Surviving marriage in yandere world

It started with a note. A single, pink-frilled envelope placed gently on Rei's desk during class. Neat handwriting spelled his name, with a heart replacing the dot over the 'i'.

"Another one?" Rei muttered, sighing as he cautiously reached for it. "Is this going to explode, melt, or summon a tentacle beast this time?"

He glanced around. To his left, Emilia smiled innocently as she opened her textbook on "Advanced Healing Magic and Ethical Consent." Her presence was disarmingly normal. Like sunshine bottled into human form. No chains hidden in her bag. No threatening aura and no lipstick-stained daggers tucked into her robes.

To his right, the empty seat used by Seraphina was ominously absent. The Princess of Radiance didn't miss class—unless she was plotting arson, kidnapping, or divine vengeance.

Behind him, someone whispered.

"He got another one. That makes five today."

"No, six. I saw the muffin."

Rei's fingers froze over the envelope.

"Muffin?" he whispered.

"Rei-kun~" Emilia tilted her head, voice melodic. "I made you a snack, but only if you're okay with it! It's just a muffin. No poison, no binding spells. Just… sugar. Teehee~"

Rei blinked. Was that hesitation in her voice? Did she have to specify "no poison"?

Still, he'd grown up in this madness long enough to know nothing was ever what it seemed. Especially if it was pink and smiling.

He slowly opened the envelope. A folded note and a muffin fell out. The muffin was warm, fresh, and smelled like blueberries and—

"…A hint of desperation?" Rei muttered.

The note read: "Eat this and never betray me."

In looping, cute cursive with glitter.

And a tiny footnote:

P.S. The blueberries are ethically sourced.

His hand trembled.

"System," Rei muttered under his breath, "please tell me this muffin isn't sentient."

[Analyzing Suspicious Muffin…]

[Result: 89% sugar, 10% enchantment, 1% obsession.]

[Side Effects May Include: Emotional attachment, sugar high, spontaneous proposals, spontaneous combustion.]

[Recommendation: DO NOT CONSUME UNLESS YOU'RE INTO COMMITMENT-MUFFINS.]

"…Why do I live like this?" Rei asked no one in particular.

[Because you sneezed during a proposal and accidentally got married five times.]

"Was that sarcasm?"

[Yes.]

Ten minutes later, the muffin had been discreetly sealed in a magical stasis bag and mailed to the alchemy lab for analysis. Rei hadn't survived this long by taking baked goods at face value.

Professor Grayvine had nearly burst into tears when he saw it.

"An affection-infused offering from a suspected rival?! Do you know how rare this strain of insanity is?!" the professor exclaimed, cradling the muffin like a newborn. "This could lead to breakthroughs in yandere pathology!"

"Great," Rei said, turning to leave. "Let me know if it bites."

As he returned to class, he noticed Emilia watching him. Her eyes sparkled.

"Did you like it?" she asked sweetly.

"Absolutely," Rei lied.

He opened his locker and another note fell out.

"The muffin was mine. Don't trust her smile. I'll bake you a REAL loyalty cake." — L

There was blood on the bottom corner.

"…Was that jam?"

[Analyzing Splat: No. That's arterial.]

By evening, Rei had received twelve mysterious messages. Only two were confirmed from Emilia. The others bore increasingly aggressive handwriting and ingredients:

Rosette: "Spy-chan says she uses artificial vanilla. I am morally obligated to poison her."

Drakana: "Only I feed you. She dies by fire."

Lilia: "That muffin was a sin against Husbandology. I have prepared a ceremonial cake-purge."

Seraphina: "Her sins will be cleansed with solar purification. Signed: Your One True Empress."

"System," Rei whispered from behind a barricade of alchemy tomes in the library, "how do I stop this?"

[New Side Mission Unlocked!]

[Mission: Survive the Muffin War (0/1)]

[Reward: Slightly Less Domestic Terrorism]

[Failure: A Cake Duel at Dawn.]

"…What does a cake duel involve?"

[Imagine a food fight. But everyone has magic. And knives.]

That night, Rei returned to his dorm or what was left of it. Charred stone, a suspiciously heart-shaped crater. His mattress had been replaced with an altar bearing candles, a marriage certificate, and a taxidermy pillow labeled "Spy-chan, Reborn."

Rosette stood over it, humming.

"Oh," she said brightly, "you're back, my Lord. I've purified the room of her scent."

"You set it on fire, didn't you?"

"I cleansed it," she corrected.

[System Alert: Fire Rune Residue Detected — Estimated Burn Intensity: 7 Wives' Worth of Rage.]

[Would You Like to Report a Domestic Magical Hazard? Y/N]

Rei pressed [Y].

Nothing happened.

"Useless system," he muttered, climbing over the wreckage to reach his emergency futon.

From the shadows, Seraphina emerged, holding a blueberry pie.

"I made dessert," she announced regally.

Rei froze. "You did?"

"I've tasted it myself," she said calmly. "Rosette provided toxin scans. Lilia blessed it with divine husband-protection rites. Drakana singed it with dragonfire. It's safe."

He stared. "That sounds like—"

[Warning: Unified Wife Coalition Detected. The Pie Is Now A Political Treaty.]

