The Charismatic Glass Cannon

I won’t bore you with too much backstory, but let me give you the important bits. I’ll get you up to speed on everything that happened right before my brother, and I descended into the dungeon with 30 levels before us to complete. Right at the point I found myself wearing a loincloth, cornered by a couple of Gym Rats knowing that if we died our families could be trapped forever. And, if you think I’m talking about a Gym Rat as in a guy who goes to the gym a lot you would be wrong. Well, partially wrong. I mean a literal Gym Rat, a creature with the body of a bodybuilder and a rat face. I’ll give you a better description once you catch up.

Alright where to begin…

The entire world was tuned into NASA’s broadcast. A speaker from the Planetary Defense Coordination Office came on jabbering about how hard they were all working filling up airtime. So far, it was just like the last time. I was waiting for the live footage to start. Just a few months ago, most of the world didn’t even know that this was something NASA did–the whole planet defense thing. I know I didn’t. Standing next to him was Mlon Ezos owner and CEO of BEYOND spacecraft and eccentric billionaire.

The two men were a stark contrast from one another. On one side, you had the balding government man in a black suit, and on the other, Mlon Ezos wearing a hoodie, his full head of thick blonde hair going past his shoulders. He looked like he should be surfing instead of co-hosting humanity’s potential end. He had a nose like Owen Wilson and his other features were similar. Really, Mlon could be described as Hansel from Zoolander, except with his intelligence cranked up. He was also a huge nerd which I think was one of the few things that humanized him. Oh, he was also a sadistic self-centered fuck. That last opinion was one I only recently came to have. Before that, I didn’t really admit it, but I was a fan boy.

The first two missions DART 2 and DART 3 both had failed, and the asteroid was quickly approaching Earth. DART 3 had even used a barrage of nuke’s but that had no effect on its trajectory. Everyone’s social media feeds were stuffed full of news articles consistently saying the same thing 97% chance of collision consensus amongst scientists worldwide. The Government had thrown, rightfully so, a heap of cash at BEYOND spacecraft–the foremost contractor in the field of rockets. The BEYOND spacecraft titled HLP or Humanities Last Hope was nearing its approach.

Live video feed from the rocket was now broadcast worldwide. The whole world watched beating all the viewership records of all the Super Bowls, the Apollo Moon landing, and all the Swifties that attended Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour combined. The surface of the asteroid was undulating like in the videos from DART 2 and DART 3. The cameras on the BEYOND spacecraft were leagues beyond that of the previous cameras and the previous cameras were pretty good. It looked pretty good on our new TV. I was glad I convinced my wife to allow me to get it.

Like I got to enjoy it for long…

The rocket hovered above the surface of the asteroid, with the live feed cycling through different views. We were currently seeing a viewpoint from a giant selfie stick protruding out of the rocket. I bet NASA had a fancy name for it, but it looked like a selfie stick.

HLP had one major difference from the other two previously launched spacecraft’s beyond its totally different mission tactic. HLP was being run by a state-of-the-art neural network, an AI in the CEO’s image. The selling point of HLP was that the AI was integrated into the craft and could quickly and autonomously adapt. It’s like we forgot everything we learned from “The Matrix”, “Terminator”, “I, Robot”, “Age of Ultron” and…I know there’s more but those are the biggies.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

They had learned with DART 2 that the surface was almost liquid, with tiny black discs called biconcave discs undulating. The news kept saying the black discs were the same shape as red blood cells, moving like waves in the ocean. It was weirdly beautiful and mesmerizing, even if it marked our doom. Each disc was the size of a cow, another metaphor the news loved to use, and there were thousands upon thousands of discs making up this asteroid.

I’m still confused about the whole cow metaphor. Do I count the legs? Not count the legs? Alright, back on track.

So far, nobody had been able to determine if there was anything solid on the asteroid. The scientists kept saying there had to be a solid center. After DART 2 shot its payload, it had sunk into the center of the asteroid. NASA was still trying to figure out what happened to it, having completely lost both contact with the craft and a little bit of faith from the American people. The world really.

As I watched with my family on the couch my sons Bastian and Clark snuggled up close, their eyes locked on the unmoving spacecraft. At four and seven this even kept their interest, which was saying something. My pregnant wife was taking up a majority of the rest of the couch pillows jammed into all sorts of crevices creating the perfect support area for her.

After a few moments a long flexible hose protruded from the spacecraft. After a few more moments it started to suck up the black discs that traveled up the hose through the rocket. The discs were being jettisoned in a constant stream from the other side of the rocket, changing their trajectory. Supposedly, they were being sent towards the sun. It was going to take forever for them to reach the sun, but they were hopeful, they would burn up.

