The Survivor’s Guide to the Wasteland

*Beep... Beep... Beep... Beep...*

My Pip-Boy beeped in a slow beat as Tanya and I slowly patrolled the side of a small hill just south of the Bean Town brewery. The Pip-Boy was tuned to a distress signal that was literally out of this world.

*Beep... Beep... Beep... Beep...*

As we crested the hill, the cadence of the distress signal increased, and the beeping became ever so slightly louder.

"There."

I looked toward where Tanya was pointing and noticed scorch marks, upheaved earth, trees with broken branches, and some even cut in half.

"Good eye. Let's see what's up. Keep an eye out for anything that might be trouble."

Tanya, me, and a small pack of robots continued to follow the tracks. We had left Tanya's Radscoprions behind in the Vault to start clearing out the tunnels that I suspect led to other Vaults. I had doubts that the creatures could follow orders in Tanya's absence, but she promised me they were smart enough to carry out tasks unsupervised.

The distress signal's tempo continued to quicken and increase in volume.

*Beep... Beep... Beep... BEEP...BEEP..BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*

As the distress signal went from beeping to a solid tone, we walked around some large rocks and trees and made visual contact with what we came here for.

A light blue disk-like object, roughly 50 feet in diameter, was half buried in the earth. A red conical shape with ridges protruded from what seemed like the rear of an engine nacelle. It was, unmistakably, a real-life alien spaceship.

The trek from Vault 88 took almost a day and a half, so finally seeing the UFO and the possibilities it represented brought a great deal of excitement for me. And while I admit I was giddy at the opportunities this might bring, I was nowhere near as thrilled as Isabel.

A modified eyebot whizzed past Tanya and me and started quickly hovering in circles around the downed spacecraft.

"OH.MY.GOD. Look at it! It's so tiny! I mean, comparatively, of course. We would need massive rockets to get to space. The fuel alone would take up more volume than this ship. I wonder what kind of propellant they are using. Or maybe it's not a propellant at all!"

Isabel had sent out another contingent of bots to replace the ones destroyed during our exploration of Vault 88 while she stayed back in the RobCo facility to hold the fort. We decided to rendevous at an old relay station so Isabel could get one of the bots to repair the antenna and bring it into/improve her fledgling ad hoc communications network.

This new eyebot she was piloting had a camera and the necessary hardware to send back much more complicated data, the addition of which I only learned about when she stuttered embarrassedly when Tanya tried to tick her exhibition kink in front of the robots again. Honestly? I found it unfair that I was somehow more humiliated by getting caught than Tanya, who just kept going. 

Silver lining? Apparently, Isabel was a voyeur. What a merry, compatible bunch the three of us made.

While Isabel's eyebot and the rest of her robots circled around and started taking measurements and analyzing the extra-terrestrial vehicle, I noticed something strange in the corner of my eyes. Walking over, I saw a pool of liquid so bright that it was bordering on luminescent.

"Probably just some liquid from the ship. It might even be the fuel. Scooch, I need you to move a little bit so I can collect a sample."

The eyebot flew past me and scooped some green fluids into a small flask before handing it off to a Protectron-like scrap bot waddling by.

I looked around, noticing other splashes of the same liquid, some with boot marks next to them and one clearly in the shape of a handprint. The fingers of whatever made the prints were long, over a half-foot long each. That alone would be strange, but even weirder was that there were always only three fingers to a print.

"No, this is something else. Was there anything in the cockpit?"

I could feel the eyebot and Tanya come to a stop as it dawned on them what was missing from the picture. The ship crashed, obviously. But what about the contents within? The trail of liquid went downhill and led away from the vessel toward a cave entrance in the stone face of a nearby cliff.

"Isabel, stay here and get higher up to keep an eye on things. Tanya, you're with me."

"On it." "Got your back."

The eyebot zoomed up in the sky while Tanya and I walked toward the cave, weapons in hand.

Ducking under the growth of roots, we walked past the cave entrance and found ourselves inside a tunnel-like cave. The outside light, partially covered by the aforementioned vegetation, stopped the sun from shining deeper into the cavern. Turning on the flashlight on my helmet, Tanya and I ventured deeper, eventually stepping into a large chamber.

A large stone pillar stood in the middle, propping up the open space. Small clusters of brain fungus and glowing mushrooms provided a small amount of dim green light. Vines and roots hung from the ceiling, making the area look overgrown and more earthy than the caverns of Vault 88.

While the two of us were scanning our surroundings, a weird mix of gurgling and donkey-like braying came from our left. Weapons at the low ready, the two of us slowly turned the corner and were greeted by an unusual sight.

There, sitting and leaning against the cave wall, was a small green person. Well, 'person' might not be totally accurate. Creature might be a more fitting term instead.

Green skin and jagged teeth were the standout features that made it immediately evident that we weren't dealing with a human. The alien was wearing a space suit that was primarily white and red with silver trimming here and there. Slightly shorter than a full-grown human, its head was bulbous with completely black sunken eyes in a permanent squint.

It was clearly hurt, with more pooled blood around its spot. It was looking at a screen on its left arm, tapping away, maybe trying to communicate with its superiors. 

I stepped out from behind cover, and the alien immediately snapped its head toward me. There was only a moment of hesitation before it bared its teeth hissed.

"Whoa. Calm down there, bu-"

Before I could finish my sentence, the alien reached behind its back and pulled out a blaster. 

