Solo For Two

After these periods of depression, there were times when Sasha suddenly became full of energy. During these moments, Sasha was convinced, without any basis, that Karel loved him but was distancing himself due to some unspeakable reason. Conversely, he would sometimes be filled with confidence, thinking he could live without Karel. Although these were symptoms of mania, most people were relieved when Sasha left the bedroom and began attending classes.‘I’m sorry for worrying you.’‘Are you really okay now?’‘Yes, I don’t quite understand why I felt that way. It seems that overcoming it without relying on alcohol is harder than I thought.’Even Levin, who was happy about Sasha’s improved condition, believed his words. No one outwardly noticed Sasha’s anxiety.＊ ＊ ＊Sasha was staring at a piece of paper. It was the announcement for the next season’s promotion.Beneath his name, listed first among the leading roles, familiar and unfamiliar names appeared alternately. While Sasha was lost in thought, pronouncing the unfamiliar spellings this way and that, a shadow suddenly fell over the paper.When he looked up, he saw Gudin looking down at what Sasha was holding.Feeling slightly uncomfortable as Gudin’s white cheek came close, Sasha leaned back a little. He had thought the awkwardness would be less since it had been a while, but that wasn’t the case. Sasha couldn’t help but recall Gudin spanking his bare buttocks.Noticing Sasha’s tense expression, Gudin added, “I’m just your understudy, so there’s no need to make that face.”Gudin seemed to misunderstand, thinking Sasha was wary of a young junior closely following behind the principal dancer. Although it was entirely different from the truth, Sasha didn’t bother correcting the misunderstanding.Gudin leaned closer to the silent Sasha and asked, “How have you been? During the vacation, no one saw you, and you didn’t show up at the theater, so everyone was curious….”“Why are you curious?”“Sharp as ever…. It’s because I was worried.”Gudin said with a shameless face.“Were you with Lord Scar the whole vacation?”This time, Gudin’s face turned genuinely concerned. When Sasha nodded, Gudin let out a pretend serious groan.“Oh dear….”Gudin, who had glimpsed a completely new world at the previous invitation from Lord Scar, was indulging in colorful fantasies with Sasha as the protagonist.Unaware of this, Sasha looked at Gudin’s blushing cheeks with a puzzled expression.“Are you okay?”“I’ve been lying down too much… It was hard for the first three days after returning to class because of muscle pain, but now I’m fine.”“Oh dear….”Gudin clicked his tongue again. Seeing the junior’s worried and excited face, Sasha offered a polite thank you.“Thank you for worrying about me.”Sasha felt that it was easier to move his body, perhaps because he had rested well during this period. Even the chronic pain in his left leg had improved significantly after stopping painkillers and receiving proper treatment. This was all thanks to Karel.As Sasha was secretly thinking about Karel, Gudin spoke with a serious expression.“But I think it would be harmful for you to prolong it.”“What?”“The patronage from Lord Scar. Since he’s getting married soon, take this opportunity to break free. Okay?”Sasha’s face darkened at those words. Gudin had completely misunderstood the nature of their relationship. What would he think if he knew the truth?After a moment of contemplation, Sasha answered honestly, “I can’t do that. And I don’t want to. There are still many things I want to do with him.”Sasha answered bluntly, then turned and quickly walked down the hallway, as if cutting off further conversation. His footsteps were so firm that Gudin couldn’t even think of stopping him.“Oh dear….”Gudin clicked his tongue again. Sasha’s reaction was unexpected.‘The rumors might be true.’The rumors circulating suggested that Lord Scar had long since lost interest in the dark-haired dancer. Despite this, it was said that they maintained their relationship because Sasha Sedrin was clinging to Lord Scar to prolong his career a bit more. This was a recent rumor loudly spread by tabloids.The gossip newspapers hadn’t named names, but the descriptions were clearly pointing to Sasha. Anyone even slightly interested could tell the story was about him. Gudin concluded that the real relationship was likely close to the rumors.Feeling inexplicably disappointed, Gudin clicked his tongue again as he watched Sasha disappear.Sasha then took a light shower, put on an old shirt and wool pants, and a roomy jacket, and left the theater.Whenever preparing for a season, Sasha unconsciously chose old clothes. Not for any particular reason, just because they were comfortable. As he repeated rehearsals, he suffered from the sensation of being trapped in a prison of flesh. Thus, Sasha only wore things that were very comfortable, even if his practice clothes were worn