Surviving marriage in yandere world

Rei woke up to a whisper.

"Blessed be the breath of the Husband…"

His eyes snapped open. Spy-chan—the living pillow planted by Rosette—was vibrating violently beneath his head, its fluff hairs standing on end.

"...May your eyelids flutter with divine rhythm."

The voice was right next to his ear. Rei turned slowly. He saw Lilia was kneeling beside his bed, wearing white robes, a flower crown, and holding a cup of chamomile tea with suspicious steam patterns forming the words: "LOVE IS ETERNAL. CLASS STARTS AT 8."

"AHHHHHHHHHHH—!" Rei screamed and bolted upright, smacking his forehead into the floating sermon board Lilia had set up.

BANG.

[System Notification: You've lost 5 HP due to Divine Stalker Impact Trauma.]

[New Buff Applied: Morning Panic (Duration: 2 hours). Effects – Increased dodging, reduced brain cells.]

"You need nourishment," Lilia said calmly, tilting the tea cup toward his mouth. "And prayers. And maybe an annulment of all your flirtations with the cafeteria lady."

"I JUST ASKED FOR AN EXTRA BISCUIT," Rei shouted.

"Blasphemy," Lilia whispered, eyes glowing with gentle wrath.

Spy-chan squeaked and launched itself at her face, giving Rei a brief window to dive out of bed, trip over a stack of "Theology of Thigh Pillows" volumes, and land face-first on the floor.

By the time he reached the central plaza of the Royal Magic Academy, Rei was panting, disheveled, and spiritually 900 years old.

He glared at the sky.

"System. Anything. Just anything normal today. Please."

[System Quest Alert: New Mission Unlocked!]

Rei blinked. "Oh, come on—"

[System Mission: Avoid Death During Midterms (0/1)]

[Difficulty: Beyond Mortal Comprehension]

[Penalty: Self-explanatory]

[Bonus Objective: Graduate With Sanity Intact]

[REWARD: Peace? Probably not.]

"…I hate you," Rei muttered.

[System Response: ♥]

The Academy had five primary exam phases, each supposedly 'scholarly' in nature. In reality?

It was an intellectual bloodbath. Professor Slatherhorn, a minotaur with bifocals and a monocle (don't ask how that works), addressed the gathered student body at the exam announcement hall.

"Welcome to the Midterm Assessment Ritual!" he bellowed, accidentally snapping a podium in half. "You will each face three trials: Theory, Application, and Emotional Fortitude!"

A hand shot up. It belonged to a trembling first-year student with an emotional support squirrel.

"Wh-what does Emotional Fortitude mean?"

The professor smiled. It was not kind.

"You'll see."

Trial 1: Magical Theory – The Exam Scroll of Madness

Students sat at desks inside the Anti-Cheating Enchanted Dome. The scrolls unfurled themselves.

Each question pulsed with red ink.

1. Derive the equation for transdimensional portal stabilization using only interpretive dance metaphors.

2. Prove love is real using necromancy.

3. Describe, in graphic detail, how to neutralize a yandere enchantress using only household cleaning items.

Rei stared at the last one.

"...System, are you writing these?"

[System Response: It's called preparing you for life, sunshine.]

Trial 2: Application – The Practical Exams

Students were hurled (literally) into randomized magical challenge zones. Rei landed in what appeared to be a kitchen… filled with animated cutlery.

A knife floated toward him, humming a lullaby.

"Oh no."

[Sub-Mission Unlocked: Survive the Cooking Midterm Without Becoming the Dish.]

Thirty seconds later, Rei was running for his life as a spatula the size of a horse tried to flatten him into a pancake.

From somewhere behind a sugar jar, Drakana shouted, "You look DELICIOUS when you're panicked, Husband!"

He dove behind the fridge and that fridge ate his left shoe.

[HP: -3]

Trial 3: Emotional Fortitude – The Worst Test of All

Rei stood inside a silent room. A chair. A table. A single sheet of paper.