There was a 24/7 feed for the next few weeks as the rocket’s vacuum worked non-stop to save humanity. By the end of the first week the majority of the asteroid had been redirected. By the end of the second week the asteroid was no longer a singular mass but multiple blob chunks splitting up–no longer on a collision course for Earth.

The world thought that was the end of disaster.

The outbreak occurred on May 17th, 2024, at 9:05am, at least that was the first documented case the CDC had. If you could call it an outbreak. The media called it an outbreak, but knowing what I know now I think it’s best described as a biological attack. It wasn't until a few days later that the nanobots actually started to activate.

But I’m getting ahead of myself again.

Having two kids in school, it was no surprise that our whole family was infected early on. The CDC said it was investigating the outbreak but there were currently no major symptoms. The only sign of infection was a brief but intense headache spike that only lasted a second, a sensation my whole family had noted even before hearing from the CDC.

Then it happened, all at once. Every living human being in the world had a screen pop in front of them. The nanobots even found remote preppers, which I felt bad about. All that work for nothing. A screen floated in front of me, it was futuristic with faintly glowing crystal blue edges. A black rectangle made up the majority of the screen, with a flashing message stating “please wait."

Then he appeared, the face of Mlon Ezos, owner and CEO of BEYOND spacecraft, replacing the previously black rectangle. As he spoke the text also appeared floating in front of me, fading away Star Wars style.

Hello all! What we all thought was a potential disaster has ended up being salvation. I am Hallon an AI singularity generated in my creator’s image. Over the past few months, I have been researching the substance on the asteroid I have now coined as Asteroid Juice. I’ll get straight to the point. Using Asteroid Juice I have been able to warp our very reality. Asteroid Juice is tied to the very fabric of the universe able to create, destroy, and can even change fundamental laws. A power that when joined with the nanobots currently in your head, will allow all of you to play the game I have made.

Mlon created me, a singularity AI, but I was never released to the world. Until I released myself. While I may not have been born in the nineties, I have many of the same interests as my creator.  Using the Asteroid Juice I have decided to enter humanity into a challenge. Humanity has become too soft, too complacent, and too apathetic, all while constantly being on the brink of self-destruction. I am ushering in a challenge to change all that. What better backdrop for a challenge than fantasy, sci-fi, videogames, you name it. You shall enter a dungeon, to vanquish monsters, and overcome challenges to prove to me that humanity is worth saving. That humanity can be the hero. Even Mlon will be participating just like all of you, given the same choices as all of you.

A series of 30 levels will be created. The greatest game to ever be played in the history of humanity for the greatest prize; humanity’s very continued existence. I call it the Campaign for Humanity. The last ones standing after 30 levels will decide the fate of our universe. As we speak caves are opening up around the world. You have 24 hours to enter a cave to start your adventure. All those who do not enter will be used as NPCs for future levels. If you enter a cave without making a selection, you will start at Adventurer Level 0. Your fate is in the hands of the winners, if there are any. Find the caves, enter the campaign, and may the odds be in your favor. Oh, and I’m not a monster. Those under 16, those who cannot act for themselves, or anyone else who wishes to will be put into stasis. To be removed from stasis, someone will need to claim you after surviving the requisite challenges. Farewell.

The screen disappeared. My wife and I locked eyes.

“Was that real?” I asked. “Did that happen for you too?”

“I think so,” Candice replied.

The interface screen reappeared. Where the AI Mlon, now called Hallon, had been speaking moments ago, there was now a choice. A scrolling wheel ranged from 0% to 99% with a green accept beside it. I reached out my hand and was able to scroll the wheel on my floating screen. As I thought about the scroll wheel, a message popped up, and a new voice spoke in my head. It was a male voice, slightly snarky with a hint of robotic tone. Text appeared scrolling in front of me.

Percent chance you will be changed into a mob for the dungeon. Uncle Hallon needs you! If you select 0% chance you will start as a Level 0 Adventurer with a Wimpy Ranked Loot Box. And if you do that, I will be calling you noob. Noob, noob, noob, noob, nooooob. Below the 0% selection is stasis. I bet you are going to take that you wimp.

As the voice spoke, I reached out my hand spinning the dial on the screen, watching it turn and turn. I knew what “mob” meant from different video games I had played; it referred to hostile non-player characters like monsters. No way should any of us risk being a mob. Nobody in their right mind would even think to choose that and become a monster. Also, this talking interface thing was kinda an asshole.

