NOVEL WEB Chapter 9: The Luckiest Man
"She's beautiful," Azuma whistled, staring at the building in front of him.
"Why's it a 'she'?" Aphrodite asked blandly next to him.
"Well, I'm not gay, so I wouldn't wanna be inside a guy, y'know?" Azuma answered as if it was obvious, staring appreciatively at the resort.
Honestly, it was even better than he had hoped for. The building towered above the forest around him, sticking up far above the tree line as it was multiple stories tall. It was massive - as in, very massive. It was easily the largest building in all of Kuoh.
Is this how those Casino owners feel when they put a fuck-all big-ass casino in the middle of a residential area?
"The pioneers would be proud," Azuma nodded sagely, "It's not often that you get to live like a true settler."
"...This is being a pioneer?" Aphrodite asked doubtfully.
"Yup. Tearing down the natural landscape and building over it, thus ruining the ecosystem and causing countless species to go extinct, is a bliss that few get to experience," Azuma explained profoundly, "And, to do it with your bare hands… ah, this is the life."
"Didn't you hire workers to do it?" Aphrodite asked.
"Yup, but I made the money I used with my bare hands, didn't I?" Azuma countered.
"Wasn't it Ravel's money?" Aphrodite asked again.
"Yup, but I used my bare hands to click 'Ravel Phenex' during the tutorial, didn't I?" Azuma replied smugly.
"Oh! That's true! Good work, Azuma!" Aphrodite golf clapped.
The building was also long, extending hundreds of feet towards the city. It needed to be huge to include all the amenities, after all.
"Let's see the inside," Azuma spoke, walking forward as the automatic door in the front opened from his movement. On the inside was a large lobby fit with a desk and… that was it.
"Does it really need to be this big?" Aphrodite asked doubtfully, actually using her brain for once as she glanced around the massive empty lobby room.
"Yup, we gotta have room for stuff," Azuma explained, waving his hand out and gesturing around the room lazily, "This is the first place visitors will see, so it needs to look nice. We'll have a bunch of couches and chairs, a pool table, seventy-two plasma screen TV's playing every sports game, a hot tub, a mini-golf course, a-"
"Did you say seventy-two TV's?" Aphrodite interrupted.
"Too little? I'll make it eighty," Azuma nodded, turning to Ivy, who was temporarily sitting behind the sole desk in the room, "Ivy, next time you see Ravel tell her to increase it to eighty. Oh, and add two mini-golf courses to the lobby. By the way, you're doing a great job."
"T-Thanks?" Ivy responded, nodding at his words, "I'm just, um… sitting here."
"Yup, but you're a great model," Azuma replied easily, "I need to carefully judge how sexy the lobby attendant can be. If she's not sexy enough, then she won't attract a lot of male customers. If she's too sexy, then she'll scare away the female customers. It had to be a perfect balance."
The resort needed to attract as many people as possible - ranging from horndog men to entire families.
"Ah, good plan, Azuma! That makes perfect sense!" Aphrodite nodded, putting her finger on her chin as she mimicked him and nodded sagely.
"It does?" Ivy asked blandly.
"I was originally going to make Aph run the lobby, since she's useless at everything else," Azuma started, ignoring Aphrodite's indignant squeak, "But she's wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too sexy!"
"Hmmph, I am the Goddess of Love," Aphrodite puffed out her chest proudly, getting over Azuma's previous insult instantly.
"It's really impressive how she can be bad at everything. The one job she would've been useful for, and she's too sexy?" Azuma continued, ignoring Aphrodite again as she deflated, "Ravel's too useful to be stuck working here, so I need to find a good unit to do it. Which isn't you - you're also too sexy."
"Oh, thank you! Or, um, sorry?" Ivy answered, confused about if she should focus on the compliment or apologize for not being useful.
"It's fine. You're a 'super sexy' dryad, not just a 'sexy' one, so I'll just summon some only 'sexy' ones," Azuma explained. His logic made no sense to Ivy, but she didn't question it, "I'll have them all work here. We need a bunch of waitresses for all the bars and restaurants, as well as some sexy lifeguards for the pools, and some pilots for the skydiving - oh, and some sexy referees for the basketball courts!"
