Theseus

Sitting, staring at the paused raw footage of a ship model I had never seen before, my thoughts began to wander. Which was a good thing. That meant I didn't feel an obsessive obligation to spend every waking moment staring down my sin anymore. It was beginning to feel... definitely not completely better, but less intrusive. It would still be a long time before I could see the carnage of something that was once alive without feeling a strong pang of sad discomfort. But it wasn't consuming me anymore, for now. I'd been watching the scene over and over for the last hour, and I noticed my demeanor change over time. At first, the moments of my shells impacting its hull felt frightening, especially remembering what Aisling had called a 'battle high'. It was a moment of cathartic focus that made me genuinely feel good at the peak of combat, especially when I was winning. A result of adrenaline in the face of death when one knows they can fight back. Apparently that was normal, and something I would learn to control the more I had to face it, but it still frightened me. While I was taking a life, I felt what I could almost describe as joy, and even though I'd been told that it was a natural biological process and not some kind of psychotic feature I'd developed, it still felt like I was a messed up person for feeling it. Like I was someone I didn't recognize, who I couldn't believe was me.

Over time, that disgust and sadness gave way to analysis. I began to watch more carefully, examining the new ships and appreciating the sleek design and curious shape of the visible parts of their engines. I couldn't determine how they got them to move so quickly. Whatever new technology they employed was surely secured on the inside of the ship, but I could still log the information I could get for later, in case I had to deal with them again. There weren't ships like this in the training simulator, after all, so I wouldn't find more info beyond what I'd gathered in my personal experience facing them. I surely wouldn't be able to find documentation about them, and I certainly wouldn't be able to get a new simulator with data about them. I examined the hell out of my own maneuvers as well, trying to take in the mistakes that Mouse had pointed out. I'd made all my turns as a singular motion, but he was right, I could have eased the effect on the artificial gravity generators without sacrificing combat potential if I'd slowed into the end of my turns. That probably would have taxed the reactor a little bit more because I'd have to make use of my directional thrusters as brakes, but I think I would have gladly pushed myself for the sake of Ray's safety, if I'd thought of that before-hand. Some dark curiosity in me tried to see if I could spot the corpse being torn from the ship as well. I'm glad that it seemed to have been trapped somewhere inside the machine, though, as I saw no trace of a human shape floating from the wreckage.

Once I'd finished my more analytical examination of the battle and returned to a brief state of more muted emotional distress, I actually became bored. I still didn't feel great, but I'd been looking at the same footage for some time. Perhaps I'd simply acclimated to it. I guess I couldn't just process everything all at once and be done with it. My tears had run dry, and my emotions had run their course for the time being. I had to accept that this was going to be an extensive project. Once I could safely get on a relay again, I'd need to talk with Dr. Yates about it.

I let out a quiet sigh and opened my eyes, letting the last tears that had been blocked behind my eyelids flood down the same paths on my face as their predecessors, staining into the damp linens beneath my neck. At some point, I'd moved to lie down on the bed properly, clutching tight to the blanket I'd been offered and moving out of the mucus-stained circle I'd made at the edge of the bed. And when she returned, Aisling had crawled up next to me, offering the promised bottle of water, which I'd promptly consumed in whole to replenish my reserve of tears. But she'd also stayed in bed with me since then, lying at my side. She couldn't see what I saw in the data stream, of course, so she'd eventually picked up one of the books from the floor next to the bed and began occupying herself while I was deep in my own digital world. But she was still there for me the whole time, silently lying by my side to keep me company.

I frowned at the sight. I wasn't mad at her or anything, far from it, but I didn't know what to make of it. Was this kind of intimacy a lot more casual to her than it was to me, or was I ignoring obvious signs? What the hell, I was already in her bed. I'd already done as much to face what I'd done as I could for the moment, and I already felt about as emotionally drained as I possibly could be. I may as well take my chance.

I leaned over and put a hand on her shoulder to get her attention. She didn't flinch, but she made a curious grunt and turned her head to look at me. Maybe that wasn't the best way to start. "S-Sorry. I didn't mean to surp...surprise you."

Aisling shrugged. At least she didn't seem that bothered by it. "Something up?"

"Just... wanted to t-talk." I smiled a little, trying to avoid her gaze, but repeatedly returning to her eyes anyway. "I thi-think I might have a... t-touch... thing. I dunno." Wait, I was being too indirect again. Had to stick to what I wanted to talk about. "Umm... I was actually just cur...ious about y-you."

She blinked slowly. "Touch... thing? I know you get hypersensitive after coming out of the core module, but you've been out for a while now, so... Is this about the hug?"

Was she being evasive? I hesitated a little, but I couldn't just change the subject back that quickly. "Kinda. I-I mean I just... it was n-nice." I blushed, wondering if she might pick up on the implications of what I'd felt in that moment.

She tilted her head slightly, and then I saw comprehension in her eyes. "Oh, I see. You probably didn't get a lot of contact with people before this whole thing. No wonder you got so affectionate with Ray so quickly."

"N-Noticed that, huh?" I chuckled nervously. "Didn't th-think about it much unt... until just now, either."

She stared at me in silence for another prolonged moment before she asked. "Are you... asking to be hugged again?"

I'm sure my blush deepened at that question, but I needed to get this back on track now or I'd just end up getting emotional again. "I w-was actually tryi...ing to a-ask about... umm... it's ab-about what you're comfor...comfortable with..."

She went back to staring, neutral incomprehension on her face. "I'm not uncomfortable holding you, if that's what you mean." She offered gently, finally setting her book facedown on the bed next to her.

