The Villainess Is An SS+ Rank Adventurer

The sun was already dipping across the horizon.

Worn from its brief reappearance, it painted my kingdom in a warm hue of blooming marigold as it slowly descended. But even if the sun saw fit to retreat for the night, that did not mean those who remained in the shadow of a half-destroyed tower could.

The Royal Institute Of Mages was a hive of activity. 

Sweat and huffing groans filled the air as the local garrison worked with shovels and hands. Stonework and furniture were gathered in an ever growing pile. 

An ungainly monument matched only by the statue of the headmaster who had caused it. 

As he peered past his expertly drawn eyepatch, all that awaited him was the sight of his schemes undone like a ball of yarn tossed to a ravenous litter of kittens. 

The mages he’d entrapped continuously crawled out in their ones and twos from their hiding holes, eyes wincing at the scale of the work needing to be done, and then again as they were pressed for their aid. 

Soon, even the worst of the rubble was being lifted away as easily as a maid plucking the loose socks which didn’t exist in my bedroom. 

Elsewhere, the knights of my kingdom were resplendent beneath the last streams of the evening. They patrolled on white steeds, keeping joyous citizens away while pretending they had always been there and most certainly didn’t bolt faster than their horses just because the tower threatened to rain rubble and death upon their sculpted hair if they hadn’t.

Naturally, I was busy as well.

I was hurriedly feeding Apple all the remaining premium apples in the saddlebag. He snorted in return. 

A sound of delight before the hardship to come. 

Indeed, as much as I enjoyed rewarding my noble steed for his studiousness, this was as much an acknowledgement of what he had done as well as preparation for the trials he would shortly undertake.

For the first time in his life as a draft horse, I would require him to gallop.

Or at least break out into a canter.

Or … Or at least slightly faster than trotting speed … even a little … I wasn’t picky!

Indeed, I had no ability to be. Because against those who could traverse distances in the blink of an eye, anything was faster than what my own two legs could accomplish. Especially since I never ran. 

But on this one occasion … it was something I was deeply considering.

“Om nom nom nom~”

Beside me was my semi-loyal handmaiden. 

With an excited smile lighting up her face and stars glimmering in her eyes, she sat on a comatose alchemist while snacking on a bowl of mixed fruit and nuts. 

Where she had found it, I would never know. Who decided that dried lemon peels worked in any combination, I would know even less. All I knew with any certainty was that she was the picture of an audience member having secured a coveted balcony ticket at the Royal Arc Theatre.

And this evening’s play … was a character drama in personal tragedy.

Even now, I could hear Coppelia’s inappropriate laughter ringing in the depths of my memories. 

Usually it came as a sporadic echo. But right now, it came as a premonition. Because while the people of my kingdom could rest easy in the passing of the night, I still saw nothing but darkness before me.

Indeed … despite the warmth of the fading evening, all I felt was a shuddering chill running up my spine.

Yes.

It was time. For the true trial had finally come. 

A foe which neither the heavens nor hells could conjure … for how could angels or devils call forth what they themselves feared?

A gaggle of receptionists from the Adventurer’s Guild.

Each a messenger of the end, they were as unapologetic in the execution of their duties as a headsman with an axe. What their duties actually were, I had no idea. Only they themselves knew, for they had no other master. 

But if I had to guess–

It would involve striking me down one highly foreboding compliment at a time.

“... the most remarkable spectacle! Gosh, I never thought the headmaster would turn out to be a lich! Did you ever get that impression, Eloise?”

“No, not in the slightest. But then again, he was always very optimistic when I saw him. I always imagined liches to be more broody. I certainly didn’t know it was literal bones under that glamour!”

“I suppose that shows you can’t judge a book by its cover … especially if that book happens to be a phylactery! My, it was so impressive, the way it simply spun into the air!”

“Oh, I agree! The velocity and reach was astonishing … was that your special technique, Miss Juliette? It was unlike anything I’d ever seen before! May I ask what school of swordsmanship it was?”

I pursed my lips.

“It … It is not from a school of swordsmanship … rather, its purpose is to gently remove caterpillars without damaging the leaves they gorge upon …”

A moment of silence met my simple statement.

And then–

“That’s wonderful! A sword technique crafted to such precision!”

“Of course, the more delicate one strikes, the more lethal the blow!”

“If only all our adventurers could be so open minded!”

As the pace of the compliments increased, so too did the speed at which I fed Apple. With this much fuel, I hoped he would outpace at least one of them. But that was only my last resort.

Indeed, I was a princess, and I did not flee while I still had my most potent weapon available to me.

Yes … 

My genius mind … and also utter disregard for the word fairness!

Thus, I let out a regal cough, turning around to interrupt as I felt the crescendo ominously building. 

