The Head In My Hands

On Thursdays they drank at a small, local bar only 2 or 3 miles from the main drag. Thursdays, because it was a day they were both technically off from work. And that specific bar because, well, it served more than alcohol and Marley’s ragtag group of friends have been going there since they were teens.

Marley’s only on his second glass of brandy when Emrys takes a swig of his fourth, not so much as grimacing as he downs it in the dim glow of the bar. The rich, smooth liquor seems to barely touch the edges of Emrys’ fatigue.

“I can't believe he thought that was a good idea! Levitating an entire bookshelf during class? They were supposed to be practising with quills, Marley! Quills!” Emrys’s voice rises above the low murmur of other patrons and the occasional clink of glasses.

Marley hid a smile behind his glass, swirling the liquid with a light movement as he watched the soft flicker of the bar’s neon sign dance across Emrys’ face. "You know, you did similar things at that age. Remember when you set all those scrolls on fire during a basic protection spell?"

"That was different," Emrys protested, whined–although Marley knew his best friend would deny it–, though a grin tugged at his lips. "I at least knew when to stop before the whole room went up in flames. Blake just kept insisting he could handle it. Papers flying everywhere, books teetering on the edge... I swear, it’s like they’re trying to turn the classroom into a battlefield." He shook his head, but there was a certain fondness in his tone.

"Sounds like they’re just following in your footsteps," Marley teased, leaning his full weight against the bar, feeling the rough wood beneath his fingers.

"But you’ve always been good with them. Letting them make mistakes before stepping in—it’s not something every professor can do." He glanced at Emrys, his voice softening as the dim light of the bar cast a warm glow over their conversation. "They’re lucky to have you. Not everyone would have that kind of patience."

Emrys chuckled, though there was a flicker of doubt in his eyes. "Patience? They’re driving me insane… But… I suppose it’s worth it when they finally get it right." He leaned back in his chair, letting out a long breath as the bar’s familiar, comforting atmosphere wrapped around them. "I just hope they don’t blow up the classroom before the semester is over."

Marley watched Emrys, lips quirked in a soft smile as the bar’s warm glow enveloped them. “Sounds like you’re managing better than you think. Personally, I think a little ‘insanity’ fits you.”

“Maybe so.” Emrys hummed, bumping his shoulder against Marley’s as they sat side by side, the low hum of conversation and clinking glasses creating a cosy backdrop.

Marley fought the urge to lean into him, into his warmth. “This week’s just been a rollercoaster,” Emrys groaned, taking another swig from his pint glass. “On top of Blake being an absolute disaster, I had to help Mr. Wilson, the charms teacher—you remember—with his new initiative, and then sort through all the paperwork left on Mrs. Parker’s desk. It’s like they all decided to team up and test my patience.”

Marley glanced up from his own drink, raising an eyebrow as he surveyed the dimly lit bar, with its eclectic mix of vintage signs and mismatched furniture, thinking. “Sounds like a lot of work. I thought you described your team as ‘lively and organised’?” He takes a sip, “Doesn’t sound very organised to me.”

Emrys rolled his eyes, but the gesture was more affectionate than exasperated. “Yeah, ‘lively’ is definitely one way to put it. They’re organised in their own chaotic way, but they’re still great. Sometimes things get messier than they can handle, and so they– ugh, get a bit flaky? I would explain better but it's uh, teacher things? It makes sense in my head.” Emrys gives a sheepish smile, seemingly frustrated with his own lack of words.

Marley’s lips flatten into a line before he forces them to soften, smiling. “That's alright, it's a mess– I know my own co-workers get like that sometimes.” He assures.

Emrys brightens, bumping against Marley's shoulder again , this time with more energy. “Yeah! You get it!”

“So–!” He starts on a new train of thought, “you remember when I was telling you about–”, “I do”, “Yeah! So I–”.

Marley watched Emrys as the man rambled, the low light of the bar casting a warm glow over their conversation, with the only heart needed to ignore everything else.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

The teahouse was warm, sunlight filtering through glass windows and casting patterns on the worn wooden floor.

The gentle hum of conversation blended with the faint clinking of cups, creating a comforting backdrop that momentarily dulled the cold ache lurking in Marley’s bones. He leaned back in his chair, a soft smile tugging at his lips as he listened to Emma’s animated chatter about Xi—her ‘best friend’ if that’s all they were.

Her excitement spilled over like an overfilled cup. “...and you should have seen the way she explained that project! She was so passionate, it was like watching magic happen!”

Marley nodded, resting his chin on his hand, letting her warmth wash over him. He could feel his heart swell a little, knowing how much Emma admired Xi. Her eyes sparkled with every word, and for a moment, the shadows of his own doubts and discomfort faded. How lucky they were to have someone like her in their lives.

“Honestly, it’s like she lights up a room. I was so proud of her!” Emma continued, her cheeks tinged pink. Marley’s smile lingered, but a familiar tightness settled in his chest. He shifted in his seat.

