Theseus

I frowned at Doc, understanding the implication of what he’d just said. He was right. If this was really some kind of elite ship core strike force, then I might not be as safe in a battle as the last conversation would have me believe. If the other six worked WITH Foundation, then they wouldn’t have been training against AI sims. They would be training against one another, and they would be far more skilled than I could become with what I had. “Then… do I even stand a chance?” my voice quivered as I asked.

“Of course you do.” Fuller said quickly, an almost condescending tone to her voice “If that’s even really what’s going on, you’ve already forgotten the one big advantage you already have on them. You’re sane.”

“How does that make them LESS dangerous?” I snapped, feeling frustrated at her nonchalant attitude.

“No, Meryll, she’s got a point. Let’s hear about it.” Doc motioned for Dr. Fuller to continue “Please, elaborate, just how unhinged are these other units?”

“Well, I had pretty limited direct contact with any of them, but I’d heard rumors and seen enough when I did get a chance. The successful units were hardly fit to be released into the general populace of a psych ward, never mind in control of starships. I know Cassandra is the worst of them.” She started.

“The one that killed Dr. Arthausen?” Doc asked “I would imagine if they’re capable of gleefully murdering someone, that would make them difficult to control.”

“That’s where this whole theory falls apart for me. I can’t imagine any of them would care to cooperate with Foundation.” Fuller added, but then let out a sigh “But fine. If we’re going to entertain this, I suppose I could write up some reports about them for you, if you’re going to be here for a few days anyway.”

I nodded, looking forward to reading about my sisters. Who might one day be my future opponents.

The room was silent for a long time. Dr. Fuller was still looking over various records and notes related to me, while Doc and I tried to process everything that we’d just been told. I closed my eyes and looked over the file of my dreams through Doc’s program. Perhaps it was best I didn’t know. Maybe it would have been better if I just let my own past be, just like the rest of the crew. Should I have just abandoned it? Perhaps looking into it more would just reinvite the suffering I no doubt had to endure in a life before Theseus.

But another part of me reasoned that if I ignored it, I might not be able to mentally prepare myself for the inevitable natural return of my memory that I was apparently destined for. If I could see what to expect ahead of time, maybe I could objectively handle it without entirely losing my sanity “Hey Dr. Fuller?” I asked “Would it be possible to separate the streams of information in my brain scan?”

She looked up toward my body, not aware that I was watching her more from my sensors “With a little effort, maybe. For what?” she asked.

“I’ve just got this theory stuck in my head. That if I can analyze my dreams, maybe I can jar my memory. If I can remember in an objective environment, knowing that the trauma was simulated, then maybe I can keep myself from ending up like my sisters.”

Fuller shook her head “That may be unwise, you’re likely not psychologically equipped to deal with it yet. I have a colleague that I could refer you to, while you’re here on Venus. A behavioral psychologist who has actually been studying the mental state of the residents of the colony. Dr. Yates offers therapy free of charge in exchange for anonymous research data. I’m positive he would want to take a break from his main project to get a chance to spend some time reading into someone like you. And he might be able to offer you some advice on how to deal with what you’ll be uncovering.”

I nodded slowly at her and looked down at the floor. It felt like I had been diagnosed with some terrible illness that was inevitably going to take my life. Or at least my sanity. “But when I am ready for it… will I even be able to look into my dreams in any meaningful way?”

Fuller seemed hesitant. She didn’t want to get my hopes up about it, and she certainly didn’t want to push me toward looking at something that could potentially drive me mad. But she answered anyway. “Maybe. Technology for interpreting sleep brain waves into something observable is definitely there. It’s not great, but ‘watching’ your dreams is something you can do. Maybe even more than that given your status as… well, part machine, yourself.”

I took no offense to the implication. I had become okay with being a machine weeks ago, it was the ‘not being a person’ thing that bothered me. And I was starting to internalize that that was merely a construct of the society I’d grown up in. “Then… I guess I’ll go see your buddy. I hope he’s not freaked out about the whole… thing that I am.”

“About that. You do know that I don’t just have the authority to grant landing permissions on the colony without explanation, right?” She looked a little bit nervous “I did have to explain to Dr. Topher, our port authority, why I gave this ship permissions the way I did.”

“And you lied… right?” Doc finally chimed in “Told them that we’re visitors from your homeworld? Or something to that effect?”

“I gave up playing part in conspiracies when I stopped being involved with creating horribly traumatized people from empty human shells. I don’t play with secrets anymore.” She shook her head “I told Jim that there was potentially a valuable and unique research subject on board. Your captain’s been dealing with some of my colleagues that have grown curious already.”

