NOVEL WEB Chapter 27
Gu Ji-ye’s words were not entirely wrong. However, my pride would not allow me to simply acknowledge that.
The writer was a different existence. While it might be true that they were selling their talent, the writer was different. They were not just a person who honed their skills to sell them. A writer possessed thought. It was through their own thought that they presented philosophy, pain, and art they had refined.
It was completely different from merely selling technique or selling their face.
“Writer, the times have changed. Nowadays, writers are celebrities too. Don’t think negatively. Honestly, you’re having a tough time right now, aren’t you? It’s hard to go out, there are countless hateful comments, your body has changed, and it seems like there’s no one around to help you, right? Think carefully. Just for a moment, just bending down briefly will change everything. Of course, the hate comments won’t disappear completely. But most celebrities receive that level of hate and live. If a serious problem arises, you can just sue them all! Your novel will sell like hotcakes. Or you could just do live streaming. Debuting as a celebrity wouldn’t be a bad idea. You could sit on a pile of money! You could even donate a lot to orphanages!”
Gu Ji-ye was like a snake. With her sinister and teasing tongue, she was tempting me down a wicked path. It was a path I should never choose. Honestly, I couldn’t deny that there were tempting aspects to her story. However, to choose that would be too much of a deviant path for me.
To be honest, it was tough right now. If this situation resolved, it would surely be good. Getting revenge on those who left hate comments felt appealing, and it would be great if my novel sold well. I had no intention of doing live streaming or becoming a celebrity, but the idea of donating a lot to an orphanage was enticing.
But still, no.
No is no.
I would not choose that path.
If I were to think wisely, choosing that path would be the right course. It was wicked, sinister, and a deviant path, but it was clever. Just bending for a moment would mean gaining everything.
What the editor said was far more persuasive and made sense. Sure, there might have been a little exaggeration, but there was no lie in those words.
Yet in the end, I couldn’t choose that path. My noble mind could never choose such a path. Didn’t I choose the difficult road without undergoing an identity change solely to maintain this mind of mine?
My armor was solid and could not be peeled away.
Not until I took it off myself.
“Perhaps, if you become famous through this broadcast, your parents might come looking for you.”
Not until I take it off myself.
~
I gave Gu Ji-ye the editor’s phone number. Although the editor was not exactly my manager, he was in a somewhat similar position, so I handed it over, suggesting she talk to him.
In the end, I couldn’t bring myself to refuse.
It wasn’t because of Gu Ji-ye’s last words. I was simply too exhausted that I chose the easier path for a moment. My noble mind was just a bit wounded and needed some time to rest.
I had a bit more time to think.
I was merely postponing my choice.
I wasn’t really making that choice.
As I kept justifying myself for a while, I found myself chuckling involuntarily.
It was an excuse that wouldn’t hold water. I was the one who knew it best.
What was this noble mind?
It was no different from becoming naked and throwing myself into the flames.
I had directly cast off my once-solid, steel-like reason and became naked.
I too, in the end, was just a mere human.
I thought I had realized such things long ago, but it seemed I was more arrogant than I had thought.
Yes, that’s right.
Gu Ji-ye’s last words shook me.
The idea that my parents might come looking for me.
That shook me. It was a painfully human and foolish reason.
I had no father. My earliest childhood memory was of my biological mother and I enduring the cold of a small room in the harsh winter. My mother hated me and always complained that her life was ruined because of me. Being beaten was a daily occurrence, and verbal abuse was a given.
The memories I retained were limited to such remarks.
“I should have realized sooner and had you aborted.”
“I should never have given birth to a thing like you.”
I had no last memories of my mother. By the time I came to my senses, I was already in an orphanage.
In the stories, mothers are supposed to be the common type who treat their children kindly at the end, buying them something delicious or giving them a toy, but mine did none of that.
Perhaps that’s why I felt this way.
I no longer felt even a trace of longing or affection for her.
But there was one thing I wanted to ask.
Was it really,
Was it really that hard,
To leave just one last memory for that little one?
Mother.
~
[You thought well, Writer! Looking back, I may have gone a bit too far last time, right? I’m sorry. Still, since you decided to do the interview, I feel much better. Anyway, please don’t ignore my texts and try to pay attention~ I talked a lot with Gu Ji-ye. Make sure to prepare well. They said the broadcast will be airing this weekend. It’s a bit disappointing that it’s not a press conference, but it can’t be helped!]
It was a text from the editor. He wrote a long message.
I certainly felt like I hadn’t responded properly, yet things were moving along unknowingly. I wondered if I should stop it even now, but for some reason, I felt limp and just ignored it. In the end, I ended up passively consenting. By not refusing.
If I wanted to stop it, I could have done so easily. I could have shouted that I wouldn’t go on that stupid broadcast, and that would have been that. There wouldn’t have been any particular problem if I continued this lifestyle a bit longer.
