Somebody Stop the Pope

Chapter 1

Something is definitely wrong.

Completely, utterly, unmistakably wrong.

“Mr. Kim Siwoo?”

“Yes.”

“Please bear with us. According to the regulations of the Paranormal Affairs Bureau, returnees are required to undergo various verification procedures.”

“Ah, sure. Whatever you need. By the way, if there are regulations like this in place, does that mean returnees are pretty common?”

“Haha… Not exactly. However, incidents involving returnees average over 140 cases annually, so these procedures are necessary.”

I’m dizzy.

Honestly, this is much more disorienting than the day I first fell into Eden.

At least Eden was an entirely unknown world to me, so I could accept the absurdity of it. But this? This is Earth.

My home. The place I had longed to return to.

When did Earth change so drastically?

And what exactly is this Special Investigation Division of the Paranormal Affairs Bureau?

The only thing I know about my current location is that it’s somewhere in the basement of a building located somewhere in South Korea.

So, here’s what happened:

While I was still reeling from dizziness at Yeouido Hangang Park, a group of men in suits approached me.

They started asking me questions. To summarize our conversation:

             “We’re from the Paranormal Affairs Bureau.”

              Me: “Huh? From where?”

“You’re the one who just returned to Earth, correct?”

Me: “So what if I am?”

“We already know everything. Please cooperate. Refusal may result in criminal charges.”

Me: “…Excuse me?”

“Now, if you’ll kindly come with us~”

Me: ???

And that’s how I ended up here.

To be clear, this isn’t some dingy, grim underground torture chamber or prison.

There are small, adorable potted flowers placed around the room, along with cute teddy bears of questionable taste. In one corner, an air purifier hums diligently.

If anything, it’s closer to a children’s playroom than a torture chamber.

The effort put into making the place cheerful is evident, as though someone really wanted to counteract the inherently dark vibes of a basement.

“Shall we continue?”

The man sitting across from me is named Kim Dongshik.

He introduced himself as the Team Leader of the Special Investigation Division, Paranormal Affairs Bureau, Team 2.

I nodded at his words and slowly opened my mouth to speak.

“Where did we leave off?”

“Let’s see… You mentioned dabbling in internet streaming as a hobby, receiving a mysterious mission from someone claiming to be a goddess named Riemen, and then being abducted to a world called Eden immediately after. You said you lived there for ten years before returning to Earth… That’s about it.”

Hmm. That should cover the basics.

But Dongshik, still intrigued, kept asking more questions.

“You say you spent ten years in that world. What kind of work did you do while you were there?”

“Work? Could you clarify what you mean?”

“To put it simply, what was your occupation? Knowing this helps us assist you in adapting back to life here.”

Wow. The government helps returnees with their adaptation?

Earth really has changed in ways I didn’t expect.

Well, since he’s asking about my job, I might as well answer. It’s not a difficult question.

With a slight nod, I replied casually, letting a bit of exhaustion show in my tone.

“I was a pope.”

At those words, Dongshik’s fingers froze mid-typing on his laptop.

“…Pardon?”

“I said, I was a pope.”

“Ah, I see.”

Tap, tap, tap.

Dongshik resumed typing, nodding along as if trying to process my answer. However, a moment later…

“So, you were a pope in Eden for ten years and then returned to Earth— Pfft.”

He couldn’t hold back his laughter.

“I’m truly sorry. That wasn’t meant as mockery in any way. By the way… that explains why you were wearing priestly robes. They suit you very well.”

“I understand. If I were in your shoes, I’d probably have a hard time holding back laughter too.”

“I’ve investigated many returnees, but no matter how many times I do this, I can’t get used to it. Whew.”

“So, I’m not the only one with an unusual occupation, huh?”

“Of course not. Just last week, we had a returnee with quite a unique background. Not a pope like you, though.”

I couldn’t resist my curiosity and asked.

“What kind of returnee was it?”

“Technically, I shouldn’t say, but I’ll make an exception. He was the eunuch of a continental emperor…”

What? That sounds like a powerful returnee…

“…who was deeply favored by said emperor.”

…Or maybe not.

Wait a second.

“By eunuch, you mean…”

“Unfortunately, yes.”

“Oh, no.”

“A real shame, right? Apparently, he was a staunch advocate of chastity before marriage.”

“Good grief.”

Until now, I thought getting dragged to another world was an unlucky twist of fate.

But I’ve decided to stop thinking that way.

There are clearly people out there who’ve had it worse.

As we lightheartedly exchanged stories to ease the tension, Dongshik and I delved deeper into the conversation.

I answered all his questions diligently.

From how I ripped the heads off demon lords to the events that led me to become a pope, all the way up to the moment I returned to Earth.

I had no reason to hide anything.

Being able to share my story with someone in Korean, after so long, was enjoyable in itself.

And, of course, I was eager to finish the investigation and reunite with my family.

About an hour later, the questioning was complete. Dongshik, satisfied with his completed report, nodded approvingly.

“Thank you for your cooperation. Your willingness to assist made this much easier and faster to conclude.”

“You’ve worked hard.”

“Now that the important procedures are done, I have a few updates for you.”

I nodded quietly, prompting him to continue.

