Theseus

This couldn’t be happening. What was Lily doing? What did she mean when she meant she was going to end this together? Surely she didn’t mean to attack me?

Her course was obvious. Her trajectory didn’t hint at a formation approach. She was charging for an assault.

I didn’t understand what was happening, but I had to act fast. I took a mental grip on my piloting controls and concentrated as best as I could. Evasive maneuvers, then I could talk her down. Accelerating as I did already threw her slightly off, and I guessed that Lily didn’t have the most fine control of her ship in her current state. She wasn’t trained the way I was, either. I could do this.

The crew, scattered throughout the ship, had already stumbled at the sudden acceleration, my brace warning coming far too late for most of them to react appropriately. While I tried to ignore the din of their cries for an explanation, I sent another ship-wide announcement. “We are under attack! One of those new Foundation fighter ships! I need to make evasive maneuvers!” I decided to leave off that it was my sister piloting the ship for now.

By the time the message had nearly finished broadcasting, I was gritting my teeth and preparing to pull Theseus away from Lily’s line of attack at the last moment so she couldn’t correct back when she fired.

I barely had the time to react as Lily’s ship came barreling into my immediate space, and I activated all my propulsion on one side of the ship to jerk myself away from the attack. I felt a sense of sickness as my artificial gravity systems momentarily failed to compensate for the extreme banking turn. I knew that everyone was either holding desperately to something anchored to the ship or doing their best to keep themselves from sliding into a wall.

It worked. But she gave no weapons fire. And she didn’t veer off like an attacking ship ordinarily would. Lily’s ship slipped within a hundred meters of my hull and flew right past at full speed with no intent to swerve after a salvo.

Lily didn’t intend to fire on me. She intended to end us both in one blow.

She was trying to ram herself into me.

My entire body stayed tense for several seconds while I sat, too paralyzed by the close call and the realization of my sister’s strategy, to bring my body or mind to react.

‘oh’ came the next message from Lily. I watched her slide out of my local sensor range, failing to slow herself at all. ‘meryll please dont do this i dont want to hurt anymore and i know you dont either please it hurts too much just stand still’

“Meryll, what the fuck!” Aisling exclaimed, thrown halfway across the floor of the helm. She was barely clinging to the bottom of her desk.

I flicked on her intercom. “She’s trying to ram us! I barely got a hundred meters out of the path! That was as gentle as I could be!”

“Fuck!” Aisling shouted again, picking herself up and glancing at her desk like she was thinking of getting back to her terminal, but instead grabbed hold of the door frame as an anchor. “Meryll, you know what you need to do. I know she’s your sister, but if she’s trying to smash us together, you have to take her out first.”

There were calls coming from all over the ship. Mouse was berating me as loud as he could while he gathered some straps down in the engine room in an effort to start lashing himself to the reactor’s terminal. Joel, Doc, and Ray were checking on each other in the mess hall and demanding explanations, and Shaw was groaning in his room, having been thrown violently into the wall. I didn’t have time to check if he was injured, or to respond to anyone else, though.

I had to focus on Lily.

I grit my teeth and growled to myself as I tried to take Aisling’s advice to heart. Logically, that made complete sense to me. I’d shot down this very same ship before, with a competently trained ship core in control, and this one was just trying to ram it into me as quickly as possible rather than actually fighting a battle. She’d likely been in control of the ship for less than a day. It shouldn’t have been difficult to take it out like I had before.

But this one was Lily.

‘Lily, please, stop! You have to listen! That pain you’re feeling is temporary! I know I can fix it! My captain’s telling me I have to shoot you down, and if you keep doing this, she’ll be right! I will have to take you down! Please, you have to trust me! Don’t make me kill you, Lily!’

‘can you really do that?’ She asked. There was a short pause, then ‘if you can then i accept it hurts too much meryll its not going away its never going away and ill never be the woman i was meant to be again anyway i want to help you meryll but if this pain means more to you than i do then please’ I watched as the ship flew back into range again, already repositioned to face me again. ‘kill me’ She sent, and then the ship accelerated once more.