"That's a lot of stuff," Aphrodite muttered, swirls filling her eyes as she couldn't process all the information.
"Nah, that's only the first floor. I've still got another ten to plan out," Azuma countered, "Ten should be enough for now, but we'll have to expand more in the future."
"T-The first floor? This all sounds really expensive, Azuma…" Aphrodite trailed off, firing off all of her few - very few - brain cells as she thought about the price, "Kuoh's a pretty big city, but it's not that big."
"You're right," Azuma nodded, then stopped as he blinked, "You're right? Is this a first? Is this the first time you've ever been right?"
"I-I'm right a lot of the time!" Aphrodite whined, but he ignored her and continued.
"But this place doesn't need to be profitable," Azuma explained, "Not in Yen, at least. We have an infinite money generator known as the Phenex Clan to fund it, so losing money isn't a problem. What we're really after is the points that come from customers."
The resort plan was simple - since the exchange rate from Yen to points was terrible, the Yen could more effectively be transferred into points through the 'prisoner' system. Despite the resort's final cost being in the literal trillions of Yen, that same amount of Yen converted directly to points would only be a couple of thousand.
However, that terrible exchange rate was actually helpful in the overall efficiency of the resort. Since it was so terrible, no matter how big the resort was, or how many funds were poured into it, it would still be more profitable than converting the Yen to points.
And so, this wasn't meant to be just any resort. It was going to be a 'super resort' - a resort not just appealing to all the residents of Kuoh, but also to the entire supernatural world, and the world in general.
It was what Azuma viewed as the equivalent of something like a 'Disney Resort' - except for food. He'd utilize the Talac Berry, along with other foods that could only be found in the Dungeon Realm, to create a brand around the resort. Customers would come for the food, and stay for the insane amount of amenities.
Put simply, it was a resort that was too good to be true. It didn't need to be profitable, as it had a funder that would never run low on cash, so it would be extremely cheap. In fact, it could've even been entirely free, but Azuma still needed to keep some kind of face of it being a legitimate business.
An extremely cheap resort, filled with amenities fit for billionaires, and with food that couldn't be found anywhere else in the world.
"If we put enough shit here, then people will travel here just to experience the resort," Azuma finished, "We're not just appealing to Kuoh - we're going global."
"Wow… global…" Aphrodite breathed out, her eyes filled with stars as she listened to his words. Then, she blinked rapidly, her small number of neurons firing off again, "B-But, do you have enough money for all this? Won't the Phenex Clan notice if you use so much?"
"I thought so too, but that's not the case," Azuma chuckled, "Devil money runs deep. Really deep."
That had also been a major concern for Azuma, as he knew the Phenex Clan was rich, but he didn't think he could do something this extreme without them finding out. However, Ravel had quelled those concerns for him.
The Phenex Clan were rich - really rich. Most devil clans were rich, as they were literal noble devil clans that were hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of years old. And, among them all? The Phenex Clan stood on top in regard to pure wealth.
The Phenex Tears were a huge market, as they could heal literally any injury. For devil clans, who had experienced both the Great War and the Civil War, having a stockpile was necessary. Since the Phenex Clan was the only family who could produce them, as they were made through the Phenex family bloodline magic, they had a monopoly over the market.
Luckily, the underworld and devil society wasn't run like human countries were. There was no regulation on the monopoly, and the Phenex Clan was constantly racking in mountains of gold by selling the tears at extreme prices - prices which noble clans were more than willing to pay for a literal life-saving medicine. Dying was extra scary when there was no heaven to go to, and when you were missing out on thousands of years of life instead of just a few decades.
"The cost of this resort is like pennies to them," Azuma hummed, waving lazily at the massive lobby they were standing in, "They could buy the entirety of Japan if they wanted to. Literally - like, they could buy every house, building, car, business - everything. Hell, they could pay double the market price, and still have cash left over."
