NOVEL WEB A heavy burden
Laguna - North-end - Dawn - Proxy
Waking up, the first thing I feel is this dry lump in my throat, like there’s a whole ass desert inside me. I want to cough but I choke it down, opting to force my eyes open. There’s a wooden roof over my head. That should be normal, but slumming it outside for months makes it alien. I try to sit up but a sudden jolt of pain runs across my chest. Okay, getting up isn’t happening.
The last thing I remember is passing out after the fight was over, and that’s about it. We were still in the chasm too. Nunnalé must’ve got us out of there. More importantly, where am I? The others probably brought me here after the fight, but where the hell are they? I wish I could get up and go see, but with my wound acting up, that ain’t happening.
“Hello…”
Man, my throat is dry! I need water, anything… Oh, I hear footsteps. They’re approaching the door to this room. The doorknob turns and the door pushes open.
“...Proxy?” Alex steps through the door, his arm wrapped in a makeshift sling. “...Proxy! You are awake.”
“Yep, still kicking, somehow.”
“That is a relief.”
“Is everyone else alright, what happened to Cade, and what about that fur-wearing freak?”
“O-one question, please.”
“Oh, sorry.”
“Cade is fine. He is recuperating in the room next to this one.”
“...Good, that's good.”
I already know he should be fine but I just wanted to make sure.
“...Proxy, I…must thank you, and apologize for my behavior…”
“Alex, it's–”
“Please…just for a moment.” I put the breaks on whatever I have to say to give him the time to speak. “...When you asked whether I would allow Cade to massacre our enemies, I showed weakness. A weakness I never wished to show anyone. There was fear in my heart, and that fear took hold of me. It was pathetic of me, and I am ashamed of myself.”
He faces me with a resolute face, ready to hear what I have to say about that.
“I mean...yeah, you kinda have a point, and to be honest, it did piss me off a bit. But I forgive you.”
“Really?”
“In the end, you changed your mind and you even stuck your neck out for him. So, we good, homie.”
He sighs in relief, letting down his shoulders, and takes a seat on my bed. “I wanted to be someone you and everyone else could rely on, a man who can lead people for a just cause; the same as my father.”
“Your dad?”
“His name was Sigurd.”
“You mean the knight you and Garrick talked about?”
“Indeed, he is my father. He was a shining example of what it meant to be a knight, but more importantly, a hero. If I could live up to that, then I could accomplish my goal. However, from recent events, I am unable to see myself becoming him.”
“What will you do then?”
“I…will have to accept that I am not him, but myself. I am Alexander, and as long as I have allies who trust in me, then I shall strive for nothing but the best! Is that fine?”
“Better than fine. That's awesome, man.”
“May I ask for you to put up with me once more?”
“You didn't have to ask. I got your back no matter what.”
He doesn’t need to convenience me, I can already see the fire in his eyes again. A moment of weakness doesn’t make you weak, I think it just makes you human… At least, that’s what I learned ever since I came here; everyone’s grappling with something, fighting to keep themselves from collapsing beneath their baggage. I don’t think that makes you pathetic or lesser, that makes you strong. And even if the weight crushes you, sometimes it isn’t a bad thing to ask for a hand. If that’s what I’m good for, then I’m gonna do it.
“I wanna see Cade,” I tell Alex. “Can you give me a hand? It’s a bitch and a half just to get up.”
“Of course.”
He helps me up to my feet. Despite the searing pain coursing through my chest like an electric shock, I manage to get to my feet. Alex gives me his shoulder and guides me out of the room. There’s a large hole in the roof in the narrow hall. The sky is a tad brighter. Must be early dawn…
Alex opens the door next to my room. Cade is sitting on a chair, facing a window. The bruises from my fists - no doubt about that - are still visible, and he’s holding his stomach. He isn’t giving off that “I wanna kill you all” aura anymore, he actually looks calm; probably the calmest I’ve seen a person after a fight.
“Yo, anything good on?” Cade turns to me, seemingly confused by my joke. “It…makes more sense back home.”
“Proxy!?”
“What, thought I was dead or something?”
“No, I…I was just worried. After our fight, you passed out and I thought–”
“Don’t sweat it, I’m all better now. Just need some bandage, disinfectant, food, then a shit load of sleep.”
