NOVEL WEB Chapter 382
One hundred and eightieth page False Funeral
[December 9th, Tuesday]
[6:32 AM]
Today, my grandmother will hold a grand funeral for herself.
This is an experience that a normal person would never have or should have in their lifetime.
However, this kind of thing is commonplace for my grandfather; to keep the secret, each of her believers must go through this, attending their own funeral as a necessary ritual to sever ties with the past.
On this chilly morning, my aunt sent Sister Ling Qing to pick us up at the memorial hall since Orange and the others were also going. There were too many people for one car, so Sister Ling Qing and Uncle Hong each brought two cars.
In the end, Sister Lei, Little Hai Tang, Orange, and Xiao Qian Xia rode in Sister Ling Qing’s sedan;
while I, Mom, and some cold-sensitive small animal got into Uncle Hong’s minivan.
There was a reason for this arrangement.
Uncle Hong’s car was special; its rear compartment had been modified to fit two large wardrobes, and all the windows were covered with opaque one-way film, making it impossible to see inside from the outside, perfect for changing clothes.
As we got in, Uncle Hong glanced at the rearview mirror from the driver’s seat.
“On the left, there’s a suit, Miss Xiao Wei. You look about the same size as I did when I was Nanshan, so it should fit.”
Mom seemed a bit awkward but politely thanked him, “Thank you.”
Inside those wardrobes were all the outfits Uncle Hong wore when he transformed into Miss Nanshan, including even some strange outfits like a racing girl costume. This naturally piqued curiosity about what kind of person this seemingly respectable married man really was behind closed doors…
I hadn’t interacted with him before, but Xiao Kai knew him well, which made me form a good impression of him as well. He was Brother Zhu’s reliable driver and part-time secretary, and after transforming, he was indeed a stunning beauty, making it hard to leave a bad impression.
I half-jokingly asked, “Uncle Hong, aren’t you going to transform into Miss Nanshan?”
The slender middle-aged man replied, “No, today I’m just a driver. I don’t need to help the kids with homework, so why bother?”
Miss Nanshan was not only Brother Zhu’s secretary but also Xiao Qian Xia’s tutor. Uncle Hong also had a daughter in elementary school, so teaching Xiao Qian came naturally to him.
“Of course! Since there’s no partition between the front and back seats, we can’t let you take advantage of Mom changing clothes…”
“That has nothing to do with gender…”
Despite his words, he transformed into Miss Nanshan amidst a burst of white light. His suit was uneven, looking somewhat odd.
He smoothed his long hair and undid a couple of buttons that were almost popping open.
Turning around, he asked, “Is this okay?”
“Miss Nanshan, why don’t you change into another outfit? The shoes might be too big for driving…”
“No need, I’ll transform back once Miss Xiao Wei is done.”
She seemed like quite a boring person.
—
Uncle Hong only dropped us off at the entrance of the memorial hall.
“Misses, you can get out here.”
Although we got out, I still asked, “Is Uncle Hong in a hurry?”
“There are other guests to pick up, and it’s early. I recommend walking in the garden rather than going straight to the memorial hall.”
“Mm, thank you.”
The rising window glass blocked Uncle Hong’s face, and then he drove away.
Yuzu perched on my shoulder and said, “It’s three of us, not two. Don’t underestimate me!”
“Hey, there are others here, don’t speak so freely!”
As punishment, I poked her pink triangular nose.
“Mom, shall we go in?”
“Mm, but it’s a bit cold outside.”
Mom rubbed her arms.
“This outfit is a bit thin, I’ll add some heating wire.”
A dark-colored women’s suit with a floral collar white shirt, though formal for a funeral, didn’t suit Mom well. She looked great in a suit as an old dad, but as a woman, she seemed too soft.
From her hair, body, eyes, to her personality, everything about Mom was too gentle. To me, the most fitting outfit for her would be a pure white, holy… wedding dress?
My own outfit was similar, except instead of trousers, I wore a knee-length skirt.
“It’s much warmer now, thanks, Xiao Ying.”
Mom held my arm with her suit on, “That’s all I can do now.”
Yuzu whispered, “This memorial hall is huge, like a European castle’s garden. Isn’t this in the city center?”
I looked at the bronze plaque on the gate.
“Yeah, seems like some historical building, can’t be demolished as cultural relics… Aunt Zhen really went all out, how much would it cost to rent such a place?”
Mom laughed bitterly, “Considering it’s Grandma Huangfu’s funeral, let’s take a look around before it gets crowded.”
Aunt Zhen had prepared thoroughly for this funeral.
Though the crematorium was in the suburbs, the memorial hall was set up in the city center. The land prices and such were beyond my understanding, but holding a funeral in such a prime location was no small feat.
