Surviving marriage in yandere world

In which safe spaces are a lie, and so is emotional stability. It was supposed to be impenetrable.

Constructed from enchanted mythril, lined with anti-divination runes, stocked with emergency snacks, eight manga volumes, one tattered pillow, and—most crucially—ten soundproof layers of anti-yandere barrier enchantments, Rei's Panic Room was his last bastion of hope.

His only sanctuary and yet…

"–REI-SAMA, OPEN THIS DOOR IMMEDIATELY BEFORE I REPLACE IT WITH YOUR BONES!"

That was Seraphina.

"Reiiii~ My nose says you're in here. My dragon nose doesn't lie."

That was Drakana.

"...My tracking threads lead here. They never fail."

That was Rosette.

"By the holy decree of the Love Cult of Lilia, we demand entrance to the Temple of Husband."

...That was Lilia.

"If you don't open up, I'm going to assume you're cuddling someone else," Alicia said coldly. "And I have salted daggers today."

Rei, curled into a fetal position behind a magically shielded kotatsu, whimpered.

"I just wanted peace…"

[System Alert: Five Yandere Queens Detected at Entry Perimeter.]

[Status: Door Integrity = 7%. Mental Integrity = -16%. Emotional Survivability = N/A.]

[Deploying Useless Advice Protocols.]

[Tip: Have you tried screaming politely?]

Rei slowly looked up at the blinking red crystal core of the system interface embedded in the wall. "If I survive this, I'm uninstalling you with a spoon."

[Update: Spoon detected. Threat level = Valid.]

Just as he was considering eating the wall to escape through sheer panic-induced mining, a knock came.

That was not loud, not angry, just a soft tap tap tap.

"Um… Rei-kun?"

Rei froze.

"...Emilia?"

"Yes! I'm here too! I was invited to the meeting, I think? Or maybe I followed a weirdly shaped trail of rage auras here. Either way, everyone's yelling and it's very exciting!"

Rei's soul left his body and attempted to file for asylum in another genre.

He pressed his forehead against the panic door, whispering, "Why is she here? Why is normal girl here?! This is not her realm! This is Yandere Zone Alpha!"

Outside, the voices resumed.

"–You think your plainness makes you safe?!" Seraphina snarled.

"Say the word, Rei, and I'll turn her into a floor rug," Drakana growled.

"...I already embroidered a tombstone," Rosette added calmly.

"Oh, I just brought muffins!" Emilia beamed cheerfully.

Rei's left eye twitched.

"Muffins. She brought muffins to a rage summit. I'm going to die with carbohydrates in the air."

[System Alert: Muffins Identified. Potential Threat = Mild.]

[Note: May contain walnuts, raisins, or high-grade defiance.]

Suddenly, the door pulsed.

Once.

Twice.

Thrice.

Then—

BOOOOOOM!!!

The reinforced mythril door exploded inward with a sound not unlike a marriage proposal being screamed through a war horn.

Rei, covered in debris and emotional despair, peeked through the smoke and ash.

There they stood. The Council of Chaos, Princess Seraphina, tiara glowing with suppressed murder.

Drakana, smirking with flames licking her fingertips.

Rosette, silent as a specter, holding a tablet that read Assassination Route Confirmed.

Lilia, holding a holy staff that somehow looked like it doubled as a guillotine.

Alicia, expressionless except for the subtle twitch of her blade-shaped hair ornament.

And in the middle of it all—Emilia still holding a muffin tray.

"Wow!" she beamed. "This place is cozy! What's that smell? Is it… betrayal?"

Rei stood. Then took one step back then two.

Then slammed into the far wall, his soul reloading like a crashed video game.

"W-Wait! Let's all talk like rational, non-stabby human beings!"

"Explain the shirt," Seraphina hissed.

Ah, Yes Emilia was still wearing his shirt.

The very same shirt he'd lent her after Rosette's 'accidental' river trap incident. Oversized, faintly scented with Rei's despair and soap. She'd worn it with pride for the last two days, proclaiming it "surprisingly snuggly and dangerously comfortable."

And now, standing here with muffin crumbs and a sunshine smile, she looked like a death sentence with dimples.

"I-It was laundry related! Very innocent! Fully clothed chaos!"

"She smelled like you," Drakana said, snarling.

"She sat in your seat!" Lilia cried, pointing like a courtroom paladin.

"She waved at you this morning!" Alicia added, clutching her dagger.

Rosette flipped her tablet. It now read: Kiss Attempt Probability: 12%. Termination Warrant: Pre-approved.

"I'm going to lie down and die," Rei muttered, curling up behind a box of emergency pudding.

[System Notification: You have entered fetal despair mode.]

[Bonus: +3 Resistance to Verbal Abuse.]

Emilia, unfazed, stepped inside. "You all look so tense! Here! Muffin?"

The tray she held out was steaming with warmth and cinnamon hope.

Seraphina stared. "Do you think muffins can absolve you of stealing Rei-sama's scent?"

Emilia blinked. "...Yes?"

Drakana narrowed her eyes. "...What flavor?"

"Triple berry with white chocolate swirl!"

...

...

"...I'll take one," Drakana muttered.

