Sweet Sugar Candyman

#04

What do you mean it doesn’t come to mind? The image of the little kid declaring that he would marry Saheon, as my father said, was my first memory in life.

I can’t quite remember when I started to like hyung, but I knew that the history of my unrequited love had to go back quite a long way. In the hazy memories of my childhood, I seemed to have held onto the hem of Saheon’s clothes and said this in front of the adults.

“Cheongmyeong is going to marry Saheon.”

I was probably around four years old. The pronunciation of a four-year-old is not very clear, so it was likely closer to “Cheongmeoin is tahuni Hyung arang gyeronhakkeo” rather than the clear words I remember, but my parents who came to pick me up, my uncle who had just come home from work, my aunt who was cooking dinner, and even Chaehun, who was helping with the meal, burst into laughter.

As a child, I felt sulky about why the adults were laughing at my serious declaration. When I glared at the adults who were just smiling, their laughter only grew louder. After a while, my aunt, still unable to contain her joy, gently asked,

“Really? Cheongmyeong is going to marry Saheon?”

The laughter in her voice told me she was teasing. I tightened my grip on the hem of Saheon’s clothes and nodded my head vigorously, and the laughter grew even louder. Chaehun, who was helping my aunt set the table with side dishes, asked with a hint of disappointment,

“Why don’t you want to marry me, Cheongmyeong? Hyung is sad, Mungmung.”

“That’s because hyung is ugly.”

Saheon confidently said this and picked me up, who was holding onto his clothes. In an instant, my viewpoint changed, and I could see the faces of the adults more clearly. They were all smiling. Saheon kissed my cheek with a smacking sound and wore a victorious smile.

“Mungmung knows I’m handsome, right?”

“Yeah, you’re handsome.”

Chaehun shook his head in disbelief and instructed me to go get some water. Saheon, holding me in one arm, skillfully took a cup and filled it with water from the dispenser.

The sudden urge to declare that I would marry Saheon probably came from hearing the word “marriage” from the more mature kids with older siblings while playing at the neighborhood playground, but I think I was a little happy about Saheon’s attitude, which didn’t reject me negatively.

To avoid interrupting Saheon as he moved the cups to the table, I wrapped my short arms tightly around his neck, and he kissed my chubby cheeks every time he set a cup down. It was a way of showing affection for his much younger little brother. Once he had set all the cups down, Saheon noticed me staring at him and hugged me tightly, shaking his feet in excitement.

“You’re so cute.”

A clear laugh escaped me as my body was lightly shaken up and down. As Saheon continued to kiss my cheeks, I reached out and covered his lips with my hand. He made a playful sound and tickled my palm.

“Cheongmyeong, it’s time to go home.”

My mom, who had come over right after work, said this, but I pretended not to hear and held onto Saheon tightly. He playfully replied,

“No way, Auntie. Mungmung said he would marry me, so he has to live here from today.”

“Lee Cheongmyeong. Are you really going to live with hyung? Mom is leaving? Are you going to live here forever?”

I didn’t answer. My mom reacted with a bit of disbelief, saying, “Oh my, this kid!” but Saheon smiled happily and ruffled my hair. After washing her hands after chopping green onions for the stew, my aunt joyfully chimed in.

“If Cheongmyeong lives here, he won’t be able to see Mom and Dad. Is that okay?”

The fear of a four-year-old was, of course, that my parents would disappear. I liked my parents, but I also liked Saheon, and I fidgeted anxiously, swinging my feet in the air. The adults, sensing my trembling eyes, burst into laughter once again. My dad asked in a playful voice,

“Right. Cheongmyeong will live with hyung. Dad is leaving.”

“…Ugh… Ugh…”

My parents really turned their backs to leave. Looking up at Saheon with eyes half-filled with tears, he stopped teasing and whispered in my ear. No, at the time, I thought he was whispering, but looking back now, it felt more like he was playing along with my parents.

“Today, if you give hyung a kiss before you go, I’ll marry you when we meet again.”

“…Really?”

“Really. Normally, you kiss when you get married.”

Then I thought about kissing my mom, my dad, my aunt, my uncle, my relatives, my grandmother, and even Chaehun, and I worried if that would be okay. It seemed too far and difficult to actually marry Saheon.