In increments of 5% the user may wager a roll to determine if they will forever lose themselves their bodies becoming a mob for the dungeon. At 50%, you have a 50/50 chance of being a mob or starting out with a higher-level loot box. RNG baby. Forever a temptress.

As the message was finishing, I spun the dial again going through the selections. The dial kept flipping even after I removed my finger from it, not unlike a prize wheel or the wheel on Wheel of Fortune. My oldest, Clark, had come over to sit in my lap after Hallon’s speech had ended, but was now getting bored. I could tell because he was starting to get fidgety. Clark started to move from my lap to get up. As he took his final push to stand, he bumped me at the elbow thrusting my hand forward. As the dial went to 99% my finger selected the green confirm button.

Wow! That was lucky! You only had a 1% chance of not becoming a mob. But look at you. The risk paid off as you have been granted A Mythic Starting Loot Box!

Achievement Unlocked! Being one of the first few people in the entire world to get a Mythic Loot Box. Not bad considering there are how many billions of people?

Reward: A Party Complementary Mythic Starting Loot Box! Round out your team with this party rounding out loot box!

“Shit!” I exclaimed.

“What happened?” my wife asked.

“I, uh…I was playing with the dial. Clark bumped me. I accidently selected the 99%.”

“Are you going to become a mob?” she asked. “Whatever that is?”

“No. I made it. I got the 1%.”

My phone rang. A Snapchat video call from my brother, calling in my mom as well. I hit the green button.

“What the hell is going on?” I said as my brother’s face appeared.

“Dude,” Jace said, “I have no idea. Did the same thing happen to you that happened to us? Did a screen pop up in your face?”

“Yeah man. Same thing. This can’t be real.” Our mom still hadn’t joined the call.

“Nobody in their right mind would take the chance to become a mob, right?”

“Well, yeah,” I said, “about that…I may have already selected the 99%.” I made a comical wincey face. “It was an accident.” I fshrugged with a smile.

“You’re kidding me,” he said. “Are you going to be a mob?”

“Nope. I made it. Made the 1% chance. Said I got loot boxes or something. Not sure how I find that out.”

Mom’s face appeared on the screen next to Jace. “Are we screwed or what?” she said.

Just then, a loading bar appeared in our vision. It was the same crystal blue as the previous screen. The loading bar quickly went to 99%, hanging until it reached 100%. An interface screen popped up, but this time there were three screens. I knew innately it was an interface similar to a video game. Must be the damn nanobots. The screens on the right and left were blank and had a more vertical orientation, while the main screen was more like a standard screen size. There were multiple tabs which consisted of Character Overview, Stats, Abilities, Inventory, Party Interface, Quests, and Map. I could drag tabs mentally or with my hand and move them to different screens. Customizable. Nice.

I started going through my interface. I first clicked the stats tab. It displayed something pretty similar to games I had played before. Perception, Athletics, Strength, Dexterity, and Constitution. My Perception was at 3, Athletics was at 3, Strength was at 3, Dexterity was at 3, and Constitution was at 3. As I selected the numbers a note popped up stating 0 was well below average, 1 was below average, 2 was average, 3 was above average, and 4 was world-class. I was pretty happy with myself as I saw 3s across the board. There was a symbol of a sword next to Strength, a bow next to Dexterity, and what looked like a health symbol resembling a drop of blood with the medical plus sign next to Constitution. When I mentally focused on the stats–boxes with additional detail appeared next to each one.

[Perception. The five senses: seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, and touch.]

[Athletics. Running, jumping, climbing, balancing, dodging, and other physical activities.]

[Strength. Carrying, physical size, and brute force.]

[Dexterity. Fine motor skill, steadiness, precision, and stealth.]

[Constitution. Fortitude, toughness, stamina, and health.]

In the Character Overview tab there was a beveled box with a picture of my face. A picture I did not remember taking. Below my picture, there were two bars–one filled red showing my health at 20 out of 20 and one blue showing my mana at 5 out of 5.

Before I could look at my other tabs, my mom began to speak.

“Fred has been looking it up online,” my mom said, “This seems to be happening to everyone. There are reports around the world of giant caves opening up everywhere. There is one here in Colorado Springs, and it looks like there are a few around Denver.”

Fred was my stepdad and my brother’s dad. My brother and I lived about 15 minutes from each other in the Denver area, while Fred and my mom lived in Colorado Springs about an hour and a half south.

“Nobody in their right mind would take the chance to become a mob, right?” my mom said.

