The Human From a Dungeon

Nick Smith

Adventurer Level: 5

Human - American

It wasn't an easy trek, but we did it. We managed to pull the cart all the way back to the village, with only a couple of rests along the way. Once we got to the guild hall, I breathed a heavy sigh of relief and looked around. More stares of shock, but this time they were looking at the wagon instead of me. A nice change.

"Alright," Nash said, sitting on the ground. "You two go in and inform them of the situation. Nick and I will rest here for a minute."

Yulk and the gnome went inside the guild and I promptly collapsed next to Nash. We were both drenched in sweat and panting. Something occurred to me, though.

"I thought you said you guys had magicarts," I chuckled.

"Well, we do, but they're expensive. You can't expect a minor merchant to own one," Nash spat to the side. "Plus, they're more for transportin' people anyway. Cost to weight ratio or somethin'."

"Yeah, makes sense I guess," I replied. "Fuck, I'm gonna sleep good tonight."

"Don't forget to stretch or you're gonna be sore during the dungeon dive. Not that we'll be fighting, but just in case."

I laughed, because I had been taught that you should stretch BEFORE strenuous exercise if you wanted to avoid hurting the next day. Or maybe it was cramping up during your workout. As I thought about it, though, another subject came to mind that I had been wondering about.

"Hey Nash, you know how the forest turns into a desert?" I asked.

"Yeah," he replied curtly.

"Why is the cutoff so sudden? Isn't there usually like a buffer area between different climates?"

"Kid, I don't fuckin' know. That's just how the wastes are. It goes forest, desert, swamp, and then another forest. It's something to do with the Cataclysm Wars. Big ol' spells that warped the landscape or some such," he said irritably. "And before you ask, I don't know much about those wars. All I know is that the last one ended more than a thousand years ago, and it was bad enough that there weren't many history books at that point. You're better off askin' Yulk."

I nodded and decided to leave it at that. We had a few minutes to relax before an unexpectedly large group of people followed Yulk and Imlor out of the guild. A few of them looked curiously at me, but the rest were gaping at the wagon. Nima was standing next to Yulk with a shocked expression as well.

"I am SO sorry," she said. "We thought there were no more than a dozen of them!"

"It's fine, Nima," Nash laughed. "We didn't even get injured. Well, except maybe my back pullin' this damn wagon."

"Wait, so you four took on fifty giant rats and didn't even get so much as nibbled?" one of the orcs asked incredulously.

"Oh no, no sir! It was just those three! I wasn't any help at all," Imlor answered. "As a matter of fact, the rats were going to eat me and these three rescued me!"

"It was fifty-four," Nash interjected.

"It only felt like forty," I grinned.

Nash treated me to a glare and Nima ushered us inside. Inside the guild was much nicer than the outside of the guild, and I found myself wondering how they handled air conditioning. Before I could ask, we were at the counter and Nima was opening a locked box.

"Okay, so fifty four pelts is one hundred and eight coppers, plus twenty-five for the fruit and thirty for the false-mint. That's one hundred and sixty-three coppers," she said.

"Do we get extreme hazard pay?" Yulk asked.

"Sure do. That's another hundred coppers, bringing the total to two sixty-three. Since you're splitting it three ways I guess you won't mind if I just round that up to one silver each?"

"That's very generous of you," Nash smiled flirtatiously.

"Indeed," Yulk added. "Now Nick can afford some armor. We can stop by a smith on the way home."

"A smith? Won't the weight of metal armor slow me down? Do smiths make leather armor?" I asked.

Three sets of orc eyes gazed at me as if I had grown another head. Nima cocked her head and Yulk opened his mouth to say something but then shut it again, obviously confused by my questions. Did I miss something, or is metal lighter here than back on Earth?

"Leather... armor?" Nash asked.

"Yeah," I replied. "You know, light armor."

"Yeah, no. Light armor is still made of metal. You know leather is made of skin, right?"

"Well of course," I said insulted. "But two sets of skin are better than one. Plus you can move better."

"That's fuckin' dumb. First off," he began, "regular leather isn't stopping anything. Swords slash through it, arrows penetrate it. Might as well wear cloth, which is much lighter than leather."

"Well what about hardened leather, though? Or enchanted?" I challenged.

"Hardened leather? You mean boiled leather? That goes OVER armor. You don't wear that by itself. You'll need to be wearing chain or plate underneath it. I've heard of some people wearing padded cloth under it, but you'll still end up heavier than just wearing a cuirass," Nash snorted.

"He's right. Also, enchanting is a very time consuming and expensive process that can damage the item that's being enchanted. The more resistant to damage something is, the better the odds of the process succeeding. Leather wouldn't stand a chance, I'm afraid," Yulk added.

"Well... alright," I said, feeling like an idiot.

"C'mon, let's go see about getting you something to protect your vitals," Nash said.

I was lost in thought as we left the guild. I'd seen plenty of examples of leather armor in video games, tv shows, and movies. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that Nash was right. Every real life example I'd seen had the person wearing something under the leather. Well, excluding cosplay. I was so engrossed in my thoughts that I almost didn't notice that we were passing Irana's shop.