“Ahem … I sincerely thank you all for your words of praise. Know, however, that I cannot claim credit for what was achieved this day, for what I did was nothing more than follow the lights lit by others.”

I immediately held up my palm as they sought to respond.

“W-Wait, do not speak! I am not finished! In fact, I will indicate when you may respond! And when you do, it must be only in direct context to what I said and without any thought to strike me with what you incorrectly consider to be gratitude or a reward!”

The receptionists nodded, their smiles the only words they needed as they smiled and waited patiently … like cougars stalking a prey.

Already, I could picture what form their indebtedness would take as they gifted me only with despair. I would not allow it. No more than I would permit a visiting dignitary a tour of my bedroom tower. For this would surely result in the same pain if I did.

Indeed … I could not offer them the opportunity.

I recognised the smiles they wore.

The glitter of acknowledgement in their eyes. The hue of obligation lighting their cheeks. The hands clapped together in a pose of joy. 

I had seen it enough times already. 

And now I was seeing it not once … not twice …

But six times around me.

However–

While their unyielding smiles were the unstoppable force, my pride was the immovable object. 

And that meant … I had an ingenious idea!

Thus, I took in a deep breath as I prepared my ultimate defence against the dangerous gratitude of these receptionists. But how could one best foes who scorched eldritch horrors while chatting over holiday plans?

Why, that was simple!

… I would merely attack instead!

“Sadly, I fear this night is not yet done,” I said, hand to my chest as I donned a grave expression. “For though the schemes of a lich have ended, the darkness he created still persists. Even now, the sun flickers like a candle in the wind. And I fear it will yet again be snuffed out.”

The smiles of the receptionists did not drop, but they became more serious. Their backs … did not straighten as that was impossible, but their demeanours sharpened. 

I nodded and continued.

“That is why … I request your assistance. As receptionists, you are the keepers of the lighthouse. For it is more than swords and magic I need by my side. It is your ability to provide guidance that allows me to walk trails unseen. And I will ask this again now. Therefore–”

I pointed at the nearest receptionist.

“You. Do you see this dazzling 10/10 statue of a disgraced headmaster now as a pirate?”

“Yes, it’s truly a marvel of modern art.”

“Excellent. I require you to immediately see to the logistics of its transportation.”

“Excuse me?” 

“A royal edict is in place for the delivery of the most heinous criminals to a place of joy called Soap Island. And while I doubt soap will cleanse the melodrama from this man’s mind, his presence as an eternal reminder of the consequences to working against the kingdom will serve a valuable purpose to those around him. The 1st Princess awaits at Trierport, far, far to the west to receive him.” 

I immediately pointed to the next one.

“The Royal Institute of Mages is currently unfit to host any mages, let alone the magical relics stashed within. The artifacts should be secured in the name of public safety. As it’s clear a conflict of interest exists with the mages here regarding seeing their own illegally hoarded treasures removed, this responsibility must fall on us instead. Please liaison with the Royal Treasury all the way in Reitzlake regarding the logistics of transporting such artifacts.”

Next, I pointed to three of them.

“I have no doubt that beyond the first vault, a great store lies further hidden behind centuries of defences under magical lock and key. With the headmaster now indisposed, whatever innumerable, lethal traps which exist must be navigated instead. A difficult and time-consuming task. Regardless, it must be done. Please do your best to secure the most buried items for the kingdom’s safekeeping. Otherwise, their allure may see yet another lich rise.”

All at once, the receptionists blinked at me, then at each other.

After a moment, they clenched theur fists and smiled as a chorus of agreement sounded. They then scattered like honey bees to the wind, sent to secure the prosperity of the hive. 

I smiled at once.

They were vultures feeding off my horror, true… but they were professional vultures too!

Sworn to assist the hoodlums which littered my kingdom in whatever manner they could, so long as I constantly delegated a stream of work to them, they could have no time to claim my soul! 

… Ohohohhooho!! 

This … This was a foolproof plan!

Did they think they could entrap me?

Naïve! 

I was not the same innocent princess who had first left the safety of the Royal Villa! … Rather, I was even more innocent! 

If I had learned anything from my time spent gracing the common rooms of taverns and guild halls, it was that I was a flower as rare as summer snow! I needed to maintain my dignity at all costs! 

Indeed, my purity was an endangered species … and there was still one threat remaining.

Yes … her.

The original doom, with a professional smile so unbreakable it could be used as a siege ram.

First Reitzlake. Then Aquina. Then the Loerstardt Gate … and now here. Again and again, she came like a raven in the night, heralding a new shame to my name.

Oh yes, I knew the pattern. I saw what was coming like rain clouds upon the horizon.

… Well, not today!

“Did you wish to request something of me too?” asked the Reitzlake receptionist, feigning amiableness.