"Oh…" Aphrodite hummed, "They're rich rich."
"They are," Azuma nodded sagely, "And Ravel has direct access to all those riches. Even if the funds for the resort were large enough for someone at the Phenex Clan to take notice, Ravel is smart enough not to get caught."
Ravel being a genius was a great help - she was careful enough to slowly take out the funds, never taking out a large enough portion to raise suspicion. Even if one of her parents did notice, they wouldn't be overly concerned about it. It wasn't odd for devil children of noble families to take out extravagant amounts of money for 'fun.'
If I had infinite money, I'd be throwing huge parties too.
Azuma blinked at his own thoughts.
Wait, I do have infinite money. I need to start throwing some parties.
Azuma pushed his thoughts aside, speaking again, "But… there still is one problem. A huge problem that even money can't solve."
"A-A huge problem?" Aphrodite asked dramatically, her face turning serious, "What is it?!"
"We need a name," Azuma replied bluntly, "I have no idea what the fuck to name the resort."
"Hmm… that is a huge problem…" Aphrodite nodded sagely, "If we don't have a good name, then all of this was for nothing! You might as well just tear down the whole resort!"
"Exactly!" Azuma agreed, his face twisted in worry, "I need to think of a good one…"
Meanwhile, Ivy stared dryly at the Dungeon Master and Goddess duo as they dramatically fretted over the resort's name.
Is my Master an idiot?
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Aph?"
"Yes?"
"How do I gain CHA?" Azuma asked casually, staring at his CHA stat. It had yet to change throughout his entire time in this world.
It wasn't a huge priority, but that meeting with Rias and Sona made me want to increase it.
He had assumed that he'd find some way to increase the stat naturally just through having conversations, but that had yet to happen.
"I dunno," Aphrodite replied simply, shaking her head at him.
Yup, as expected.
"What about LUK? How do I increase that?" Azuma asked, raising an eyebrow at her. It had been another stat that wasn't an immediate priority, as it likely wouldn't be essential in ensuring he didn't die early-game like the physical stats were.
It'll still be helpful though - this is a game after all.
"Hmm… I don't know!" Aphrodite replied eloquently again after thinking for a moment.
To the surprise of… no one.
"What do you know?" Azuma shot back blandly.
Aphrodite frowned, tilting her head cutely as she thought for a few seconds, "...I don't know?"
"You don't even know what you know?" Azuma deadpanned.
In response, Aphrodite's face squished in confusion as she didn't understand what he meant, "...I don't know?"
"Well, at least you know what you don't know," Azuma sighed, turning around and walking toward the computer in the corner of the room.
"...I don't know?" Aphrodite muttered again like a broken record behind him. She seemed to think for another minute, her brain trying desperately to understand what Azuma meant.
That wasn't a question!
"I don't… know…" She muttered again slowly. Then, she promptly turned back to the TV, having used all her brain power for the day.
"Have you tried rolling dice or something else that involves luck, master?" Ravel supplied helpfully, and Azuma blinked.
"Nope, but that's a good idea," He nodded.
"I-I'll go get some dice right away, Master!" Ravel said hurriedly, excited to be able to help.
"No need," Azuma shot her down, sitting down in front of the computer, "We have technology for stuff like this."
Azuma turned on the computer, quickly pulling up a virtual coin flip.
This involves luck, so maybe just flipping a coin will give me some progress?
Azuma clicked the flip button, watching the virtual coin flip in the air and then land on heads.
…
"Welp, that didn't work," Azuma deadpanned.
"Maybe you need to guess the result correctly, Master?" Ravel supplied helpfully, her cute face frowning as she tried to help.
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," Azuma shot her down bluntly.
"S-Sorry!"
But I'll try it anyway.
"Heads," Azuma said, clicking the flip button again. The virtual coin flipped, landing on heads again.
[Coin Flip] training started!
[1/10] Until Milestone!
Azuma blinked, staring blandly at the text.