His relief quickly turns to guilt as he looks away from me. “...I’ve been thinking about stuff.”
“Whoa, that’s dangerous.”
He lets out a dry chortle. Alex helps me down a chair across from him. “Asshole… No, but seriously, I’ve been thinking about everything so far and the things I’ve done… I hurt people, and killed them, all for the sake of vengeance. When it came to that bandit–”
“Marie.”
“...Marie, I wanted her dead for what she did to me; I didn’t care who was in my way, I just wanted her gone. But in the end…I acted like the people who wronged me.” I want to tell him it’s okay, or that I understand, but all of that seems vain and hollow. The best I can do is listen and let him get everything off his chest. “I just…wanted some justice…for my parents, for Wedge’s brother, for Puck’s family, and everyone else. But all I did was add to the pile.” A grim expression dawns on his face. “There’s no coming back from this…”
“So what are you gonna do now?”
“I…just want to go find my friends.”
“Then let’s get to it.” Alex helps me up, almost like he reads my mind. I carefully move towards Cade, placing my hand on his shoulder. “Moping around won’t get us anything.”
“You're right…” He clasps my arm, shakily standing on his own. “...The rest of them are still in the city. I left them behind.”
“We’re going to go get them and bury the hatchet, right?”
“That’s not a bad idea…”
“Anyone here!?”
A voice coming from outside immediately catches our attention. We crowd up to the window, looking for anyone down there. The chasm is across the plaza; water is slowly filling it in. It’ll probably level out eventually, or something… Not too sure how that works. Either way, I’m just glad we aren’t in that anymore.
“Marie!?” Alex murmurs, dumbstruck by her appearance.
Holy crap, it is here! She’s standing next to the chasm, holding a spear in one hand. Alex just bolts out of the room without a word. I wanna run too but I don’t think that’s gonna be possible right now.
“Wait here, Cade.”
I begin limping my way to the door. This isn’t good, I can barely move my body and it hurts when I do. Where’s a crutch when I need one?
“Let me help.” Cade puts my arm over his shoulder. “This is the least I can do.”
“Thanks, man,”
He helps me out of the room, and down a flight of rickety stairs that are probably a couple of pounds away from collapsing in on themselves. The living room doesn’t look any better than the rest of this house. There is a hole in the wall, a broken window, slash marks all over the place, and the lower half of the door missing. To say the least, this place is not nice and comfy for the whole family.
Outside, the siblings are hugging it out. They’re both crying, not loudly but the tears streaming down their faces. Tonight was a shit show but at least some things turned out right in the end. A minute flies by before they leave each other’s embrace.
I wave to her, grinning the best I can despite the pain. “Mission accomplished! You should have seen us, Marie!”
“But…what happened to you guys?”
“I…did this.” Cade moves from behind me, facing Marie with a sullen expression. “It’s my fault.”
An unbearable silence overtakes us, strangling the bit of joy in this reunion. Cade trains his dreadful eyes on Marie, who has the same look as him.
“Your name is Marie, right?”
“Yes, I am.”
Her voice is steeled, answering his question without fear or surprise. They face each other with wildly different expressions that throw what I thought would happen into the trash. Something happened to her while we weren’t looking; she’s gotten her vigor back, and more.
“...Years ago, in my village…bandits came and murdered everyone… I saw you.” Marie doesn’t flinch and she keeps her eyes forward on Cade, who has his eyes on the ground. “...I hated you, all of you. I just wanted to kill you, no matter what it took, or how long; I just wanted you bandits to suffer… Do you feel anything, even a semblance of remorse? Does it keep you up at night? Plague your dreams, or even feel like you’re choking on the inside?”
“...Yeah, it does, and I feel nothing but guilt.”
“Then why, why did you do it!?”
“For survival… But, if I'm being honest, a part of me did it because I hated the outside.”
“What? You mean, the outside of the kingdom?”
“Yeah. I grew up in the kingdom, where it was safe and away from people who wanted everyone dead. Course, that’s only if you were a noble. During wartime, the king only cared about nobility, anyone else was shit out of luck. A horrible thing to say but those were horrible times.” Alex mentioned she lived in the kingdom, but he never told me she was a noble. “...But when you’re a kid, you don’t really have a big scope of the world, and you don’t care; the home you grow up in, that’s your world. Like yours, mine was burned down in one night, and it was because of someone from the outside.”