On the paper, one question:

"List your five happiest moments at the Academy so far."

"…Are you serious?"

[System Evaluation: User is entering Despair Mode.]

[Deploying Coping Mechanism… Loading Playlist: 'Happy Thoughts & Explosive Regret']

He wrote:

1. Found edible toast

2. Hugged a cat that wasn't secretly one of my fiancées

3. Napped alone for 6.2 minutes

4. Watched Seraphina trip on a soap rune

5. Got rejected by a cursed mirror (it was honest)

He handed it in with shaking hands.

Back in the Dorm

Rei dragged himself into his room, where Spy-chan tried to wrap around him like a blanket.

He flopped on the bed. "Done. I barely survived."

[System Update: Midterm Survival Status – PENDING FINAL SCORES]

[Bonus Objective – Graduate With Sanity Intact: Progress – 0%]

He groaned. "How did anyone pass these before?"

Spy-chan burbled sympathetically or perhaps mockingly.

The door creaked open. Velveria, dressed in a cosplay version of his school uniform, complete with a wig and fake freckles, peeked in.

"H-Husband-kun Do you want to study together for extra credit? I memorized your voice to recite as mantras!"

Rei screamed and leapt through the window.

[Achievement Unlocked: Window Escape Lv. 3]

[System Bonus: +1 Agility]

Elsewhere Lilia addressed her flock in the Chapel of Endless Affection (formerly a storage closet).

"The Husband has survived the flames of academic trial rejoice. Tomorrow, we begin our outreach campaign."

She held up a flyer: "Join Husbandology – Free Cookies, Mandatory Obsession!"

Next Day – Results Posted

Rei stood at the board with trembling hands. His name glowed with faint golden light.

Midterm Results:

Magical Theory: C+

Application: B (Somehow)

Emotional Fortitude: F+ (Professor wrote "I felt sorry for him.")

He looked around. The other students were either crying, casting healing spells, or writing wills.

"…Not bad," he whispered.

[System Notification: Midterm Mission – COMPLETED.]

[You have survived the unspeakable. You now qualify for further trauma.]

[New Mission Unlocked: Prepare for the Group Project of Doom.]

Rei faceplanted into Spy-chan.

Rei stood motionless, staring at the glowing "F+" like it had personally insulted his bloodline.

Behind him, a crowd of students began whispering.

"Wait… Rei didn't die during Emotional Fortitude?"

"I heard he faced the question and just… accepted his suffering."

"Is that enlightenment?"

"No. That's depression."

"Powerful."

One student dropped to their knees and began sketching his silhouette in a notebook labeled 'Mysterious Men I Want to Emotionally Support.'

Rei turned around slowly.

"No. Don't start. This is not mysterious suffering. This is just exam-induced despair."

Lilia appeared, gliding down the hallway like a swan possessed by a marriage-obsessed ghost.

"You survived," she whispered reverently. "Truly, your resolve is divine."

"I cried into a magical mop bucket for ten minutes."

"All part of the sacred ordeal," she said, clasping his hand.

[System Alert: Lilia's Affection Level has increased!] [Warning: Her religion now includes a holy martyr phase.]

Spy-chan, tucked into Rei's hood, held up a small flag that read: I TOLD YOU SO.

Elsewhere in the Academy. The professors gathered in the Staff Lounge, which looked less like a room and more like a war shelter and helmets. Enchanted stress tea. A wall labeled "Student Casualty Bingo."

Professor Slatherhorn, polishing his monocle (still over his bifocals), grunted.

"The boy survived again."

Professor Whimsica, the elf in charge of dream magic and traumatizing essays, sighed.

"He wrote 'I got rejected by a mirror' as a happy memory. Should we be concerned?"

"No," said the headmaster, sipping coffee through a rune-filter. "He's adapting."

They all nodded grimly then a pigeon crashed through the window, dropped off a pamphlet, and burst into enchanted flames.

