Theseus

I was getting decent at ignoring the pings. I didn’t know what was happening outside of my module at all. I refused to close my eyes to look, as if even momentarily peeking into reality might break my concentration and make me forget some crucial detail that I was about to touch that would jar everything back into place. Something that would somehow end this nightmare of missing detail.

But there was nothing. My childhood. I knew that I’d had it. I had a rough idea of what happened, how I was raised, but I couldn’t imagine a conversation. A song. A comforting gesture. A birthday party. I knew I’d learned to code early on from my parents, but I couldn’t imagine actually sitting with them, looking at a terminal. I couldn’t even imagine their faces. Their names. It had seemed like such unimportant information that I’d always overlooked it when I thought of them before now. Were my parents even real people? I mean, I had to be born to someone, right?

My imagination started to run wild. What if I didn’t have parents. What if I was a clone. A ship core that by some fluke of nature was born with a fully cognizant mind, and this constructed set of memories was all just to smuggle me through the ferry system. Arthausen Syndrome barely existed on the networks. Could it just be an excuse used to transport someone like me through the colonies? Was it even a real medical condition at all? That would have to mean that Foundation was behind this. If so, then why put me on public transit at all? They could have just packed me in with their military matériel. Were they looking for me? Was I already on their radar as a valuable piece of machinery? Would they take note of my absence from the crashed ferry when they came to retrieve it? Were they hunting me already? Would the fact that my records were accessed tip them off?

I took a deep breath. This was all too much. But what could I do about it? The implications of this discovery were overwhelmingly horrifying, but I was already probably in the safest place that I possibly could be. This didn’t change anything about my life going forward. I still wanted to be Theseus. I still wanted to fly the stars with Aisling’s crew. I still wanted to do my part fucking over corporate interests, if not even more so now.

Reluctantly, I closed my eyes, seeing the cascade of pings I’d been ignoring. Nothing at an emergency level, thankfully, but still, I’d apparently been unresponsive for almost an hour. It was starting to turn dark outside of the ship. I chose to overlook Doc’s pings for now. I knew he was just the messenger, but I was scared to talk to him at the moment. Instead I turned to Aisling, seeing that she’d pinged me at the navigation terminal ‘Sorry.’ Was all I sent, and waited for her to notice.

She looked at it and sat down “I know you’re going through some shit right now, but that doesn’t mean you’re allowed to go AWOL on me.” She scolded gently.

‘I know. Sorry. I’ll try not to let my personal issues get in the way of the job.’ Maybe it was best if I just put my feelings aside entirely. Be the machine I very well could have been created to be. Be Theseus rather than Meryll.

“Whoa, easy.” She said in a calm tone “If you got issues, you got issues. Long as you show up for emergencies, you’re allowed to say you’re not fit for duty at the moment and go have a cry or whatever you need to do. You just gotta let us know. Not like you put us off schedule or anything, I was just worried about you.”

I sniffed and made a small smile. Best boss I ever had. The thought that she was perhaps the only boss I’d ever had crossed my mind, but I tried to ignore the thought. ‘I take it Doc told you what happened?’ I asked.

“Well yeah, when you stop responding, my first instinct is to go to the core. Quite a pandora’s box he opened, huh?” she gave a somber look up toward the sensor array above her.

I nodded ‘Yeah… I’m still not exactly sure what it all means. I don’t know if I ever will. You know I could have a target on me, right?’

“Meryll, we’ve all got targets on us. If there’s someone after you, you’ll fit in better than ever on this ship. Half us got someone after us to study what we are, the other half got people after us for what we did, some are both. We don’t stick together, we’re all fucked. You’re not making things here any worse than we already had it.” She spoke as if I was just blowing this all out of proportion. Was I? It certainly felt like everything was gradually falling apart around me. But maybe this was like pulling off a bandage. It had to happen, and it’s better that I know now. Sure it only made more questions than answers, but it was progress. And this path of discovery couldn’t be tragedy after tragedy forever. At a certain point, I would get answers, and then I suppose I would keep going in my new life. The life I’d chosen. The life that I was able to choose. I had to keep telling myself that.

‘Thanks captain.’ I started ‘What did you need me for earlier anyway?’

