The Misadventures of a Terrestrial Anomaly

Charlie groaned as she woke up with the worst hangover she ever remembered. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes and took a moment to process her disgusted body. Once she blinked away the grogginess, she found herself trapped in a cage with nothing more than a quilt to cover herself. The comically large lock was plain to see through the crated walls. She groaned loudly and wondered where exactly she ended up this time. A cheery, vaguely feminine robotic voice chimed in her mind:

Greetings Charlotte Leah Watkins! Welcome to REDACTED!

Race: Terrestrial Anomaly

Class: ERROR

Subclass: ERROR

Level: ERROR

Status: ERROR

Location: ERROR

Racial Abilities: ERROR

Active Traits: ERROR

Passive Traits: ERROR

A blue screen appeared before her with all the information.

“That’s a whole lot of errors,” She brushed the sand from her face, “Anything more useful you can give me?”

Afflictions: Starvation, Dehydration, Veisalgia, Solar Dermatitis

“You’re having weird dreams again,” She yawned, “What’s this about afflictions?”

Affliction (noun): something that causes pain or suffering. Due to the status of multiple afflictions, your health, mana, and stamina will take longer to recover.

Current Afflictions: Starvation, Dehydration, Veisalgia, Solar Dermatitis.

“Yeah, I’m going back to sleep to get out of this weird dream,” She mumbled, “Wake me up when whatever weird man I’ve stumbled on brings me breakfast.”

Please contact any system administrator to properly calibrate your interface. The Administrator closest to you is ERROR. Have a wonderful day!

As Charlie curled up under the quilt, she heard shuffling in the next room. Her ears perked up when she heard whispers. Then, the monstrous roar froze her in place. She only ever heard anything like that in movies before. Which lead her to one conclusion:

“Did I sleep with a magician again?” She cursed, “At least they have a lion this time? That’s cool, right?”

She sat up and searched for her clothes near the cage she was locked in.

“Less cool that I’m trapped in here. Does he feed his victims to the lion? Did I stoop so low to a serial killer magician?” She groaned, “Dammit Charlie, Liv’s right. You have to get your shit together.”

Charlie squinted towards the only source of light in her prison. Two distinct roars argued with each other. She only guessed the animals fought about who would eat her first. Most likely, whatever tiger’s cage she sat in.

“Hey, uh, disembodied voice… am I asleep? You have to tell me if I am asleep,” She crossed her fingers.

When it didn’t reply, she sighed heavily.

“Alright. You will answer about afflictions, but not if I’m asleep. Perfect.”

The door to the larger room adjacent to hers creaked open. She hunkered under the quilt as if it was a shield and hid beneath it. When she heard the feet stop at the edge of her cage, she held her breath. The lock fell to the ground and the door opened without another word.

A low roar made her jump and scream. The quilt was quickly yanked away to reveal a lion man with what Charlie could only assume was a scowl. She hadn’t been that close to a lion before at all, not to mention one with human hands. The mane wasn’t as large as what she imagined the animals would be, but she didn’t think she was aware enough to argue. He wore just a pair of incredibly small shorts that was little more than boxers with a hole for his tail that swished angrily. He opened his mouth in a fiendish smile, and she squealed.

“Don’t eat me!” She yelled and scurried to the back of the cage, “I don’t want any of this furry nonsense. Let me go home!”

The lion’s eyes narrowed before he ran a hand down his face. He tossed an odd device at her and she tried to dodge it in her small captivity. Charlie started to hyperventilate from an oncoming panic attack until the lion roared directly in her face.

If she was wearing pants, she might have peed them.

The lion man took a deep breath and grabbed the metal trinket from between them. He gently held it between two fingers and offered it casually. It was triangular in shape with only a red stone that flickered on and off casually.

“Is that for me?” She pointed between it and herself.

The lion nodded.

“Whatthefuck,” She whispered as she pulled it from his hand.

He mimed moving his hair back and pointed at his ear. Charlie carefully examined it. She looked between it and the lion knelt in front of her, completely blocking any exit. He snarled impatiently and swiped it from her hand. She screamed as he dragged her from the cage and pinned her to the ground. His angry growls and unamused movements towards the cowering woman beneath him only intimated her further.