"Hey, hold on a moment," I stopped.

"Oh come on, Nick. She'll take your whole coin!" Nash protested.

"She gave me a sword for free, how bad can her prices actually be?" I put my hands on my hips.

"Fine! Learn the hard way," Nash growled as he pushed me aside and strode into her shop.

Yulk and I quickly followed. The smell of the shop hit me like baseball bat. There was the distinct smell of metal in the air, with a hint of hot coal, body odor, and a strangely sweet scent as well. Like burnt honey. It was also brighter than I expected. A shining globe was hanging from the ceiling by a chain, casting enough light to make all the armor and swords gleam brilliantly.

I took a look around while Nash and Irana were doing their shtick. There were swords of all sizes, and some of them were in shapes I haven't seen before. She also had plenty of armor, including an obviously well-crafted full set of plate-mail. I gazed into the glowering slits of the visor before my eyes fell on the reflection of the chest piece. Behind me was something very interesting. A cuirass with strange engravings.

I turned to examine the cuirass. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. It was glimmering more than anything else in the shop, and the engravings were enrapturing. I had to actually stop myself from reaching out to touch it.

"That's a good piece," Irana said, ignoring Nash for a moment. "You wanna examine it?"

"Yeah, is that okay?" I asked.

"Sure, just wipe your prints after and don't drop it."

I lifted the cuirass with both hands, expecting it to be heavy, but it was so much lighter than I thought. Suspiciously light. I checked the sides, and noted that it was at least a quarter inch thick. It was also padded with cloth and had leather straps holding it together. I gave it a gentle tap and it replied with a soft clang. Then I returned it to its place and wiped it with the sleeve of my shirt.

"Where'd you get THAT?" Nash asked.

"It was a trade-in. An adventurer broke their sword and needed a new one, but didn't have any coin," Irana said. "He said it's enchanted, but I don't believe him. Twenty coppers, if you want it."

"Enchanted..." I mumbled.

"You're gonna want more than that. Something to block with, namely. I'm guessing Nash hasn't been teaching you about blocking," she laughed.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Nash demanded.

"When's the last time you actually blocked a strike, you fucking tree-trunk?"

"Well I don't NEED to block because I'm not made of glass!"

"What else would I need?" I interrupted.

The two orcs glared at each other for a moment before turning to look at me.

"You'll want arm and leg guards," Irana said. "Maybe a helmet. I'll have to take your measurements, though. I doubt I have anything that will fit you pre-made."

"Yeah, and how much will that run him?" Nash asked.

"Twenty for the cuirass, ten for each arm and leg guard, and twenty for the helmet. It'll take about a week," she answered.

"Eighty? Okay, we can do that. If I give you a full silver can you have it done by the end of the week?" I asked.

"By the end of the week?" she sputtered. "Fuckin' hell, Nick. Didn't take you for a taskmaster!"

"I'm not!" I protested. "It's just that we'll be going into the dungeon with over-twenties at the end of the week and I want to be prepared."

She was silent for a moment and then tapped her fingers as she thought about it. Then she hemmed and hawed and rubbed the back of her neck. Finally, she gave a big sigh and shrugged.

"If we skip the helm I can work with Gertho and make it happen. Let's get you measured," she said. "We'll get your head too, just in case you want one later."

Irana gestured for me to stand on a small shelf next to her counter, and I complied. Then she pulled out a long piece of rope with lines and symbols on it. She held it next to my thigh and forearm, and then measured my head. Once she was done, she grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil and wrote something on it.

"Alright, all done. Come see me before your dungeon dive and I'll get you fitted up. Are you able to pay half in advance?" she asked.

"I only have the one silver coin, so I'll just give it to you now," I said, pulling the coin out of my pocket and giving it to her.

"Thank you so much. Pleasure doing business with you!" she called out as we left the shop.

Nash was grumbling the rest of the way home, calling Irana every foul name that he can think of. He may not know how to read, but he's extremely verbose when it comes to profanity. It was so bad that a mother covered the ears of her child as we passed and gave him a death-glare, which he ignored.

An appetizing scent grabbed my attention as we entered the house. Yilda was a great mom, and an even better cook. One of her titles was Legendary Chef of Graluka, a kingdom far to the south that was run by elves and dwarves. Every night she had made a wonderful dinner and told stories of her exploits. Whenever she did, Nash and Yulk listened as if they were enraptured.

"Boys!" she called from the kitchen. "Well, that better be my boys at least. Devils help you if you're..."

"It's us, mom!" Nash interrupted as we strode into the kitchen. "Sorry we didn't come home last night. After training we decided to get Nick registered and take some jobs."

Yilda waved a spoon at us and said, "Yeah, yeah. Nima told on you. We'll discuss proper consequences later. Once dinner's done you can tell me how Nick did on his first adventure!"

She turned and smiled at me, and I couldn't help but smile back. Nash and Yulk, on the other hand, had an entirely different expression. The kind I had only seen on the victims in horror movies once they realized their situation was truly hopeless. Naturally, this made me nervous and I silently prayed that I wasn't going to face these consequences alongside them.

