The True Confessions of a Nine-Tailed Fox

These joro spiders were ginormous! I’d seen spider spirits before, of course, but none of them even approached this size. Each one had a teardrop body with bright yellow and navy-blue bands, rather like a bumblebee but not furry at all, and long legs that also had yellow and navy-blue stripes.

And when I said their legs were long, I meant loooong. The front pair was twice the length of their bodies! Seriously, what were they eating out here in the Wilds?

Wait, maybe I didn’t want to know.

As the oversized spiders encircled us, way too many feet pounded a rhythm that vibrated the earth. The wolf stood up straight and proud, which was no mean feat given the snake, the crane, and the sparrow dangling off her.

The largest spider tapped her right-side feet, one-two-three-four, one-two-three-four, rather like Floridiana drumming her fingers. “Well, well, well, what do we have here?”

That was not an original line. That was not even close to an original line. You could hear better lines in a puppet show in the open-air market. (At least, I assumed you could – I’d never attended one myself.) But you’d think that such a ginormous, obviously ancient spider spirit would have spent some of her centuries polishing her villainess self-introduction.

“My name is One Ear,” snapped the wolf. (Oh, was that her name? I should try to remember it.) “Vassal of Steelfang, defender of the great Fox Empress Sphaera Algarum. By what right have you kidnapped us?”

The spider’s legs drummed. One-two-three-four, one-two-three-four. “I bow to no empress. Any and all who touch my webs have trespassed on my domain and are subject to my justice.”

Boring lines. Such tedious, boring lines. Leaving One Ear to deal with the spider, since the wolf seemed to know what she was doing, I whispered to Bobo and Stripey, One Ear? Why’s she called One Ear?

Because I could clearly see two furry, pointy ears where you expected to see ears on a wolf.

“’Caussse when ssshe was a pup, one of her ears was droopy! Isssn’t it sssuch a cute name?”

Shh, Stripey shushed us. I’m trying to listen.

Chastened, Bobo and I jerked our heads in opposite directions, each pretending that the other didn’t exist. Stripey rolled his eyes.

He was probably right that we should have been tracking the conversation between One Ear and the spider chieftain, though. When I returned my attention to them, they had already passed the challenge stage and were working out the details of the fight.

Wait, I protested, flying forward as far as the threads would let me. One Ear, you’re planning to challenge their leader yourself? You’re not going to wait for Steelfang?

The wolf twisted her head around and bared her teeth. Their sharp points gleamed in the sunlight. “Are you saying that I can’t take a spider?”

Well, yes. Steelfang hadn’t selected her to fight in any of the challenges thus far, which implied that she wasn’t among his stronger warriors. She was more of a scout, quiet and quick on her paws, at least when they weren’t tangled up in spider silk.

I highly recommend that you consult with Steelfang before you arrogate any diplomatic negotiations to yourself. You are not authorized to make any decisions that will bind your clan or – a sour taste rose in my mouth, but I forced out the next words anyway – the Fox Empress.

The spider chieftain tapped her feet in a light, mocking rhythm. “Hear that?” she cried to her vassals. “What is there to fear from these intruders? They are led by a little birdie!”

Their answering jeer rumbled the ground.

One Ear bristled. “What is there to fear from spiders? A wolf pup could take a spider. I could take you even tied up in silk and glued to this lot!”

I smacked a wing against her side, but it was too late.

“Done! Heard and accepted!” shouted the spider chieftain.

The other spiders pounded their legs until the ground tossed underfoot. “Done! Heard and witnessed!” they roared.

From the way both of One Ear’s ears flattened, she had not expected this outcome.

What did I tell you?! I snapped. To the spider chieftain, I declared, This is not a valid challenge. First of all, One Ear is not authorized to represent, negotiate, or make any binding agreements on behalf of her chieftain Steelfang or Her Imperial Majesty the Fox Empress Sphaera Algarum. (Nope, the words didn’t taste any less sour this time.) Second of all –

“The challenge was issued! It was heard, accepted, and witnessed!” The spider chieftain prowled forward. Never had yellow and navy-blue stripes looked so menacing.

I raised my voice. Second of all! It was not a true challenge! It was a conditional! She said “could,” not “will” or even “can.” She was speaking in hypotheticals! There was never a clarification as to the circumstances under which the hypothetical would be realized –

“En garde!” bellowed the spider chieftain.

One Ear snarled as the spider prowled around the side I was on. The wolf attempted to circle the spider right back, but Bobo was still wrapped around her hind legs, and she tripped and nearly fell.

More foot-tapping jeers from the watching spiders.

“Oopsssie, sssorry about that! Let me sssee if I can….” Bobo strained against the threads that bound her tail to One Ear’s legs. “Hmmm, nope, uh-uh, I can’t unssstick myssself. Maybe I can – ”

“This is no contest!” cried the spider chieftain, dancing into One Ear’s blind spot. “Why, I feel almost ashamed of fighting such a weakling! It’s like devouring a male!”

One Ear lunged, dragging Bobo across the grass. The extra weight threw off the wolf, and she fell far short of the spider’s front legs.

The spider tapped her on the nose with a foreleg. “Boop!”

One Ear growled. “Coward!”

The spider raised her second pair of legs like a shrug. “Coward, you say? And yet, who is lying at whose feet?”

