Theseus

I sat, holding my head and keeping my eyes closed while I murmured nonsense to myself. Acclimation to my physical senses was a lot easier for me than it was for Lily; I had the experience of keeping myself together while I waited for my brain to return to ‘normal mode’ again. Carefully applying pressure to my pounding head and giving myself something to listen to at a controlled volume helped me ease the burden in addition to the mental exercises going through my head, tricking myself into paying less attention to the agony of the medical bed against my back.

Lily still needed me, but it was important to me that I be Meryll in the flesh as she approached Theseus. I wanted to greet her, human face to human face. So I’d extricated myself from the core module as soon as the away crew began the journey back along the tether between our shells.

What followed was a difficult journey comforting my sister with tales of my journey across the system since I became Theseus as she was carted through space tethered to an unfamiliar man who begrudged her presence while I battled my own sensory pressure sickness with more effort than I ever put into it before.

I wanted to hold her in my arms the moment the cargo bay pressurized, even if it meant enduring the physically overwhelming sensation against my skin.

‘Were you really going to shoot that Skygraves guy?’ Lily asked.

‘Should have. But I didn’t have the nerve.’ I sighed. ‘I might be able to now. After I’ve already got some... experience. I probably won’t know until I’m in that position again. I’ve been told it gets easier.’

‘I don’t know if I believe that. I can’t imagine doing it again.’ An awkward silence grew between us as we both contemplated our sins. I’m sure it was tearing her up a lot more than it was me, though. I’d already wept over my kill and started developing that metaphorical scar tissue that protected me from the horror of what I’d done.

I felt a different sense of unease as my cargo bay started to pressurize again. My body and my systems both told me that the cargo bay being depressurized was wrong, and my systems correcting it now that they were back inside highlighted that wrongness. Without a proper airlock between it and space, my cargo bay just had to act as a really big one itself until we could put Theseus back in order.

I fought down the nausea and slowly pushed my legs over the side of the bed. Ten minutes. I could hold myself together now. I must have done this at least a hundred times by now, and I could stand to get down the hall to the cargo bay to greet my beloved sister.

“Meryll, don’t even think about it.” Doc said quietly. He knew his voice was amplified for me and always accommodated for it, even when he was scolding me. “You’re going to hurt yourself. Joel will bring her right up here, anyway. I don’t need you to make yourself another patient.”

I was already sitting up. It was agonizing, but I’d managed it. My head pounded violently, my palms shook from the effort it had taken to lift myself, and my skin was on fire, but I felt like I definitely had the willpower to push through it for Lily. This was a familiar pain I had control over. Defiantly, I tried to put my weight slowly down on one foot to show Doc I could manage it, but I let out a whimpering yelp as I did. The cold steel of the floor shot needles up my spine. Why did my feet have to be so especially sensitive?

“F-Fine.” I admitted in hoarse tones, my throat still sore from purging fluid. I slowly swiveled myself back into bed and laid back, practically weeping in relief as I felt the pressure of gravity dispersing itself across my back again. Maybe I wasn’t quite as badass as I’d been playing myself up to be. I wouldn’t be able to meet her halfway, I conceded.

‘Inside. Finally.’ Lily called to me. ‘Oh. Oh wow. This place... It’s... Is this safe?’

‘Ouch.’ I sent at first, but my pride wasn’t too wounded. I knew I was in rough shape. ‘Probably not actually. Remember how I told you we had to patch that big hole in the cargo bay? We still haven’t properly repaired it. Haven’t had the chance to. So yeah, it’s a mess. But it’ll get us to Io.’

‘Why Io, anyway?’

‘If you weren’t psychic, would you think to look for us there?’

‘That’s your whole reasoning? That’s... stupid. It’s reckless and just a really bad plan. If they find you, they have so many resources just... right there.’

‘Then we better not get found.’

She took a few moments to parse the sheer audacity of what I’d just said before she just sent, ‘I guess so.’ She was going to have to get used to the danger this lifestyle posed sooner or later.

