Surviving at the Magic Academy

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Mauro told me to find a clear reason that makes me love dolls before I actually fall in love with them.

The more I thought about his words, the more they seemed to make sense. It was something I hadn’t considered before.

Only after being led outside by Unit 0 did I realize how much time had passed. I stared at the Mirror Bug. Several days had already gone by since our trip to the city.

I had no idea that so much time had slipped by while I was locked up in the workshop racking my brain. Sure, I didn’t gain anything substantial, but I learned a bit about what I didn’t know.

I hadn’t found a clear reason to love dolls as Mauro advised. It still felt utterly perplexing.

Instead, what I realized was something completely opposite. It wasn’t a reason to love, but rather a reason not to love that struck me.

Love was, to me, something worthless.

No, it wasn’t just me; other mages felt the same way. If you were a mage, everyone would nod along with my words.

The life of a mage is completed in solitude. Take and be taken, wander and die. That was the entirety of a mage’s life. Who would look at someone else while living such a life?

Of course, those from the so-called mage families were a bit different. They had a larger purpose. Their goal was to produce mages who would reach great heights, like the Archmage who established a university within their clan. That was their aim.

Thus, they welcomed many capable mages into their families and worked hard to create better mages by mixing blood. The university was held in such esteem by wandering mages for this very reason.

Just graduating from the basics of the university was enough to belong to a medium-sized family. It served as a stepping stone to transcend the walls of skill and status and aim higher.

But were the relationships formed there truly love? Probably not. It was as if the entire family had become one mage.

A family, in a sense, is a massive syncretic magical system operating with individual mages as parts. That’s what Professor Ilian once said. And just like that, love didn’t exist for them. Only profit did.

In this way, the feeling of love was worthless in the world of mages. It was the reason I couldn’t create the dolls I loved. I was a mage, and the mindset of a mage never left me.

Of course, I had sometimes harbored carnal desires in my youthful heart. It happened while wandering the continent. The body sometimes acted beyond my expectations. I often mistook those physical urges for love.

But before entering university, as I reached the level of a seedling, those feelings faded away. The tree completely spread into my body, bringing it firmly under my control. The desires were the same.

After that, I no longer confused desire with love. I quietly looked at Mira. She lightly grasped my arm and seemed to feel my gaze, looking up at me. She gave me a slight, playful smile.

“Oh my, it’s a bit embarrassing when you stare like that, you know?”

The faint scent of roses that emanated from her made my heart skip a beat. That enchanting scent flowed along the mist she wove through my body. Along with it, I felt a light pull toward her.

I moved my magic to naturally cut off that flow. This was desire. It generated a form of physical action. All the teasing gestures Mira made toward me were founded on such desires.

Her antics made me continually question what love truly was. That might be why she kept poking at me. I gave her a small nod of thanks.

She had once told me that I seemed to know nothing about love. And she was right. As a mage, I didn’t understand love well.

So was there anything precious to me now? I needed to think about those closest to me first. It had been something I pondered over the past days.

First would be the professor. I am drawn to her. It must be because my body holds the magic of treasures as it transforms. But even setting that aside, she was the most important person to me.

I respect the professor. I also felt deep gratitude toward her. She was the one who brought me to this place called the university, and even now acts as a pillar of support.

It was the same with Mira. I feel thankful to her. If it weren’t for her, I would still be floundering in place, doing nothing. She was the one who got me moving again.

What about Kashian? Maybe less than the first two, but I trusted her. If it weren’t for her, I would have continued with the mindset of a mage. If that were the case, I wouldn’t have been able to have these doubts I’m having now.

Huh, it seems to be only women. I scratched my cheek lightly. This wasn’t what I intended. It’s just how things happened…

In any case, I hope they won’t leave me, that they will move forward with me, and always be a firm support in my path.

So could this be called love? I quietly shook my head. This was better described as trust built through experience. It was merely an expectation stemming from the desire that since they have been that way in the past, I hoped they would continue to be so.

Thus, while I trusted them, I also suspected them. I calculated their actions and prepared for their betrayal.

After all, they could be seen as strangers. Since we don’t know what might happen in the future, it’s not bad to prepare ahead of time. That was the mindset of a mage. Thinking back, everyone has been like that since I became a mage.

But in this entire life, there was one time I remember having something called love.

It sprang from my childhood. It was the love I had for my caretaker. Lin, a very simple name. I only remember that woman as my caretaker.

