The Simpsons: Bart

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***

- Hey, guys, let me show you something. - Nelson came up to Milhouse and me at recess.

We shrugged our shoulders and followed him. It was a little surprising that Nelson would talk to us after Milhouse had sent him to the hospital, after he'd gone to jail for a few months.

Walking behind the once limp bully into the men's washroom of the school. Nelson looked around, peeked under each stall, and followed us with a finger to pull out from under his jacket:

- Whoa!... - something that made Milhouse's glasses fog up in a flash.

- Do they still make these? - I somewhat concealed my interest in the adult magazine.

It was a soft, glossy magazine with a big-breasted model lying on a red silk bed and beckoning with her finger from the cover. Despite the fact that the internet is full of far more depraved content, this photo alone made my trousers grow tight.

- What's blondie, why don't you open it? - Muntz broached the subject with a sort of ominous tone.

I swallowed, and my friend put a hand on my shoulder.

- Maybe you shouldn't, Bart.

I shrugged my shoulders confidently and unfolded the magazine with an ordinarily indifferent face.

- Ay, caramba! - I burst out at the contents. - Oh-ho-ho!...

Who would have thought that magazines are so different from the videos from all the famous websites! Every photo and pose seems to flirt with your hidden desires, showing off perfect shapes and angles!

- Milhouse, get out of the way! - I shook off my best friend's hand that had fallen on my shoulder.

- Simpson!!! - I was followed by a shriek so powerful that even my fringes went up.

- Principal Carlael?! - I hid the magazine behind my back, turning on my toes. - How is your nothing-?

Without even letting me finish, the principal snatched the magazine from behind my back, blushed with anger, and, shaking his full cheeks, shouted at the entire washroom or the entire school:

- Punishment!!!

- No! I'm not going back to jail! - Milhouse tensed his whole body sharply, shouted: - This is all your fault!

- Ow! - punched me in the face and then--

- The window plan. - and ran off with a thud and smashed into the wall. You should have wiped your glasses at least before you ran....

.....

Eventually Milhouse and I were suspended for a fortnight. Mantz got nothing, since he's in good standing at the high school, plus he said we were the ones who showed him the magazine.

- Sorry, Bart! I thought you were Nelson. - said the jock in a gruff voice as he handed me a can of Coke.

- Hey, it's warm! - which did nothing to counteract the black eye he left behind.

- I bought it for you to drink? - Van Houten looked at me questioningly. And why am I even friends with him?

- Haa... Okay, thank you. - I opened the can and took a sip. Sugar would at least help me deal with the stress of telling my parents.... Did I accidentally start to understand Homer better?

- Hey, Bart. - turned to Milhouse and stood with his hand outstretched. Which I high-fived with a smile that said all was forgiven. - Э? That's not what I meant, the coke was two fifty.

Really, why am I even friends with him!

.....

Back home, this time I didn't sneak up to my place discreetly, instead deciding to find my parents. Homer was sitting in the living room in front of the TV, drinking a beer, and since he was the best person to tell about the suspension.... Of course, if you wrapped it up in a way he wouldn't know what it meant. I walked into the living room.

- Ugh! They've changed the colour and orientation of a classic character again! Damn you Hollywood producers, shoving an agenda down the throats of some shows and keeping others that lost their fervour decades ago from dying!

As usual, Homer's mood was ruined when watching the new version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. The representation of orange people on the television screen always hurt him sharply, though not as much as the bright yellow ones.

Deciding not to play with fire, I went into the kitchen in search of Mum. Who was sitting at the table, staring at the bills. Which wasn't such a good sign.

- Mrgghhhh. Oh, my God, Bart, what happened to your eye? - but before I could decide whether or not to back down, I was drawn.

- Oh, it's nothing. I fell off my skateboard. - which I haven't ridden in four years.

- Mrgghhhh. All right, be careful. - Did it work? Why am I surprised?

- Mum, I'm gonna go and watch the telly, OK?

- Okay, honey, spend time with your father. - With her nose buried in the bills, my mum waved at me. Literally this time.

.....

After convincing Homer to sign a certificate recognising him as Mr Springfield, i.e. a document with my suspension, I relaxed in bed. Watched a few youtube videos, then drifted off to sleep. Bye...

* Ostrich intercourse sounds with injured thighs and laryngeal cancer *

Lisa came back and started torturing the instrument. In a way, I respect that she continues to play the saxophone for so many years and hasn't quit...

* Ostrich lovemaking turned into an orgy involving a choking hyena *

But it's hard to keep respecting when you've been tortured by the sound of music from behind a wall for so many years. And that's before Maggie comes back from the dance and puts on some rock, for maximum brain liquefaction....

- So, is it time to get naughty? - rubbing my hands together ominously, I stopped, realised something and thought hard. - 'Fun,' really, Bart?