“Please don’t kill me,” She whispered, “Or at least kill me before you eat me.”

The lion snorted and brushed her sandy brown hair from her ear. She looked up into his big yellow eyes as he not-so-gently pushed the trinket into her ear.

Item acquired: Translation module. Magical item. This lovely device was curated to translate between any language necessary. To activate, simply hold next to the hearing orifice to soulbound with the item.

Passive affects: Translation ability

“Whatthefu—”

“Can you understand me now?” The lion grumbled, “Your screaming woke up the entire town, I’m sure.”

“Whatthefu—”

“Why didn’t you have a mod? Why did your sire let you—”

“WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. GOING. ON?”

“I should ask you that,” He moved from over her, “I found you barely alive yesterday and brought you back here.”

“I—” She laughed, “I must have fallen asleep watching Cats. That’s it. This is just a weird dream.”

“Cats?” He raised an eyebrow, “Is that what you call your leader?”

“I’m so confused.”

“Your leader. Or, lord? Is that the human term? Whatever you call him,” He pointed at her shoulder, “Where’s he? We should get you back to him.”

Charlie then remembered she was painfully naked in front of a lion. She squeaked and pulled the quilt over herself as a makeshift robe.

“Alright, calm down furless,” He chuckled, “We just need to get you back to your pride. I’m sure that—”

“Why do you think I have one?”

“You have the blessing of a Lion King,” He motioned to the back of his shoulder, “Although, I haven’t seen that one before.”

“Are you talking about my tattoo?” She blinked, “The lion on my shoulder?”

“Yes…? I haven’t seen any attunements like it either, but I’m not as experienced with—”

“It’s just a picture,” She said flatly, “Where am I? Who are you?”

“I’m Davon. You’re in Healing Oasis of Ferigor. Is that not…?”

“Oh, Lord. Please tell me I’m dreaming,” Charlie gripped her hair in her hands, “I have to be. Slap me so I know I’m dreaming.”

“I don’t think that –”

“Davon, I swear to God if you don’t –”

A furry hand slapped her hard enough that she knew, for a fact, she wasn’t asleep. Her eyes watered as she looked back to the bewildered lion man.

“You didn’t have to hit me that hard!”

“I didn’t know you were a priestess! I didn’t want to invoke the wrath of any god. Especially not one of my people’s if you have their mark!”

Charlie swallowed the panic that manifested as nausea. The lion man in front of her was real or she was having a vivid hallucination. She ran a hand through her hair to pull it from her face.

“Davon, it’s a tattoo. There’s nothing special about it besides, well–” She scrunched her nose, “Nothing special about it besides it’s pretty. Now, you are going to find me some clothes and explain some things to me.”

“I should probably tell my mom you’re awake first.”

“Your—your mom?!” She blinked, “How old are you?”

“I’m twelve. I know that’s quite old to live with your mother but—”

“Alright, I’m going to move past that can of worms,” She ran a hand down her face, “Get your mom, a map and give me some clothes.”

“Alright. If you want to follow me, we can get at least two of those things at the same time,” He nodded.

“Clothes first.”

“Nobody cares if you’re naked.”

“I do. I care,” She scoffed, “Clothes first.”

“I carried you through the entire village. Most people were more confused over your strange attunements and markings. Nudity is a common –”

“You are not helping,” She wrapped the quilt tighter around herself, “I’ll take a pair of your underwear there and something to cover my…”

Her hands waved in front of her breasts. Davon rolled his eyes.

“I’ll have to find something.”

“How hard is it to find a shirt?!” She groaned, “Literally just a shirt and underwear would be fine. Honestly, I’m not asking for much.”

“You are in a Leonie village.”

“What is a Leonie?”

Leonie (noun): a bipedal race of animorphs that resembles felines. Most common subracial branches are: lion, leopard, tiger, and jaguars. A group of Leonie is commonly referred to a “pride” or “glaring”. The plural form is dependent on the majority of Leonie subrace in the group.

“I am?” Davon blinked, “Your leader isn’t—?”

She rubbed her face, “Just go get me clothes while I try to sort out this mess.”