"…Of course it is."

He took a bite and It was delicious.

It also glowed faintly, whispered "We love you" in five voices, and momentarily levitated.

[Status Effect: Emotionally Compromised]

[+15 Affection from All Wives. -10 Sanity.]

Elsewhere, Emilia sat on her bed in the girls' dormitory. She gently hugged her stuffed rabbit, eyes unreadable.

"They didn't eat the muffin, Mr. Flopsy," she said calmly. "That's okay. We can always try cookies tomorrow."

Her voice remained light, cheerful, and sweet.

"But if they replace my baked goods again," she whispered, "I'll replace the flour with powdered truth serum and see who Rei really likes the most."

She kissed the bunny's head.

"Let's bake together, okay?"

The rabbit didn't answer because it was stuffed.

But in the silence of the night… a baking tray clinked ominously.

The Next Morning

[System Alert: Class Schedule Disrupted by Explosive Cupcakes.]

[Status: Temporary Campus Lockdown — Suspected Culprit: Emilia?]

[Mission Update: You Are Now Trapped In A Culinary Death Match.]

Rei opened his eyes to a muffin on his chest. It had a smiley face drawn in frosting.

And a note: "Today's flavor: Obsession."

He screamed.

"Why is there frosting on my soul?" Rei muttered, staring at the cursed muffin now glaring at him from the safety of a lead-lined container.

He hadn't even moved yet his entire dorm room smelled like cinnamon, danger, and passive-aggressive affection.

[System Notification: Passive Aura Detected – "Baked With Love (And Slight Malice)"] [Status Effect: +10 Anxiety | +2 Sweetness | -3 Lifespan]

Rei dragged himself to the academy's infirmary—mostly because it was the only place with anti-enchantment wards strong enough to deflect explosive pastries. Or at least, reduce them to "lightly aggressive biscotti."

Nurse Elara didn't even look up when he limped in, singed around the edges and holding a muffin in tongs.

"Third time this week?" she asked, sipping tea.

"Do you have any magical wards against romance?"

"I have ibuprofen and a taser enchanted with breakup magic."

"…I'll take both."

Rei sat down heavily, clutching his head as the system continued to ping like a rabid dating app.

[New Message Received – From: Unknown Sender]

[Subject: Love Me or Die]

[Attachment: A cupcake. Glowing. Probably radioactive.]

[System Advisory: Do Not Consume Anything That Purrs.]

He deleted the message then another popped up, then another, then twenty-seven more.

Each with a pastry and an increasingly ominous subject line.

"You didn't eat mine. That hurts." "Try this one. It has my blood." "Let's play a game! Guess which one is cursed!"

One message was just a picture of Rosette holding a piping bag like a dagger, smiling sweetly with frosting on her cheeks.

The last one? From Emilia.

A simple message. "Good morning! No pressure today! But just so you know—I signed you up for the campus bake-off. It's a duo competition. I hope we get paired together! But if not, that's okay too!"

"P.S. I made friendship cookies for everyone. Even your… uh… fans."

Rei stared at the screen.

"…She's declaring war, with sprinkles."

[System Notification: EMILIA HAS ENTERED THE BAKE-OFF ARENA.]

[Warning: This Event Is Rated S (Sugary and Slightly Psychotic).]

Elsewhere, the other girls got the same notification.

Yui looked up from her warding circle, eyes glowing. "So… she wants to publicly bake with him?"

Lilia twitched. "A duo event implies intimate synchronization. This is sacred. This is marriage foreplay in dessert form!"

Drakana lit a torch. "She dies at dawn."

Seraphina snapped her fingers. "Cancel all my imperial duties. This takes priority."

Rosette opened her spice drawer, revealing thirty labeled vials: "Wrath Cinnamon," "Possessive Nutmeg," "Loyalty Dust," "Anise of Annihilation."

"Let's see if she can handle a frosting curse," she murmured.

Back in the infirmary, Rei tried to sneak out through a window.

He was halfway through when he heard a knock.

He turned and it was Emilia. Holding a covered tray.

"Hi!" she said, eyes sparkling. "I made lemon bars! You looked stressed!"

Rei stared at the tray, then at her. Then at the fireproof safety bin filled with cursed cookies behind him.

"I'm okay," he said weakly. "I just… I'm on a new diet. No sugar. Only existential dread."

"Oh!" she said brightly. "I made a sugar-free version too and one for anxiety!"

He blinked. "Wait… what?"

Emilia smiled. "Lavender, chamomile, a pinch of hope, and a lot of love."

Rei paused. The tray didn't glow. It didn't pulse. It didn't purr.

"…Fine," he said, taking one.

He bit in. It tasted like warmth and peace and maybe—just maybe—actual safety. For the first time in weeks… nothing exploded.

[System Notification: You Have Consumed a "Sanity Bar"] [Temporary Effect: +15 Mental Stability | +10 Hope | -1 Panic] [...What is this feeling… safety? Is this safety??!]

Emilia blushed. "So… I'll see you at the bake-off?"

"…Yeah," Rei said slowly. "Yeah, maybe."

Outside the window, five pairs of glowing eyes narrowed. War was coming but first…

They had to beat the preliminaries.

To be continued…