Theseus

To say that I had expected Joel to offer to tell me a piece of his history would be a grievous lie. I didn’t even know what I had expected of the conversation when I came to Joel for comfort. Teasing, probably. Frustrated eye-rolling and biting my head off for being emotional. He’d done that before, after all. But no, he heard my plea, probably understood the implication behind it, and offered something of precious value to the crew of Theseus: His past. Once I said that yes, of course I’d like to hear about where he’d come from, he hardened up again and pushed a few stipulations on me.

First and foremost, that I wouldn’t share what he was about to tell me with anyone else, which I hadn’t planned on, anyway. I knew how important information like this was to people like us. And second, he told me, “I’m not about to tell this story to the ceiling, get down here with your real body,” to which I almost indignantly balked that Theseus is my real body, but I wasn’t in the mood to start a pedantic fight about that in my state. He wanted a human body to be face to face with as he recounted his tale, and I guess I couldn’t blame someone who isn’t half-starship too much for feeling that way.

It took a little while for me to get Doc’s permission to come through what had just been an active surgery room, and then come down from the sensory overload of returning to physical reality in the flesh, but I was used to that by then. And I still felt just as uncomfortable about what happened in that battle twenty minutes later when I donned the single stupid button-up shirt I owned and walked down into my reactor, like someone who had shrunk down and wandered into their own stomach.

Joel was already waiting for me, sitting on a spare crate he’d pulled up alongside the reactor, an identical one already placed for me across from him. I guess he’d been setting up while I struggled through sensory whiplash. “Cozy.” I commented hoarsely. My voice was becoming just as atrophied as my musculature. I cleared my throat and continued, trying to project a little more and ignoring my stutter, “Tha-Thank you, Joel.” I idly brushed the top of the crate off to make sure it wasn’t dusty before planting myself down facing the soldier. In the moment of silence that followed, I couldn’t help but note the horrible heaviness that surrounded me. It wasn’t just lingering sensory issues. I felt tired in a way that didn’t feel entirely physical. An exhaustion of the soul. Was this the weight of the burdens I was ignoring?

Joel nodded slowly, examining me the whole time I was lost in my thoughts. It almost felt like... pity. He took in another deep breath and then leaned forward and started, “So, I was a soldier.”

“No sh-shit.” I gave him an unimpressed smirk.

He didn’t look amused. “What’s that mean? Is it really that obvious?”

“Figured it out the fir-first day I met you.” I gave a nervous glance to the side, hoping this wasn’t pushing some boundary I didn’t understand. “The way you carry yours...elf. The way you t-talk. The stuff in battle espe-especial-shully. It all sc-screams ‘look at me, I was some kind of spec ops war hero.’”

Joel stared at me for a few moments with an unreadable expression, and I thought I’d fucked this up, but then he just muttered to himself, “It’s seriously that obvious?”

“Like you craw-crawled out of an old war d-drama.” I gave him a shrug. Was he seriously unaware of just how much he was reinforcing stereotypes?

He let out a quiet, pensive sigh, the rhythm of his story clearly disrupted by the obvious revelation. “Well, it happened on Deimos," he started anew "There was a big conflict there a while ago.”

“The Mars revo...lution?” I asked, recalling hearing news of the conflict. It had been heavily filtered by corporate media, but the revolutionaries had had the presence to spread their message of liberation from corporate tyranny via public media on the relay before the news could orchestrate a better cover-up, so the news of a dangerous organized terrorist cell starting a war was a bit transparent by the time the public in the outer colonies heard of it. Frankly, I was amazed that I was aware of it at all, given my memories were wholly constructed falsehoods made by the worst of those companies, but I suppose my awareness of current events wasn’t a total black hole of misinformation, so they must have been feeding me data of genuine news. “You were th-there? Theseus was... was there?”

Joel nodded. “The whole crew was involved in the conflict,” Joel mused. “They’d taken on a smuggling operation. Theseus was supposed to get us some much needed materiel and supply aid from Luna before things escalated. They were making their delivery when shit went down. Wrong place at the wrong time.”

“‘Us’?” I asked, then immediately tilted my head up. “You were a re...revolutionary.” He nodded at me in agreement. I had been correct that Joel was a soldier, but he wasn’t a corporate soldier. He was a freedom fighter from the beginning. It must have been well-organized if he had his level of combat discipline under his belt. One didn’t need much justification to have the kind of bitter hatred Joel had for corporations, but I definitely understood it a little better now that I knew he’d faced them in war. “So you met on th-the battle...field?”