I groaned “Well, I kind of expected something like this to happen. I guess I’m going to have people poking and prodding at me if I go in there.”

“I didn’t mention exactly what you are. Partly because I didn’t know exactly what to expect at the time, and partly because I wanted to give you some level of privacy. But when you have a station full of curious scientists, the promise of anything new can get some people eagerly knocking on doors if it could be relevant to their interests.” She sighed “I apologize if it brings you some undue attention, but it was bound to get out eventually. You’d be surprised how much of a gossip mill this place can be.”

I waved it off “Like I said, I expected something like this. I even talked with Aisling about it before we landed, told her we might have to use me as a bargaining chip. If it lets us stay here long enough to repair and resupply, that’s what we need. Getting answers about myself was just a nice bonus.”

“So where do you go after that? We certainly can’t let you stay indefinitely if Foundation is chasing you down. We don’t owe fealty to them, being this far outside their sphere of influence, but we can’t exactly repel them if they wanted to come down on us either.” Fuller asked “It certainly wouldn’t be in our interest to start a war for you.”

“We’ll figure that out.” Doc muttered “Captain knows what she’s doing, and she’ll come up with something. Always does. I imagine that she’s already dealing with deflecting solicitors though.” He gave a heavy sigh “Well, Dr. Fuller, this has certainly been… enlightening. Upsetting, but enlightening. I did kind of hope that meeting you would help me better understand how to care for Meryll as a ship core, and other than the fact that she definitely needs psychological counsel, it is a little disappointing that you know about as much as I do about keeping a living ship core in good health.”

“What’s to tell?” Fuller shrugged her shoulders and smiled warmly at me “You say that like she’s a pet you can’t communicate with or something. She’ll let you know what she needs.”

“I need a cheeseburger and another day in the core module.” I chimed in. The terrible existential dread was best kept at bay with sarcastic banter.

“A child would have been a more apt metaphor.” Doc smirked “What you need is some light exercise and a little bit of sun exposure. Grab Mouse as an escort and go see whatever doctors you need to, Meryll.”

“Yes, dad.” I scoffed playfully, finally opening my eyes, swinging my legs over the side of the bed and standing up “Umm, and Dr. Fuller. Thanks. This has all been so much to take in. Really, it’s been overwhelming. But I’m glad to finally have at least some answers. Even if they’re grim.”

“You two have a strange relationship…” she noted with an amused tone “I assume you’re going with her?”

“No, I’d rather not.” Doc mumbled “I’d rather not leave the ship at all if I can help it. I have my reasons. If you won’t lie for me, I at least ask that you be discreet.”

She nodded “When you say it like that and you hide your name… I see… yes, of course. If anyone asks, you’re just too busy.”

“Well, it’s not a lie. I’ve got a lot of thinking to do on this whole subject myself.” Doc murmured “I could use some alone time.”

“Not gonna lie, it’s gonna be weird being away from Theseus again.” I said as I walked toward the door, followed soon by Dr. Fuller.

As we walked down the hall together, she spoke quietly “Does he keep you in there? Is this some kind of abusive thing?”

“What?” I chuckled. “No way, he just takes his job way too seriously.”

“You’re sure it’s not like… a thing he has for you or something?”

I laughed a little harder “Why’s everyone seem to think that? We’re close, sure, but that’s just cause we spend a lot of time together. We’re not lovers or anything, hell, we’re not even… compatible that way.”

She sounded mildly confused “I don’t follow.”

“Let’s just say, I’m the only one in that room who might have considered involving themselves with you, for instance.” I tried to make the more subtle hint.

She stopped in her tracks and I turned to watch the gears turning in her head as she tried to piece together what I’d just said, and when I saw her expression turn from bewildered concentration to realization, I smirked at her. “Oh so you’re-” I nodded to her. “And he’s also… you’re sure?” she asked.

I giggled “Is it that unusual?”

“I mean, I suppose not, it’s just that I didn’t expect it.” She mumbled “Come to think of it, you had said that you had a girlfriend in college. In your simulated college that is. I wonder if that’s a common trait of the units.” She pondered out loud “It could be some function of your genetics and your simulated life. If there were only a larger sample size…”

“Huh. Hadn’t considered all that. I just know I find women attractive.” I shrugged. I’d never really considered the why of it until that moment. Was being a lesbian something that was instilled in me through my simulated memories, or was it just something inherent to my nature? Some combination of both? I guessed that I would never really know for sure. “Would have made for an interesting study, huh?”