That was all it took?
"Ravel?"
"Yes, Master?"
"That was the smartest idea I've ever heard. You're a genius, and I love you," Azuma said, nodding proudly at her.
"W-What?!" Ravel's face flushed a deep red, her eyes going wide, "T-This is all happening so fast… I'll call a wedding planner right away! Oh, I need to find groomsmaids! Aphrodite, can you be-"
"We're not getting married. I was just seeing if that gave me CHA," Azuma interrupted her harshly, his fingers typing rapidly on the keyboard as he pulled up more coin-flip tabs.
"..." Ravel's expression fell, the girl staring down at the floor blankly with shadows covering her eyes as if her whole world had been shattered.
Alright, that was mean. I need to give her something.
"...We're not getting married yet," Azuma continued, and in an instant Ravel's face lit up like the sun, stars in her eyes.
"O-Of course! You haven't even met my parents yet! O-Or my brothers, or my dog, or my cat…" Azuma ignored her as Ravel continued to stutter out all the reasons they couldn't get married yet.
"What are you doing?" Aphrodite asked, the busty goddess casually floating over and sitting on top of the computer monitor, her feet swinging in front of the screen.
That can't be comfortable.
Azuma thought idly, watching as Aphrodite sat on the thin top of the monitor.
But, I guess when your ass is as thick as a couch cushion anywhere is comfortable.
"It's called a 'macro' Azuma explained as he started automating the coin flip process.
"Oh! Like mac and cheese!" Aphrodite nodded smugly, proud of herself for understanding him for once, "I love mac and cheese!"
"Yeah… just like that," Azuma replied dryly, then explained further, "A macro just repeats the same inputs over and over."
…
Aphrodite stared at him blankly, her proud smile still on her face as his words went through one ear and out the other.
"I won't have to click the flip button every time," Azuma simplified, "I have this virtual coin-flipping website open multiple times. The macro will go through them all, start the coin flip, and then go back to the first one and start again. If I optimize the timing, then the first coin will finish flipping right when the final one starts flipping, so I'll be getting a progress point roughly every second."
"...smart…" Was all Aphrodite could reply with, giving him a thumbs up with a blank look on her face.
She didn't understand any of that.
"It's a temporary solution," Azuma continued, though he was silently wondering why he was even trying to continue and explain his plan to the airheaded goddess, "To optimize it even further, I'll create a simulator to simulate a shit ton of coin flips at the same time. I hope this stat actually does something because I'm going to have a fuck ton of it soon."
"Oooh, good idea, Master!" Ravel cheered, finally reentering the conversation as she quit lamenting on why they couldn't get married yet, "This is why you're the best!"
"No, this is actually why I'm the worst," Azuma deadpanned, "Because I'm lazy as fuck. Instead of spending the time to make the simulator now, I'm going to sit here using this subpar method until I get bored and then go to bed instead of training."
Aphrodite blinked at his words, "Oh, yeah! You haven't summoned any training units yet!"
"Nope," Azuma confirmed simply.
"Why not?"
"I'm lazy and don't wanna train," Azuma replied bluntly, putting the finishing touches on the macro. In the mind of the world's laziest Dungeon Master, actually training seemed like a daunting task after spending so long merely shaking his fist in the air and farming STR.
"Heads. Heads. Heads. Heads," Azuma started repeating, tapping the key to start the macro, which started the coin flips. In return, the progress started rolling in.
[2/10] Until Milestone!
[3/10] Until Milestone!
[4/10] Until Milestone!
[5/10] Until Milestone!
[6/10] Until Milestone!
[7/10] Until Milestone!
"It'll only take a few minutes to look through the training units and summon one, Master," Ravel supplied helpfully.
"Heads. Yeah, I'll do it - heads - eventually when I feel - heads - like it," Azuma answered, staring at the progress as it continued to rise, "If I actually - heads - was efficient and - heads - exploited the mechanics - heads - and the loopholes to their - heads - maximum limit - heads - then I would be - heads - the best Dungeon Master - heads - and not the - heads - worst one."