But before it could point the thing at me or I could decide whether to shoot or not, a loud *BANG* came from my right. The alien flung back, hitting the wall before slumping forward and dying. Looking over, I saw Tanya with her rifle shouldered, aimed squarely at the center mass of the alien.

She relaxed when she confirmed the alien wouldn't sit back up and start blasting. Noticing me looking at her, she turned her head and gave a non-committal shrug.

"The little green freak pulled a gun."

Well.. Fair enough.

"Probably for the best. Not like they were the most friendly of species anyways."

The two of us then walked over to the corpse, and I kicked it over before searching to see if it had anything interesting on it.

"So, what do you know about these things?"

"Not much, really. I know that they are referred to as Zetans. They have two mother ships somewhere in our orbit but generally seem to leave the planet alone. I wouldn't say they mean well, though. They've been abducting and experimenting on humans for at least a few centuries."

I picked up the alien blaster and turned it around, studying the foreign technology. It was a mixture of silver metal and red plastic. Three glowing blue rings could be seen, one near the muzzle, though no hole is present to identify the barrel, and two near the center on each side. 

Pressing the blue ring on the side ejected out a small metal cartridge. After inspecting the cylinder, I stored it in my inventory and confirmed it was ammunition. The inventory also confirmed that the pistol's official name was 'Alien Blaster'.

Rummaging through the alien suit produced a small pile of more ammo cylinders.

"I bet Isabel would have a field day with these."

Speaking of the devil, as I mentioned her name, the engineer popped up on the radio to alert us to a situation outside.

"Uh, guys. I got some people coming towards us from the south. Small group, five, maybe six total."

Tanya and I shared a quick look before we hurried out of the cave. Once outside, we rushed to the crashed UFO to see a standoff. A local Scavenger gang must have had the same idea as us after seeing the UFO crash, arriving on the hill shortly after Tanya and I left to chase down the alien.

They had formed a loose line in opposition to Isabel's robots, who had stopped working on tearing the ship apart and were focused on the new arrivals.

"This area is under lockdown. Turn around immediately."

A masculine voice conversed with the Scavs. It was clearly not Isabel's but too fluid to be the eyebot's. Paying more attention, I can make out a slight interference from what was a voice changer. If I hadn't known better, I would have said it sounded precisely like Isabel's Mechanist persona from the game.

"Oh yeah? Or what? All I see is a group of junk standing in the way. What's stopping us from breaking all of you robots apart and dragging you back with that fancy disk behind you to sell as scrap?"

Strangely confident for a ragtag team of pipe gun-equipped Scavs. Maybe they think they stand a chance because Isabel brought mostly robots designed for engineering purposes. I wouldn't want to get whacked by a wrench or burned by a blow torch, but I guess they are less threatening than a laser gun. Let's see if we can adjust the Scavs' attitude slightly.

Pulling the minigun out of the inventory, I stomped my way into view.

"I'd listen to the eyebot if I were you."

A full suit of power armor walking imposingly alone would have given anyone pause. Add on top of that pointing the wrong end of a minigun's six spinning barrels, and you got yourself a hell of a combo.

"Shit! Where the fuck did they come from?"

The group immediately changed from cocky stances and pointing their guns at the robots to directing all their attention on me and Tanya. Their eyes darted around, looking for any more unexpected surprises.

The leader of the group shifted nervously. I could see the thoughts running through his head. Calculating his chances, how many caps the ship and robots would fetch him, and if it was worth taking risks. Whether it was the cost-benefit analysis not adding up or feeling that the rest of his group wasn't up for the fight, the man eventually made the wise decision and gave up.

The lead man lowered his gun and raised a hand.

"Alright. Let's just all be calm about this. We're just trying to make a living like anybody else, so how about you share some of whatever is behind you, and everybody goes in their separate ways?"

Charisma check failed, Mister Scav.

"No dice. You talked yourself out of anything the second you started waving that sparkler launcher around. Beat it while you still have a chance."

I see the guy curse under his breath before quickly turning around and waving for everyone to back off. Tanya and I stayed vigilant until the group got off the hill and onto the road away from us.

"Whew, that was close. Thanks for scaring them off."

The eyebot floated down, and Isabel's usual voice returned.

"What was that weird voice all about?"

Tanya asked while walking over, rifle slung over her shoulder.

"Uh... N-nothing, just trying to sound confident and scare them away."

"Hmmm... You sure it's not you trying to sound like the Mechanist?"

Tanya's eyebrow quirked at the mention of the comic book hero and looked over at Isabel.

"The Mechanist?"

A light blush forms across Isabel's cheeks while her eyes swim around, trying to find anything to get her out of what she perceives as an embarrassing conversation.

"I don't know what you're talking about!" Isabelle said, a bit too loudly, I might add, "Anyway, what did you find in the cave?"

Deciding to throw her a bone, I mentioned the now-dead alien me and I ran into.

"The pilot of the ship was in there. Though Tanya shot it the second, it tried to pull a gun."

The eyebot floated up a few inches before zooming in a few circles and stopping right in front of my face.

"A pilot?! As in an actual extra-terrestrial? The biology, the technology, the implications! I have to see this!"

The eyebot flew away like a speeding bullet, making a beeline for the cave. Tanya and I just shared a look before softly chuckling. It'll probably be a couple hours before we can pry Isabel's attention away from the Zetan corpse.