“So, you became a bandit for revenge?”
“Not entirely. I had no choice. They sort of have a, “join us or die” policy. But, there was a part of me that did it for revenge, to hurt the people who took everything from me. However, revenge isn’t so straightforward. When I saw them raise villages, kill anyone without a second thought, and take whatever they wanted, my stomach churned… They begged, pleaded, and offered themselves up for someone else. But they all died anyway. My hands are sullied in their blood because if it wasn’t them, it would be me.”
“Do you think that excuses you!? You think this makes up for anything you’ve done!”
“No, it never will, and there's no way I can begin to say how sorry I am or give you back what you lost.”
“Then, what are you going to do about it?”
“I have to own up to what I’ve done, and take responsibility. The only way to do that is by crushing the Fire Wraths and ending all of this… I won’t ask you to forgive me, and I don’t want you to forget your hatred for me, but I am asking you to allow me to try and right my wrongs.”
Another long pause rears its head again. I'm not gonna say anything about it, but it’s starting to get on my nerves big time.
“...My feelings, even my hatred for you won’t change, they never will.”
“I know.”
“But…” He looks at me, then back at Marie. “...Proxy trusts you, and I trust in him. So, I’ll believe in the person he sees in you.”
“Thank you.”
“Although, if you betray that trust, I’ll make sure you pay for it. Am I clear?”
“Yes.”
“Also… I just… I’m tired of seeing more blood. Killing you now wouldn’t make me feel any better.”
Revenge is a heavy thing to carry, isn’t it? Feeling angry or upset is one thing, but always having to feel that, to carry those emotions with you for the rest of your life; even making them the sole reason you push forward, sounds downright hellish to live like that.
“Proxy…I’m gonna go find them. Puck, Wedge, everyone else.”
“By yourself?”
“Yeah, I have to.”
“Hang on a sec! I said I’d help, so–”
“You’re hurt, and no offense, but I don’t want to drag you around the city beaten to shit. Besides, you need to stick with your people. This is where you belong.”
“But…are you sure?”
“Yeah. I have to go to them and lead them properly. Their rage, anger, sorrow, and every bit of lament. I need to help them with all of it.”
“We can help you rejoin them,” Alex offers.
“I think that’d be dangerous. They still think of you guys as the enemy, so me going on my own is for the best.”
Right, most of them see me as a traitor, and I can’t even imagine how they’d feel about the anti-bandit army. And he has a point. Dragging my ass around would just slow him down. I also wanted to go to find Richard. He’s still out there, but Nunnalé is going after him, so he’s as good as found. Besides, I know he’d never keel over and die, even if he fought Cade; call it a gut feeling.
“Take care, Proxy. And thank you…for everything. I’ll never forget your kindness, ever…”
“Oh, Cade,” Marie calls. “...I saw your friends… One of them is injured but they’re still alive. The other protected me… When you see them, can you thank them for me?”
His mouth is slightly gaping open, dumbstruck by her sudden request. Eventually, he draws in a bit of air. “Probably…”
He didn’t return eye contact. Instead, walking onward. Whether or not he didn’t look back was significant, I don’t know. Maybe Marie acknowledging her crimes left him a tad unsatisfied, or perhaps he’s just not trying to think about her. And I think that’s just how it is, having trauma and scars like they run too deep to get rid of fully. Emotions born out of those moments are too strong for words, so it’s not far-fetched to say that those feelings will never die out, even when someone is willing to forgive. Will I have to feel that someday? And when I do, what’s gonna happen to me…? I sure as hell hope I don’t have to.
…/Proxy
Walking is a pain in the ass. Elizabeth could’ve at least tried to park close by. Maybe we should’ve waited for Richard and Nunnalé. Not like I’m worried about them, they can take care of themselves, but I just hope they figure out we’re going after the bus.
“How are you two holding up?”
“Never better,” I tell her, gritting my teeth.
“I, too, have never felt better… Although, my arm would disagree with me.”
“That’s not funny,” Marie harshly says.
“S-sorry, sister.”