out with holes and the ends of the tights were frayed.As Sasha walked past, a few passersby who didn’t recognize him at first in his attire glanced back at him curiously. But Sasha, looking at the ground, didn’t notice people’s stares.Sasha’s footsteps stopped at a newsstand. Thinking Sasha might buy a newspaper, a middle-aged man made a few half-hearted attempts to sell one. However, Sasha merely skimmed the headlines with his eyes and then walked away again.It seemed like he had seen an article saying that Karel and Rambouillet’s wedding had been moved up.But he didn’t want to know more, so he just walked away.Sasha found out relatively late that Karel’s partner was Rambouillet. Sasha still had a vivid memory of the young woman’s hand, who had handed over a thick diamond ring without hesitation to help him.One thing Sasha was glad about was not selling the ring recklessly and returning it to her. If he had owed her, Sasha might not have been able to endure the misery now.With a title no one could disregard, an unmistakable grace even without a title, and wealth… Rambouillet might have been the perfect person that Karel referred to as a “valuable person.”Sasha wandered the streets of Paris longer than usual. He walked past the usual place where he would take a cab, down beautifully tree-lined streets and along the river. People who noticed Sasha walking alone stared at his face curiously for a moment before moving on.Sasha still wore a platinum ring adorned with forty blue diamonds on his finger.Suddenly, Sasha was overwhelmed by the urge to take off the ring and throw it into the river.Who would say anything if he did?In the end, Sasha took off the platinum ring that Karel had put on him and had never removed since. He clenched it in his fist and stared at the slowly flowing river for a while.Then, he raised his hand and threw the ring into the river with all his might.The ring, submerged in the flowing water, was quickly swept away by the rippling waves without creating even a slight ripple. Sasha looked at the flowing river in bewilderment. The water was so opaque that he couldn’t tell if the ring had sunk or been carried away.In a panic, Sasha took off his jacket. He was about to throw himself into the river from the bridge…“Sasha Sedrin?”Hearing someone call his name snapped Sasha out of his delusion.However, he couldn’t tell where the delusion had begun. As he looked down at his fist, which he had clenched so tightly that it was bleeding, and found the platinum ring still on his left middle finger, he was shocked.Sasha was momentarily relieved but horrified that he had suffered such a vivid delusion without any drugs.“What are you doing? Why are you so out of it?”When he looked up, a person he didn’t know was looking at him suspiciously. It was the same person who had called out to him a moment ago.“Oh, it’s nothing… nothing at all…”Sasha tried to cover up, pretending to be calm, not realizing how pale his face was.Sasha began walking again, somewhat flustered. The man quickly followed and grabbed his arm, startling Sasha as he turned around.“Where are you going?”The person he thought was a stranger turned out to be Georg.Since when had he been Georg?Sasha, confused, asked, “Georg? Since when…?”“Are you sick? Why do you look so pale?”Georg tried to help Sasha, suggesting he see a doctor. Sasha, insisting he could walk alone, followed Georg while staggering a bit.The strange experience a moment ago was too real to be a delusion. Sasha was terrified as he realized for the first time, with a clear mind, the seriousness of his condition.Georg took Sasha to a hotel less than fifty meters from the river.Georg suggested that since they were in the city center, it would be easy to call a doctor, and the theater was close, so Sasha should rest at the hotel for the day and go to the theater the next day. However, Sasha adamantly refused, insisting he was fine and wanted to go home.Of course, Georg didn’t believe him.Sasha seemed unaware of it, but he was still sitting on the sofa in a very stiff posture, sweating coldly.‘It seemed like he was getting a little better.’Georg sighed quietly. Luckily, he had been following Sasha; otherwise, something terrible might have happened. Sasha had been standing unusually close to the riverbank, staring at the water as if about to fall in.Fortunately, Sasha didn’t seem to have the mental clarity to realize how Georg had found him in time.For a while, Georg had been secretly watching over Sasha on Karel’s orders. Although Karel called it “protection,” Georg thought it was more like “surveillance.”‘In any case, I should report today’s events as soon as possible.’Before long, a physician arrived. Because the call was sudden, it was not their usual doctor but one the hotel had called. Sasha seemed wary of the stranger, but there was no choice. Fortunately, Sasha was not a particularly difficult patient with the doctor, as he usually wasn’t.The doctor, after examining Sasha, prescribed some sleeping pills.