"Do you have to be the worst one, Master?" Ravel asked questioningly, tilting her head cutely at him.
"Heads. Of course," Azuma answered as if it was obvious.
Ravel's usually really smart, but that was a stupid question.
"Why?" Ravel asked again, looking curiously at him.
"Heads. That's obvious, it's because…" Azuma trailed off, breaking his 'heads' chant as he stared blankly at the screen.
…Why do I have to be the worst?
In a different universe, this line of thought would change Azuma's life. He would become a good person, treating his units kindly and training his body to the brink of death to become stronger. He would become ultra-efficient - skipping out on sleep to farm extra stats. He would watch motivational videos on repeat, constantly improving himself until his countless hours of hard work paid off.
But, that was a different universe.
Azuma shrugged, "I dunno. There's probably a reason though."
In this universe, the Worst Dungeon Master would be as lazy as possible, doing the bare minimum needed in order to bring his dungeon to the top. In this universe, future generations would balk as they read the story of the god-like being known as 'Azuma Kaito,' who did jack shit and somehow ended up on the top of the food chain by abusing a system that was never meant for human hands.
And so, Azuma spent the next ten hours watching TV as he chanted a single word.
"Heads… heads… heads… heads… heads…"
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"It's… finally… finished…" Azuma sighed, his eyelids barely staying open as he stared at the computer screen.
"This is what I get for not being a lazy bitch. Pain. Nothing but pain," Azuma groaned, his brain hurting after spending countless hours creating a coin-flipping simulator.
I should've taken a coding class or somethin'.
Azuma never thought he would truly regret ignoring his high school teacher's advice to take a coding class. He mostly ignored him because the man was a little too enthusiastic, ranting about how technology was the future constantly.
He was right…
Azuma had spent the entire day, as well as a large portion of the previous day, watching tutorials on the devilnet on how to code. Unfortunately for him, the computer Ravel had given him couldn't connect to the human internet without a router, and even more unfortunately, Azuma was too lazy to set one up.
So, he had been watching tutorials on the devilnet. Let it be known, devils sucked at using human technology.
Azuma didn't know if it was because most of them were old as fuck, like literally hundreds of years old, or if they were just too reliant on magic and didn't bother with human technology. Most of the tutorials looked like they were being filmed on computers from the '90s and had ear-breakingly terrible microphone quality.
"It was long. It was hard. It was possibly the worst experience of my life," Azuma grinned proudly, staring at the simulator, "But I did it! Now… this should work…"
Azuma hit enter, watching the code activate, "Heads!"
…
Azuma's proud smile dimmed, "I-I must've said it too late or something, right? I-I'll try again! Heads!"
He hit enter.
…
And nothing happened again.
"It… it doesn't work…" Azuma sighed, looking at the messy wall of text that was his make-shift code, "Fuck this. Fuck working hard. I'm never putting any effort into anything ever again!"
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Why didn't I just do this to begin with?" Azuma asked dumbly, staring at the computer screen in front of him. Only a day had passed since his 'coding adventure' that ended in failure, and he now had a fully functioning simulator. It even had a proper page set up, as a spinning quarter graphic was flashing at him above the 'simulate' button.
"Because you didn't want to talk with the 'human npcs' at the store," Ravel answered dryly, "So, I went and bought the router for you."
"Damn, I'm a dick. I would hate me if I wasn't me," Azuma nodded sagely. After Ravel had bought and set up a router that allowed him to use the human internet, Azuma had promptly paid an underpaid Indian worker five dollars to write the code for him.
"I think it's hot…" Ravel trailed off behind him, only adding to Azuma's initial idea that women loved jackasses.
"Alright, let's see if it works. Heads!" Azuma said, pressing down on the 'simulate' button. In an instant, he saw results.
[Coin Flip] training started!
[2,527/10,000] Until Milestone!
[2,528/10,000] Until Milestone!
[2,529/10,000] Until Milestone!