“Would it help if I’m higher up inssstead of dragging behind you?” Bobo asked. Raising the front half of her body, she curved it up over One Ear’s back, like an extra-long, extra-scaly tail, or a cobra prepared to strike.

One Ear hobbled a few experimental steps, but she couldn’t separate her hind legs far enough to walk, much less run. The threads were wrapped too tightly.

Bobo! exclaimed Stripey, who’d been quiet up until now. Do you remember those three-legged races in the Claymouth Barony? The silly ones where two people tie together one leg from each and have to coordinate to run together?

“Oh, yeah! Yeah, of courssse I do! Thossse always looked ssso fun! But I don’t have any legs, ssso I couldn’t enter – ”

Ooooh, yes! That’s it! I cried. Stripey! You’re a genius! Bobo, here’s your chance! That’s exactly what you and One Ear are going to do! She’s going to lead the attacks, and you’re going to be her hind legs!

“Oh! Oh! Yep yep, we got this, One Ear!”

“We do…?”

“Yep! Let’s practiccce!”

Flexing her muscles, Bobo lifted One Ear’s hind legs clean off the ground and replaced them with her own belly. While Stripey beat his wings to take his weight off One Ear, Bobo slithered backwards (from her perspective). One Ear stepped forward with her front paws, but Bobo was moving too fast and nearly pushed the wolf over. Stripey had to backwing before he dragged One Ear head over paws. At least I was light enough that my weight didn’t throw anyone off.

The spider chieftain pounded all eight of her feet and howled with laughter. “This is good! This is too good! This is the best entertainment I’ve had all century! Maybe when I win, I won’t devour you after all! Maybe I’ll keep you around as my court jester!”

One Ear snarled, but Stripey suggested, Let’s try this again. One Ear, move your chest forward before you step to signal to Bobo how fast you want to go. Bobo, don’t move until you feel One Ear move.

That was what we tried next, but there was a delay between when One Ear leaned forward and when Bobo figured out how fast to scoot backwards, and Bobo’s weight jerked One Ear to a stop. Then Bobo started to slither, which pushed One Ear’s hindquarters forward before she could step with her front paws. It worked better than it had before, I supposed, but their combined movement was choppy.

The spider chieftain danced forward once more. I expected her to punch One Ear or shoot more silk threads to tie her up tighter, but instead, she opened her jaws.

Watch out! bellowed Stripey. He beat his wings and hauled on us, toppling all of us sideways. We landed in a pile of fur, feathers, and scales an instant before a jet of fire roared over our heads. The tree behind us went up in flames.

What was that?! I shrieked.

Joro spiders breathe fire.

Yes, I noticed!

One Ear was scrabbling with her front legs and thrashing with her back, struggling to roll onto her feet. Pinned beneath her, Bobo writhed and twisted. The spider stalked forward and opened her mouth again.

Get up! I yelled. Get up or she’s going to roast us!

“Stop tangling up my legs!” One Ear howled.

“I’m trying! I’m trying! But I can’t move with you on top of me!”

Stripey let out a wordless shout and beat his wings again, trying to drag us across the grass. If he’d been a spirit, he could have done it, but as a mortal crane, all he succeeded in doing was toppling One Ear back onto her side.

Flame shot past where her head had been.

“We have to get up or we’re dead!” she yelled.

“Sssorry! I’m trying! I’m trying!”

Delaying tactics. That was what we needed right now. Raising myself to my full sparrow height and spreading my wings to make myself as big and impressive as possible, I called over One Ear’s head, Mighty joro spider chieftain! May I have the honor of learning your name?

All eight of the spider’s gleaming black eyes focused on me, which was six too many for my liking. “What a fascinating and ragtag band you are. Like a ballad sung by a wandering minstrel.”

I couldn’t decide whether to feel complimented or insulted, but hey – at least she was spewing words instead of fire.

Under my claws, One Ear’s muscles rolled, and I had to flap my wings to stay upright. While she, Bobo, and Stripey practiced coordinating their motions, I had to keep the spider talking.

The chieftain is much too kind.

She really wasn’t, but if I could flatter my way into a human emperor’s good graces, I could gods-cursed well win over a spider demon in the Wilds. All that had been at stake last time had been Cassius’ empire. This time, it was our lives.

I am honored – nay, humbled! – that so great and discerning a chieftain would compare us to the figures in a ballad. Might I ask which songs the honored chieftain favors?

The spider’s third pair of legs lifted, rather like the way I’d raise my eyebrows if I were in human form. “You cannot possibly be a traveling minstrel troupe.”

No, although we did have a former member of a traveling dance troupe right outside the wall. Floridiana would scream if I ordered her to dance for the joro spiders, though.

I ducked my head in what resembled self-deprecation, although in reality, I was checking on the others. One Ear and Stripey were whispering furiously with Bobo. Something about working out a system of names for different actions that One Ear could call out. Good.

The honorable chieftain is wise to see that we do not possess nearly enough talent to be a wandering minstrel troupe. In truth, we might fare better as traveling jesters.

“That’s a fact.” The spider’s principal eyes roved past me over my companions. I supposed it wasn’t exactly hard for her to see what they were doing. “Sing.”

The command was so abrupt that I wasn’t sure what had just happened. I beg your pardon?

“Sing a song. For the length of time that you keep me entertained, I will refrain from attacking.”