She was with me for my whole life. From the day I was born until I left the island. From when she was a maiden, through middle age, and into her old age.

She dedicated her entire life to me. She was merely a weed. So now, she’s probably dead. Perhaps she died shortly after I left the island. She would’ve been that age.

I lightly lifted my hand to look at it. It was the same hand I held with my caretaker in my childhood. The little hand of those days was gone. Instead, scars filled with callouses told the time that had passed.

She was my only family. She was my mother, my sister, and my only protector. The caretaker was everything to me at that time. That’s why I loved her. Even now, I can still recall her face.

This memory that has resurfaced may stay with me until I die. It was my trace as a human before becoming a mage and could be said to be my original form.

I recalled Professor On and that doll. Though the form was different from their love, it could still be considered love.

The reason this memory buried deep within my heart surfaced was simple.

Right in front of me, that devoted love had resumed its form once again.

I looked at the massive statue in front of me. Unit 0 perched on its shoulder, wearing a satisfied smile.

“Oh my, look at those tired eyes. You really resemble Ebron!”

Mira said. She left me and approached the statue. I followed her. As she said, the statue’s face resembled mine quite a lot.

“I see…”

I nodded quietly. I continued to gaze at the statue. Just like Unit 0, it had created a doll remarkably like me.

Honestly, I didn’t know Unit 0 could create such a doll. It always produced bizarre things. I recalled the scene on the first floor. There hadn’t been a better object to confirm contamination.

So I figured this doll would be like that. It was the shape that it wanted, after all.

Before, I had only created shapes I desired while pondering love. Hari was an example of that. I thought love stemmed from reaching out in the direction I wanted. Of course, it failed.

But Unit 0 exceeded my expectations. I never imagined it would create me. It sparkled with excitement and let its magic flow. With that, the statue began to move.

Along with that, the flow toward me from Unit 0 started to solidify. It had grown more while making that doll. I could feel the stars forming the essence of its self sparkling brightly.

Unit 0 bore a very pure will. Simply because it wanted to love, it infused my form into the doll. It smiled lightly, taking on a shadowy form that resembled me. That unshakeable faith flowed through our connection.

“Can it move?”

Mira’s eyes sparkled. Unit 0 nodded at those words and controlled the statue. It rested its chin on its hand and stroked its eyelids. The behaviors I usually engaged in.

Mira clapped lightly at the sight. Encouraged by her, Unit 0 began to move the statue with more precision. I stared blankly at the statue.

From that statue, I sensed a frail connection to me. It was unexpected. I thought it couldn’t be like this, even if I hadn’t created it. That meant it had exerted itself to contain me inside it.

Upon hearing Professor On’s assignment, it carved the stone without hesitation. That was Unit 0’s answer at the end. The doll it loved most, the one that holds affection for its creator – that was me.

Unit 0 looked at me with a very smug smile. Seeing that smile slightly stirred my heart. It originated from the trees. That boundless faith. It could be called love. Something I did not possess.

Now that I thought about it, I had recently seen something similar.

I slipped into thought. Where had I seen it? The answer to that question popped up quickly. It was Hao’s faith toward the Heavenly Ring.

Hao believed in the Heavenly Ring. That spirit filled with belief rose endlessly. In a way, that too could be considered love.

In this way, Hao formed the existence known as Hari. Yes, it was a faith strong enough to solidify the other. That kind of faith was also flowing from Unit 0’s doll.

Mauro told me to find a clear reason that makes me love before I actually fall in love. So where did their love come from?

I did not know Hao’s reason. That must be something he reserved only for himself. But I surely understood Unit 0’s reason. Its willpower was vividly conveyed through that connection.

For it, loving me wasn’t a matter of choice.

From the moment it was created, it had a very clear reason inscribed within it. It was like an imprint derived from its existence.

Thus, without hesitation, it created the statue that resembled its creator and father, me. Yes, its love contained gratitude toward the one who had given it life.

That was similar to the feelings I had towards my caretaker in the past.

“Thank you for showing me something good.”

I said to Unit 0. It moved the statue and lightly bowed its head. I felt my heart flutter. I sensed I needed to focus a little more on this feeling.

“Then I’ll head to the workshop first. I feel like I’ve grasped something now.”

I said to Mira. She looked at the statue before lightly waving her hand at me. Leaving her behind, I made my way to my workshop.