[2,530/10,000] Until Milestone!
[2,531/10,000] Until Milestone!
[2,532/10,000] Until Milestone!
[2,533/10,000] Until Milestone!
[2,534/10,000] Until Milestone!
[2,535/10,000] Until Milestone!
[2,536/10,000] Until Milestone!
[2,537/10,000] Until Milestone!
"Fuck, my eyes!" Azuma groaned, squinting as a huge wall of notifications appeared in front of him, "It's so fucking bright - how many of these are there?"
Wait, I already know the answer to that. I clicked the '10,000' option.
Azuma shook his head, idly swiping his hand through the wall of text and causing it to disappear, "I'll just look at the results."
He changed the simulator to the '1' option, "Heads."
This time only one notification appeared, and Azuma's eyes lit up.
[7,532/10,000] Until Milestone!
"It works," He breathed out, a near maniacal grin appearing on his face. He grabbed the mouse, moving the '1' option over to the '1,000,000' one.
I'm about to get real fuckin' lucky.
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"That's enough for now. I don't think I can handle saying 'heads' anymore…" Azuma groaned, slumping in his chair. After going through all the trouble to get the simulator, he was damn sure going to use it.
And so, Azuma had been sat in the same chair for over ten hours, repeatedly saying the word 'heads' on repeat like a broken record as he spammed the simulator.
But, his monotonous work hadn't been in vain.
This is fuckin' OP as shit.
Azuma quickly swiped open his stats page.
[Azuma Kaito]
[Dungeon Master]
Dungeon Rank: F (24,770 D-Value)
Level: 8 (4,575/5,000)
HP: 6,725/6,725
MP: 13,500/13.500
STR: 127
AGI: 122
END: 90
INT: 140
CHA: 5
LUK: 755
HPREG: 110
MPREG: 110
Abilities: [Time Dilation], [Health Container]
Dungeon Level: 2
Dungeon Boosts: None
Points: 12,770
Who woulda thought that LUK would be my highest stat?
It wasn't even close either - his LUK stat was insane compared to his other ones. By simulating a million coinflips, Azuma would get roughly 500,000 points of progress in return - as half of the coins landed on heads, and the other half on tails.
That 500,000 points of progress was insanely good at the start, as Azuma was gaining 5+ points of LUK every time. Considering it only took about a second to click the button and say 'heads,' the LUK came rolling in quickly.
However, now that he had been farming LUK for the entire day, the coin-flip training required literally hundreds of millions of progress points to reach a milestone. So, the progress had ground to a halt.
Not that I'm complaining. 755 points for clicking a button all day while I watch TV?
In terms of loopholes, this was a step above even the INT-gaining method.
"Now, that's enough work for today," Azuma hummed, even though the 'work' was just watching TV and clicking a button. He stood up from the chair, turning to walk to his bed. Then, he froze as an idea came to him.
…why can't I just be a stupid fucking orc with no thoughts?
He promptly turned back to the computer, lamenting on his working brain as he pulled up a dice-rolling simulator.
"One," Azuma muttered, clicking the roll button. Whether his high LUK played a factor, or if Azuma was just really good at guessing, he didn't know, but the dice landed on one.
[Six-Sided Dice] training started!
[1/10] Until Milestone!
Azuma blinked, staring at the notification.
…Six sided? There's a training for each type of dice?
His fingers slammed into the keyboard again, quickly pulling up a different website.
"Four," He said this time, a bit of excitement leaking into his voice. Once again, his guess was correct.
[Four-Sided Dice] training started!
[1/10] Until Milestone!
This system is so stupid. I get that it was never meant for humans, and that the Dungeon Realm probably doesn't have computers or internet, but still…
Azuma sighed, promptly pulling up Fiverr as he found out what he would be doing for the next few days.
I was always the type of guy to overlevel only my starter Pokemon.
And so, Azuma's quest to become the luckiest man in all of history continued.
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thank you for reading! The next chapter will be out in roughly a week, or you can read ahead on Patreon.com/Koyon !