Trans Timelines

James looked up from his phone in shock as a loud, pulsating thrum filled his bedroom. A swirling mass of purple energy had formed by his door and seemed to be growing larger and more defined as the seconds passed. He nervously cast about for anything he could use to defend himself, but only found pillows and a glass of water.

By this point, the energy had resolved into a portal about the height of a person. James caught a brief glimpse of a room full of complex, chrome-plated machinery before two women stepped through and the portal abruptly closed.

One woman was tall and thin with cat-eye glasses and a lab coat over a band t-shirt, while the other was short, with a shock of blue hair, several piercings, and a denim jacket studded with pins. James held up his glass of water in what he hoped was a threatening manner, right before the taller woman started to laugh.

“Sam, I was telling you I got it to work! And oh my god, look at tiny egg me!”

The woman’s voice was slightly deeper than James was expecting, but at least she didn’t sound… threatening? And the more he looked, the more he had a vague nagging feeling that she looked familiar. A bit like his mom, actually, if you changed the hair color and added glasses.

Now focusing on James, the taller woman seemed to realize something. “Oh, I’m sorry, you’re probably really freaked out right now. So basically, uh…. I’m you from the future.” She looked at the shorter woman again before the two of them broke into laughter.

“I… uhh… what the fuck? Is this some kind of prank? How did you make that--thing appear, and how are you in my room? What the actual fuck is happening?!”

The taller woman finally steadied herself. “Sorry, sorry, I should explain better. I--so basically I’m Jamie, this is my partner Sam, and I’m you from a decade in the future. Specifically, a version of you that transitioned and then, well,  invented a working time machine.” She shrugged.

“You’re such a genius, babe,” Sam chimed in, wrapping her arm around Jamie’s lower back.

James squinted at Jamie. He couldn’t deny that she looked related to him, and even had a similar face, although it was rounder and had generally softer features.

“Okay, I guess I believe you’re from the future because I really don’t have a better way of explaining that portal thing that you jumped out of. You’re me, though? Like, I’m not a girl. I admit I read a lot of gender bender stuff online but it’s not even that unusual a thing to be into for straight guys, and I’ve considered that I could be trans but there really just isn’t a good reason to think that. I took a quiz that said I was a guy with some feminine tendencies and everything.”

Jamie facepalmed. “God, I remember that fucking quiz. I don’t know what dumbass thought they could make a multiple choice survey that TELLS YOU YOUR GENDER. That’s so fucking stupid.” She suddenly perked up. “Oh, I have more evidence!” Jamie pulled out a phone(?), unfolded it into a tablet, and shoved the screen towards James. James gingerly accepted it, seeing a series of photos that started with him, and slowly got more feminine until the last photo, which was clearly Jamie.

“Wow, I, uh… that’s pretty convincing, honestly. W-why are you here, though? You didn’t just come back here to show me some photos, right? Aren’t you worried about causing a paradox or something?”

Jamie started to speak but was drowned out by another loud humming noise. Another portal--this time green, was opening near James’ closet. After a few moments, a man stepped out and the portal closed.

The man also looked strangely familiar to James. In fact, he looked like a cross between old pictures he had seen of his grandpa and James himself.

Jamie swore quietly under her breath. “God, not this asshole.”

The man strode over to James and grabbed him by his shoulders. “Listen to me, James. Do NOT believe anything these women say. They’re trying to lead you down the wrong path. I know it may seem tempting, but if you reject their degeneracy you’ll come out the other side stronger, I promise. I should know; after all, I’m you from the future.”

Jamie was staring daggers at the man. “Fuck off, Jim. Take your weird alt-right bullshit back to your own timeline.”

At this point, James was intensely confused. “I… I thought she was me from the future. How can you both be?”

Jamie started to talk before Jim talked louder over her. “So, the future isn’t fully determined yet. You can think of it as a quantum event that hasn’t yet been observed, so the superposition hasn’t collapsed yet.”