I pursed my lips. Wait a second. I knew the captain's supernatural social skills wouldn't actually allow her to miss the hints I was dropping here entirely. She was playing dumb. She was hoping I would get uncomfortable and let it go, wasn't she? The captain just didn't want to talk about herself. She never talked about herself. If I was actually going to get an answer here, I was going to have to be way too direct.

I took in a deep breath and my face went red as I bellowed out, a little louder than I meant to, "Aisling, are y-you a lesbian?"

Her eyes widened a little, but she remained composed somehow. Had I actually surprised her with that question? "Oh." She finally murmured after a moment. It was more of a tone of pleasant surprise than of outrage. "Is that all? Okay." Her shoulders loosened up, like she was letting her guard down. Was she protecting herself against a different question she expected me to ask, maybe? "It's a little complicated, though." She closed her eyes, turning to lie on her back.

I smiled a little, glad to see her finally trusting me with something about herself, and that my sudden awkward cry hadn't made her button up or judge me. "I'm... p-pretty complicated mys...self." I gave a nervous chuckle.

She nodded, but stayed silent again for a bit, contemplating something in her own head. "I kinda figured this might come up eventually. If I talk about this, though, you have to accept the answer I give you at face value, okay? You don't get to delve into the why or how of it. And you don't go talking about it with anyone else, not even the crew. Agreed?"

I froze up at that. I'd been sworn to secrecy by a few of the others that have told me their stories, but there had been a silent implication that they were things that the rest of the crew had already learned about. Was this a detail she hadn't even shared with them? "I... okay." I murmured with a gentle nod, not sure what kind of information I was about to receive.

And then she just said it flat out, "I don't have a sex drive."

I blinked a few times. I was unsure what exactly she even meant or why it was so scandalous that I had to be sworn to secrecy. It felt like such an awkward way to phrase it. "So... you're ase... asexual? There's n-nothing wrong with that." I was admittedly a little disappointed, but I was just as ready to hear she was straight, so it wasn't really a tremendous blow.

She shook her head and made a quiet negative noise. "Asexuals often have at least a sense of libido. Sexual urges, if not attractions. And they usually have to explore things before they discover that about themselves. I literally can't and don't care to feel anything, physically or emotionally, related to sexuality."

Oh. That was a little stranger than I'd originally thought. "So... you don't e-even..."

She shook her head again. "I mean, I've tried masturbating out of curiosity. Nothing. Never had an orgasm. May as well be nothing down there at all, honestly. Don't feel like I'm missing out, though. Just doesn't feel like something I need." She smiled and gave a quick grunt of laughter. "So nah, not really interested in 'captaining my ship'. Sorry."

Terrible euphemism aside, that was a pretty good, if very mysterious, excuse. "Huh..." was all I said for a moment, turning to look up at the ceiling beside her, myself. "So it's just al-always been like th- like that?"

She gave an affirmative hum as she nodded. "I've had to seduce people before. It's a useful social skill. But it's gotta end before the bedroom, cause there's no possible way I'd be able to fake sex completely."

I gave a quick chirp of laughter, then muttered, "S'not that h-hard to fake an or...gasm." I suppose it was hard to say if my experience was valid, considering it was a vague recollection of a simulated event, but I didn't remember it being particularly difficult to fool a guy before I figured out I didn't like men inside of me.

"It's way harder to fake sex entirely." Aisling chimed back in. I could see her smirk out of the corner of my eye. "It's very boring."

I gave an amused, curious huff of air. I couldn't help but at least try to pry a little deeper. "So i-is it like, gene... genetic, or some...thing?"

"Ah. You promised." She tutted, holding up a finger toward me.

Damn. I guess that was the end of that conversation then. But if she didn't want me to know, that must have meant it was something important. What a peculiar person the captain of Theseus was. She played everything she was so tight to her chest. I couldn't help but wonder what she was trying so hard to hide from everyone. But I trusted her reasons to be more personal than malicious, so I did as she asked and I dropped it. I was a little disappointed about it in one way, but in another, I felt relieved that the question was off the table. Knowing that I had no chance with her made our relationship a lot clearer.

"Thanks, b... by the way." I started to steer the conversation away from her odd condition, and I could see a shift of relief in Aisling's demeanor.

"For what? Shutting down your hopes for distraction sex?" She chuckled, turning to look at me again.

"For h-helping me... sort things ou-out. With m... my first... kill." It still felt awkward to say it, and it did send a pang of guilt through my heart. But thanks to her, I could manage it. I lowered my voice for my next admission. "I d-don't know what, but I fee-feel like I m-might've been about to do someth... something dr...astic if you didn't come b-by when you- when you did out in the hall."

She nodded solemnly. "No problem. I look after my ship and my crew, and you're both. I'm glad you're feeling better. You ever need to talk about it, I'm here. Can't speak for her, but Ray's probably gonna say the same when she wakes up. Hell, she's better at this stuff than me. She can do a lot more for you than I can, if you catch my drift." She smirked knowingly as a blush found its way across my face again. I couldn't help but let out another awkward laugh at that. I guess that answered the question about my other prospect. That would have to wait for a while, though. I still felt guilty over complicating her surgery.

We returned to silence for a bit, but I felt almost content now. Maybe a little curious about the captain's evasive nature, but I almost felt happy. "Hey Aisling?" I asked quietly, eliciting another hum from her. "C-Can I still get that hug?"

She laughed. "Sure."