But somehow, I lacked the motivation.
Could it be that Gu Ji-ye’s words had shaken me so much?
Had I still not forgotten that woman?
I felt more disappointed in my own weakness than in accepting that absurd proposal.
I thought I had already forgotten and given up, yet ultimately, I was so disappointed in myself for being shaken by those words.
It was agonizing.
Had my mind already shed its armor?
Ironically, at this moment, I welcomed the idea of having contracted TS syndrome.
I could just blame my weak mind on that disease.
The reason I had become so weak was entirely because of TS syndrome.
I became weak as a woman, became foolish as a woman, and… became nostalgic as a woman.
For the memory of that cold, stark small room.
I hadn’t spoken to anyone about this matter. Neither Muk Ha-neul nor Seo Jae-Ah. Not even Gang Hwa-won. They might not have seen it anyway.
I told Seo Jae-Ah that I had personal matters to attend to and decided to take a week off from tutoring. I ignored Muk Ha-neul’s messages.
But I did call Ham Yejin. After I relayed everything (except about my mother), Ham Yejin sighed.
“Are you really going to choose that method?”
“…”
“The reporter might have described it nicely, but that method will be just as hard, if not harder, than now. It’s different from just enduring until public opinion calms down. You might have to struggle for life, and the situation may not resolve. Everything that reporter said was overly optimistic speculation. I cannot recommend that path. And if you choose that way, the support from the National Intelligence Service will also be difficult in the future.”
“After all…”
“Yes?”
“After all, there’s not much help anyway, is there? Would they have moved if I asked to change houses again?”
“Well, that’s a bit… unreasonable…. Initially, Seol-guk, you broke the suggestion of not going out in the first place.”
“I know that the National Intelligence Service has provided a lot of conveniences. I also understand that the issue arose because I went out on my own. It would have been easier if I had just done an identity change from the start. I’m sorry. I also don’t know why I’m feeling this way. But now that I’ve come this far, I doubt the National Intelligence Service can protect me any better, nor do I think I want that. Thank you for everything up to now.”
“…Are you really going to do this?”
“I’m sorry.”
It was an extremely rare thing for me to apologize to a woman. I didn’t even want to. But the only thing I could say right now was this. Then Ham Yejin fell silent. After a moment, an unbelievable statement slipped from her lips.
“Actually… Seol-guk, what you said isn’t wrong.”
“What do you mean?”
“The National Intelligence Service cannot provide further help.”
“What does that mean?”
“Actually… the house you are currently living in wasn’t provided by the National Intelligence Service.”
“What do you mean?”
“That house belongs to me. I inherited it personally, and I lent it to you without permission.”
“So, the claim that the rent is deducted from the support funds is…?”
“That was the initial amount. Since it’s my house, there’s no need to pay rent.”
“Then….”
“Support from the National Intelligence Service is very poor. Even if you choose to change your identity, the follow-up processing wouldn’t be perfect.”
“Why?”
“I have cared for two patients with sudden gender dysphoria before. Both chose to change their identities. Do you know where they are now?”
“…”
“Both chose extreme options.”
“…”
“If the National Intelligence Service had provided better support, wouldn’t some things have changed? I just wished Seol-guk wouldn’t take the same path.”
Ham Yejin had helped me without any gain for herself. Had most of the help until now actually been actions by Ham Yejin personally rather than the National Intelligence Service?
Truly, incomprehensibly, I was left speechless.
“How strange, but the previous two were similar to you. This may just be my personal opinion, but that’s what I have seen. Both hated and despised their change. One tried to escape the hospital. The other tried to throw themselves out of a window. Somehow, I managed to stop them, and they both underwent identity changes. At first, it seemed like they were adapting little by little, but it wasn’t. Living with a suddenly altered gender in an unfamiliar environment would not be easy. The lack of support must have made it even harder. Ultimately, both chose extreme options. When I heard that a third patient was coming, I feared it would be a similar case. I feared that the same thing would repeat itself.”
“That is…”
“But you were different, Seol-guk. You decided to fight without changing your identity. You chose conditions that were even tougher and more painful than those two. So I… just wanted to help you a little.”
“And so, the house…?”
“That level of help might be small, but it was the best I could do within my reach.”
What should I say? To express this feeling.
What emotion do I feel towards Ham Yejin? What feeling should I feel?
Should I be angry that she views me as a means to relieve her guilt towards the patients she has dealt with? To see me as overlapping with others?
Or should I simply feel gratitude for the help and concern she showed me solely because of her guilt? Because she sees me as others?
I don’t know. It was the most difficult question I had faced in my life.
But one thing was certain.
In this moment,
Ham Yejin was not a woman to me.