It read: "HUSBANDOLOGY MISSIONARY PROGRAM: Enroll Today – Fall in Love Forever."

Everyone groaned.

Professor Whimsica facepalmed. "Again with the cult?"

Professor Slatherhorn muttered, "At least it's not another duel between the Princess and the Priestess."

The lounge shook as a distant explosion rattled the mugs.

They all took a synchronized sip of anxiety brew.

Meanwhile – Rei's Dorm

Rei lay facedown on his bed while Spy-chan performed a small interpretive wiggle dance to cheer him up. It looked vaguely like a squirrel having an existential breakdown.

Rei opened one eye. "You know, for a living pillow, you're not very emotionally soft."

Spy-chan squeaked and rolled over dramatically.

[System Message: Emotional Resilience Therapy – IN PROGRESS.]

"Do you think it's possible to fake my own death before the next group project?" Rei asked.

[System Response: Unfortunately, no. You signed a Blood-Contract of Attendance during Orientation.]

[Clause 3b: "In the event of academic noncompliance, student soul may be temporarily auctioned to interdimensional deities for budgetary purposes."]

Rei screamed into the pillow.

Spy-chan mimicked the scream in high-pitched fluff tones.

[System Suggestion: Would you like to open a therapy mini-game?] [Options: (A) Rant Journal, (B) Coping Puzzle, (C) Scream Into the Void]

Rei selected (C) instinctively.

A glowing void portal appeared in the ceiling. Rei screamed upward.

It politely screamed back.

Rei blinked. "…Did it just harmonize?"

[System Note: You have unlocked "The Void Respects Your Pain – Level 1."]

Spy-chan gave him a thumbs-up with a pillow-corner.

Across Campus – Cult HQ

In the repurposed janitor's closet now labeled Sanctum of Snuggly Sermons, Lilia addressed her apostles.

They sat in a circle of enchanted bean bags, wearing fluffy robes and glittered tiaras with Rei's name etched in rhinestones.

"Today," Lilia began, "we thank the Husband for not perishing during midterms. Truly, his endurance is worthy of a thousand cookies and a shrine upgrade."

A muffled voice asked from behind a bookcase, "What level are we allowed to imagine holding his hand now?"

Lilia smiled gently. "Level 2 Devotees may now imagine brief glances in a snowstorm. Holding hands is Level 5 and requires emotional purification."

"Understood," said the cultist, writing this into a heart-shaped journal.

Lilia held up the next batch of campaign flyers. They sparkled with enchantments.

"MISSIONARY LOVE – Take Husbandology Door to Door!" "Snuggle, Don't Struggle – Convert with Cookies!" "He Wears Socks. Therefore, We Believe."

"May our sacred snuggle mission succeed," she declared.

They all bowed.

Late Night – Rei's Room Again

Rei sat in bed, surrounded by textbooks, prayer flyers (from three different factions), and a suspiciously ticking package labeled "To My Soulmate – Open When You Least Expect It."

He threw it out the window but It flew back in. Spy-chan bit it and dragged it under the bed.

[System Alert: That may have been a cursed love bomb.] [Countermeasures enabled. Spy-chan has absorbed the blast. Emotional side effects may occur.]

A muffled boom sounded.

Spy-chan floated up from under the bed, its fluff now slightly pink but Rei didn't ask.

He simply rolled over and whispered, "I hate how normal this is now."

[System Response: This is your normal. ♥] [End of Day Status Report – Mental Stability: Shaky | Affection Levels: Terrifying | Sleep Chance: 4%]

Rei pulled the blanket over his face.

"Just… one normal dream. Please."

Spy-chan tucked itself beside him and started purring in eldritch Morse code.

The wall gently glowed from a soft illusion someone had cast of Rei and Lilia sitting on a couch together reading a book titled "How To Name Our Eighteen Future Children."

Rei sobbed into his pillow.

To be continued…