NOVEL WEB 9. Day 27, 9:30am
My eyes fluttered open and I smiled. I was already thinking about yesterday, last night, and Vivian. My heart was racing slightly and I felt butterflies in my stomach, and some other places too.
It was half past nine Friday morning, and I decided I was in too-good a mood to spend any more time in bed.
I got up and pulled on a t-shirt and some leggings. My clothes from last night were still on my bedroom floor, or most of them anyways. My skirt and bra were still in the back seat of Vivian's car, and that thought made me blush and giggle at the same time.
I checked myself in the mirror, and took a moment to get the hair out of my face. I really liked the pink fringes, and my nails and toenails looked adorable with the pink polish. I stifled another giggle, then practically skipped out of my room and downstairs to the kitchen.
Kevin was sitting alone at the kitchen table, he had a bowl of cereal in front of him and he was quietly munching on a mouthful of that when I practically bounced into the room with a giddy smile on my face. I put a couple slices of bread in the toaster then poured myself a glass of OJ.
"Good morning little brother," I said in a cheery voice as I slipped into the chair across from him.
Some time in the last week he'd been to a barber and got his hair properly trimmed so it was back in his usual style. I'd never say it but I was secretly sad he lopped off all that long beautiful hair. Even the boys cut didn't really look the same on him now. His hair was thicker and softer, plus his face was a different shape.
Rather than making him look like a boy, it gave him a sort of butch girl look. He was wearing one of his old t-shirts and some track-pants, and I knew he was trying to present masc but the poor guy just looked like a cute girl no matter how hard he tried.
He was staring at me as I had a gulp of my juice, and after a few seconds I realized he was giving me an odd look.
"What?" I asked as I suddenly felt self-conscious. "Is there something on my face?"
Kev shook his head, "You just look too damn happy. And uh, you look really good Callie. Like your hair is really nice. And you did your nails? And when did you get your ears pierced?"
I blushed and had another gulp of juice then answered with a wide happy smile, "I had a busy day yesterday. Fun though, a lot of fun. Vivian took me to the salon and I got a make-over? Then we both got our ears pierced. Then we went out for dinner and... It was just a really good night."
The toast popped so I jumped up and put it on a plate and got it buttered and everything, then sat down again to eat.
Kevin was still staring at me as he slowly munched another spoonful of his breakfast, and I had a bite of my toast.
We were both quiet for a minute or two as we ate, then Kevin asked "Vivian used to be...?"
I blushed but replied "Vivian Green. She was my best friend all through high-school, except we sort of drifted apart last year."
He nodded slowly and commented, "So she's like dad huh?"
"She's like Cheryl," I corrected him. "Cheryl asked us not to call her dad anymore, remember?"
My brother sighed slightly, then he stared at me again. "Hey Callie? How come you're so cool about all this? I mean, right from the very first day you've been ok. Everybody else spent the last four weeks freaking out and losing their shit, while you've just been calm and cool and chill."
He frowned slightly as he added, "Up till last month you were the quiet moody depressed one. Then this happened, and you're calm and level-headed. Now you're even going out on dates and you're practically giddy this morning."
I felt my cheeks colouring and I had a few gulps of orange juice as I quickly thought about whether or not to tell him. It felt safe though, especially after everything that happened lately.
"So here's the thing Kevin," I leaned forward slightly and lowered my voice a bit. "I'm trans. I've been a girl all my life, I just never had the body to go with it. Until this happened. I was planning to start my transition after I went away to college. I was always going to change my name to Callie. What you've been dealing with for the past month? That's what it was like for me pretty much my whole life, before the change."
As I spoke Kevin's eyes got wider. When I was finished he stayed quiet another few seconds, but I could see tears starting to pool in his eyes.
"Callie I'm so sorry," he said as he stared at me. "I had no idea. That's why you've been so understanding, why you've been trying so hard to help me through all this?"
I nodded, "I lived with that dysphoria most of my life, I know what it's like. The difference was it came on slowly for me back when I was younger. For me the right body was something I never had, instead of something I had that got taken away."
I sighed deeply as I continued, "You had it taken away from you and I'm so sorry you've been suffering ever since, Kevin. That day I woke up like this was one of the happiest days of my life, but I knew it was also the start of a nightmare for you and almost everybody else."
He stared at me for another minute or so, and wiped some tears from his eyes. Then he got up and moved around the table to give me a hug.
I stood up as well as we held each other.
He spoke quietly when we were hugging, "Callie I don't know what to say. I'm sorry, I had no idea."
"It's ok Kev," I replied. "I kept it secret. You know what our folks were like right? I couldn't come out, I couldn't transition while I lived here."