“You can close your cargo door. Ray’s not coming back till morning.” She leaned back in her chair, relaxing herself slightly. Seems we would be taking a break after all “It’s a tribal thing. They do this whole ceremony when a warrior visits.”

‘Okay, I heard that woman you met with call her that too. Some kind of title?’ I had to ask, the more I heard about Earth tribals, the stranger they seemed to me.

“Warrior’s what they call folks like Ray that leave the village and ahh… well, they’re adventurers I guess. The kind of people that have the guts to go out into Earth’s wilderness and search out old world cities, chase down bad guys, and live outside the comfort of more organized places like this.” She explained, seeming to have a bit of a reverent tone toward the vagrant lifestyle she was describing. “They’re not welcome to settle in anywhere among the villages until they retire, but they are wildly celebrated when they show up for a visit.”

‘Almost sounds like us.’ I mused.

She seemed to think about it for a moment “I guess. Except tribals are deeply untrustworthy of anyone that comes from other worlds. I’m sure you’ve noticed all those tattoos on Ray’s body? They got a special technique for applying those, and they got some deeper meaning to each of them. Something about the way they do it that lets them spot a faker too. Ray’s are authentic, so that’s her passport to get into places like this. They’re probably throwing a hell of a party with her. That’s how it works. Warriors show up, hear peoples’ troubles, listen in on rumors, get some good food, drink, and company. Then the next day, they leave back on their journey with a fresh batch of intel on where to go next and maybe some supplies if the village has them to spare.”

‘And they trust her even though she came from space with us?’ I was beginning to become fascinated by Earth culture. And it was a good distraction from the horrible revelation that still hung over me.

“Warriors go where the wind takes ‘em. If that’s with a crew to other worlds, they don’t have a problem with that. They only care that they’re from here, and they follow their traditions.” Aisling leaned back in her chair “Ask me, it’s more than a little close-minded, but a lot of Earthlings are like that. Most of the time, it works for them and it works for us, even if they can be real rude at times.”

‘Wonder if I would’ve been happier if I was born on Earth.’ I mused. A simpler life without all the corporate bullshit I’d always had to deal with. Or at least that I thought I’d always had to deal with. Reacting to and celebrating the whims of nature and wanderers. It certainly sounded nice on the surface.

“Maybe.” Aisling seemed to take a moment to think on it herself “I’d definitely end up being a warrior if I was a tribal. Think you would too. You got more guts than sense. And I mean that as a compliment.”

I really didn’t see myself as ‘having guts’. I’d been afraid to take risks my whole life. I paused on that thought. Had I? What if me being a cautious person had just been another false memory. It was hard to think of a specific moment that encapsulated that safe persona I’d supposedly had. Every memory I had since they started to become clearer painted me more as a curious and reckless thrill-seeker who couldn’t get enough of trying new things for the sake of seeing what would happen. Maybe I did have guts.

‘This whole my entire life could be a lie thing is really starting to make me wonder who I am.’ I sent her, trying not to freak out as I broached the subject again ‘Like, I have memories of being a way different person than I obviously am now. Everything I know about myself is telling me that I would be freaking the fuck out about this whole joining up with pirates business. But after the initial shock, it’s really not that disturbing to me.’

“We try not to be disturbing people. Least not to the rest of the crew, and certain people we can trust. And you got in on that deal before we really got to know you on account of the fact that we had to trust you or we were stranded.” She smiled up at the sensor array “I think it ended up as a pretty sweet deal for us. You’re good people. If you weren’t my ship, I’d trust you by my side in a firefight.”

I tried to imagine myself holding a gun, standing with the captain against someone else in the distance, and all I could think of was getting grievously wounded and not being able to hold my ground. ‘I’ll stick with aerial support, thanks. I’ll leave the sharpshooter heroics to you.’

She laughed “Suit yourself. More glory for the rest of us. I’m gonna turn in early. You don’t need to sleep when you’re in there, right? How about you practice your voice a little more. Maybe tomorrow you can talk to us properly. Y’know, without blowing our eardrums out with microphone feedback. And try not to worry about your past too much. You are who you are now, after all. Maybe our pasts shape us, but right here, in this moment, you’re just you as you are. You’ll figure it out.” Her smile felt reassuring. She had a way of making it seem like anything was possible.

Best boss ever, I thought to myself again.