Chapter 15.8: Me and Her VIII
The eardrum-numbing scream likely pierced all the way to the ground.
This was the only time ever that I had ever caught sight of such a look on Hyuga’s face. Her glasses were out of alignment and her breath was erratic. Even I had been yelling a lot, but not as much as Hyuga.
I was struck speechless this time, and Hyuga grabbed my arm and seized it frantically with a frustrated expression. The force was so intense that I didn’t think it was coming from a girl, and her slender fingers dug into my skin.
“I can’t put it into words well… but this isn’t a lie!!”
“What!?”Translator: MadHatter
“I can see it, senior…!!”
“That hurts, you…!”
“Whether you believe me or not is fine, but senior is―”
Before she could say anything else, I jerked Hyuga’s arm away from me. In recoil, Hyuga staggered away from me. Her red-rimmed glasses fell off with a light clink.
And then, I let loose one of the worst words I could ever say to Hyuga.
“I don’t understand…”
I couldn’t help but wish that I had held my tongue.
But…NotSharedOnAggregatorSite
“Don’t make me go along… with your nauseating fantasies!!”
Those were the worst words I could have said in a moment of excessive bloodlust. Words could not be taken back. Once spoken, that was the end of it. To Hyuga, those words may have been a crippling blow, irrespective of how much I may have lost my mind in anger or how heartless the words were.
She was motionless as if she had been struck by a bullet, not picking up her glasses, only looking at me with her eyes and remaining silent for a while.
At the same time as I said it, I felt as if I had been liberated from something and finally caught on to the harshness of the words I had uttered a few seconds before, and held my breath.
“Sor…”
I opened my mouth again to say something, but Hyuga picked up her glasses, took a step away from me, and declared with a broad smile, “I hate you, senior. You are a piece of crap.”
Hyuga’s parting shot was accompanied by a small teardrop on her cheek.
“Hah, is that so… What a coincidence…―I share the same feeling toward you.”
With a blank expression on my face, I walked past Hyuga. This was the end. I realized at this point that there was nothing more I could say. So I left the rooftop with those words.
I paused momentarily at the bottom of the stairs as Hyuga’s muffled sobs lingered on the rooftop after I descended but I did not go back.
It wasn’t that I lacked the courage to apologize. I ran away out of disgust with my irredeemable self, who had ruined everything in a moment of emotional distress. This was the last time I shared a conversation with Hyuga.
A couple of days later―on a rainy day after the summer break, Hyuga jumped off the rooftop where we had parted in a fight.
―She died.
ㅤ
“Hah… Ugh―!”
Waking up, I sobbed violently as I lay there, overcome by the sensation of my gastric juices regurgitating. Right away, Takenaka poured a glass of Pocari, handed it to me, and patted my back.
“Do you want to go to the bathroom?”
“No…”
Sweat dripped from my bangs as I shook my head feebly.
“Hah…”
Memories that had been sealed deep within flooded back and became clear again… what kind of a person Hyuga was, and how I regarded her.
“Hah hah hah…”
One more thing… became clear. I became certain of it. So much so that there was no denial, I could say that this was already conclusive.
“After all, I killed her huh…”
Perhaps something had been overlooked in the process. Right, despite my faint hopes, the memories I had discarded were even more ruthless than I had expected.
The origin of Hyuga’s death… It could only be me… Nobody else but me could have cornered her…
That recollection must be connected to the nightmares I suffered night after night these days.
Hyuga died while cursing me for the awful words I hurled at her, for hurting her, for calling her a liar…
[Then prove it to me.]
So that was how things were. Hyuga intended to prove to me… that she was not lying.
She killed herself and appeared in front of me to deny the words that I spat out at that time―
It was natural for her to bear a grudge when she met her end like that.
The wind from the fan sent the photograph on the table flying and falling on the tatami mats. That was picked up by Takenaka. With his eyes downcast on the photo, he looked as if he had spotted something extraordinary and creased his brow. He muttered something in a small voice but I couldn’t hear it.
“Takenaka… Thank you very much… Now it’s finally clear… Hyuga didn’t show up before me to tell me something. She showed up… because she holds a grudge against me.”
“Hakamada.”
“I mean, there is no other reason… I don’t need you to explain, it was me who drove her to suicide…”
“As you said, Hakamada, she probably still has… some unresolved feelings in this world and has not been able to rest in peace.”
That remark made my heart ache even more.
“But.”