.....

Overcoming what had overtaken my parents years ago, disappointment in myself, I switched on my smartphone, logged into the social media account of the handsome Englishman, and began to string together a message:

- Sweetest Lisa, having finished..... - what are these Brits into anyway? - With the weird football you call football, while drinking proper British tea, I saw.... - so, what cringe-worthy line would the hero of the film utter for future crazy cat ladies? - A litter bag and thought of you!

This banter with Lisa's schoolboy crush started a few months ago. After another one of her nervous breakdowns towards me over some trivial matter, which came out in words about how a loser like me would never be loved.

At the time, when I was mad as hell, the idea of making Lisa fall in love with a fake person on the internet to then reveal that it was me had seemed like common sense. Now... It's not that I didn't realise it wasn't right, but.... Everybody wins! She gets a boost to her ego.... Not that a nerd needs it, but I don't know, some female thing might require it, right? I get it.

*That sound without which you realise its purity and beauty is silence*

- But why Alex? Did you think of me when you saw the bag of rubbish? - By the way, I chose the most mediocre name possible, even felt dirty choosing it.

- Well... Is that because, um. - is it just me, or should I not write before I've decided what I want to write? Anyway, what's the nibbler always babbling on about? - Oh, right!

- Alex, are you texting someone else?

- Yeah. I am. You know how it is, sometimes you forget to switch tabs.

- Yeah. It happens to me all the time. - who are you lying to? - I'm laughing my arse off. - Jesus, sister, don't embarrass yourself, huh?

- Anyway, I thought of the bag because of the sadness I feel about pollution..... - now the slippery sequel. - And how happy I am that there are people in the world who care about our planet like you.

- Awww! - it was already echoing behind the wall. In the correspondence, Lisa replied as follows: - Alex, you know I don't care about the planet for compliments.

- Of course, a pretty girl like you must be used to getting compliments ;) - I got a cold shiver as I wrote this, realising that my most flirtatious correspondence is with my sister. But what won't you do for peace of mind?

- Ohhhhhh! - and again there were sounds behind the wall... Am I doing this right? It's not a sax, but it's still pretty loud. In correspondence, however, Lisa: - Alex, please don't objectify me!

At that, Lisa logged off the social network, and a playful chuckle was heard behind the wall. It seems my sister sucks not only at memes, but also at flirting online if she thinks her response is flirty. At least an emoji or emoticon would have been inserted. As a big brother, I'm even embarrassed somehow....

.....

- Loser...

- Zubrila...

Every time we come face to face, like now when going out to dinner, it becomes very hard to feel guilty.

.....

Dinner was going on as usual, Lisa and I were trying to hurt each other, she with words, me with a catapult of spoon and pea-shaped projectiles... Objectively, my way is head and shoulders better. Homer munched on his food, reacting weakly to our squabbling, for over the years I had become more precise. Mum asked Maggie, who was about to turn seven, what she wanted for her birthday, but she answered with sounds and shrugs.

When dinner was finished, I was sent back to my mother to do the dishes. For the fourth time in a row this week? Mum seems to have completely forgotten, but okay, I've messed up enough today.

Finished with washing the unscheduled plate, I reached for a rag, crashing my hand into something soft. It was Maggie. With a smile, she held the rag and reached for the plate. I handed it to her and soon we were completely done.

.....

- I don't understand your tastes...

Climbing into my bed together, sitting down and covering myself with a blanket, I started up another cringe-worthy cartoon on my smartphone that the younger Simpson was so stuck on.

- Here... - pulled out a pack of sweets, which the little one immediately opened and with great passion began to stare at the screen.

It's said of children that you can't pick a favourite. As for the sisters, it's pretty obvious...

-A few days later-

My suspension was revealed, my father shook his head disappointedly, when he learnt the reason, he said that in the time of the Internet it was shameful to be caught with a magazine. My mother's punishment was house arrest until the end of the suspension. Of course, at night I would sneak out of the house to hang out at Milhouse's. During the day, I'd just sleep it off, because I didn't really have to study.

- Hee-hee-hee-hee.

And then again my sleep was interrupted by sounds behind the wall. Only this time it was Lisa's friends. Or just classmates. Or the ones who use her to study for tests... Anyway, with this female friendship, it's impossible to make sense of it!

I didn't resort to the tried and tested method. For I do not think that it will work in this situation, and Lisa began to coldly communicate with Alex. I don't think I should have called the Queen, Sherlock Holmes and Nigel Thornberry his heroes.... I knew I should have chosen Paddington!

While I was pondering the heroes of the English nation, my door suddenly opened and in walked one of Lisa's long-time friends, Alison Taylor.

- Hey Bart, what are you doing~? - With a strange voice stretched out the brown-haired girl with a sly look and a cheerful smile.