Seeing that James still looked confused, Jamie took over explaining. “Think of time as--a river. You, and your present, are in a boat that’s constantly moving forward down the river. Up ahead the river splits into two branches. Depending on how you shift your weight in the boat, the boat could go down one path or the other. Both branches exist, but you and your present--the boat--can only take one of them.”

“Okay, I think I get it,” James said. “So you could both be my future?”

“Yes,” Jamie and Jim said at once, before glaring at each other.

Sam rubbed at Jamie’s back. “Remember your breathing exercises.” Jamie squeezed her eyes shut and breathed in and out slowly before seeming to calm down.

Jim, on the other hand, seemed angrier than ever. Jabbing his finger at Jamie, he started yelling. “Do you see this pervert? This half-and-half freak? You don’t want to be like that, do you? Driving off everyone who loves you and cares about you, weirding out people on the street, destined to never have kids or a marriage or a stable job? Look, you’re a good kid, right? You work hard, try to fulfill your obligations and avoid letting your family down. Imagine how they’d react to this. It would just be incredibly, deeply selfish to act on your basest impulses and to hurt your family like this.”

Now it was Sam’s turn to get angry. “Okay, shut the fuck up. You have no idea what you’re talking about. First of all, Jamie is amazing and is dating me and has a great lab job, and she’s closer to her mom and sisters than she ever was before transitioning. I’m not going to say people were great right away, but everyone who really matters came around and accepted her, and they can tell she’s happier now.”

Jamie hugged Sam, saying “You’re amazing too,” before turning to Jim. “Hey, how’s your relationship with the fam? Oh, right, your anger issues meant you kept getting into fights with people about dumb shit and now half the family doesn’t want to talk to you. And about no one loving you? Have you gotten around to dating anyone yet, ever, even though you’re almost 30?”

Jim briefly winced. “Okay, I’m saving myself for marriage, and I just need to meet the right woman. And besides, it’s better to spend your vital energy on your career than it is to waste it on meaningless pleasure.”

Jim turned to James. “Look, even if you don’t agree with what I said, you have to recognize the truth of what I’m saying. You took that quiz and saw what it said. It doesn’t make any sense to believe your vague subjective feelings over objective, mathematical fact. And look, I’m not a transphobe, okay? I just think it’s not the right decision for me--you--us. And you’ve seen documentaries and read stuff online. Real trans people know their gender from a young age, and there’s nothing sexual about it. What you have is just a fetish, and although you might enjoy it as a fantasy, it doesn’t make any sense to fuck up your real life and relationships by trying to chase some ridiculous dream. You’ve waited too long anyway, it’s too late for you to ever become a convincing woman now that you’ve already gone through most of puberty.”

Jamie interrupted. “That’s such bullshit. I can’t believe you’ve already given up on convincing her that she’s not trans and you’re just trying to scare her out of transitioning, so she can be a coward like you. Look at me. I look fine, I get gendered correctly pretty much 100% of the time, and unlike before, I actually feel like I look cute! And regardless of how you look, feeling good about yourself matters a lot more than what other people think.”

Sam whispered “I think you look cute too,” before briefly pecking Jamie on the lips.

James groaned. “Please don’t rub your PDA in our faces. At least not in front of the kid.”

“Kid? She’s a teenager. You remember as well as I do all the porn we had watched by this age. Come on, if you’re going to argue with me you could at least not be so disingenuous about it.”

Jamie started digging around in the pocket of her lab coat before pulling out a bottle of pills. As she tried to hand it to James, Jim literally slapped it out of her hand.

“Okay, I’ve fucking had enough. You wanna fight, douchebag?”

“Sure, I’ll kick your ass if that’s what you want. Show the kid how years of hormones degrade your muscles.”

Jamie reached under her lab coat and pulled out some kind of streamlined, silvery gun. Leveling it at Jim, she muttered, “I was hoping I wouldn’t have to use this.”

Jim flinched backwards in shock. “Whoa, what the fuck?! You’re going to shoot me? We were just having a civil debate, and here you have to go bringing violence into it.”

Jamie turned to Sam before slowly lowering the gun. “Jesus, I wasn’t actually going to shoot you. Don’t act like you’re the martyr here, you literally just assaulted me.”