I felt a mild sense of relief as the cargo bay slowly corrected its air pressure, returning it to how it should be, with the inside clearly denoted by a survivable atmosphere. It was holding for now. Hopefully, this would be the last time I would need to suffer the stress of physical pressurization before we could start repairs.

“I sh-should still get up.” I grumbled to Doc. “Lily should t-take the b...bed.”

Doc let out an exasperated sigh as he stood up from the biometrics console. “I should get a second examination table installed. You’re on it so much.”

I knew a normal core wouldn’t need to be handled this gently after being removed from the core module, so it made sense he wouldn’t have been prepared to accommodate for its comfort before. “Sorry for being able to ex...press p-pain.” I smiled, watching him approach from my sensors.

He began arranging a familiar pile of our softer towels and blankets on the floor into the little nest that served as my resting place when someone else needed the examination table while I was still in sensory hell. “You should be ashamed of yourself for having feelings,” he answered sarcastically.

I gave a weak laugh. “Yeah, I’m a pretty shi...shitty person like that.” I tentatively held a hand up, groping the air to reach for him from my third-person perspective. He gripped my still-slimy hand, and I winced as my body tried to reflexively flinch away. After a couple moments of effort, he managed to guide me to sitting. I whimpered as I leaned on him, and he guided me down to the floor, where I gave a relieved sigh as I came to rest again. “Thanks, Doc. You’re a-awesome.”

“Yes, I know.” He smirked and wiped off the residual lubricant from his clothes as best he could before he stepped over to the sink to wash his hands. “You trust me with your sister?”

“I don’t trust a-anyone else in the w-wo... world like I trust you with m-my body. Why would...n’t I trust you with her?”

“I don’t know. I guess I just don’t have a very good gauge on how you feel about her yet. You strike me as the overprotective older sibling type.”

I gave a more hearty laugh at that. “I guess? She was the same whe...when we were with Foundation. We kinda switched p-places. I think we just... want to k-keep each other safe in this fucked up sit...situation we were b-born into.” I smiled, daring to open my eyes and let some of the glaring light in. “Whoever’s st-stronger car...ries the other. N-No matter what.”

I checked my sensors again. Mouse was securing the cargo we’d salvaged from Lily’s shell into our own stocks. I silently cheered at the sight of MREs being packed into the pantry alongside more of the same packed protein rations. It wasn’t exactly real homemade food, but if I got to taste something besides that disgusting slop for the rest of the trip, I would be happy with that.

Joel, meanwhile, was already climbing the stairs with a familiar body curled up loosely in his arms. She was almost here. She was still in the environment suit, her head resting loosely in the crook of Joel’s arm and her eyes half-lidded with exhaustion. Only her helmet was removed, same as Joel. Maybe he understood the urgency we wished for this reunion. Or maybe there just wasn’t a more appropriate place to leave her on the cargo bay floor.

I’d get to be in the same room as her, at least. It’d still be a few more minutes before I could stand up and give her the hug she deserved, though.

When Joel walked into my heart, I turned my head and opened my eyes as best as I could. I saw Lily’s vision scanning the room as well before she laid eyes down on me and a gentle smile crossed her face. I thought I saw her mouth something, but the words were too quiet to reach me. I smiled back. “Hi.” was all I said at first.

‘Talking’s hard. You got out of the thing for me. It’s nice to see your face. To hear your voice.’ Lily sent me on the network we’d built, still watching me from her perch in Joel’s arms.

He walked her up to the examination table, stepping around me. “Here?” He asked Doc.

“Yeah, I need to take a look at her. Can you help me get the suit off?” Doc asked. “I don’t think Mouse would appreciate me cutting it open.”

“I gotta dress her and undress her?” Joel complained, but he didn’t hesitate as he started working on sliding her out of the suit. “If I didn’t know better, I’d assume you just like seeing women naked.” He chuckled.

