NOVEL WEB Chapter 16
I dreamed while I was sleeping. In my dream, I was still a man, large and strong. My reason was solid, and my principles, as hard as steel, were my armor protecting me. I continued to write, published books, and built my reputation. I was also giving lectures at the university. I was half a person, half a bird.
It was a lecture about Virginia Woolf. I was using her essay “A Room of One’s Own” as a text to discuss feminism. I praised Virginia Woolf’s remarkable abilities while simultaneously reiterating the limitations she faced as a woman. It was not merely a revelation of hatred towards women, but rather a commentary on the limitations of the times. I wasn’t sure if I had ulterior motives.
After the lecture, a student raised their hand. No, it was a bird. A sparrow chirped and asked in a high-pitched voice.
“Professor, so does this mean that Virginia Woolf couldn’t write better works because she was a woman? Are you implying that if she were a man, she would have produced better results? Then does that mean that other great male writers wouldn’t have produced such great results if they had been women?”
It was a ridiculous question. Isn’t that a given? This wasn’t just because of my hatred for women, but rather a conclusion that considered the situational context of the times. If she hadn’t been a woman, she likely wouldn’t have taken her own life.
“Virginia Woolf asked, if Shakespeare had a sister, could she have written as well as Shakespeare? Virginia Woolf answered NO. In such times, women could not receive proper education and could not accumulate experiences as men could. Under such conditions, no writer could showcase their full abilities. Virginia Woolf was born into a wealthy and scholarly family, which allowed her the freedom to write.”
“Then, Professor, if Shakespeare’s siblings were born in the modern era with ample educational and experiential opportunities, could they achieve equally outstanding results?”
That’s obvious,
“No. Women and men are structurally different beings. Even if the levels of achievement are the same, different outcomes are inevitable.”
That wasn’t true.
Of course, if the level of achievement were the same, a woman couldn’t write better than a man. A woman’s writing, filled only with emotional appeals without solid reasoning, was nothing more than begging. Writing that seemed to cry out for attention and love could never surpass a man’s writing.
Women can never become adults. They cannot understand the meaning of taking responsibility. The writing of those who are forever trapped in adolescence can only reach the level of young adult literature at best. Or perhaps pornography.
I didn’t voice those thoughts during the lecture. I understood the kind of impact that could have.
But then the sparrow started to laugh. It wasn’t just the sparrow. Sparrows, owls, sandpipers, herons, ducks, chickens, and even the sleepy owl burst into laughter. The high-pitched soprano noise struck my ears loudly.
“If you know so well, why are you standing there?”
“What nonsense…!”
“But look at this.”
The hair was white,
the skin was soft.
A small chest emerged modestly,
and the arms were so slender.
My pale face ached.
A cute little lady.
Why are you here?
“You are neither a man, a professor, nor a novelist anymore.”
I looked around at myself. My armor, equipped with solid reasoning and iron-like principles, was too large to cling to my body. The armor fell to the ground and shattered into pieces, utterly meaningless.
What remained was only a young, small girl with white hair, stripped bare.
I was neither a man, an adult, nor even a novelist.
Looking up with my pale face, I found that all the birds from earlier had disappeared, and a crowd of massive women filled the place. No, it wasn’t that they were huge. I was small.
With creepy smiles, they began to approach me. The other men who had been listening to the lecture watched the scene with deadpan expressions.
At the moment they were about to overwhelm me, I screamed and woke up.
“Seol-guk? Are you alright?”
Ham Yejin approached with surprise, and I waved my hand to stop her. It was just a simple nightmare. A nightmare that held no significance, merely unpleasant. It was nothing more than a meaningless echo that would have no effect on me.
“I’m fine. You don’t need to worry.”
“…Yes, then.”
Although I said that, Ham Yejin seemed concerned and brought me a glass of lukewarm water. I didn’t particularly refuse. I held the cup with my small hands and drank the water. The cup was large, and some spilled and wet my clothes.
Could it be that dreaming such emotional dreams is because I’ve turned into a woman? The doctor said that one might become more emotional due to the influence of female hormones.
I know that people are slaves to hormones. But I trust in my strong reason. I might change a little. It could affect my writing. However, my essence has not changed at all. There was no way that female hormones could contaminate my essence.
If the essence is the same, I am still myself.
Though I don’t like my name, I am still Seol-guk, and I will continue to be Seol-guk. That is a fact that cannot change.
Seeing that I seemed calm, Ham Yejin opened her mouth.
“I left the computer and bookshelf you had in that room. I’ve also put some food like porridge in the refrigerator for the time being. I’ve set up a microwave over there, so you can heat it up with that. Honestly, there’s nothing particularly special to discuss. Just, it’s best to refrain from going out as much as possible. The security in this neighborhood is quite good, so the chances of running into problems while walking around are low, but the public sentiment is still not great. It will improve with time, but until then, please bear with it a little. If you need anything, it’s best to order delivery online, and if there’s an urgent matter, feel free to call me.”
Ham Yejin handed me her business card. I could tell she was from the National Intelligence Service, as the business card was disguised as if she were an employee of a completely different company. Well, it wasn’t something I needed to concern myself with. After taking the card, Ham Yejin handed me another item. My wallet.
“We kept it for you. Everything inside should still be there.”
“By the way, you mentioned you’d help me get a new ID. How long will that take?”
“I’ll contact you once it’s completed. There are several procedures, so it might take a few days.”
So it’s not coming out immediately. When the ID comes out, will the picture feature this appearance? Come to think of it, I haven’t taken any pictures.
“There’s a photo from when I was in the hospital ages ago.”
“That sounds like eavesdropping.”
Ham Yejin closed her mouth. I wasn’t going to get into a dispute over such trivial matters. I just wanted to lighten my unpleasant feelings a little.
“Is there anything else to discuss?”
“Please make sure to follow the precautions provided by the hospital. Don’t drink or smoke. And… it’s best not to meet acquaintances for a while.”
“Even the editor of the publisher?”
“If necessary, do video calls. It’s best to minimize address exposure for the time being.”
“…Okay.”
It meant I was being told to live a forced reclusive life for a while. I was never an outdoors person to begin with, so it wasn’t a significant challenge, but the uncertainty of how long I would have to live like this made me feel uneasy.
“And it’s best to stop searching for your name online. In any case, everyone will forget soon enough.”
“You’re quite assertive.”
“I’ve seen enough of it.”
Ham Yejin stood up. The sudden shift in perspective felt strange. With her height, she originally should have been someone I looked down upon. But now I had to look up at her. For reference, my height measured at the hospital was 146 cm, which is elementary school level. I was over 30 cm shorter than my original height.
I thought of the giant women who had overwhelmed me in my dream. My mood worsened.
“Well then, I’ll be going now. Please take care of your health and stay safe. Make sure to take your medication regularly, as prescribed by the hospital.”
“Goodbye.”
Ham Yejin left with her grand-style farewells and fuss. The house I was left in felt more desolate than expected.
Naturally, my thoughts drifted back to the dream I had just experienced. Dreams have high volatility. My memories were already starting to blur, but the keyword Virginia Woolf remained.
I couldn’t understand why the conversation about Virginia Woolf had suddenly come up.
I hadn’t read a single one of her books.
The content of the lecture in my dream was only superficial knowledge that I considered basic. And just because I became a woman, I had no intention of reading her books.
I lay back down on the sofa and stared at the ceiling.
It was a strange ceiling.
I wanted to wash up.