“So… have either of you talked to Xi lately?” Emma asked, her tone casual but her cheeks still flushed.

Marley smirked, leaning back in his chair despite the slight wince he couldn’t suppress. “Oh, someone’s blushing! What’s going on there?”

Emma shot him a playful glare. “I am not!”

Khairi leaned in, grinning. “You are too! You’re totally obsessed– how am I just now seeing this–? You’ve been talking about her non-stop!”

Emma huffed, crossing her arms defensively. “I’m not obsessed! Can a girl not appreciate her friends now?”

Marley raised an eyebrow, the teasing light in his eyes momentarily masking the weight. “Right, right. Just ‘appreciating’ your best friend.”

“Exactly!” Emma insisted, her tone a mix of annoyance and fondness. “What’s wrong with talking about my roommate?”

“Nothing at all,” Khairi chimed in, laughter bubbling just below the surface. “But you can’t deny that there’s something more going on.”

Emma rolled her eyes but couldn’t hide her smile. “Okay, fine! Maybe I think she’s great. But that doesn’t mean I have a crush!”

“Sure…” Marley replied, the teasing glint still in his eyes, even as a twinge of discomfort shot through him. “Just don’t forget about us while you’re busy swooning over her.”

“Please, I’m not swooning!” Emma retorted, squinting.

Marley leaned back, his grin widening but a hint of strain in his posture. “You know, Emma, it’s totally okay to admit you have a little crush. We all do it.”

“Yeah,” Khairi added, her tone mock-serious. “Just think about how happy you’d be if you told her. You could be the cute couple everyone raves about!”

Emma’s eyes widened, and she waved her hands dismissively. “Okay, first of all, not a couple! And second, I don’t need to broadcast my feelings like I’m on a reality show!”

Marley chuckled, leaning in a little closer, wincing slightly as he adjusted his weight. “But imagine the dramatic music playing in the background. ‘Will Emma confess her feelings to Xi before it’s too late?’”

Khairi giggled, humming off the tune to ‘The Match Game’ to further edge Emma on.

Emma groaned, burying her face in her hands but laughing all the same. “You two are the worst!”

Khairi grinned, nudging her gently. “Just think about it. If you don’t say something, we might have to start planning an intervention.”

“I will not be part of your ‘Get Emma to Confess’ operation!” she shot back, though her smile betrayed her amusement.

Emma smirked, arms crossed. “Oh, come on! You two have no room to talk about crushes when we all know you’re just as guilty. Especially not you, Marley.”

Marley sputtered, caught off guard. “Me? What are you even talking about?”

Khairi leaned in, grinning. “Please! You practically light up like a Christmas tree every time Emrys walks into the room.”

Marley felt his cheeks heat. “I do not! You’re making that up.”

Emma laughed. “Riiiiight. Or that time when you nearly knocked over that potion last week just because he smiled at you? I’m making that up too?”

“Okay, that was one time!” Marley shot back, sounding indignant.

Khairi raised an eyebrow. “Come on, man, you know it’s true. You’re the king of crushes, how long has it been? Eleven years?.”

“Yeah, and don’t forget your special brand of ‘admiration’ for Emrys,” Emma chimed in, a teasing glint in her eye. “It’s not exactly subtle.”

Marley groaned, slumping in his chair, cheeks flushing– not different from Emma only a moment ago. “And you say *I’m* the worst. Ugh. Why are we talking about me anyways? We were just ragging Emma!”

Emma's playful smirk faded into a more serious expression. “But really, Marley, why haven’t you done anything about your crush on Emrys? I feel like you’ve waited long enough.”

“Is that really for you to decide?” He said, awkward, and shifted in his chair, the familiar ache in his body flaring up as he tried to sit comfortably. “I don’t know. It’s complicated. What if he doesn’t feel the same way?”

Khairi leaned forward, resting her elbows on the table. “Come on, man. You can’t keep playing it safe forever. Have you seen the way that man looks at you? It’s like he’s got his own little spark whenever you’re around.”

“Yeah, and that’s just it!” Marley exclaimed, his voice rising a bit too high for the cosy teahouse. “What if it’s just friendly? What if I read everything wrong?” The tension in his shoulders tightened, mirroring the knots in his stomach.

Emma softened her tone, leaning closer. “Marley, you’re not the only one who worries about these things, I mean- you’ve heard me rant ad nauseam for hours- But if you don’t say anything, you’ll never know. It’s like… you’re holding onto this secret and missing out on something great.”

He felt a flare of frustration, but tried to still his voice. “Easy for you to say– You don’t– You don’t get it. You don't know what it’s like to feel this way and then have your body betray you. What if I get hurt and he leaves– what if he sees how weak I am…?”

Khairi frowned, her brows furrowing. “You’re not weak, Marley. You’re one of the strongest people I know.”

