The Mundane Journal Entries of an Ordinary Person

Season: Autumn

Weather: Mild temperatures. Partly cloudy.

Day of the week: Tuesday

Date: 19th March, 2024

I don't know.

Do I like Llewyn in that way? Do I not? I'm not adverse to his company. He's alright. He's not bad looking. Has a pretty good physique. Goes to the gym regularly and hasn't completely let himself go like some other men our age.

He has a good and calm temperament. When he loses his temper, it's usually a quick flash and then it's over. He's not the type to have a cold temper or hold grudges. He likes children. I've seen him play with them when some colleagues sometimes have to bring their kids into the office.

He doesn't smoke. Doesn't like to drink much. Doesn't seem to be given to any vices. In all aspects, he should be the steady type. The reliable and secure type. Someone my life is currently missing.

I'd like to have a sense of security but I don't know if I have any trust left in me. Is it possible to trust me and my safety to another person? I mean, look at my parents. At Bezel. I thought they were people I would always be able to trust. But look where that trust got me.

I tried to trust Anthony Duin and he overstepped his boundaries.

I don't know. I really don't know.

What's going on with suddenly having 2 romantic suitors in a row? What did I do that they would look at me when I had not even been paying attention to such things?

My colleagues have all been nudging and murming amongst themselves during breaks. Everyone looks and points when I have to cross the floor to the printer.

Stop paying attention to me. Stop looking at me.

My email inbox has been filled with job offers and recommendations today, as well as links to online courses. There was even an apology from our direct line boss for putting me on the spot and embarrassing me like last night. From the looks of the email chain, he had been told to send the apology by THE biggest boss of all.

I feel kind of helpless. Like I'm stuck on a runaway trolley that's careening out of control. My work is good, but I'm not that good. Not as good as they've made me out to be. I'm just an ordinary little worker. Can't they let me continue being an ordinary unnoticed little office worker?

At the end of work, my team leader stopped me on our way home. At home time. (We go home at home time now. Isn't that amazing?)

"The bosses want a reply and your decision by the end of the week. If you agree, you have to sign up to all those courses and you'll be working part time and studying part time. Then you're going to be sort of interning on rotation to the various departments, changing places every few months."

"Can I not do this?" I asked my team leader.

"Of course," my team leader gave me a wry smile. "You just say you don't want to do it, but then you may never get this chance again. You'd forever be stuck on the floor. To big people like them, someone reluctant to accept promotion or greater responsibility is not worth nurturing. It'd be a waste of time and effort on someone who doesn't appreciate how much they're trying to do for you. So, are you an ungrateful wretch or will you go forth and conquer?"

"What do you think I should do?" I asked him.

"Go forth, young padawan, and see the world," my team leader put on airs, making me punch his shoulder. "Ow. No. Really. Go. Much as I want to keep your to maintain our team's super high efficiency rates, this is a good opportunity. There are a few people in the team who are more than a bit jealous of you at the moment. If you turn this opportunity down, they will crush you hard just so that they can make their green eyed monster selves feel better about not being in the spotlight. You can stay anymore. Not after what the bosses said last night. The others won't be able to tolerate you on the team much longer. They'll bully you. You know them as well as I do."

I made a face at that.

"As for that thing with Llewyn," my team leader patted my shoulder, "just take it easy. Don't stress. If he pushes you too hard, let me know and I'll stick him one. People are jealous that you've been lucky lately, but if you're part timing while studying and working right under the bosses' noses, they won't be able to do much to you. Honestly, if I weren't already married, I might have approached you long ago. You're a good sort. A real rare rattlin' woman, Janey."

Uhhh...

"Alright. Pretend I didn't say that," my team leader said after a very awkward moment of silence. "I'm just trying and failing to make you feel better."

Uhhh...

Yes. Let's pretend he never said that.