He nodded back at me again. “Everyone except Doc. They had another medic at the time. Guy named Casey.” He cleared his throat, muttering to himself for a moment about how he was getting ahead of himself. It was pretty obvious he didn’t feel very comfortable. This wasn’t something he’d talked about for a long time, and he was probably reliving some unpleasant moments himself. But I was enraptured, like a child staring up expectantly at her teacher. “Captain and I met at gunpoint.”

“Huh? But you were on-on thhhe same si-side.” I had trouble with that sentence for some reason and grimaced more at myself than at Joel.

“We didn’t know that.” Joel explained. “See, I was running point for my squad while we were trying to secure a foothold in what had been a recently evacuated residential zone. I got separated when enemy air support showed up way sooner than expected and left us scattered. Just a general airstrike that happened to scatter us, I think. Made it to a mostly-intact office building near the edge of the area and got ready to bunker down and establish a camp. Turns out, Captain had the same idea. They must have heard me hitting cover after I heard them, and I popped out, staring down my rifle’s sights at someone holding a pistol right back at me. Captain didn’t look like Foundation or any other kind of PMC, but she looked like she knew how to use what she was holding. I’ll never forget that steely gaze. Only time I’ve ever seen it trained on me. She’d have pulled that trigger for sure if I made the wrong move.”

He was smiling, like this was a good memory for him. I couldn’t help myself. “What? Don’t te...ll me strong beautiful w-women aiming guns at you is your th... thing.” I chuckled.

He gave an amused huff. “No comment. Anyway, I declared my name and rank, and she announced herself as the captain of Theseus. I ask if she’s corpo, and she gives me a negative, but neither of us is about to put our guns down. I’m at a loss cause even the hardened civvies usually trusted me and stood down by that point. And then she asks why I’m there alone. We have a long back and forth that feels like she’s interrogating me. She finally got me to lower my weapon first. She’s always had a way with words.”

It never really clicked with me before, but Aisling almost seemed to be the only person Joel showed any real respect to. He almost always referred to her as Captain instead of using her name, and he never argued with her directly. She must have left quite an impression on him on that battlefield. I pressed my gaze back down to the floor. I thought back to how powerful, yet caring and beautifully elegant Aisling felt in our escape from the Venus colony. She pushed me through the situation without ever making me feel like she wasn't in total control of the situation. She even assured me I wouldn’t actually ever have to shoot my weapon in that fight, and she carried through on that promise to her own detriment. Aisling bolstered me and carried me with gentle certainty through that whole encounter, and it honestly made me wonder if I was developing a crush. “Maybe we have sim...ilar tastes.” I gave a nervous chuckle.

He gave a single loud grunt of laughter before settling into silence for a few moments, a comfortable smile slowly growing on his face. I guess he just didn’t enjoy talking about matters of attraction. Without another word on the subject, he continued his story. “She invited me to their camp, deeper inside the building. They’d been separated from their ship when the fighting started, and even though they were well-armed for self-defense, they weren’t armed for a war. Figured they’d be able to sneak out in the aftermath once things died down. I wasn’t about to leave them alone, especially since they had a ‘kid’ with them.” He laughed again. “Mouse was pissed I called him that, even back then. He always had that chip on his shoulder. I actually ended up teaching him how to shoot proper there. It’s why he prefers rifles.”

“Guess he hadn’t built the Thunderb...bolt yet?” I mused, imagining Mouse’s portable artillery cannon being carried around by someone who didn’t even know how to shoot.

“Nah, wasn’t long after this he started on it, though. It was his big project for months.” He smiled widely, a bit of pride in his expression. Then his expression slowly dropped. “He... had to get through some of his own demons before that, though.” Joel cleared his throat, his voice lowering as, for I think the first time since I met him, I felt a twinge of vulnerability in his voice. “I... didn’t know Foundation already had a bead on me when I came into that building. Led them right to the crew.”

“Oh...” I murmured quietly, understanding well the burden of feeling like you failed your comrades, even if something had been beyond your control or knowledge. It probably didn't feel that much different from how I felt about dragging Foundation's attention to them now that I knew they were so fanatically pursuing me.