Saheon, sensing my serious expression, this time whispered very quietly, so only I could hear.

“We can meet again tomorrow. Right?”

I nodded my head just enough for him to see. Saheon set me down, and of course, my parents, who had no intention of leaving me next door, quickly picked me up.

Hiding behind my parents, who were earnestly thanking me for taking care of me today, I looked at Saheon’s family. Both Chaehun and Saheon waved goodbye with smiles.

Suddenly, the thought that I couldn’t get married if I didn’t kiss him at the end lingered in my mind. Saheon grinned, brought his index and middle fingers to his lips, and blew me a kiss. As a four-year-old who couldn’t move my hands delicately, I mimicked Saheon’s action, pouting my lips like a fish, and got teased again by my dad and aunt.

I stared out the window at the highway where the sea began to come into view. My cheeks started to feel hot.

Of course, I didn’t think that a four-year-old liked the hyung next door with romantic feelings. But Kwon Saheon. I knew well that I would eventually fall in love with the most perfect man in the world.

The feelings that had been planted like a seed with a unique fondness had transformed into love at some point, and even though I had been rejected after confessing my feelings, the emotions had continued to develop until I turned twenty.

…I messed up.

Living with Saheon, which had started half voluntarily and half involuntarily, felt even more reckless. It was the result of a clash between knowing it would be awkward and the deep-seated desire in my heart to see Saheon once more.

Worries that bound me like I was stuck in dark mud pressed down on me. I tightly gripped the hand that was hidden from view by the driver’s seat. My palms were damp with cold sweat. The gloomy sound of rain mixed with the music from the radio felt like an ominous metaphor hinting at my future.

Even though it was a holiday, it was a weekday morning, so thanks to the clear road, we arrived at the airport earlier than expected. After parking the car, I crossed the crosswalk and entered the airport terminal, where there were crowds of welcoming guests.

My father checked the flight number of the plane Saheon was piloting on the large electronic board. As he traced the air with his index finger, his hand gesture stopped midway. The sign indicated that the flight from New York had arrived. My father whistled softly in relief and added,

“I’m glad it arrived quickly.”

But just because the plane had arrived didn’t mean Saheon would come out right away. My father and I sat on a bench behind the fence, getting up halfway every time a uniformed man came out.

After about 30 minutes of this, my father seemed to get bored and disappeared somewhere. A little while later, he returned with a red bean bun in his hand.

A red bean bun? I was amazed at where he found something like that. My father, oblivious to my incredulous gaze, offered me one, but I refused as I really wasn’t in the mood to eat.

Saheon didn’t appear until both buns were gone. I started to guess the departure points of the arriving passengers based on their outfits. That person is wearing summer clothes, so they must be from Southeast Asia; that foreigner looks like they might be from New York, but I can’t tell their nationality.

As I stared at the automatic doors that kept opening and closing, my stiff neck and shoulders ached, and suddenly I jumped up.

“When is Saheon coming out…?”

It was at the same time my father muttered that he was tired. But I was staring intently at a figure in the distance that was clearly hyung.

People dressed in the same uniform as hyung came out first, followed by flight attendants chatting away, but at that moment, everyone around hyung was automatically blurred in my eyes. Saheon, smiling brightly and nodding his head repeatedly, was slowly approaching, pulling a large suitcase with his big hand.

It felt as if time had stopped, and I could hear nothing. It was as if only hyung and I were left in this vast airport.

With a height that was a head taller than others, a strong jawline falling under a sharp cap, neatly styled hair, a face I always thought was handsome, broad shoulders that looked manly, a solid body without any flab under the uniform, and the tidy aura of someone who had lived under strict regulations for a long time.

As Saheon, who was looking around as if searching for someone while talking to a colleague, turned his gaze toward me, the moment I thought our eyes met, he squinted and smiled, waving at me.

If the surroundings had been quiet, I would have definitely heard the loud thud of my heart dropping. For a moment, my heart stopped beating, but then it started to race even more fiercely, as if to make up for its mistake.

I stared at hyung, forgetting to breathe. With a unique bright smile like an airline model, hyung looked at me and silently mouthed “hello.” The shadow cast by the sharp cap darkened his face. Seeing the shadow even darkening his white forehead made my heart ache painfully.

Ah, hyung was still so handsome.