The Villainess Is An SS+ Rank Adventurer

My first dusk outside my kingdom.

It was so appalling I forgot it even as it happened. 

Despite the unmatched achievement of having survived half a day in this land of oddballs, I saw little of the dipping sun now hailing my success. 

Not because an ominously large mountain was looming overhead. Nor because a thick mist was fashionably billowing around me like my favoured dress as my servants fanned away in the shadows.

No … it was simply because I was busy looking at the ground. 

As was Apple.

Trotting along at his usual, lackadaisical pace, he nonetheless could have defeated any knight’s steed along this patchwork road of soil and broken stones. And the reason was holes.

Large, bottomless holes, scattered where the mist hid it.

Whereas ordinary horses would pull up their hooves at the thought of traversing such a terribly designed landscape, Apple merely offered his snorts and his indifference. 

Navigating the deadly pits with the grace of a methodical cat burglar in the night, he treated each and every obstacle with the contempt it deserved. 

… And what could I do but join him?

“Ohohoho.” I lightly raised a hand to my lips. “Really now? … Is this truly the worst that Ouzelia can do?”

First the pianos. Now the bottomless pits.

Neither impressed me with their originality. And I was even less moved by their effectiveness.

Somewhere above me, Coppelia was efficiently doing away with both issues by avoiding the ground altogether. As the berry fields gave way to dense woodlands, she gracefully skipped from branch to branch, and in doing so demonstrated that this was less a natural talent and more a necessity for survival.

“Hmm … are you sure you want to ask that?”

I paused, my hand falling slightly from my lips.

“You’re right, of course. Such lax traps laid out by our foes are unworthy of even modest laughter.”

“Great! Because these aren’t actually traps.”

“The myriad of bottomless pits covered in mist and pockmarking the road are not traps?”

“Nope. These aren’t pits. They’re deer holes.”

Hmm.

How strange. Even having regularly used my zoology lessons as an opportunity to learn the art of sleeping with my eyelids open, I felt this was not a term covered in any syllabus.

“I’ve never heard such a thing before. What is a deer hole?”

“A deer hole is a hole dug by a deer.”

“Coppelia, deers do not dig … do they?”

“Ours do. It’s hard to run from dragons no matter how fast you are, so our deers learned to dig holes instead. That’s great! It means the big guy’s probably nearby. These look freshly dug.”

I nodded at the good news. And then returned straight to the deer.

“... What do deer do after they’ve dug a bottomless hole? How do they get out?”

“They don’t.” 

“That seems like a remarkable design flaw.”

“Escaping dragons is a step by step process. Not many think past step one. It’s fine, though. Deers can just make sad noises and they’ll eventually get rescued. Nobody can resist helping a deer. Look~” 

She pointed at a pit which I’d most definitely seen. I noted the rope leading down.

And then I let out a shudder, grateful that no dragon chose to make its home in my kingdom. 

If my deers started digging holes everywhere, court politics would be even more anarchic than it already was. I’d have nobility mysteriously falling down conveniently sized holes everyday instead of occasionally down a well. I couldn’t imagine having to pretend to remember so many revolving names. 

“It cannot be good to have your roads constantly littered with holes. How do you navigate this?”

“With shovels. We have neighbourhood watches filling them back up. It’s like a national hobby, with speed records and everything. It’s only in places like these where nobody bothers.” 

“Then perhaps if we’re lucky, the culprit responsible for stealing a dragon will have fallen down one of these pits as a direct consequence.”

“Hmm. I don’t think falling down is enough. It’s super hard to kidnap a dragon. Especially the big guy. Whoever this Bewitching Oracle is, she has to be really powerful. Or maybe just really good with words.”

“To charm a dragon, do you mean?”

“Nah, to stop the Bewitching Postal Service from huffing. Ouzelia’s witches are a bit different to others. Only a few boil toads and stuff. The rest deliver parcels and letters. Anybody who calls themselves the Bewitching Oracle is definitely not in their address book. And that’s rough. They’re super good. I bet if you hire a witch, you could send a letter from Ouzelia to Tirea in less than a day.” 

I hummed in thought.

“Is that so? … I wonder if perhaps I’m overdue to send another letter home. I haven’t written one since Stermondt. My mother and father doubtless wonder if I’m well.” 

“In that case, you should definitely ask the big guy! He gets a heavy discount.”

“I’ll include it in the schedule. I intend to ask your dragon many things, including how best he feels to compensate me for this rescue … not limited, of course, to organising the hours of your flexible working schedule from this point onwards.”

Coppelia’s look of amusement shone through the mist.

“You’ll need to tell me how it goes. I think I’ll be covering my ears when he gives his reply.”

“As long as he doesn’t as well, then that’s fine. You may have secured the matter of a certain mage’s debt and late book to him, but your tasks in my kingdom are unfinished. The Royal Treasury is still waiting to be filled, my quality of life remains hopelessly insecure, and the new dessert menu in the Royal Villa is yet to be reviewed.”