“Yeah. I fucked up.” He nodded. “We were sieged by one of the subcontracted PMC squads for three days. Probably thought since I’d gone in there that it was already a resistance outpost, but I guess the big companies didn’t want to spend their primary force on us, or we'd have never survived. I actually offered to surrender myself so the crew could walk before things escalated. Captain told me off for that. It was a stupid idea in hindsight, anyway. They’d already labeled them as enemy forces. The enemy wasn’t gonna take my word that they were just some civvies that got caught in my stupid maneuver. She never gave me shit for any of that either. Mouse and Casey did for awhile, even think Ray gave me a few dirty looks when I couldn’t see her, but not the captain. She just handed me ammo when I ran out, and shared food and water when the combat lulled.”

“Guess she re... recog...ni...nized you were l-lost and des...sperate. She cares about people like th-that.” I remarked, wincing at a particularly difficult word, but trying not to let it bother me too much. The stutter always got worse if I tried to talk too much at once, and my mind was growing tired of trying to piece together the words again already.

He stared into the middle distance, giving a barely perceptible nod while a thoughtful look came over him. “Yeah, I guess she does, doesn’t she?” He rumbled quietly. “Well, she was definitely there for me in that battle. I’d like to say that I wasn’t that vulnerable, but... yeah, I’d have died if the crew wasn’t there. We built a fast comaraderie once the fighting started. We shared intel and kept each other covered. She included me in the watch rotation when we needed to rest. And I got just as heated when... when Casey got gut shot. Guy was reckless, but he didn’t deserve to go out like that.” He grumbled quietly, clearly blaming himself for the loss of someone I never knew myself. I hadn't really considered that the crew hadn't built directly into what it was today. I wondered what Casey's story was, but it was lost now.

“That lit a fire under us. It was the turning point in the fight once Captain and I started taking back the building together. Admittedly got a bit drunk on revenge there. We had to move out, anyway, though. They would have called for air support and leveled the place if we stayed any longer. Had to flee through the streets, under fire.” He grimaced, a darkness slowly spreading down his face, something distasteful coming to mind. “I’ll never forget Mouse’s face after we were caught off guard down an alleyway by someone with heavy weapons. He had the only clean shot from a balcony he’d climbed up on. He took it. Saved the rest of us with a clean kill... but that changes someone, you know? Even someone tough as him.”

I swallowed. Was he trying to make a point about me in the middle of this story too? I didn’t know what my expression was telling him, but he had a look of pity on his face that I knew was directed at me and not at the memory of Mouse. I gave a shuddering sigh. “Then what?” I muttered.

“Captain had a few chances on our mad dash through the city. Could have left me behind. Could have used me as bait to draw them away. Nah. She wouldn’t do that. She took me the whole way back to the makeshift port we’d set up. We got a sitrep from a scout we ran into on the way. Whole operation already went to shit. We were being routed, and we had nowhere to fall back to. We lost. I was gonna go back, maybe see if I could hook back up with the rest of my squad if they were still alive. Captain gave me another offer. Join up with Theseus. She told me I was a good gunman, worked well under pressure, and going back would be suicide. She wasn’t wrong. I just... felt like I abandoned them. I never saw my squad again after I got separated, and well... I thought maybe I should have gone with them. Didn’t want to leave them behind.”

Those words hit me like a truck. It was too close to what I’d said to him, our first day on Venus. In an emotional fit brought on by my own terrible personal revelation, I told him something about being leaving him behind. I hadn’t understood why he had such a visceral reaction until that moment. I’m not even sure if he made the same connection I did when he repeated the phrase in that moment because he just continued speaking. “I... climbed aboard, because she convinced me again, I guess. That it wasn’t worth charging back into a lost war for some people who were already dead. I still remember she told me that if I threw my life away there, then I would never get the chance to avenge them. Guess I’m still holding out hope for a chance at that.” He gave a grim smile. “Been flying all over the solar system since then. Fighting the good fight with Theseus. Helping out where I can. Trying not to make stupid decisions that’ll get me and my...” he twisted his mouth a little bit, like he found what he was about to say distasteful, then tried again. “So I don’t get me and my comrades killed. S’why I wasn’t sure about you.”

I tilted my head, raising an eyebrow at the sudden jab at me. “W-What do you me-mean?”