“First, regarding the family you’ve been curious about: both your younger brother and sister are living healthy lives in Seoul. Your grandmother, however… is currently traveling in the United States.”

Hearing this, the vague unease I had been carrying melted away.

As expected.

I always knew my siblings could thrive no matter how much the world changed.

And Grandma? While it was a bit surprising to hear she was traveling in the U.S., it wasn’t entirely out of character. She’d always been fond of overseas trips.

Grandma has always been an eccentric one.

Still, getting this news gave me peace of mind.

Now, let’s see…

It’s been 10 years, so Inwook should be around 27…

“The second update might be a little more shocking, but it’s common for returnees. You spent 10 years in the other world, right?”

“That’s correct.”

“On Earth, only 5 years have passed since your disappearance. It’s currently the year 2033, which makes your age not 32, but 27.”

“…So, according to you, all of this chaos on Earth happened in just 5 years?”

“Regrettably, yes.”

Dongshik took a sip of water and gave me a small nod. I let out a hollow laugh as I stared at him.

I was already struggling to wrap my head around how much had changed in 10 years, and now I find out it’s only been 5?

What on Earth happened in those 5 years?

2.

According to Dongshik, returnees are categorized into three distinct levels:

1- Regular: Returnees who either failed to acquire abilities in the other world or lost them during the return process.

2- Unnormal: Returnees who acquired abilities, but not at a level deemed dangerous.

3- Disaster: Returnees who acquired abilities so powerful they could disrupt society.

When Dongshik explained this, I naturally assumed I’d be categorized as a Disaster level.

After all, I still had a tremendous amount of divine power, albeit temporarily.

But to my surprise, I was classified as a Regular.

The reason was simple:

The measuring device, which had never been wrong, couldn’t detect any trace of divine power in me.

And just like that, I was officially labeled as a returnee who had lost their abilities during dimensional travel.

Thanks to this, I was told:

“According to regulations, Regular-level returnees are allowed to go home after the basic investigation. You’re welcome to stay here if you prefer, but I’m sure you want to see your family. We’ll escort you to your residence, and starting tomorrow, you’ll participate in the returnee adaptation program run by the Paranormal Affairs Bureau. See you tomorrow.”

That’s how I ended up heading home.

A home I’d never seen before, located in Gwangmyeong, Gyeonggi Province.

“Your siblings live in Unit 906, Building 107. Please report here by 10 a.m. tomorrow.”

“Thank you.”

“Take care.”

The Paranormal Affairs Bureau staff who had driven me here left, and I turned to look up at the apartment building.

An apartment complex near a station.

Not the villa where the three of us had once lived, but somewhere entirely new to me.

Looking at it, the reality of my return to Earth finally started sinking in.

Compared to the wyverns hanging from Mapo Bridge, this was the Earth I truly wanted to see.

“Haaah.”

I exhaled deeply and stepped inside, entering the elevator.

I’d learn about what happened to Earth during those 5 years in tomorrow’s adaptation program.

For now, I just wanted to focus on reuniting with my family.

It’s only been 5 years, so their faces should still be familiar.

Inwook would be 24 now, and my adorable youngest sibling, Siyun, would be around 10. Siyun’s appearance might have changed—kids grow so quickly.

Apparently, Inwook wasn’t aware of my return yet.

They said they’d called him dozens of times since confirming my identity, but he hadn’t answered.

It’s 4 p.m. now, so he shouldn’t be asleep…

Ding! 9th floor.

This was the most nerve-wracking moment since my return.

I took another deep breath and stood in front of the door with the plaque reading 906.

I carefully pressed the doorbell next to the door.

Ding-dong.

After a short pause.

“What?”

Surprisingly, nothing happened.

Could they not be home?

I decided to try again.

Ding-dong.

Still no response.

What now? There was a café nearby—I could wait there until…

“Who is it?”

It was then.

From beyond the silence, I heard the voice I had been longing to hear.

Even though the intercom’s sound quality wasn’t great, I immediately recognized it as Inwook’s voice.

What should I say?

I hesitated briefly before speaking as calmly as I could.

“It’s been a while. How have you been?”

I was sure Inwook would recognize my voice instantly.

But that, of course, was wishful thinking.

“…Ugh, this is so annoying. I just woke up… Mister, just leave. We don’t believe in whatever you’re selling. Seriously. Guess I’ll have to call security or something. Who goes door-to-door preaching in this day and age?”

“No, I’m not here to preach—”

“Mister, if you’re going to say that, at least change out of those weird clothes first. If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police. Got it?”

With that, the voice cut off.

I looked down at the clothes I was wearing.

A plain black priest’s robe with no embellishments.

Of course, I was still wearing it—I hadn’t had the chance to change since arriving back on Earth.

“Haha.”

Yeah, I guess the misunderstanding is understandable.

Since today is a joyous day of my return to Earth, I can let it slide…

No, the hell I can.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

“Hey! Are you going to open the door or what?”

How dare he not recognize me?

I recognized his voice instantly, yet he doesn’t recognize mine? Unbelievable!

I banged on the door with all my frustration.

Finally, the door swung open, and I adjusted my expression to look as neutral as possible.

And standing there was…

“…Were you planning to bash my head in with that?”

My brother, Inwook, stood there, holding a metal baseball bat, staring at me with a completely dumbfounded expression.