Ten Zero

Ko-lee and I are both stood within the stall, Nakak diligently counting out our credits for the day. "Friends, you do such good work! But I must let you know, I will not be here tomorrow." My mouth opens of its own accord, as the words spill out of me before I have the chance to filter them. "Spending time with family?" I look up just in time to see Nakak's face fall, and I can't help but feel like an idiot. "Take the foot out your damn mouth!", and this time I speak with more intention. "You are a good boss Nakak! I hope you get some rest on your time off, and we will see you later!" I turn to walk off, extracting myself from the situation as quickly as possible. "Whhyyyy did I say that? Actually insane behavior; she's like 14ish and is working a stall, of course her parents are dead or some shit," I think, as I pocket my freshly earned credits. "Or maybe a deadbeat dad. Or something. Still, context clues." I'm still shaking my head at the nuclear faux pas when I hear Ko-lee speak beside me. "What are your plans for tomorrow?" she asks, and my train of though quickly shifts to the new topic. "Oh, uh..." I say, unable to come up with some on the spot. "I was not thinking of plans, to be honest." Ko-lee just looks at me for a moment, before speaking.

"I think I'll spend tomorrow looking for more work." I take a moment to look at the woman walking shoulder to shoulder with me. At a quick glance, it doesn't appear like she's particularly tired, but I know that she's just trying to distract herself from what happened with the Conclave, and from thoughts about the future. "You know..." I start, and her sharp gaze swings over to mine. "You are allowed to take some time off once in a while. Today was rough." She just looks away at this, and there's a moment of silence that stretches on so long, I start to wonder if she's planning to respond at all. "I'd rather keep moving," she says. "Got it in one," I think. "I know, I understand why. I just... do not want you to burn out," I say, as I watch my purple haired companion scan the crowd. "I don't know what that means," she says, and for a moment, I'm caught off guard. "Wait, for real? That's not... I mean, I guess it's a saying but... it's contextually clear isn't it?" I think, as we reach Salt of the Sea. "Oh, it.. uhm. You know... give me a second," I say, as I try to think of an appropriate metaphor.

"I was gunna say burn out like a candle, but that's not really it, is it? Candles are supposed to be lit on fire, but in the context of burnout it's going so far past your limits that you in some manner damage yourself. More like, when you're trying to start a fire with a stick and the friction catches it on fire. Or like, catastrophic bridge failure, although that's maybe even more confusing. Damn it," I think, as we continue to make our way up the stairs towards our rooms. "So, uh... it is like, you know how if you stress a material, it can get hot?" I start off, somewhat mixing the two ideas I had percolating. Ko-lee, for her part, just nods her head, and I continue my mixed metaphor. "So, imagine you are that material, being stretched, and pulled, and it gets hotter and hotter, and then it catches fire. Even if you put the fire out, you have permanently damaged the material. If it was fabric, you could put a patch on it, but it will never be quite the same again. Do you get what I am saying? You need to take a break, cool off every once in a while." Ko-lee just stares at me, a calculating look in her eye. "I'm not a piece of cloth. ...But I understand what you're saying. Sort of." I just shrug at the concession. "It is not the best metaphor. I... panicked. But all I am saying is... if you want to talk about what happened today, or if you want a shoulder or... whatever. I am just a wall away."

There is a moment of hesitation from Ko-lee. I can't read her mind, and so I wait for her response, hoping that she'll be willing to take me up on the offer. "...sure," she says, and then quickly heads into her room. I head over to mine, and just in case, decide to stay up a little bit later than I usually do. I've always found it easier to stay awake than to fall asleep, but some of that likely had to do with infinite information at my fingertips and I suddenly find myself opening my eyes from a night of rest. I roll from my side onto my back, and my eyes begin to trace the grainy wood patterns of the roof above me, as I think about how drained I feel. "Man, we have been go go going since... well, Sharip. Then we get to Cetus, and we just immediately pick up a gig and then we're talking to Konzu... this, I think, is the first day where we're just... not doing anything." Part of me wants to simply sink into the bed, but by instinct I do my best to ignore any desire that could even remotely be driven by my depression. "Still, I need to for real chill. If I'm not gonna just lay in bed all day, then I should start getting dressed. Even if I don't actually have any plans for the day."