The best we can do is put up a front and say these wounds don’t mean shit, but she can see right through us. Marie isn’t having any of it, and for once, I can’t just say she’s nagging me and leave it at that. It doesn’t matter what I learned today, if I die, then that’s that. I gotta do better next time to avoid something like this. Maybe I should wear armor?
“Proxy, Alexander… Um,” Marie, stammering and rubbing the back of her head, murmurs.
“Yeah?”
“...I remember what you guys said to me when I was ‘out of it’. And I…appreciate it. Really… You didn’t have to do that for me.”
“Why not? You’re my ally, and I’d be a shitty friend if I didn’t try to help you.”
Marie’s face flushes red, immediately catching me off guard. Is she…embarrassed? She has to be, I mean, she’s never looked that way before, not that I can remember. She’s struggling to hide it, twisting around just to get eyes off her.
“Did you…”
“I didn’t blush!”
“You did.”
“I didn’t! I’m not a little girl!”
“Aw, come on. We all get embarrassed. Though, now that I think about it, you getting all flustered cause of what I said, and acting all shy, I’d say you’re finally acting like a delicate flow–”
“Finish that sentence, and I’ll throttle you.”
A brief, painful memory of Marie’s punch rushes through my head.
“Sorry ma’am, I won’t say anymore,” I mumble under my breath
Knife wounds, sure. Dropping into a chasm, why not? Nearly getting crushed by a big ass tree branch? Go right ahead. But her punches are something else, and my poor nose knows that.
“Still, thank you, Proxy, and you too, brother. I won’t let any of you down. Never again.”
“Don’t worry about it. We know you won’t.”
It's finally starting to feel like everything is going back to normal. No more doom and gloom, just good times kicking ass, and being heroes, baby!
“How far did they go?” Marie asks, sounding somewhat frustrated.
“Perhaps they are still dealing with the bandits?”
“Huh?”
Oh, right, Marie has no idea what's going on.
“We'll fill you in later.”
My feet are starting to get tired, something I never thought I'd hear myself say. But a loud, mechanical sound helps me shake off my fatigue. An engine, no two ways about it.
“Think it's bandits or friendlies?” I ask.
“Let's hide,” Marie suggests.
We take cover in the nearest alley, anticipating whether the enemy is coming back or our allies. Ocean was with them when they left, so I doubt he'd let them do anything, right? The vehicle draws closer, coming into view. I have to squint to see what it is, though… a bus—that's a bus!
“That's…”
“Everyone!”
We hurry out of the alley and rush towards the bus. Alex and Marie wave to them, signaling we're friendly. He'll, I start yelling to let them know it's me. Now I don’t have to walk anymore!
…
Dashing through the ruined streets, Cade, despite his wounds, moves with renewed vigor, searching the streets for him. The beaten boy’s mind floods with all sorts of thoughts; on Proxy, his wound, the guilt he feels, whether it was right or not to let Marie live. But more importantly, he was concerned for his friends, the people he could call his family. He doesn’t know where they are, or if he can find them in this large, desolate city. But he spurs himself on, racing down the streets without a shred of doubt.
“Puck! Wedge! Anybody!?” His voice carries throughout the dead city and nothing more. “Anyone! It's Cade…! Please, answer me!”
Silence… Cade sinks to his knees, gnashing his teeth. He curses himself; if only he didn't listen to Jed, if he didn't leave the rest of his friends behind in blind rage. If only he could've seen the path he was walking would drag everyone else with him. Lament and scorn build in his chest, threatening to swallow him whole…
“Moping around isn't going to get me anywhere…”
The phrase resounds inside his head… Surrendering to despair is easy, and sometimes comforting. Anger, hate, sorrow, anxiety, and bitterness are easy to lose yourself in since they ask nothing more of anyone. Cade unknowingly did just that, embracing those feelings when it was convenient for him to do so. His hate for the bandits, his sorrow for his family’s deaths, and his bitterness towards the kingdom, it was easy to let it swallow him…
But for the first time in years, since his family died, he sees this. His desire to give in to his negative thoughts is strong, preparing for the worst is simple. However, when despair wraps you in its embrace, the glimmering light called hope extends a warm, welcoming hand. After years of bottling it up, keeping his burdens straddled to himself, and tired of the suffocating hands around him, he reaches out his hands for it.
“Gotta keep going. He didn’t put his life on the line for me to sit on my ass and do nothing!”