“I’m a doctor, not a voyeur.” Doc said while he assisted Joel. It wasn’t more than a couple minutes of fidgeting with zippers and clasps before my sister was laid out in the buff on the bed above me. All the while, I was reassuring her that this was routine and I’d make sure they got her something to cover up with as soon as possible.

“Well, it’s been nice to meet you, homicidal psycho sister.” Joel grumbled as he set Lily down gently on the bed. “But my job here’s done. Have fun with... this whole thing.” He shrugged his shoulders and turned around to walk back out of my heart.

Doc looked after him and sighed quietly at the insensitive jab. Joel really knew how to stick his foot in his mouth and then not give a shit about it. I’d have given him a piece of my mind about it, but I was both currently too weak and too ecstatic just to see my sister to care.

“I’m sorry.” I heard Lily mumble.

“I know.” Doc said with gentle patience as he pulled on a pair of disposable gloves. “Let’s see now.”

“Y-You can re...lax, Lily.” I reassured her.

“Meryll...?” With what minute expression she could manage, I could tell she was concerned at what she’d just heard. The difficulty I had putting my words together took her off-guard.

“Right. M-My voice,” I mumbled. It was her first time hearing me speak since Cassandra’s ‘gift’ left me unable to keep the words in my head and the words that came out of my mouth straight. I tried to change the subject. “D-Don’t worry ab... about Doc. We... have a l-lot in common.” I smirked.

Doc smiled as well, rolling his eyes slightly. “Rest assured, Lily, I am here to be your physician and I have absolutely no interest in anything more than that.”

Lily stared at the ceiling for a moment in contemplation before her eyes opened wider than before. She blushed slightly, and she muttered, “Ohh...”

I gave a small laugh. “Sh-She gets it.”

“Your voice...” Lily called attention back to it, probably trying to change the subject herself. I guess it was a little too much to think she’d just overlook it.

“A g-gift from Cass.” I groaned. I was starting to feel a bit better now, so I didn’t mind talking more in-depth. “Whatev...er she did to me w-when we talked...” It felt awkward explaining it while I was demonstrating it.

Doc chimed in to help me. “It damaged the speech center of her brain. Frankly, it’s a miracle she didn’t cause more damage than that. I hope you don’t share her penchant for giving our favorite core brain damage.”

“Cassandra...? She... hurt you.” Lily mumbled.

“Yeah... i-it hurt. A lot. I’ll re...turn the favor some-someday.” If there was anyone I actually wanted to kill in this world, it was her. Sure, I hated Foundation as well, but they were a corporation, not a person. More than the torment she put me through recently and the scar she left on my mind, she had even made my life before Theseus miserable. I didn’t doubt she’d done her share of harm to Lily as well. I even felt morally justified in my urge to shed the blood of an unrepentant killer who did it for fun rather than self-defense. She was an incredibly dangerous and violent woman, and the world would be better off without her. I shared no love for her, sister or no.

“I hope I’m there for it.” I tilted my head and opened my eyes up at Lily in surprise when I heard that. She’d just expressed earlier how reluctant she would be to suffer taking another life on her conscience, yet she spoke so frankly about Cassandra’s death at my hands as if she was eager for it. She must have really despised our older sister as much as I did.

Lily rested her head back down while Doc examined her, stopping to look at the scars left by her previous equipment. That headband they’d used to control her had left two deep indentations in her forehead where it had been hooked into her before the neural implant was installed. I wondered if it had been a neural interface of its own, and reminded myself to scour her firmware for more traps, like they’d set up in my implant’s firmware.

Doc gently ran a finger over the scars and asked, “Do these go all the way through?”

“To my skull.” Lily murmured quietly. “It was supposed to be permanent before they decided to make me a core.”

“Crude.” Doc exhaled sharply as he felt around the sides of her head. He shook his head. “Monstrous. I’m going to need to do some brain imaging. See what kind of damage they did to you. Check for any surprises they may have left.” He moved down her body, touching her first on the shoulder and asking, “Can you feel this?”

“Yeah.” Lily’s voice was low and distant, like she was somewhere else.

“Lily?” I called her name this time, unsure what to think of her behavior.