We sat silently as she finished preparing dinner. Once the pot hit the table I noticed something strange about the stew inside of it. It wasn't just meat! My shocked expression caused Yilda to chuckle.

"I talked to a trader yesterday and got some vegetables. Specifically, bulives and combumber. They're safe for us to eat, and should tide you over until we can find a more permanent solution to your dietary needs," she explained.

"We can eat these?" Nash said as he held up one of the olive-looking vegetables.

"Of course we can. We can stomach most vegetables, but they don't provide any nutritional value to us. Isn't that right, Yulk?" she asked.

"Yes, mother. In the capital they add vegetables to dishes for flavor and texture," he added.

"That's where I got the idea," Yilda beamed. "Now get your bowls loaded up and tell me your tales."

She listened intently as we explained what happened. Her eyes widened when Yulk told her about my training session with Nash and the meeting with Gluhern, and her jaw dropped when Nash told her my level. Then we explained the jobs that we took, and she nodded solemnly when we told her of the rats. She laughed when we told her about my armor order.

"Irana might have a crush on you, child," she said. "She'd never work so cheap otherwise."

"Maybe she's just trying to piss Nash off," Yulk laughed. "If so, she's succeeding quite admirably."

"Nuffin' admirable 'bout it," Nash growled through a face full of food.

Yilda suddenly grew concerned, "Have either of you explained to him about the... anatomical incompatibility between orcs and other species?"

Nash nearly choked on his food. I looked at the three orcs, unable to hide my confusion. Yulk shared my expression of puzzlement. After a few moments of silence, Yilda placed her hands on her face and her elbows on the table, quietly murmuring to herself about something. Finally, she slammed her hands on the table.

"Alright, I'll do it then," she stated.

"Mom! No!" Nash nearly screamed. "I'll do it! Just give me some time to think of what to say!"

"No, you've had plenty of time. You know how the young girls like to flirt with non-orcs and you know what happens if things go too far! Dammit, it should have been the first thing you told him!" she shouted.

I sat silent as all three pairs of eyes turned to me, suddenly feeling very nervous. Anatomical incompatibility? Like what, can't have babies or something? Why would that matter, I'm not interested in getting another girlfriend. Even if I don't have Cass physically, I have her deep in my heart and have no interest in trying to replace her.

"Nick," she began. "I'm not making any assumptions regarding your intentions with the young maidens of our quaint village, but there's something that you need to know regarding orc sexual organs."

Nash was covering his ears at this point, and Yulk looked as if he finally understood what was going on. I wanted to interrupt her, but curiosity got the better of me.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Orcs cannot have sex with anyone other than other orcs. Attempting to typically results in fatal wounds to the non-orcs genitalia," she answered.

I sat stunned for a moment before weakly uttering, "How?"

"Orcs have bones in certain sensitive spots that are exposed when they become... aroused. When two orcs... get intimate, these bones grind against each other causing a... pleasurable sensation," she tentatively explained. "Unfortunately, these bones are quite sharp."

"Sharper even then our teeth!" Yulk added cheerily.

"That's enough, Yulk," Yilda scolded him. "Anyways, Nick, if an orc woman propositions you, just say no."

I felt the blood drain from my face as I imagined the implications. Many, many questions ran through my head at once and I was too horrified to keep myself from asking them.

"B-but what about..." I began.

"We have bones there too," Nash interrupted with a pleading expression. "For the love of all that is good, Nick, don't make my mom explain any more of this. I'm begging you."

"I... okay," I said weakly. "Okay. Um... yeah, good to know. Thankfully I already have someone, so I'm certain I won't be tempted."

"Well that's good. Becoming a eunuch at your age would be very bad for you mental health and physical development," Yulk chuckled.

Yilda glared at Yulk before turning back to me and asking, "You already have someone? From your world?"

"Yes, her name is Cassandra," I replied. "She's... beautiful."

"Tell us about her," Yilda smiled.

I clenched my jaw to hold back the tide of emotions welling up from within me. After taking a deep breath through my nose I told my new family everything about Cassandra. How we met in our middle school history class, how I goofily asked her to our school dance, my excitement when she agreed to be my girlfriend, our first kiss under the moonlight on my roof, and eventually about her cancer diagnosis.

I explained how the doctors said she didn't have long left, and I couldn't help but break down as I told them about my promise to her. Each tear betrayed the emotions I had been trying desperately to crush. Anger at my failure to control myself rose within me, but it was vastly overshadowed by the desolation I felt. I wept uncontrollably until Nash placed his hand on my shoulder to comfort me in a moment of tender kindness.

Finally, I was once again able to control myself and I wiped the tears from my face. I looked up at the three orcs with determination plain on my face. As I met their eyes, I knew I had to tell them my intent once and for all.

"I'm going to find a way back to her," I said.

Silence filled the room as the realization struck home with my new family. As the seconds ticked by, I felt my insides churn. They had been nothing but good to me, and I felt so ungrateful to them for wanting to go back. What if they decided that I was saying that they aren't good enough to stay with and kick me to the curb? What will I do then? Will anyone be willing to help me once the Alta clan turns their back on me?

"We'll help," Nash replied.