Marley shook his head, rubbing at the ache in his neck. “But that doesn’t change anything. I– I can barely keep it together half the time. I’m not ready— I can’t add more complications to that.”

Emma’s eyes softened with concern, but it only made him feel more exposed. “You deserve to be happy, you know? Just take a chance.”

“Easier said than done,” he replied, the bitterness creeping into his voice. “You think I want to risk getting hurt on top of everything else? It’s not like I’m just going to wake up one day and be fine.”

Khairi sighed, her expression a mix of frustration and empathy. “But if you don’t try, you’ll always wonder.”

Marley leaned back, the ache in his chest swelling as he glanced away. “I’m tired of wondering. I’m just… tired.”

He sighed grumbling to himself before speaking. “Maybe I’ll think about it,” he muttered, though the words felt heavy, laden with doubt.

“Just think fast,” Khairi added with a half-hearted grin. “Or I might just take matters into my own hands.”

Marley huffed and sat back in his chair, the warmth of the teahouse contrasting sharply with the chill steadily creeping into his bones. He was caught in a whirlwind of thoughts, each one swirling like the steam rising from his cup. What if Emrys really didn’t like him? The idea gnawed at him, a persistent ache that echoed the physical discomfort simmering beneath the surface.

He’s just being friendly, Marley reasoned, pushing away the flicker of hope that dared to ignite. Why would someone like Emrys ever look at someone like me? Why does he keep me around? The self-doubt felt familiar, an old companion that clung to him tighter than any physical ailment. He could picture Emrys’s smile, the way his laughter filled the room, and it twisted something deep inside Marley. Emrys deserves someone whole, not someone broken and tired.

Emma’s words felt distant. “You deserve to be happy.” But what did happiness even look like for him? All he could see were setbacks and missed opportunities, a path lined with his own inadequacies.

The thought made his heart ache in a way that felt almost physical, as if the weight of his worries was pressing down on him. Great.

When he finally spoke, his voice was low, almost a whisper. “Honestly? I don’t think Emrys likes me like that. He’s… well, he’s Emrys, you know him. He’s got the world at his feet. And what do I have to offer him? A list of limitations and a body that doesn’t always cooperate?” He rubbed his temples, the familiar throb of a headache beginning to form.

Khairi leaned in, concern etched on her face. “Marley, that’s not true. I’ve talked to him–Emrys doesn’t care for any of that! He cares for you. You’re his best friend! You bring something to his life that no one else can.”

Emma nodded vigorously. “Exactly! He’s drawn to your personality, your heart. You make him laugh, you understand him in ways that others don’t. That’s what matters, not some checklist of what you think you should be.”

Marley shook his head, feeling the heaviness in his chest settle deeper. “But even if he did like me, what good would it do? I can’t give him what he needs. I’m not that guy.” The finality in his tone left little room for argument, but it was weary.

Khairi reached across the table, her hand resting gently on his. “You need to stop seeing yourself like that. You are enough, Marley. Just being yourself is more than enough for Emrys– hell, it's more than enough for us.

“Maybe,” Marley conceded, but the word felt hollow.

Emma frowned, her brow furrowing with concern. “I just– I don’t know, Marley. It’s hard to believe that you really think Emrys wouldn’t like you. I mean, how can you not see it?” Her voice wavered slightly. He hated this.

Khairi leaned closer, her expression warm and supportive. “You have to give yourself some credit. Emrys isn’t the type to get up and leave even if he didn’t like you ‘in that way’. You mean a lot to him.” She paused, choosing her next words carefully. “You can’t be so hard on yourself. You’re so much more than that.”

Marley shook his head, the familiar ache of self-doubt creeping back in. “I don’t know, I… don’t know.”

“I’m always falling short. I don’t want to put Emrys in a position where he feels like he has to take care of me.” He rubbed the back of his neck, a gesture that betrayed the tension lingering in his body. He swallows, shakes his head and with it, the tension. “It’s just… easier to focus on something else. What’s going on with you, Emma? How’s your project with Xi going?”

Emma’s expression softened but she didn’t let him off the hook that easily. “You can’t just deflect, Marley. We’re here to talk about you, too. This is important.”

“I know, but let’s talk about something else for a bit, please?” His voice is sad, strained. He doesn’t bother to hide it.

Emma frowns, but nods. Khairi buts her shoulder against his.

“Khairi, didn’t you mention needing to work on your notes for that patient? How’s that going?” Marley tried to shift the conversation away from his insecurities, hoping to redirect their attention.

“Actually, I did! I think his complaints have been due to an allergy, so I was hoping you might know some alternative? You always have the best insights.” She forces a laugh, he can tell.

Marley felt a flicker of relief wash over him. “Yeah? I’d love to help. Just tell me what you’re working with.” The shift in focus allowed him to breathe a little easier. He could ignore it, just like everything else.