Thus far, I had only thought about the things I could love. But I hadn’t filled those loves into the dolls. To me, love was something worthless. All I had learned were the reasons I couldn’t love.

Quietly, I took out a piece of wood. I began to carve it gently. Each time the golden knife brushed past, the flow of the wood connected lightly, revealing its beautiful grain.

At the end, I created a statue that resembled me. I gazed at it quietly. This wasn’t me. It was Unit 0’s rendition of me. A being that resembled me infinitely but was entirely different.

What love was I feeling for this? No, there was none. This was merely a chunk of wood. But it had spent a month carving my likeness, loving it, and forging a connection with its object – me.

How was that possible?

Professor On had said that emotions could flow through the circuits of the doll aside from just magic. For the doll, the most effective force is affection, he insisted.

I had understood that as a sort of metaphorical expression. But what if it were not? Could it literally mean that emotions flow through the circuits? Flowing through the doll’s circuits and then to me.

There existed not only those I loved but also someone who loved me. And that stemmed from me. Looking at Unit 0’s doll, I finally realized that fact.

I fiddled with the piece I held.

I closed my eyes gently. The name Unit 0 carried its literal meaning. It was the first self that started from me. Afterward, I created many other stars based on it. Those adorned my Shadow Tree.

These too, like Unit 0, were linked to me through the Shadow Tree. I was their parent, their pillar, and everything.

That’s why they didn’t complain no matter the situation I threw them into. They simply possessed a blind eagerness toward me and believed and followed my words.

I had viewed them as mere tools. They were beings that stemmed from me. I had thought it only natural for them to follow my commands and, thus, had freely produced and used them as a means of ascending my own skill.

But did they not truly know that?

They too possessed a weak soul. That spirit existed. They sparkled vividly as they created new stars.

Even when knowing that following my orders could endanger them, they threw themselves in without hesitation. At the center of that was love. A heart that solely desired me.

They did not desire my understanding, even if I used them as tools or forsook them. They loved me just as I was.

That was what love was. Only now did I manage to realize it.

I lightly stroked my heart. Beyond that flowed a heavy torrent of emotions. It was a stream I had never considered before. It quietly flowed into me via the Shadow Tree and exited quietly.

This flow of emotions was not confined to me alone. It filled the Shadow Tree, gradually expanding its domain and providing support.

In that flow, I could understand. I had thought they weren’t growing enough compared to my expectations. But that wasn’t the case. They only wished for my growth above their own.

Also, I had thought it was solely my strength sustaining the Shadow Tree. But that wasn’t it either. Just as much, if not more, they were maintaining that domain.

What I had merely viewed as an empty tree was, in fact, filled with their love for me. That warmth filled my heart completely.

Mauro had said to find a clear reason that makes me love dolls before I actually fall in love. Had I been giving them as much love as they gave me? Not at all.

If that were the case, that alone could be sufficient reason. Even if it wasn’t as much as I received, I too should love them. That would be my duty as their creator and as someone in their debt.

As a human and as a mage, that would be a reasonable choice. Feeling the love that came to me like devotion, I began to perceive the stars comprising them more closely.

This couldn’t be called an epiphany. I had recognized what existed but that I hadn’t been aware of until now.

But just that made my world change. Knowing there were beings that looked solely at me, and were fully devoted to me, made the world begin to appear clearer.

Ah, in that moment, I finally understood the meaning of Professor On’s assignment.

He had given us this task to show us what kind of existence the dolls we create are.

I felt I could also grasp where the talent of Doll Manipulation originated. Dolls allow no magic except for that from their creators. I recalled how much I had struggled due to that.

But until now, I had not known the precise reason. I had merely thought it was a type of magic. But now immersed in this flow of emotions, I naturally understood.

There existed only one reason for it. Dolls created by a doll manipulator solely followed their creator from the moment of their birth. That was why they rejected the magic of others. That was the talent of Doll Manipulation.

Longtime doll manipulators say they become entranced by the dolls they make. It was a widely known story. Professor On had too. Now I could understand their feelings.

Just like the self I had created, doll manipulators would communicate with their dolls in their respective ways. And they too must have caught on to what I have realized. How could one not love an existence that follows them in such a way?

I felt the weak love I had for the selves I had created and for those dolls twitching within my heart. In that exchange of feelings, the connection to them grew even stronger.

My Shadow Tree slowly began to expand its domain through that flow of emotions.

Only now did I realize what kind of doll I needed to create. It was already stored within my heart.

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