Davon huffed and left the room. He nearly slammed the door on his tail on his way out. Charlie rubbed her face and wondered what she got herself into. The room she was in was someone’s bedroom, though she couldn’t tell if it was her new Leonie friend’s or not. There wasn’t much decoration outside of what looked like a giant beanbag chair and a small desk.

“And he’s twelve? How does that—”

An animorph lion will display all physical attributes of lion.

Most physically powerful race of Leonie due to size. Cannot inherit magical abilities unless blessed directly or is attuned. All Leonie lions have a core set of racial attributes. Most share one of three key abilities.

Racial enhancement: Strength and dexterity

Racial abilities: Lion’s Roar, Pact of the Pride, Primal Hunter

Leonie lions reach sexual maturity at approximately ten years of age with an average life span of sixty years.

“And what exactly are you, all knowing voice?” Charlie said sarcastically, “Because you don’t sound like a subconscious.”

The cheery, disembodied voice did not reply.

“Alright, what can you tell me?”

Menu selected. Please choose from the following for more information: Status, Items, Maps, Magic.

“Let’s open the map?”

A translucent array gleamed in front of her. She swiped her hands through it and it rippled. Just like a computer processing a request, a slowly swirling ball rotated in the middle of the rectangular screen. After a few moments, the screen updated. A single word appeared in bright red, blocky font: ERROR. Underneath it was a frowny face icon that made Charlie scrunch her nose.

“How rude. Let’s try items, then.”

The blue interface sizzled away as the cheerful voice spoke again.

There are currently two items in your inventory. One translation mod and one ERROR.

“I don’t like how you keep saying error. Can you say something else?”

There are currently two items in your inventory. One translation mod and one UNKNOWN item.

“That sounds much less ominous. Can I see the item?”

Unable to conjure UNKNOWN item. UNKNOWN item. This UNKNOWN item has an UNKNOWN origin. This UNKNOWN item has an UNKNOWN shape, UNKNOWN size, and UNKNOWN description.

Active abilities: UNKNOWN

Passive abilities: UNKNOWN

To find out more about this unknown object, visit your nearest system administrator at your earliest convenience. The Administrator closest to you is UNKNOWN in UNKNOWN.

“That’s less ominous but still not helpful,” Charlie scratched her head, “Can I … use it?”

UNKNOW item currently unavailable for use. It will be usable again in UKNOWN hours.

“Perfect. What’s my menu again?”

Menu selected. Please choose from the following for more information: Overview, Status, Items, Maps, Magic.

“What’s my overview?”

Name: Charlotte Leah Watkins

Race: Terrestrial Anomaly

Class: UNKNOWN

Subclass: UNKNOWN

Level: UNKNOWN

“Yikes, I get it! Can you just –”

Status: UNKNOWN

Equipment Status: UNKNOWN

Location: UNKNOWN

Racial Abilities: UNKNOWN

Active Traits: UNKNOWN

Passive Traits: UNKNOWN

She waited patiently for the annoying robotic voice to stop speaking. When it was done, she sighed and pushed her hair from her face.

“What’s my status, then?”

Status: UNKNOWN health. UNKNOWN mana. UNKNOWN Stamina.

Four non-life-threatening afflictions currently in place that affect stamina and health: Starvation, Dehydration, Veisalgia, Solar Dermatitis.

“I didn’t go to med school. Can you speak plain English to me?”

Status: UNKNOW health, mana and stamina. You are also hungry, thirsty, hung over, and sunburnt.

“Thanks for clarifying that for me I guess,” She rolled her eyes.

The door opened and Davon stepped back into the room. He tossed a sheet to her.

“Put this on.”

“What am I supposed to do? Make a toga?” She paused, “Not a bad idea.”

Charlie narrowed her eyes at the obviously annoyed Leonie in front of her. She twirled her hand to motion for him to turn around as she fashioned herself a dress. He simply rolled his eyes at her. She then thought if his race had something similar to dog years, or if he was just like any other twelve-year-old boy.

The adjusted aging scale of humans to Leonie is 1 to 1.85. If a Leonie is twelve, he is roughly twenty-two in human age capacity.

“You can do math for me. That’s fantastic,” She mumbled under her breath as she tied a knot at her waist.

“Are you ready?”

“Yes. Take me to your mother.”