“Huh?” She pulled herself to attention, the sudden dissociative distance closing at the sound of my voice.

Doc pulled his hand back and observed for a moment, then said, “I’m sorry. I should have asked your permission first. Is it okay if I touch you to determine the nature of your paralysis? It’s okay if you say no. We can come back to it later.”

Lily stared at him for just a moment, and I could tell she wasn’t sure how to respond for a few moments. She wasn’t used to being given a choice. I swear I saw her eyes becoming glassy. “Y-Yeah. Okay. You... You can.”

Doc nodded and gently placed a hand on her elbow, then forearm, each time getting a positive response from Lily, who had not zoned out this time. Being given agency over her own body had given her some energy. By the time Doc got down to holding her toes and asking, it became clear that she still had feeling in her entire body. Doc leaned back and closed his eyes for a moment in thought.

Time was passing, and all the talking, mildly painful as it was, was helping me acclimate to my senses again more quickly. I thought I could manage to sit up now if I really tried, but it was best not to push my luck. Touch was always especially sensitive for me while I was still recovering. I experimented with pulling the edge of a blanket across my palm, and with the tingling that accompanied the texture, I opted to continue laying still for now.

There was a gentle knock on the door, and I turned my head to see Aisling standing in the doorway. “Dropped out to say hi to your sister?” She asked, looking down at me with a carefully neutral expression. She was still very unhappy with me.

“Y-Yeah.” I turned my head back to stare up at the ceiling again. I didn’t want to hold eye contact with her. “L-Lily, this is Ais...ling.”

With a muted grunt of effort, Lily turned her head to look, and I saw her eyes move up and down over Aisling for a moment. “Sorry,” she said meekly as soon as she seemed to have her measure.

Aisling watched Lily back carefully, pausing on her face. I wondered if the scars drew her attention. “You nearly killed us,” she declared. “Meryll took an enormous risk not turning that ship of yours into slag.”

“It w-wasn’t th-” I started to object, but Aisling turned her eyes down to me with a disapproving glare that immediately took the words out of my mouth, and I had to look away again. I was on thin ice and I had to play along with whatever she was going to say here.

“I’m sorry,” Lily repeated. “I... know I don’t deserve-”

“I’m not finished.” Aisling interrupted her as she continued. “Meryll took a risk with all of our lives on the off-chance she could save yours. Do you understand?”

Lily stared back at her, frozen by the question. Aisling gave her a moment to reply, but her mouth just hung open, dumbfounded, unable to find the words she needed. She was a cornered prey animal staring up at the beast that had her dead to rights. I wanted to step in to help her, but I was afraid of Aisling’s reaction if I talked back to her right then.

The captain stepped into the room and walked closer to the bed, her voice becoming slightly more casual as she leaned on the counter near the bed, behind where I was laying. “I don’t think Meryll’s disloyal. She’s become a valuable member of my crew, and she’s shown nothing but good faith toward us in our travels so far. She loves this ship, she’s become attached to Theseus’s crew as much as the ship itself, and I think she has a lot of reasons to believe in our cause. And yet, she still chose to save you at great personal risk. Do you know what that makes you?”

Lily looked down across the bed, trying to avoid eye contact with Aisling. After a moment, she answered, “I’m... a liability.”

Aisling shook her head, then raised her voice again. “Means you’re real fucking valuable.” My eyes shot open in surprise, and Lily twisted her head to look back at her again, looking just as perplexed. “I don’t approve of what happened here today. Not by a long-shot. I’ve still got a lot to say to Meryll about her decision-making skills in the heat of the moment. But in the end, my crew trusts me, and I trust my crew. And after I had some time to think about it, I trust Meryll knows what she’s doing if she felt like she was forced to take that kind of gamble for you. So you must be worth the bullshit we just went through for you.”

“... Huh?” Lily couldn’t articulate whatever she meant to get out, still trying to make sense of what this person she’d just met was saying. Was she being scolded or praised?