“She’s coming back! Brace!” I announced to the crew earlier this time.

I saw everyone grab hold of something, Mouse shouted “She?!” and Aisling lowered herself to a preparatory stance.

I had to retaliate somehow. I couldn’t shoot her down. I couldn’t even imagine shooting at Lily. Maybe a few days ago, before I had that dream, I could have managed it, but now it was impossible. The very idea made me sick and froze my thoughts. Lily, the girl who believed in me, the girl who pulled me up from the brink of madness and gave me love and family when we both had nothing, was not someone I could kill. But I had to do something.

I took in a few deep breaths as I readied my maneuver. I’d have to risk scripting it rather than doing it myself. I needed to connect to Lily via psychic network and fix this while she was in range, and I knew that would take all my concentration. I knew I’d have just a split second, but if I could push in a payload to diagnose the problem, maybe I could figure out how to fix this. I just needed to relieve this pain she was experiencing. I had to calm her down so she could listen to reason.

And as my entire shell violently lurched back out of the way and sent the crew and all of our loose belongings scattering around, I reached out with my sixth sense and for just a moment, I touched something with my mind. Deep inside of that ship, I felt for the core. And I was assaulted by a familiar, confusing barrage of requests and errors that prevented me from delving any deeper.

Then the moment was gone, and Lily’s ship once more flew past, far out of psychic network and local sensor range.

What the hell was that? That wasn’t Lily. That was how a standard core reacts to a psychic network connection.

‘meryll it hurts’ Lily called. ‘i felt something you did something to me didnt you it hurts more what did you do meryll make it stop’

Something dawned on me. Lily’s ship had to have had a core before Lily grafted herself. That core must have still been on board.

‘Lily! I know what the problem is! The core! The other one in your ship! It’s not isolated! It must be screwing with your head! You have to shut it out!’

‘it doesnt matter its going to die with us meryll were all going to die and the pain will stop what did you do to me it hurts ithurtssomuch’ I didn’t see her whip back into range again immediately. She was momentarily distracted.

I felt sick. I couldn’t reason with her. I was almost certain why she was suffering and she was too lost to do anything about it.

“Meryll! I didn’t hear your weapons fire!” Aisling shouted as she continued to cling to a bar mounted near the edge of the doorway. “Come on! We can’t keep this up forever! I’m sorry, but its her or all of us at this point! If I haven’t made it perfectly clear yet, you need shoot that ship down!”

This had to be a nightmare. This couldn’t be real. It felt like I’d just recalled this girl who meant the world to me, and now I had to kill her? I needed time. I needed to figure out something. There had to be some other way out of this. I just needed time to put it together!

Time. My breath hitched as that word echoed through my head like a bell, its purpose clear as day. And I hated it. I felt sick in a completely different way as I touched the intercom again. I would need to start with a little lie. “She’s too fast, and she keeps sweeping by before I can retaliate! I can’t get a lock on her!” I swallowed as I said the line that made me ill. “I need to use computational time!”

“Compu-” Aisling’s eyes widened. “You’re serious?” She asked, letting the question hang in the air for just a moment before she stepped forward into the helm again and slammed her fist into the intercom button. “Doc! Get to the core module! We need to hot swap some hardware!”

“Now?!” I heard Doc’s exasperated cry out from the mess hall.

“Yes, now!” I answered for Aisling. “Get me the damper! Be quick!”

Doc pulled himself out from under the mess hall table and pulled himself up to his feet quickly. “You’re ready to handle it?”

“I don’t have much of a choice. I can’t freehand aim against this thing at the speed she’s going!” I fibbed, already feeling genuinely distressed at the thought of losing myself to the device again. I knew there wasn’t a physical limitation to me shooting at my sister at all. I definitely could shoot her down if I had the nerve. This was purely an emotional problem. “It’s marginally better than getting blown apart with another ship rammed into us,” I reasoned sarcastically.

I turned my attention back to Lily. ‘Lily, I’m about to do something that hurts me. A lot. It’s onne of the worst things I’ve ever experienced. But I need to do it to stop you. Please, stand down. For both of us.’