Seraphina sighed and accepted one with disdain.

Lilia crossed herself dramatically before grabbing two.

Rosette stared, considered, then plucked one and whispered, "...Still planning your funeral."

Alicia didn't speak. She just took a muffin, bit into it, and muttered, "Tolerable."

Rei gawked from behind his pudding box.

"Did… did she defuse a yandere horde with baked goods?!"

[System Alert: Danger Status = Temporarily Suspended.]

[New Title Unlocked: Muffin Whisperer.]

[Bonus Trait: +5 Seconds of Peace.]

But peace is a fragile thing because then, Emilia tilted her head innocently and asked:

"So… when is our group cuddle session?"

Silence, deadly silence. Like the prelude to an opera where everyone gets stabbed in Act One.

"GROUP—" Seraphina began.

"—WHAT did you say?!" Drakana growled.

Rosette dropped her muffin.

Lilia screamed something about "pillow-sharing heresy."

Alicia began sharpening her blade on her teeth. Rei dove under the kotatsu.

[System Warning: You have triggered Event Flag – Group Cuddle Catastrophe.]

[Survival Tip: Curl up, cry and accept your fate.]

As the bickering turned into full-blown threats and muffins became projectiles, Rei finally stood, arms spread, voice trembling.

"STOP!"

The room fell silent.

He looked each girl in the eye.

"I surrender," he said solemnly. "You win. You all win. I will remain in this room. Forever. Alone. With my pudding. And my manga. And no cuddles. None. Zero. Nada. I'll turn into a cryptid. They'll call me the Muffin Ghost of Dorm Room B-12."

Emilia raised her hand. "Can I still bring snacks?"

"NO."

One Hour Later

The room was still. Ashes, muffins, a broken tiara, three daggers, and a single Rosette decoy doll lay strewn across the panic chamber.

Rei sat at the kotatsu, hollow-eyed, sipping tea like a man who'd seen the edge of sanity and waved at it.

The girls had left for now.

Emilia, bless her heart, had cheerfully skipped out after asking if they wanted matching pajamas next week.

Rei leaned back and smiled weakly.

"...Maybe this is fine."

Then he heard it. A soft knock on the wall. He turned slowly and watched, in horror, as the wall panel slid open.

A seventh girl, wearing the uniform of an upperclasswoman, peeked in.

"Hi! I heard this was Rei's panic room? I brought banana bread~"

Rei's scream echoed through the mountains for three days.

Rei's scream faded into a low, broken whimper.

The seventh girl—cheerful, glowing, and far too comfortable for someone who had just breached a classified fortress—stepped fully inside.

She had warm brown eyes, an upperclasswoman's sash, and the aura of someone who bakes for fun and commits war crimes for sport.

"Oh, I'm Maribel," she said sweetly, holding out a neatly wrapped loaf. "We haven't met, but I heard from the Tea Club that you like… being cornered by women in small spaces?"

[System Alert: Unknown Route Detected.]

[Designation: Hidden Yandere Candidate #7.]

[Threat Level: ??]

[Bonus Fact: She has a bread knife in her pocket.]

Rei's brain didn't even try to process the sentence. "No. Nope. No hidden routes. No bonus characters. I've reached my yandere DLC limit, thank you very much!"

Maribel blinked, tilting her head like a cat about to knock over an expensive vase. "Oh, but you haven't tried my banana bread yet."

She placed it gently on the kotatsu. It steamed, It smelled like home and it also smelled… off.

[System Warning: Magical Residue Detected. Possible Enchantment: 'Permanent Housewife Binding'.]

[Side Effect: You will inexplicably crave soup on rainy days.]

Rei flinched back. "I'm not eating that. That's how horror movies start."

"Suit yourself," she said, slicing herself a piece with unsettling grace. "But I'll just leave it here… for when you're ready."

Before Rei could tell her to leave, the front panic door slammed open again.

"Oh, there you are, banana bread thief," Drakana snarled, stepping inside with Seraphina in tow.

"I'm not a thief, I'm a provider," Maribel said, smiling sweetly. "Unlike some dragons who just breathe fire everywhere."

"Fire cleanses," Drakana hissed.

"Muffins heal," Seraphina muttered under her breath, still chewing on her earlier peace-offering.

Rei threw up his hands. "No! No! No alliances forming in my safe space! This isn't a shared custody husband program! This is MY. ROOM."

[System Note: Ownership Claim is meaningless in the presence of seven+ Yandere forces.]

Maribel's smile widened dangerously. "Seven? Oh, Rei… you haven't met Number Eight yet."

The back wall knocked again. Rei's pupils shrank.

"...I'm moving to another continent."

[System Suggestion: Antarctica has low yandere density. Mostly penguins. Minimal stabbing.]

Rei considered it for a full second—before the front and back doors both burst open in perfect sync.

The chaos that followed could only be described as a high-speed bakery war in a magical shoebox. Muffins flew. Banana bread became a projectile. A dagger embedded itself in the emergency pudding stash.

Rei, somewhere between them all, clutched the kotatsu and whispered to himself:

"This is fine. I'm fine. I'm—"

[System Alert: LIE DETECTED.]

To be continued…