“Indeed I do.”

I offered a warm smile, expertly hiding my most powerful attack.

For her, it was not enough to merely send her away. There was no distance she could not cover. She was a step above and ahead of the others. I had to dispose of her. 

Permanently.

Thus, I pointed straight at her–

“I wish to hire you.”

The receptionist betrayed a look of puzzlement … and so my victory was assured!

Ohhohohohoho!

Behold! A plan as elegant as it was simple!

Why, if she was no longer employed by the Adventurer’s Guild, then she would no longer be able to harass me! Rather, as her new employer, I would be the one harassing her!

“Hire me?” asked the receptionist, her eyes blinking.

I nodded fervently.

“Indeed, that is my wish. Know that I am no mere beautiful maiden. I am a fountain of charity. And that involves making dreams come true. Merely nod and vow not to haunt my shadows again, and I will click my finger. The result is a new position in the Royal Villa, where you may advise in matters of magic to the king and queen of this fair realm.” 

I waited for the flood of questions. The wide eyes. The head tilt of confusion.

“Oh my. That’s a very generous offer. I shall consider it carefully.”

I responded with wide eyes and a head tilt of confusion.

“E-Excuse me?”

“Hmm?”

“Is … Is that it? … Did I mention it’s in the Royal Villa? A highly sought after position? The salary would be … well, it would certainly be higher than a guild receptionist’s salary.”

“Yes. I imagine it would be a very popular role.”

“... Then the reason you do not immediately accept is?”

“It sounds like a rather large life decision. I need to consider such a proposal carefully.”

She smiled. Just as she always did.

I was horrified.

This woman … she was even more powerful than I imagined! 

“O-Ohoho … I … I see! You play a hard game. But know that I am no stranger to it … so name your price and–”

“Oh, I’m certain the salary would be wonderful. But I have other considerations I need to make. Such as the cat shelter I volunteer for. They’re understaffed and would miss me. Moreover, as I’m currently on the clock, I believe it would be inappropriate for me to be considering other employment at this time.”

“I … see? Well, are there any questions you’d at least like to ask or . . . ?”

The receptionist paused for a moment and thought.

Then, she nodded.

“Indeed, there is! What colour would you like the certificate?”

“The certificate?”

“Yes. The certificate confirming you are now an A-rank adventurer.”

My mouth opened wide. Just as the receptionist broke out into polite applause.

“... Congratulations!”

Silence.

Silence and horror.

For a moment, nothing but the sounds of her gently clapping hands filled the air … and then it was promptly joined by the laughter of a clockwork doll as she rolled on the grass, dragging a drooling mage with her as the woman’s head flopped side to side.

“Ahhahahahahaaa~ ahahhhahah~ ahahahahhahahahah~”

As her mirth echoed in my ears, I felt my knees buckle … but not crumble … not yet!

“No, no, no, no, nononono.” I gestured in every direction. “A-Absolutely not! It does not work that way! Isn’t … Isn’t A-rank a moderately high rank?!”

“It is more than moderately high. It is the second highest rank officially available, and is reserved for those whose deeds exemplify the very heart of the guild code. By becoming A-rank, you join an esteemed company known to few others. There has only been one other A-rank guild affiliated adventurer in the Kingdom of Tirea in the past decade. Your actions tonight reach the requirements by all definitions, to say nothing of your deeds in the past.”

I pointed to someone, somewhere, whose place behind a desk was my saving grace.

“There is a process! A beautiful, arduous, time heavy process! I do not see a stack of documents and referrals, nor a convocation of guildmasters! Under whose authority is this permitted?!”

“My colleagues and I have deliberated on the matter extensively. We are in shared agreement.”

A spark of hope lit up within me.

“That … That is not allowed, surely?! I have been told receptionists have their own limits! To raise someone to A-rank would surely require a guildmaster, no, every guildmaster voting in accordance! The type of meeting and agreement that politics could never allow to happen! You do not have any legal authority to unilaterally raise someone to A-rank!”

Indeed, it was as simple as that!

Her threats of promoting me were merely that! As absurdly horrifying as these receptionists were, even they did not have the power to promote adventurers as they saw fit! They even told me that themselves!

“Don’t worry,” said the receptionist brightly. “We will make it legal.”

I gasped in horror.

All I could do was retreat a few steps, hand to my mouth in equal parts admiration and grief at whatever sinister implications she was implying. The very type that I would make under bated breath.

Thus, as I also watched a receptionist effortlessly lift the petrified form of a lich into a cart conjured by her colleague, itself already being filled by every sized trinket that could be passed along a magical daisy chain consisting of all the other receptionists, I came to one inescapable conclusion.

Yes, there was only one way to survive.

… I was going to have to hire them all.