He stands back up with a hardened resolve, clenching his fist. Cade moves his body, fighting through the pain of his injuries again. He shouts motivating words inside his head. The city is big, but that doesn’t matter to him anymore. If it takes days, so be it; he’ll scour the whole place, yelling at the top of his lungs, running until his heart explodes. His friends - his family, that’s his hope.
“Over there,” Two voices say at the same time.
Cade stops dead in his tracks. Goosebumps run down his arms at the unbelievable sight in front of him, his breath runs short at the vivid figures in front of him. A woman in a clean, white dress with long, well-kept, beautiful hair, and a man, whose muscles, big hands, and towering height immediately leap out to him.
“Mom…dad?”
They point to the far left end of the street he is facing. They don’t speak, yet, Cade understands what they’re trying to do. Tears well up in his eyes but he presses onward. Faster and faster, he feels his lungs and heart thumping against his chest. “Was it my imagination, or is it related to these weird abilities?” Those thoughts, while present, pales to him wishing for his friend’s safety.
“PUCK, WEDGE!”
His voice travels across the city as if it were the wind itself. He waits in bated silence, listening for anything resembling a voice other than his own, begging for someone to answer.
“CADE!”
That voice kills any remnants of anxiety in Cade’s heart. He chases after the voice, running harder than he previously was. Several voices shouting his name reach high into the sky. He races faster and faster down the streets.
…
Jed takes labored breaths while using his weapon as a cane through the outskirts of the city. Blood soaked the bundle of cloth he used to bandage up the wound where his arm used to be. The pain eats away at him like a stray dog chewing on scraps.
Tonight had been going swimmingly for him until everything went up in smoke; no big battle, no epic clash that would bring back the nostalgia of war, just nothing more than a whimpering disaster. But he won’t allow it to end like this. He’ll devise a better scheme, maybe join up with the bandits and have them throw all their forces at the Anti-bandit army. “This was just a bump in the road”, he whispers, repeating it as if it were a mantra.
“You seem to be worse off than I.”
Jed stops in his tracks, cursing his luck at the voice in question. Santa stands behind him, staring at him with a bored expression. His face is bruised and bloodied with small cuts all over him.
There’s a sharp silence between the both of them. Now that their reason for cooperating is dead, the need to play nice isn’t necessary. But, instead of Santa’s fist crushing Jed’s throat, or Jed loping off the old man’s head, Santa walks up to him. He glares at him, not with killing intent, but with pity.
“Pitiful, just pitiful.”
He keeps pace and ignores the boy. Jed doesn’t give a hateful glance or charge after Santa. Time slows to a crawl for the young man as his thoughts come to a grinding halt. His heartbeat grows obnoxiously louder as the seconds roll by, not that he’s aware that time is passing by. Santa measured the boy’s worth; having lost a whole arm and barely being able to move, he didn’t see a strong fighter, but a broken mess. Death was preferable, at least he would be able to go down with some honor. Now, even death by another’s hand was something he couldn’t achieve.
Jed’s life was molded in combat and war, nothing else matters to him. It wasn’t rare for the outside to use children during the war with the Kingdom, and even against neighboring villages for supplies and recruits. Kids are easily influenced and they won’t argue if you give them a weapon, especially if they’re taught to value that more than human life. However, Jed never valued anything, not allies, friends, or those that taught him. So, the day his village fought the Kingdom soldiers marching for Borghulda, he did not lament their deaths. The sea of bodies covered the battlefield, blood blanketed the grass, and the scent of iron was overwhelming his nostrils. Every significant detail burned itself into his brain, and a singular thought rose: “This is glorious”. Grueling training, beatings, starvation, life-and-death fights, and indoctrination created a person who lives for battle and war; seeing beauty in it, and fulfillment in death on the battlefield.
Now, he is nothing; not worthy of a good death, and unable to enthrall himself in a grand battle. He is purposeless.
“Why…why…why…?” He repeatedly mutters like a broken record.
A warrior dies in combat, so if he can’t die in battle, then what is he?
“No…I must… Battle, good battle.”
He picks himself back up. Jed marches forward to whatever destination his feet take him. Wherever that is, he solemnly wishes that he finds what he’s looking for. Even if he is broken into a million tiny pieces, he has to keep going, to find the battlefield.