Apparently, Grandma’s “corpse” had already been placed inside the glass coffin for people to pay respects and view the remains.
Grandpa’s dummy was indistinguishable from a real person, even the mortician who applied makeup couldn’t tell the difference, easily fooling everyone.
“Grandma is still Grandma. Mom, don’t make a fool of yourself.”
To my teasing, Mom rarely smiled.
“Haha, I’ve seen bigger scenes than you, Xiao Ying. I won’t embarrass myself in front of my daughter.”
Since it was a funeral for outsiders, the scale had to be as grand as possible to match Grandma’s noble status.
“Oh! Sister Ying, Sister Xiao Wei, over here!”
Sister Lei’s voice.
I looked up and saw the red-haired idiot waving enthusiastically, clearly not acting like someone here for a funeral.
It seemed more than just us wanted to stroll in the memorial hall’s garden. Little Hai Tang and the others had arrived earlier and were enjoying the winter scenery.
Breathing out white mist, Little Qian Xia, wearing a knitted sweater, ran over with her arms spread wide. This lively little thing jumped into my arms and then hugged Yuzu, rubbing her cheeks joyfully while pointing at something, “Sister Ying, look~ This garden has flowers that bloom in winter!”
She was referring to plum blossoms.
Dark tree trunks dotted with brownish-yellow flowers stood out among the green holly plants, making them the stars of winter.
“That’s a plum blossom. Do you like plum blossoms, Qian Xia?”
Mom bent down to touch Little Qian Xia’s head. The little girl immediately let go of me and snuggled into Mom’s embrace, nodding, “Mm! I love flowers, especially the ones Dad planted!”
Her cute appearance hid the truth—she loved her chest the most.
“You’re too fond of being pampered.”
But Mom didn’t see through Little Qian Xia’s mischief.
Though I was older, she preferred clinging to Mom, giving me a sense of losing out… maybe because I had hugged too much in dreams, losing interest in chests like mine and Xiao Kai’s.
I sighed, “They arrived earlier, looks like Sister Ling Qing drives faster.”
Little Hai Tang finally approached.
“Not true, we just got here too. But can you stop joking around? Today we’re here for Principal Huangfu’s memorial service, not for a winter outing. Stay serious.”
As expected, Little Hai Tang, even outside school, was a model student council president.
Sister Lei shrugged, “Don’t worry, I’ll cry when it’s time. After all, the person isn’t really dead. Why should we look gloomy now?”
Halfway through her sentence, Little Hai Tang’s hand slipped under Sister Lei’s skirt and grabbed her waist… a very stimulating move in winter. The fool jumped around for three and a half rounds before stopping.
“I didn’t ask you to be overly sad, just don’t laugh. Ultimately, why did you specifically take leave to come?”
Little Hai Tang had a point.
She was the student council president and belonged to this circle, but Sister Lei and Grandma had no connection. At most, she was a future granddaughter-in-law, but that wasn’t certain yet, not even Xiao Kai could attend.
Straightening her clothes, Sister Lei retorted, “Why can’t I come to mourn the beloved former principal as a student?”
“Your identity is a transfer student… you just don’t want to attend class, right?”
I teased her and then asked, “Speaking of which, how’s Zǐ Jiàng’s research going? Even Aunt and Brother Zhu came, will she come today?”
At this, Sister Lei sighed and shrugged helplessly.
“There’s been almost no progress. She hasn’t even asked me to do any experiments. To break through that ‘dimensional wall,’ she’s been tutoring Xiao Xue nonstop. For a fake funeral like this, she obviously won’t come.”
“Why did you come then?”
Sister Lei gave herself a thumbs-up, “Hey, no school and free food, how could I miss this?”
Little Hai Tang’s icy hand reached out again toward the fool’s tender waist.
But Zǐ Jiàng hadn’t come to school yesterday. Hopefully, she wasn’t under too much pressure. It was understandable that the research had no direction since there were no references available. Even with Xiao Xue’s knowledge, relying on their rudimentary magical skills to break through the barrier of reality was as difficult as using an abacus to calculate a nuclear chain reaction formula.
She was missing more than just one piece of the puzzle. I needed to find a way to help her, but I didn’t understand these things…
Maybe Grandpa could help. Though not as skilled as Mom, he was the most proficient in magic among us.
As I pondered how to assist Zǐ Jiàng, a cheerful voice echoed from afar.
“Hey! Since you’re here, why not enter the hall instead of standing outside in the cold?”
Looking up, I saw a strong-bodied dog-eared girl leaning against the iron railing on the second floor of the hall.
“Dog Sister! They’re here too?”
Behind her was another twin without dog ears. This was her first time participating in such a grand event, and Mù Xī looked a bit uncomfortable.
Since they had called us in, I turned to the group.
“We’ve explored the garden enough, shall we go in?”