull him up “kusimama mbele ya mto hazuii mtiririko wa maji.”

“Did she just confess her love for me?” he asked Thermia, who shook her head.

“Standing in front of lava, won’t stop the flow.”

He looked down. He’d never seen lava before, but he was sure he could kick its ass.

“Thank you, Ekio.” He went to hug her, but she pointed his own dagger at his chest.

“Please. I know you're just trying to grab my ass.” She whacked him in the nose with the pommel, to which he grimaced, and wondered how she knew.

Sparklebutt stood and pulled his pants up. Still rubbing the affected area, he walked over to the trapped beast. “What should we do with you? my hairy-dicked friend.” He looked it over for weak points, while sharpening an impromptu spear made from one of the nearby branches.

“Hold on a second.” Hunter said “When I grabbed the beast–”

“By the wiener!” Thermia interrupted.

“Yes, by the weiner. Anyways, I saw some of its past.” He walked up and looked into the beast's eyes, the glowing pink had dimmed. “This thing was not so date rapey until it drank from a stream a few miles from the direction it came. I think something in that water made it go into a frenzy.”

“Did someone swap out the water for ale, you think?” Cadivus asked…seriously.

“No, that’s re…That’s not what happened. But the water is infected with something. Which means two things. One, this beast is also a victim. And two–

“There are going to be more in these woods,” Ekio said.

The whole group thought about how many sexually-charged monsters they’d have to fight off before they could make it to Pribbs.

“Well we could just leave it like this,” Sparklebutt said. “Let the other horny monsters give it a taste of its own medicine.”

Cadivus walked up to the group, readjusted his nose with a loud crack and spoke normally.

“I have another idea. It’s going to sound crazy at first, but hear me out!”

The whole group sighed except for Thermia, who was clapping excitedly.

Hours later, the group–including Cadivus–could not believe they were actually riding through the woods on the beast’s back. Except for Sparklebutt, who was tied to a stick with a rope. His pants had been pulled below his marvelous ass. He dangled just out of reach of the beast’s tongue as they traversed through the woods in ease.

At this pace, they would reach Pribbs just after sundown.