“Oh come on, that was hardly assault. See, James, this is a great example of how this bitch stretches the truth.”

“What the fu--You literally hit me! You hit that bottle out of my hand! Everyone here saw it. Why are you acting like that’s fine and reasonable, but me just threatening you is a horrible crime?”

James decided it was about time to intervene. “Look, please don’t hurt each other, okay? You’re basically just hurting yourself. And besides, getting in a fight isn’t going to do anything to convince me. I think I just need some time to think about this, okay? I’m not sure how time travel works, but could you leave now and maybe come back tomorrow?”

Jamie nodded. “Sure, I know this is a lot to process and you can take all the time you need. I’ll come back the same time tomorrow--it’ll only be a few seconds for me, though.”

“And I’ll also come back, to act as a counterweight to this bitch’s lies.”

With that, the room was suddenly filled with loud thrumming as both parties generated their portals and stepped through. James was suddenly all alone in his room, left in a sudden overwhelming silence to just lay on his bed and think.

***

As promised, they returned the next day, at exactly the same time. Jamie popped out, alone this time, shortly followed by Jim. 

“Hey, so hopefully you’ve had some time to think now. Have you come to any conclusions yet?” asked Jamie.

“Christ, stop pressuring him. Don’t assume that all versions of us are like you.”

“Please, you two, don’t argue! You’re just stressing me out and making it harder to think.”

James turned to Jamie. “So, I believe you when you say that you’re trans and you’re happy you transitioned. But it’s not clear to me that that means I’m trans. What ultimately made you decide that you’re trans?”

“Good question. So, like you, I used to think a lot about gender and I sometimes had this urge to try women’s clothing or to try to look like a girl. I always suppressed those thoughts up until I went to college, where a combination of new friends and the internet made me realize that cis guys don’t constantly think about being girls, and that it was worth meaningfully investigating if I might be trans. I started out trying to wear women’s clothing, and in some ways that felt better, but it also really forefronted all the parts of my body that I wasn’t happy with. After thinking about things for a few months, I started the process to get on hormones. About six months after that I started to come out as trans to everyone, and about a year after that I also got around to changing my legal name. But basically, the key thing was realizing that you don’t have to prove that you’re trans. The very fact that you think so much about your gender means it’s likely that you are trans. And I think it’s just generally a positive thing to explore that and find out more about yourself and what makes you feel good, although it does take time to get past societal hangups and the feeling that you’re doing something wrong or forbidden.”

James nodded. “Okay, that’s helpful, thanks. Jim, what makes you sure that you’re not trans?”

“First of all, I don’t like how you worded the question. It’s ridiculous to ask me to prove that I’m normal. But in general, why would I think that? It’s not like I grew up playing with Barbies or trying to wear dresses. I never thought I was a girl, and I didn’t act feminine because I knew that just wasn’t what boys did. Sure, like you two I did used to think about gender a lot, but I think I was just confused. Adolescence is a difficult time and I lacked a strong father figure, so it’s not surprising that I would latch onto my mother as the next best role model to emulate. And over time, I held strong and things have gotten better. I don’t let myself dwell on gender or other unhealthy thoughts; instead, I try to focus on my hobbies, my career, and my relationships with others. Sure, being a girl used to sound nice to be, but realistically it’s not an actual option. The most I could have been was a crude imitation of a girl, and to achieve that I’d have to be willing to sacrifice basically everything. Society doesn’t really approve of people who aren’t normal men and women, despite what some people might claim, and there’s reasons for that. Humans evolved as men and women for a reason, so they could reproduce and raise a family in a stable unit. There isn’t some magical soul or spirit separate from the body, and there isn’t gender separate from sex. Thinking that you’re another gender is a mental illness, indicative of something gone wrong in your childhood, and that shouldn’t be catered to or it’ll just get worse over time.”

James scratched his head. “So are you saying that trans people don’t exist?”