“You were a fucking hell of a gamble, Meryll. I don’t mean using you as a core. I understood that was necessary to get us out of a jam. I meant on letting you join the crew. Doc was an obvious choice to bring on board since we needed a new medic and core caretaker, and he was honest from the start why he was no friend to the corps anymore. But you? We literally pulled you out the wreck of a ship we brought down. You had the story of a normal brainwashed corpo civilian, and you have these weird... powers I still don’t entirely get. How was I supposed to trust you to stay with the crew under the circumstances? You were a representative of everything I fought against, and your story was bullshit. I was all on board with the plan of scaring you back into your little hole and letting whatever happened to you happen. Then captain comes right back and suddenly brings you on board for good, not too long after she told us all to keep our distance from you and not get attached.” He threw his arms out to his side, avoiding my gaze and making a frustrated sigh.

“Situation changed.” I shrugged slowly, myself. “S-Sometimes I don’t know what Aisling’s thin...king either, but I’m glad she let me s-stay. I’d be locked in a room some... somewhere, getting experimen...mented on or... used for some military pr-project or something by now if it w-wasn’t for her. I’d... I’d be at Cassandra’s mercy...” I shivered at the thought, holding a hand up to my head in sympathetic pain, the nightmare of her bizarre neurological torture program echoing in my head for a moment. I took in a deep breath and gave a shaky exhale to calm myself. “W-Well... I’ve... b-been here for a w-while. What do you think now?”

Joel grunted quietly, weighing his words before he replied, “I think we got real lucky. I think we found a weird, clunky, but powerful ship core, even if you are green and reckless. Maybe more importantly, we kept you out of the hands of those scumbags. Always fun accidentally stealing some hyper-advanced military tech from my worst enemy.” He let out a small grunt of effort as he pushed himself up off his seat. “But if you’re asking if I trust you... Yeah, I guess I do. You were just as lost as the rest of us and we pulled you out of a shit situation. Even if you didn’t know it. That’s what we do, I guess. So yeah. I don’t hold anything against you. Not anymore. You’re one of us now. Even if you came from Foundation R&D and you got memories growing up in the heart of the corpo hive. And even if you can be a real smartass sometimes.” He shook his head, a slight smile peeking through. “Your story still sounds like bullshit, but I guess we’re just that deep in the bullshit now.”

“Guess so.” I tried to smile back. The story was a good distraction, and I felt like I understood Joel a little better than I did before, but it didn’t help me forget what I’d done. I think nothing could have done that for very long. I glanced at the floor, my smile disappearing quickly. The story had given me my nerve back, though. “J-Joel?” He made a noise to let him know I had his attention, looking down at me from his standing position. I swallowed hard, tears forming in my eyes as my hands gripped hard at the bottom of my shirt. I forced myself to ask him, “What was it like... the first time you ki...killed someone?”

He gave another quiet grunt, followed by a sigh and a resigned noise before he spoke up “That... would be a different story. A... much less pleasant one,” he spoke quietly, “Why you coming to me about all this, anyway? I’m not the best shoulder to cry on. I know Ray’s out of commission, but the captain’s better with these things.”

I nodded slowly. “Yeah. She was-ss trying to talk to me about it. I couldn’t... I j-just couldn’t.” I sniffled. “I needed to... jus-just needed someone t-to talk to about someth-some... s-someth...” I screwed my eyes shut, briefly wondering if I should just try synthesizing it through the intercom speaker. This conversation was going on too long. The word made sense in my head, but when I tried to think of how to make my mouth move the way it needed to, everything froze up and jerked my words elsewhere. The neural pathway between the word and my mouth’s muscle memory made no sense. I gave a frustrated grunt and let out a breath to release tension, slowing down and enunciating each word more carefully. “I just nee-needed someone to talk... to about s-something else.” I could almost hold it together if I really concentrated on it and took it slow. Opening my eyes, I saw Joel staring down at me with something between pity and amusement, smiling openly at me. I glanced down at the floor. “Sh-Shut up.”

He shook his head and turned to walk away before he commented quietly, “It’s cute.”

“Shut up!” I repeated as I raised my voice at him, my face probably getting a little red at the strangest compliment I never expected to get from Joel of all places.

He didn’t even turn around, casually waving back at me as he stepped out into the cargo bay. “Go talk to Captain. She’s probably waiting for you.”

I pouted quietly, staring at the floor by myself for a few minutes until the embarrassment passed and I was once more left to my melancholic thoughts about my nameless, faceless victim. Or attacker, I supposed. They hadn’t been innocent.

That didn’t make me feel any better.

I sighed and forced myself to stand up, bolstered by the momentary distraction of an ally’s history. To the helm, then.