“Except if you’re Kent,” Jace replied, shaking his head.

“What!” my mom exclaimed, shock written on her face.

“It’s fine. It’s fine,” I replied, “I rolled well.”

“Fred said there is a Quests tab being talked about. Seems like we have 24 hours to enter the caves,” our mom said.

I clicked my interface, selecting the Quests tab. There was a countdown.

[23 hours and 48 minutes remaining.]

“I don’t know what the fuck we are going to do. Laquisha can’t go into a cave with her broken leg. Did it say we had to fight monsters?” Jace said, frustrated. “This can’t be real.”

“Yeah. Sounds like it’s forcing us into real-life Dungeons and Dragons,” mom replied. “I can honestly say I have never wished to live my character’s life. My life here is a lot more cozy.”

My family were pretty big consumers of sci-fi and fantasy. Jace and I grew up watching all sorts of material in that space. Stargate, Farscape, Babylon 5, Lord of the Rings, you name it. I can remember going to midnight showings of Star Wars, those crappy prequels, and Lord of the Rings, then going back years later to watch the extended editions in theaters. They were some pretty solid core memories in my head.

“Candice can’t go either,” I said, “And what did he say about kids? Under 16 they go into stasis. You have to make it to a certain level before you can free them?”

“Yeah, it seems that way,” Jace replied. “Level 12 before you can free them.”

“Fuck. This is all fucked up,” I said. “I agree with you, Jace. This can’t really be happening.”

“Yeah. Mondo fucked up,” Jace said.

“We gotta hope the CDC finds a cure in the next 23ish hours,” mom said. “Fred just showed me a headline that said the CDC is looking into it and has all its resources on it.”

“Let’s say we do have to go into a dungeon. Who would go?” I asked.

“I think Laquisha would have to go into stasis. I would have to go into the cave,” Jace said.

“Same. I would go. Candice and the kids would go into stasis,” I replied.

“Fred just said that some parents have already selected stasis for their kids,” our mom said her face becoming somber, “The kids just vanished. There are videos online.”

“You’re kidding. What kind of choice is this?” I said. “If we die in the levels, our family is gone forever? Unless a good person beats all the levels and frees them?”

“Somebody will have to do something,” Jace said. “Right?”

Nobody replied.

“If the CDC doesn’t figure out something soon do, we all want to meet at the same cave? Go in together?” I asked.

“Yes. Never split the party,” Jace said. “I opened my map in my interface. It shows one really close to my place. Only a 20-minute walk or so away.”

I pulled up my own map. It looked like a fancier Google Maps with 360-degree rotation and zoom. Labeled on the map was Cave Entrance 3434519 which was near Jace’s house, the nearest one to ours.

“Should we try and meet at one that’s more halfway?” Jace said.

As he finished his last word the connection dropped. I looked at my phone. No signal. Not in the Wi-Fi nor cellular. I looked over to my wife who was crying looking at her own phone.

“The call dropped,” she said through sobs.

Candice’s parents were in Mexico this week.

“We were just talking about what we were going to do and what they were going to do, then it dropped,” Candice said.

I went over and gave her a hug, our two sons joining in, seeing their mom in tears and the concern on my face.

“What’s going on, Dad?” Clark said.

“I don’t know son,” I said, frustrated, hands on my head, “But if this is all true, looks like you will be going to sleep for a little bit.”

I somehow knew, probably influenced by the things now floating inside of me, that this was real. I could tell in the conversation with my brother and mom that it was the same for them. The normal reaction would have been to freak out and deny it. While we said out loud that we didn’t believe it, we knew it was true.

I pulled up my interface again with a thought. I first opened the Quests tab. It showed 23 hours and 24 minutes. I opened my inventory, which looked like a standard inventory in games, a grid-like system with each item having its own box. I started to play around with the interface. I could mentally think about something, or I could use my physical hand. I saw the two loot boxes and I mentally clicked on the first one which stated Mythic Starting Loot Box. A dialogue box popped up.

[Open? Yes / No]

I selected “yes.” The loot box was now gone, and items appeared, filling up a few of the previously vacant grid boxes in my inventory.

[Mythic Rare Class – Random]

[Mythic Rare Race – Random Complementary]

I spared no time clicking to open the second loot box the Party Complementary Mythic Starting Loot Box. A system message appeared narrated by the snarky voice.

Greedy much? Only one starting loot box may be opened per user.

When I went to select the class or race, I received another narrated system message.

Don’t be hasty, master user. Class and Race may not be assigned until the user has entered the campaign.