My free days back home were generally video game or music focused, but my lack of phone means that both of those are immediately off the table. If I was hanging out with friends, I generally 'did' something in particular; bowling, the movies, indoor skydiving, et cetera. I was never a fan of buying things just to have things, and even if I was, I barely had two credits to rub together. Still, anything I would end up doing would likely be outside somewhere and so I hop in the shower, quickly scrub down, don't leave the shower because its warm, convince myself to leave the shower, finally finish the shower, throw some clothes on, and step out into the hall. As I do, my gaze roams over towards Ko-lee's room, and I can't help but wonder if she's still around. "I know she said she was gonna look for work but maybe she hasn't left yet," I think, as I knock on my neighbors door. It only takes me a few moments to confirm that she's no longer there, and so I start to make my way into the tavern itself for breakfast. "She's an early riser. And or, she just doesn't want to talk about yesterday. Which I totally get, it makes me heated just thinking about it. Still, she can't just bottle everything up. A single cry session isn't really enough to get over losing your entire way of life."

Part of me twinges at that; am I really in the position to tell people how to grieve correctly? My grandfather died and I barely reacted, I lost my house in the same fire that people lost their lives in and I made a meme. My sister sobbed when she cut our racist and transphobic father out her life but I was just relieved I didn't need to think about him anymore. Logically I knew why; I was poster child for the DSM-5. Still, not being able to innately pick up on social nuance meant that I had to actively study it, and that meant that I comprehended a lot, even if I didn't feel it in quite the same way. Still, I couldn't help but feel like a bit of a hypocrite. "Hey, you! Blue eyes!" says the bartender, a buff older guy whose name I haven't actually learned. I wander over to him, and his expression softens as I do. "Hey, Konzu talked to me yesterday, explained everything. I just wanted to let you know, you've got a roof under Salt of the Sea as long as you need it. And... I wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss. You and Ko-lee." I can tell the man is genuine, and I can't help but feel like I'm stealing sympathy. "It is okay," I say to the man, sheepishly. "It was not as bad for me. I was only there for a month or two. Ko-lee had it much worse." The man gives me an odd look when I say this. "It's not a competition. You both suffered. I'd like to do what I can to help you both heal," he says, his gaze locked on mine.

Still, I can feel words of rebuttal forming on my lips. I want to say no, dissuade him, tell him I didn't suffer... but I bite my tongue, instead simply giving a nod and a smile. I take a moment before I open my mouth, making sure it won't betray me, before I say, "Well, thank you for letting us stay here. We will be out of your hair as soon as we can." He waves his hand in a sweeping gesture, almost as though offering up the tavern. "Please! Stay as long as you'd like, there really is no rush." I give him a smile, but before I get a moment to do anything else, he follows up with, "by the way... I've noticed you're a bit a late riser. Would you be interested in breakfast, or lunch?" I can feel heat in my cheeks at his question. "Ack! Don't perceive me!" Still, I do my best to pretend like I'm not melting from embarrassment, and I let him know my preference. "Lunch would be fine. Also, can I get the fried fish again?" He takes a moment, clearly trying to recall which fried fish I could've been referring to. "The goopola! Of course, it'll be up in a moment. Go get yourself comfortable," he says, before dashing behind the bar, ostensibly to the kitchen. As I watch him go, I can't help but grin to myself. "Goopola is an objectively hilarious thing to name a fish," I think, before my mind quickly returns to it's previous musing. "Also, I'm fine. Ko-lee DOES have it worse. All I lost were some people I sorta knew and sorta liked, and also my phone, which I can acknowledge was my only piece of home, but also! I'm headed back! Soon! Eventually. I'm literally taking steps to get home. I'll get there when I get there."

"Which could be a long time. Which could be never," another part of my mind whispers. I don't suffer from DID but there are times where I do feel less like a cohesive person and more like the head of a council of know-it-all assholes. "Maybe you won't get a chance to leave!" says asshole one. "Only if you give up prematurely! We must have single minded focus! Stop worrying about that girl!" says asshole two. "If you were a good friend, you'd lend her a hand!" And another. "You're being too pushy! Let her grieve however she wants to grieve!" And another. I can't help but examine every situation from every angle, seeing only the shades of gray and never the committed stances of black and white. "Which is pretty ironic, honestly. Black and white thinking is supposed to be a staple but I haven't really been like that since I was a kid, back when I though I knew better," I think to myself. I don't get much more of an opportunity to muse on the thought as my food arrives, and with extreme gusto, I dig in.

After another delicious meal of fried fish, I make my way out into the midday sun, squinting as my eyes adjust to the glare. For a moment, I just take in the senses of life all around me; the voices of merchants and children and shoppers, the smells of food and oil and wood and dirt, the bright colors of decorative clothes and covered walkways all mixing together into a feast of stimuli. But it's not long before my ever nagging mind poses the question I had effectively been dodging all morning. "Now what?" Without any plan or purpose, I begin to move, merely a facsimile of intent, as my eyes wander around the various points of interest I can see. It's only a few minutes before I manage to spot the communications building, and for a brief moment I consider stopping in. "I could call the Tenno now. I could let the Lotus know that I have information, when she doesn't effectively have a gun pointed at my head. ...but even if she doesn't Rod of God me or some shit, I still actually need to talk to Ko-lee about all this. Still, it's nice to know where it is," I think, before continuing past the technologically adorned building.