‘why do you do this meryll whats the point its too much we can just end this now weve already suffered enough we dont need to go through more of this just let me end us’

I saw her ship swoop into sensor range once more, and it gave a small spin to stabilize itself after its turn, lining itself head on with me once more.

“Brace!” I shouted internally again. I watched Doc latch himself tight to the railing at the top of the stairwell with his whole upper body, cursing loudly. I hoped he’d be able to hold on there.

I jerked the whole ship up once more as Lily passed just under my hull, but I watched in horror as I saw her bank her ship again to match me.

I felt a horrid pain in my stomach, like someone had just slashed a knife through my belly. I opened my eyes and silently cried out in pain while the faint distant sound of crunching metal echoed through my sensors. But twisting my human body around in shock to look at my stomach, I saw nothing.

Diagnostics rushed in. Lily’s ship had slid across my armor and torn into it. Surface damage, nothing more. My hull wasn’t compromised. Nothing had been depressurized. My crew was safe. I wasn’t bleeding out from a gut wound. I was okay. I was going to be just fine. I was going to be okay. Breathe, dammit!

I took in a deep, sharp breath to stabilize myself and closed my eyes again. I hadn’t experienced ship damage with that kind of clarity before. The cargo bay explosion had caused much worse destruction, but I had still been in a daze from the damper at that moment, and I passed out before I could feel the aftermath. This really did feel like my skin had been lacerated, and I knew there was a break in my outer layer now.

Lily’s ship seemed unphased. It either wasn’t as deep of an impact as I felt it was, or her ship really was made of much sterner stuff than Theseus.

This was bad. She was acclimating to her shell. She was getting better at handling the ship. I truly couldn’t keep doing this forever, because her machine really did outclass mine, and she was learning rapidly, just like I had in the combat sims. However I was going to end this, I had to end it soon, or she would eventually get her way.

“Fuck! The moment I have a budget again, I’m installing a new artificial gravity system.” Aisling growled to herself. While she had returned to her position at the door before the maneuver, she’d lost her grip and slid a few meters down the hallway on her stomach before I stabilized. “Damage report! And can’t you at least take some potshots at her!?” She shouted.

“Just a flesh wound!” I parroted her own line she used when she was injured. I ignored her call to use my cannons. I couldn’t. Not as I was now. Not while I could feel.

“Meryll!” Mouse yelled again. I watched him detach himself from the restraint he’d tied himself to and run over to a pipe on the wall that was rattling slightly. “You need to end this now. You’re pushing all the gas propulsion way too hard! Something’s gonna explode at this rate!” He glanced around at the floor and grabbed a sheet metal clamp that had been scattered in the violent maneuvers, wrapping it around one of the pipe’s joints and pulling it tight before spinning a nearby valve. He must have been glad for his mechanical arms for once if it meant not touching that pipe with flesh.

He was right, though. I felt a heat beneath the burning imaginary wound in my stomach, like something was about to rupture inside of me. Like I’d pushed my body too hard and was going to throw up to relieve the pressure. Theseus was a miraculous ship, but it had its limits, and I was already pushing them.

‘that felt’ Lily’s message paused as she failed to process what word she would use for having brushed with death. I prayed it would wake her up and give her some clarity. But then she typed ‘better’ and I knew it wasn’t going to end that easily.

“You need to open the core module, Meryll.” Doc called from my heart. He must have rushed there quick after the last maneuver. “Can you still dodge without sensory deprivation?”

I didn’t even wait for him to finish saying it. I’d already sent the command to open up. I didn’t know how long I had, but if I had to take evasive maneuvers while the core module was offline, then so be it. It wasn’t until after I’d done it that I realized I’d now be subject to being thrown around as well. And I had nothing to hold on to. I might get seriously hurt. It didn’t matter.

“I’ll manage. Just pass it to me through the slot, right away. I’ll install it myself!” The core module began draining. I really wished I could make it hurry up, but this was hardly something that was ordinarily done in the midst of combat. I needed to buy as much time as I could.

‘Lily. Can we talk for just a moment?’ I started. ‘If this is going to be it, at least let me say goodbye to you properly.’