“No, I just think a lot of people who claim to be trans have other mental illnesses. I’ll admit there might be a few intersex people where their brain structure doesn’t match their genitals, and in that case I support medical transition in order to have their body match their brains.”

Jamie interrupted. “Okay, first of all, fuck you. People should have autonomy over their own bodies, and sex and gender aren’t even close to that clear-cut anyway. Lots of cultures have had third genders, so don’t act like our modern Western two-gender system is inherent and unchanging.”

“Okay, look, I’m not saying that trans people or other genders don’t exist. But the literature says that MTFs are generally motivated either by being aroused by the idea of themselves as a woman, or the desire to attract heterosexual men. In our case, with the amount of gender transformation fetish content we used to read, and frequent thoughts about how we’d look crossdressing, we’re pretty clearly in the first category. It’s called autogynephilia, and it undermines your dualist ideas of some gender identity separate from the body.”

“I don’t even believe in that dualist stuff, and honestly you’re just trying to distract us from the actual issue. If you’ve actually read the literature you’re citing, you’d know that even those authors are in agreement that transitioning is the ONLY successful treatment for negative emotions resulting from gender dysphoria. So the reason you want to transition is literally irrelevant. Besides, it doesn’t matter if there’s some definable, objective thing called gender identity. What matters is people doing what makes them happy.”

Jim sighed. “Okay, you might have a point. But don’t you think pursuing your own happiness at the expense of others is incredibly selfish? We’d all like to be happy, obviously, but not everyone gets that privilege.”

“I just philosophically disagree with your way of seeing this. Someone transitioning doesn’t inherently hurt anyone. Any negative repercussions from societal judgment are an issue with society, not something wrong with being trans. And it’s not like being trans is a choice. The real choice is to suppress it and to deeply hurt yourself, or to express it and to be happy, but with some risk of others reacting badly.”

“In an ideal world I’d agree with you, but we don’t live in an ideal world. Someone choosing to transition knows what will happen, and acting like they don’t is unproductive. You know our family lives in a somewhat conservative area and Mom constantly talks to neighbors and other parents. Do you really want all of them judging her as a failed parent?”

“I can tell you with certainty that that won’t be what happens. Most people will be fine with it. They don’t really care. Why should they? Most people are too busy worrying about their own life to really worry about others’. There’s a few people who are rude and unpleasant about it, some awkward situations, but that’s hardly the end of the world. Besides, most of those people were already not great, and I see this as just revealing their true colors.”

Jim rubbed his eyes. “Jesus, you just have a rebuttal for everything I say. I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised, given that I’m sure you’ve thought about most of the same things, but I thought I’d have more rebuttals to you.”

Jamie chuckled. “I’m not too surprised. I bet you haven’t let yourself think about gender all that much, from what you were saying, so you’re basically still in the same mindset as me several years ago. I think I’ve changed a lot and developed just from letting myself be myself, while you’ve been so tightly wound trying to be the person you think you have to be that you’ve just ended up kind of running in the same place.”

Jim sighed. “At this rate, you’re gonna convince me that I should transition.”

Jamie leaned over and hugged Jim. After a brief expression of shock, he relaxed and returned the embrace.

James had seen enough. “Okay, well, I think I’ve decided.”

Turning towards Jamie, she said “See you in a few years.”

Jamie laughed, and ran over to hug James. In the background, Jim seemed to finally relax, looking the least angry James had ever seen him.

Re-opening her portal, Jamie turned back and briefly saluted before jumping through.

Jim turned to James and sighed. “Well, I guess I lost. Can’t say I’m too upset. I have to admit… Jamie seems a lot happier than I’ve ever been. I think this is for the best.”

James nodded, before getting up to hug Jim. “You’ll always be a part of us, Jim. I don’t think Jamie could exist without you.”

Jim laughed. “Maybe so. Anyway, before I go, I just wanted to say… make better decisions than me, kid, okay? Just… try and do what makes you happy.”

James nodded. “I promise.”

Jim opened his portal, nodding once at James before stepping through. James’ bedroom was once again left silent and empty, but this time it felt different.

They were both still there.