He nodded quietly, he knew exactly what I was talking about. As we held each other I noticed he was wearing something under his t-shirt. With a little shock I realized it was a bra. He'd pretty much refused to wear one of those since the change.
I suddenly worried my little brother was 'giving in', that he was going to be like Cheryl or Vivian. Not that I wanted him to stay angry and sad and upset, but I still had a lot of mixed feelings about that whole situation. Even if Vivian seemed really happy and positive about her life now.
"Um, Kevin?" I asked softly. "I hope this doesn't upset you but, can I ask you a personal question?"
He let go and we both sat down again. He looked wary but he smiled slightly and replied, "Sure sis, you can ask. If I can ask you one too."
I didn't smile back but I nodded, "Ok. You ask first."
My little brother got straight to the point, "You and Vivian went all the way last night right? That's why you're all glowing and smiling and giddy this morning?"
I felt my cheeks go bright red and I bit my lower lip, but I nodded quietly. "Yeah. We did. And it was pretty awesome."
He grinned, "Way to go sis."
"Thanks Kev," I replied as my blush got brighter. My expression got serious as I asked, "Kevin? Are you... Have you thought about going like Cheryl? Like um, giving in, changing your name, any of that stuff?"
His smile faded and he frowned. He didn't seem angry with me for asking which was a relief. He looked serious, and maybe a little sad. After a moment he sighed and shook his head, "No. I'm still Kevin, I'm still a boy. I don't think that'll ever change? I mean, I guess I can't say for sure, like I never thought Cheryl would change sides like that. But right now I can say I'm definitely still a guy. Even if I don't look like one. Why did you want to ask me that now?"
I almost felt relieved to hear him say that, though at the same time I hated to think he'd keep on suffering with dysphoria. I blushed slightly, "When we were hugging I noticed you were wearing a bra."
Kevin grimaced, "Yeah. I mean... I'm still a boy, but I'm a boy who's got tits? And I got tired of the damn things flopping and bouncing around. It's just being practical, right?"
"I get it," I told him. "Are you still um, does it feel like you're still fighting it? Or angry? Struggling? I guess I'm trying to understand what it feels like, what you're going through?"
He frowned for a few moments as he seemed to be thinking it over. Finally he shook his head, "The period thing was brutal. Like that was the worst. And up till then, yeah I was angry. I was sad. I was depressed. And I guess it felt like I was fighting to stay who I was? I'm not sure how to describe it. It's not like you or mom or anyone else was telling me I had to be a girl, but I know what I look like now right? And what I sound like, my voice and stuff. I guess that's what I was fighting. And dealing with the nausea and cramps and bloating and bleeding just made that a thousand times worse. But after that faded, I guess it feels like..."
He went quiet for a few moments, then smiled. "It feels like I won. I'm still Kevin, I'm a boy, and it doesn't matter what I look like on the outside. That doesn't change who I am on the inside. So yeah, I'm wearing a bra because I don't want my tits bouncing all over the place and getting in the way. But I'm still a boy. And yeah, I guess next month I'm going to have to put up with that period bullshit again, but I'm still a guy. I'm not happy about that stuff, but I can't change it right? So just accept it and keep on going."
I found myself staring at him as all that sank in. I was no psychologist but it sounded to me like he'd kind of gone through something similar to Cheryl and Vivian, except they both described 'giving up' or 'giving in' where my little brother said he won.
Almost like he was reading my mind, Kevin added "I don't think less of people like dad or your girlfriend by the way? Like I remember Cheryl said she decided to give up and stop fighting. I'm not saying she's weak and I'm strong or anything like that. I'm just saying, that's how it played out for me."
After another few seconds I finally nodded, and gave him a smile. "Thanks Kevin. I'm glad you won. I mean... This is hard to put into words but I'm worried about you having to deal with dysphoria and all that? But I'm also glad you're not still struggling and fighting and all that other stuff. And I guess the main thing is, I'm here to support you whatever and however things go in the future."
"Thanks Callie," he replied with a smile. "I really appreciate that. And same back at you. We'll stick together right? Brother and sister."
I nodded, "Right."
We were both finished breakfast so I took his bowl and my plate and glass over to the sink. As I started rinsing them off I commented, "I have no idea how things are going to play out going forward? But um, trans guys are a thing. Instead of bras, you can get binders that kind of squash them and hide them so they don't stick out. And there's top surgery that'll take care of the boobs permanently. And hormones to help you feel more masculine again, and other stuff they can do. I think even in a normal world you'd have to wait till you're over eighteen for surgery stuff? But that might change, I mean there's probably going to be a lot more trans guys in the world now."
He looked thoughtful for a few seconds, then finally said "Thanks Callie. I might look into some of that stuff online. I'm not desperate to rush into anything though. Like I said, I'm still a guy no matter what the outside looks like."