The branch beneath Coppelia shook as she twirled needlessly. Leaves cascaded down into the sea of mist.

“I can judge desserts,” she said regarding the most important thing. “But you know, the big guy is a dragon, and dragons like their contracts. If he’s in a cranky mood, he might not be okay with me professionally slacking, and he’s usually in a cranky mood.” 

“Contracts are nothing more than words upon parchment. And if the sequel of The Ashen Maiden’s Journey can be changed after my direct intervention, then so can any work agreement. Speaking of which, how does he remunerate you for your time?”

Coppelia raised her arms in joy.

“Free snacks on shift, discounts at the gift store, and all the coupons from the newsletters we receive!”

I was aghast.

Why, no wonder she was so enamoured with gold! She’d never seen what it looked like before exiting her library’s walls!

“Coppelia! That … That is unacceptable! How could this so-called employer of yours shamelessly work you to the bone while never once offering you a single coin in acknowledgement?” 

My loyal handmaiden offered a fixed smile, bravely accepting the indignity.

“Mmh~ it’s true. Even when I shake this pouch, I barely hear any clinking.”

She shook her pouch. 

Even lacking her hearing, I had no difficulty discerning the telltale sound of coins happily jostling for room. For a moment, I almost considered asking where it came from if she’d yet to be reimbursed by either a dragon or my treasury.

And then I stopped considering. And all was fine again.

“Rest assured, I as a princess shall adhere to my responsibilities where a dragon fails. Once we reach the Royal Villa, I shall instruct the stewards to ensure you are fully compensated for your time, alongside a premium handmaiden stipend, travel expenses and assorted explosion bonuses.”

“Eh? I get paid for explosions?”

“Of course. Each time you lift me away while the flames lick at my back is a picture worthy of a financial reward both sizable and undefined.”

Coppelia began counting with her fingers. 

After a moment, she also lifted up her foot and calculated while staring at her toes

“Coppelia, I have not been carried away that many times. “ I thought for a moment. “... Indeed, we haven’t!”

“I need to calculate for today as well. There’s a lot of explosions in a dragon’s breath.”

“Really now. If this dragon has fire to breathe, he can use it upon his captors, not his rescuer. Just because I intend to strip him to the last coin until he’s as poor as the day he hatched doesn’t mean he has cause to breathe fire on me. Rest assured, there will be nothing other than overwhelming joy. Gratitude is a currency to be spent in large volumes, and I intend to accept all he has to offer.”

A whistling tune was all I received.

Indeed, Coppelia didn’t need to add anything else. Her faith in my negotiating powers spoke for itself.

“In that case, you might need to accept it with wobbly legs,” she said, eyeing the snow-capped peak. “He’s big, but the mountain is bigger. This looks like a bunch of climbing.”

I smiled at the very notion.

“Ohohoho … climbing, me, how novel.”

“I mean, I don’t think the horse can carry you up this.”

“Nonsense. Apple will surely carry me to the stars if I wish. But neither that nor trotting up a mountain needs to be tested today. Whatever mountain lair exists as your employer’s prison, it’ll doubtless have easy access for henchmen and the deliveries they carry. Otherwise service would just be too slow.” 

I nodded confidently, placing a hand to my chest.

“Indeed, the setting might be different, but a refusal to part with certain necessities is all too common for those who build their secret retreats. Once we’ve arrived at the mountain, I shall immediately locate the entrance. From there, we can proceed to subtly remove whatever shackles bind your dragon. Any subterfuge the captors hope to employ will be used against them.” 

Coppelia let out a thoughtful hum.

“You know, for someone who thinks dragons are their natural enemies, I feel like you’re also a tiny bit nicer when speaking about them too. Just in the tone. Like 2%.”

“Of course. Dragons may be my natural foe, but they are proud and ancient, just like the lines of royalty they abduct. It is a disgrace to imagine such a worthy adversary shackled like a caged beast. I’ve no doubt that if the situation was reversed, a dragon would rescue me from a similarly unfitting position.”

Coppelia nodded.

A moment later, she came to a stop, a hand raised to her brow as she smiled into the distance.

“Hmmmmmm~ but what will happen to the big dragon celebration if we take away the dragon?” 

“Excuse me?” 

She pointed ahead.

I duly narrowed my eyes as a myriad of colours began to break free from the mist at the base of the mountain. Every instinct told me to turn away. 

All I saw was the sign planted by the side of the road, its words failing to be hidden by the mist.

 

OUZELIA WONDER DRAGON FESTIVAL

Available this month only!

Celebrate all things dragons in this family friendly inaugural festival! 

Hosted in partnership with the Bewitching Oracle Friendship Foundation, meet and befriend real dragons in this limited event featuring performances, games, prizes and special guest stars!

(All children must be kept grounded by an adult.)

 

I pursed my lips.

And then, I turned to Coppelia. 

“If I do not see a dragon caged, shackled and in need of rescue, I am going to issue an official diplomatic complaint.”