“You’re on my ship now, so I need you to understand, the next time you get it into your head that there’s any excuse whatsoever for you to throw your life away like that, you’re way too fucking valuable to just go breaking yourself against someone you clearly love, never mind anyone else. Got it? You never pull this sacrificial bullshit ever again, under any circumstances. That’s an order.” Aisling glared down at her like she was angry, contrary to her encouraging words.

Lily still stared, frozen, up into Aisling’s eyes, trying to make sense of her demeanor and what she’d just been told. She remained silent, clearly shocked by Aisling’s approach. I was just as stunned. Was this the kind of tough love she needed to hear right now?

Aisling stepped toward her again, hovering over the examination table, and asked sternly, “Do you understand?”

Lily nodded very slowly, too afraid to speak at the moment.

Aisling nodded back at her and gave an approving hum, her expression softening slightly, signaling that she’d gotten across what she intended and was ready to move on. I’d seen her make this abrupt turn of expression after she’d made her point before. She turned her attention to Doc. “What’s the prognosis here?”

“Still working on it.” Doc declared casually, like that dramatic scene hadn’t just played out in front of him not a moment ago. “Psychosomatic reaction leading to quadriplegia; probably a disconnect between the brain and musculature system. Complex PTSD, at the very least on the psychological front. I need to do subdermal scans for any surprises they might have packed away in her body, and some imaging for... any additional problems.”

Aisling nodded. “They fucked you up before Meryll did, huh?” She asked, the malice in her voice before mostly gone, replaced with stern concern. “Foundation, I mean.”

“Y-Yeah.” Lily still looked like she was still in shock from the sudden turn the conversation took toward her well-being.

For a moment, Aisling had a distant, pained expression. It passed in an instant, and she returned to a professional tone. “Like Meryll said, name’s Aisling. Captain of Theseus. Welcome aboard. I’m going to need to get to know you before I decide what your position here is going to be, but for now, you’re our guest. I don’t think it’s necessary to call you a prisoner, given your... situation.”

Lily nodded slowly, the difficulty in moving her neck very obvious. “Meryll... t-told me about you.”

“Oh? What’d she say?” Aisling asked more candidly now, a small smile growing on her face.

“That y-you’re hot.” I chimed in.

Lily couldn’t help herself but let out a gentle but continuous giggle at my snark, which built up into a poorly controlled fit of open laughter. The mood immediately lightened by her apparent inability to hold herself back.

The captain and I shared an accomplished expression for a moment before we both returned our attentions to her. Aisling knew exactly what she was doing since she walked into the room; she was trying to ease Lily’s fragile state of mind in her own way, and it worked. She was probably still rightly pissed off at me for my decisions, but she knew Lily was still incredibly fragile and any real discipline she had prepared could wait. I knew we still had a lot to talk about before we were okay, but I was glad she could take a bit of my mockery for the sake of easing Lily’s burden.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” Lily kept laughing, trying to apologize while she giggled uncontrollably, her words only making it harder for her to calm herself down. It must have been a long time since she felt like she could express any kind of happiness, and it was clear both that she didn’t know how to control it very well and that she needed it.

I’d waited long enough. This seemed like a good moment to spring into action. With a small grunt of effort, I pushed my palm down onto the floor. It still hurt a little, but I knew I could hold myself up now. Doc rushed to my side to catch me in case I fell, but I got myself up onto my feet by the time Lily’s laughing fit was starting to fade. I stood over her and smiled down at my sister.

I’d wanted to do this since she came into my shell.

I leaned down and wrapped my arms awkwardly around her shoulders, resting my head against hers as she went still with surprise. It wasn’t the most pleasant sensation. We were both still slightly sticky with core lubricant, she couldn’t do anything to hold me herself, and I couldn’t apply much force to the hug in my lingering sensory sickness, but she pushed her head against mine as best as she could. I heard the quietest sob escape her lips, and it was all instantly worth it.

“Wel...come home.” I whispered to her. The weight of the last few days fell from her shoulders in an instant, and she started crying tears of exhausted relief.