‘why would you want to wait?’ She asked.

‘I just want to say that I remember what you did for me. You helped me so much. I didn’t think that I’d ever feel like I was at home in my own head. I didn’t think there would ever be anyone there for me. I didn’t think anyone would be able to take the pain away. If they gave me a chance, I probably would have killed myself a lot sooner if you hadn’t come along.’

‘oh’ she sent again, another momentary pause following as the lights shut off around me. ‘meryll im sorry i didnt mean to keep you alive in this hell i didnt mean to make you suffer longer im sorry’

‘Don’t be. You got me through it, and I eventually found a way out of the pain.’ I couldn’t prove it, but I imagined Lily waiting at the edge of my local sensors, her hand stayed just a moment for what she believed to be my self-constructed eulogy. ‘And I’m thankful for what I’ve experienced since I broke free of that pain. I love you so much for what you did for me. And I only wish I could have done the same in return.’ I prayed that would keep her talking for just another moment.

‘meryll’ Another pause as I ducked my head down to keep myself submerged while the deafening sound of the core module beginning to open above me scrambled my senses. I definitely didn’t have it in me to reacclimate my lungs both ways in this. It took everything I had to hold my focus on the data stream, especially with the white hot burning sensation in my gut where I had been psychosomatically wounded. ‘im not like you i cant come back from this i cant stand this for another moment please meryll please dont make this take longer than it has to i want it to end it hurts’

I nodded to no one in particular. ‘I’m sorry too.’ I heard the splash of something hitting the lubricant next to me over the still-opening sphere. That was enough. I immediately hit the button to close the module again. Just a little longer.

‘you are?’ I had expected the conversation to end there, but I guess I struck a nerve with that, and I took the opportunity to keep from having to dodge again with all these distractions.

‘I’m sorry I hurt you. I hurt you so many times. When we were younger, I broke something in your arm. I remembered how guilty I felt immediately, even back then. I don’t remember everything after that, but I’m sure I hurt you so many other times, and you probably got in so much trouble trying to do things to help me feel better. I’m so sorry that I made your life harder.’

‘what? you didnt you made this world a little less terrible’ I grit my teeth as I listened to the slats around the sphere moving back into place and the lubricant starting to pump back in. ‘i love you meryll thats why im doing this please dont think i hate you’

‘But even right now, I’m hurting you just by making you wait. Because I wanted to let you know how much you mean to me before we go. Because I wanted to make sure you know how much I appreciate what you did for me.’

‘meryll’ There was a long pause as I felt myself float back into position at the center of the sphere. I felt something bump into my back, and without looking, I reached back and took hold of the expansion that had haunted me this whole past month.

I opened one eye to look at it. My other self. My purely logical computational side made manifest as a simple silver cylinder. I still felt sick thinking about it, but I had new perspectives now. I had learned to face my problems head-on, and I had learned to appreciate the person hidden deep within such machinery through Isabelle. But most of all, it was my only saving grace now. If this had to be done, it couldn’t be done while I still felt that attachment to her, and this was how I shed that concern.

‘thank you meryll’ The lights flashed on, and once more I could see the digital world with absolute clarity, returning once more to the void while I lifted the damper up behind my head. ‘it means a lot to hear that from you i really do love you meryll so its time for us to go together’

As I clicked the module back into the expansion bay in the back of my head, I felt that momentary flash of emptiness that came with the hardware initializing itself once more. The world and my sense of self hitched for just a moment with no actual time lost, and I felt a spike of terrible dissociation reminded me of what it was like. I shivered from the reminder of what I was about to submit myself to, and I saw Lily’s ship once more fly in toward my flank. ‘goodbye sister’

I didn’t have time to think. I didn’t have time to worry about the consequences. I would suffer anything to not be me at that moment. To not have to endure the consequences of what I would have to do by myself. Of what I had to do to her. I activated the damper, changing none of its safety settings, knowing there was still no duration set.

At the moment before it activated, I sent one last message before I was no longer me. And then the Meryll that felt anything at all for her sister collapsed into the back of my mind.

‘I’m so sorry.’