Perhaps Takenaka was aware of this, and chose every single word, slowly letting me hear it as I was about to collapse.
“It could be… that there was something else… that she chose to die for.”
“Something else…”
There was something else…? What was it―
When I crawled out from under the futon and asked him this, Takenaka averted his eyes.
“Do you know… what it is?”
“…”
“Please tell me if you know it…!”
“I can’t do that.”
“W-Why…!?”
I wondered how many times I had thrown the same words at him, yet for all my pleading, Takenaka would not enlighten me on the rest of the story.
Why?
In my frustration, I reached out my arm to grasp Takenaka’s shoulder. However―before I could grab his shoulder, my vision turned around… and in that way…
Right on the verge of falling flat on my face to the tatami mats, Takenaka helped me up again.
I truly was so pathetic…
“I’m sorry…”
“I can’t tell you now. If you know now, surely you will…”
Any more than this―
In the middle of his words, Takenaka made me lie down on the futon again and heaved a small sigh. He looked somewhat agitated.
At the sight of his expression, I reluctantly closed my open mouth, though I wanted to pursue the rest of Takenaka’s words and what they meant.
Being the quietest and most sensible person on the night shift, Takenaka still held mysteries that I was not aware of. Since he rarely spoke much, I was clueless as to what he was thinking behind his expression.
“I have something to say.”
Takenaka finished his preparation for leaving and looked back at me.
“You may inevitably feel guilty about her… but please don’t be too hard on yourself. Rather than blaming yourself, you need to recover first. Please eat something nourishing, not just somen noodles, and get well soon.”
I gratefully accepted Takenaka’s words of advice despite his lack of a smile.
“And.”
“And…?”
“For three days from Friday, I am going back to my parents’ house.”
I was momentarily taken aback by what he was referring to but soon realized what he meant.
“Oh, it’s Obon time, isn’t it?”
Takenaka announced softly, “Yes, so I’ve asked the manager to change my shift a little so he can fill in for me. So, if anything happens… while I’m gone, please contact me,” then got up and turned to walk to the front door.
“Um…”
He was ready to depart when I suddenly recalled something and I interrupted him with a brief remark as he gripped the rusted doorknob.
“I have one, no, two… questions.”
“What is it?”
“Hyuga… is there any way to make her rest in peace…”
“Even if you could get in touch with her… I think it would be fairly difficult in her current state… even if there is a way to do it. That’s exactly… what being prepared to die is all about.”
“I… see…”
“What’s the other question?”
Prompted, I revealed something that had been bugging me all this time.
“Why… are you always helping me out?”
His eyes briefly widened before instantly narrowing. He cast his gaze diagonally downward and fell silent.
Was that gesture a sign that he didn’t want to disclose it?
“You would probably feel turned off by… if I told you.”
That made me want to ask even more if he mentioned like that. I mean, what reason would there be to worry about getting turned off by?
“No, I would still be happy to hear it.”
Takenaka looked highly reluctant to tell me, and after the long hand of the clock moved one more time, he told me, “It’s for my own sake.”
I thought in my heart that I wanted him to offer a few more words but perhaps it showed on my face.
“To tell you the truth, everything I’ve been doing up until now… I’ve been doing it all for myself, not for you.”
I must be a jerk, right? His eyes were loaded with forlornness as if to say that.
Why did he make that kind of face?
Given his integrity, Takenaka’s answer could not have been a falsehood. For some reason, I was not convinced. Or rather, it didn’t feel satisfying.
But Takenaka didn’t seem to be willing to elaborate any further.
“Well then… I’ll be going now.”
As if to escape, he turned the doorknob, bid farewell, and left. I may have touched on a subject I wasn’t supposed to hear.
Feeling slightly apologetic, I closed my eyes as I listened to the sound of footsteps going down the stairs.
The silence that ensued after Takenaka’s departure gripped me with dread. Even though nobody else was in the room apart from me, I was sensitive to the faint creaking of the floor in my ears and the occasional sound of water dripping from the bathroom.
My chest fidgeted and I felt restless. While my body felt sluggish and wanted to bury itself under the futon, my heart thumped anxiously in the darkness cast by my closed eyelids.
When did I become so timid? I shut my eyes tightly in disbelief. Many times I persistently tried to go back to sleep, thinking about irrelevant things in my head and attempting to do so as fast as possible but I couldn’t…
From then on, it was difficult to fall asleep.
I felt as if there was a blood-soaked Hyuga standing by my bedside.