The Hero Who Returned From Death Quits

EP7. At the End of Darkness

Ainzel was speechless for a moment and stared at Beatrice. Then, he hugged Beatrice, who was lying down, in an awkward position.

There was a cool, calming scent, like mint. Ainzel tried hard not to feel the sensation in his arms and released his arms from her embrace.

“…Is it okay now?”

“Fuck, you know what I’m talking about, but you’re talking nonsense.”

Ainzel tried hard to keep his senses. He felt that if he crossed the line now, it might feel good now, but he would regret it later.

“…Why are you suddenly doing this?”

Beatrice wiped the expression from her smiling face, covered her eyes with her right arm, and answered.

“I just felt frustrated. I lived without knowing anything, but so many things happened… I wanted to forget about God and everything, so I drank alcohol. I don’t know. That’s why. I just wanted to forget everything.”

Beatrice said so and giggled.

“It’s funny. You always talk about God and all that stuff, but now that this has happened, you’re blaming God… And yet… .”

Beatrice looked at Ainzel and said.

“You know what? I actually went to Calethion to die.”

“…I knew it.”

“Huh? You knew? That’s surprising. I thought you were following me because you didn’t know me. Then why did you follow me?”

Ainzel felt a little uneasy at her completely transformed way of speaking. He wondered if this was her true form, and then answered her voice.

“…because I knew I couldn’t convince you.”

“You couldn’t convince me… Yes, that’s probably true. Even if you, the warrior, had tried to turn back time and convince my past self, I would have gone all over Calethion. Do you know why I went there?”

“Until then, I don’t know.”

“Ah- I see. Then can you listen to me? It looks like I’m being treated badly, and if I don’t find a way to resolve it, I feel like I’m going to go crazy from frustration.”

“Yes, go ahead.”

Ainzel sat down on the bed next to where Beatrice was lying. Beatrice took Ainzel’s hand.

“…So, the first time I received the offer to go to Calethion was from the Vatican.”

“yes.”

“I honestly panicked. I knew it was a dangerous place. To be honest, I also didn’t want to die.”

Beatrice smiled bitterly.

“But, even knowing that, I couldn’t reject those words. Faith… Yes, because of faith. I’ve learned nothing else in life than to follow faith, so what can I do? I have to follow it. But… I was still scared.

I think it was around that time that I realized that the burden on my shoulders had become too heavy for a human being to bear.”

Ainzel looked at her face. There was a smile on her face that seemed somewhat relieved.

“Well, I just didn’t know anything other than how to follow God since I was young. It was the same when I was growing up, and even more so after I was chosen as a saint. As a saint living in the empire, there was nothing I chose to see or do throughout my life.

So, all I could do was say, ‘Yes.’ What can I do? It’s all for the good of humanity.

But, but… I think I’m just an ordinary person who mechanically follows the faith, but people seem to expect too much from me. Because I’m a saint, because I’m a leader of a religious order. I tried to endure it that way, but the weight on my shoulders was too heavy.”

Beatrice said, tossing her silver hair back and forth.

“So… I was just going to die. A saint who died fighting on the front lines to protect people. What a great story. I thought that would be a great excuse.”

Beatrice closed her eyes.

“But I didn’t want to die. I’ve never had my own mind or thoughts in my entire life, but for the first time, I felt my own emotions. I didn’t want to die…”

Beatrice began to shed tears little by little from her eyes.

“But, the people who followed me, the people who praised me, all died. Because of me. I, who was actually planning to die, didn’t die. The unholy thought of wanting to somehow preserve this miserable life crept up in me, and I felt so pathetic.”

Beatrice wiped away her tears with her hand.

“But now, the Senate says that my presence is an obstacle to the unity of humanity and the survival of humanity. I am an obstacle to humanity. I have followed God my entire life, and I have only learned and thought about helping people my entire life, but they say that I should not be there for that.”

Beatrice smiled, gritting her teeth and shedding tears.

“Isn’t it funny? My entire life has been denied. Everything I’ve experienced since I was a child has been denied. So… So I felt so deeply in my chest that I couldn’t come to my senses. I wanted to die because I couldn’t handle one person’s expectation, but the people who actually wanted to live and were barely able to live died because of my complacency, and now even my life has been denied. I have nothing now.”

“…Is that so?”

Ainzel could feel her grip on his hand tighten.

“Obviously, obviously, the fact that humanity is united… that we are all fighting together against evil… should be a joyous thing, but why does my heart ache so much? It feels like I can hear the voice of God telling me to help people right now, but what am I doing right now? Traveling, seeing the scenery, eating delicious food, drinking a lot of alcohol, and then complaining? I… .”

“It will be okay.”

“How do you know that?”

“No matter how difficult things are, everyone eventually adapts.”

Ainzel recalled his past. The pain, the fear, the death. Everything had faded away.

Yes, perhaps it is not overcoming, but adaptation. It is not that we have acquired the will to overcome pain, fear, and countless deaths, but rather that we have become so accustomed to suffering, to being in terrifying situations, and to dying that we have learned to surrender ourselves to the torrent of these things and be swept away, as if we were being swept away by waves.

But now, looking at her in pain like this, he thought that maybe she would not just adapt, but would be able to overcome the pain someday. Watching her foolishly drinking alcohol and seducing him, the most un-saintly behavior, Ainzel felt most keenly why she was a saint.

Even though she couldn’t even embrace her own pain, she was crushed by the pressure and was embracing everyone’s pain with her body. Even though she was in a miserable situation, she knew how to suffer for those who died because of her. Seeing that will, that heart that couldn’t even be compared to that of the criminal that was him, he thought. She would definitely be able to overcome it.

“How do you know that, my lord? I have lived my entire life holding on to my faith. Like it or not, I will continue to believe in God and act for my faith. I will feel pain for those who die on the battlefield, and I will cheer for the Senate that rejected me. But, can the pain that my faith gives me disappear?”

“Yes, definitely.”

“How?”

“…I will make it happen somehow. I will definitely let you know that there are other things in this world besides faith. … You said this is your first time traveling.”

“Yes. It’s my first time here. The scenery… the people… there’s so much I don’t know.”

“I will show you the ‘way ordinary people live’ that you have never seen before, away from the holy land filled with only white buildings. I will show you how much there is beyond the walls of faith that you are trapped in.”

“That’s nonsense. That’s nonsense. I can be liberated from the values ​​I’ve built up my whole life, from the faith I’ve believed in my whole life? That’s… nonsense… I can’t do it.”

Ainzel looked at her quietly.

“But, if that is true.”

Tears continued to flow from Beatrice’s eyes.

“If only I could truly be free from this pain and faith.”

Beatrice reached out to Ainzel. Beatrice hugged Ainzel tightly and said.

“Save me… .”

Ainzel hugged her as she pleaded with him.

“Save me from my faith….”