As I continue walking, my eyes soak in the view, and I can't help but feel like I'm looking for something, even though I'm unsure of what it is I'm actually looking for. It's not until I find myself scanning the stone cliffs bordering the market that it dawns on me. "Wait, isn't Onkko slash the Quill's hideout thing somewhere around here?" I think, as I continue making my way around and through the crowd. "I'm not a Tenno, and I definitely don't have void powers, but I'm probably maybe void touched." Even with my confidence though, I still try to do a void blast, just in case. All I manage to blast is my confidence, as I find myself effectively reenacting the scene from the Sam Rami Spider-Man film. "Okay, yea, definitely no void powers," I think, as I give a sheepish wave to some passerbys giving me odd looks. "Makes sense though, the Tenno got their power from the handshake deal, although I don't actually know if it was every Tenno got their powers from one shake, or if each kid made their own deal. In any case, I never talked to Wally."

But I'm still curious if the door to the Quill hideout will let me pass regardless, and so I continue looking. It's only an hour and a half later that I have to acknowledge a genuine flaw in the plan. "I could barely find the door on foot in Cetus in the game! And that was with a HUD on a map that was like 10 times smaller. Honestly, I just fast travel there, cause why walk when you don't have to?" I feel a bit embarrassed at my absolute abysmal lack of directions. Still, the walk in the sun has me sweating, mainly just because it's such a warm day out, and I'm feeling pretty thirsty because of it. So I table the plan to find the secret door, and instead keep my eyes peeled for something to drink instead. Luckily, this goes much better than the first search, and after only a few minutes I manage to find a food stall selling some sort of fruit drink. I walk over to the man, and after a brief exchange of words and currency, he hands me a cup of the liquid.

The cup is interesting; instead of it being a paper or styrofoam cup like I might've expected from back home, it's made out of some sort of natural reed material. It's still very clearly meant to be disposed of afterwards, but I do find the eco-friendly receptacle sort of neat. "Although, I doubt they're worried about climate change," I think, as I take a sip of the drink. "It's probably just bec-WOAH" I can't help but be shocked by the drink as the liquid hits my tongue. At home, I was a big fan of pretty much any carbonated drink, excluding carbonated flavored waters (how could anyone be a fan of something like LaCroix will forever be beyond me), but since ending up here I hadn't had anything carbonated that wasn't alcohol, and even then, it was pretty subtle. So it was a bit of a surprise to find that my fruit drink was more like a soda than a juice. The fruit is interesting as well, even if it's not something I'm able to identify. If I had to draw a parallel, I would say it was like if someone took their own spin on the idea of a grape.

More than pleasantly surprised, I make my way over to a section of the stone cliff that looks like it is both out of the way of the path, but still visible enough for me to people watch while I sip my drink. As I approach the divot in the stone though, I realize that it's not just a naturally formed deformation, but in fact, a set of stairs leading up to somewhere. As I make my way up the stairs, I find that they lead up to what appears to be a cliff wall with colored engravings laid in it. "I should buy a lottery ticket," I think, as I stare at the very thing I had been looking for. Like most things, it wasn't a one to one copy of the stone door from the game, and it's missing the little stone... decoration thing that is nearby in the game, but otherwise it's pretty unmistakably the same door. It's also a lot less colorful and glowy, which makes sense, because why would you put your secret hideout behind effectively a neon sign? As I examine it, more things stand out to me as well. The steps look more naturally formed than intentionally, and the door itself blends more seamlessly into the rock face than it does in game. If I were an average Cetus resident, I could fully see thinking that this was just a neat little semi-cave with some art on the wall.

I lay my hand on the door itself, and, yup, it's definitely stone. Unfortunately the action doesn't cause the door to open, or react in anyway, so I lift my hand off, and form a fist, knocking on the door. All I get from the attempt is scratched up knuckles, because that was to be expected from slamming them against a stone wall. I have a brief impulse to shout 'Is anyone home!?', but I figure there's no way that the Quills, if they're there, don't know I'm standing here. "They've got magic and tech, I'm sure they can scrounge up a tiny camera," I think, my eyes flicking over to potential hiding places. Unsurprisingly, I don't find any evidence of one, and since there's no response to my attempted greeting, I walk back down to the bottom step to resume my people watching.