“He seems very cold, so it would be good to warm him up with a little whiskey.”The doctor then left the room.As soon as the doctor left, Georg gave Sasha some whiskey along with the sleeping pills. Normally, the prescription would have worked, but Sasha, who got easily affected by drugs, was overwhelmed.“Sasha, now go lie down on the bed.”However, Sasha muttered something and pushed Georg’s arm away. Sasha, not listening, curled up on the sofa and soon fell asleep as if he had passed out.Georg checked several times to make sure Sasha was deeply asleep. Then he left the hotel room to report the day’s events to Karel.＊ ＊ ＊Sasha woke up in the dark.After shifting his uncomfortable position, he realized he was lying on an unfamiliar sofa. It took several blinks before his eyes adjusted to the darkness, and Sasha soon realized he was in a dark hotel room.‘I need to go home.’However, it wasn’t easy to steady his body, which was still affected by alcohol. Sasha shook his head several times and got up from the sofa. Because he had been curled up, his jacket was terribly wrinkled, and his hair was disheveled, but Sasha didn’t notice.Sasha staggered past the bellboys who greeted him without suspicion and exited the lobby.Walking the streets of Paris at night, Sasha occasionally stopped. He didn’t quite understand why, but his intended destination kept changing. Initially, he tried to go to a place where he could take a cab. But then he remembered that Karel wouldn’t be at his house in the suburbs. Sasha changed direction towards his own mansion, but then he remembered that Levin and Charles wouldn’t be there either.Sasha, who occasionally stopped and walked aimlessly, found himself in a familiar back alley.Sasha knew this alley very well. If he followed the narrow alley down, he would reach an opium den where he could smoke opium to his heart’s content. He frequented the place as if it were his own home, from when he first became the principal dancer until before he brought Charles along.This time, Sasha did not hesitate and walked into the alley.＊ ＊ ＊Under the influence of the drugs, Sasha saw hallucinations of Karel. He saw the image of Karel from their days in the Palatinate, smiling at him with sun-bleached, tousled blond hair. He also saw the broad back of Karel sitting by the river with a fishing rod.Seeing Karel made Sasha easily happy. A careless smile spread across his face.Then, he saw the moment when Karel jumped into the water, promising to teach him to swim. Next, he saw Karel barging into the brothel in Paris, and then Karel handing him a basket of sweets in the barn.No matter which moment from the past he recalled, Karel always loved him.And…‘How can love be eternal?’‘There’s a living proof right in front of you.’‘You can’t know that until you’re dead. I don’t understand why you love me. What’s so special about me…’Sasha remembered the serene scenery of a frozen lake and snow-covered mountains in Switzerland.And if he could, he wanted to go back in time and stop himself from questioning Karel’s love, unaware of how lucky he was to have it.‘Tell me how long you’ll love me.’‘Forever.’‘Forever?’‘Until I die…’‘What if you die before me, Karel?’‘Then let’s die on the same day.’‘Okay.’‘We’ll grow old together. You’re my last love. You can trust me.’I believed that blindly.Sasha buried his head in his arms and laughed weakly.The Karel of that time was younger and had a relaxed expression. There were no scars on his face, and there was no feigned coldness. Unlike now…“Sasha, Sasha.”“Karel…?”“Snap out of it.”Sasha blinked. In his blurry vision, he saw Karel’s familiar face. There was a long scar on his cheek.In an instant, Sasha was jolted back to reality.But with his mind slowed by the opium, his brain couldn’t fully comprehend the situation. The Karel who had promised him eternal love in the past and the Karel now looking down at him with such a terrifying expression didn’t seem like the same person. Sasha couldn’t decide whether to throw himself into Karel’s arms, as he had done in the past, or to beg for his forgiveness to ease his anger.“Get up.”Karel whispered again softly.As Sasha staggered, Karel forcibly grabbed him and walked him out. Sasha, unable to keep his balance, stumbled as if being dragged.“How much do you plan to disappoint me!”As soon as they were out of the opium den, Karel shouted, pushing Sasha against a wall. Karel, holding onto Sasha’s collar, forced him to stand up. Sasha gasped for breath, instinctively bringing his hands to his constricted throat. He felt the hard texture of the wall behind him. Sasha slowly blinked his eyes. Karel, pushing him completely against the wall, was furious in a way Sasha had never seen before.Feeling an indescribable sadness, Sasha began to resist, telling Karel to let go. But instead of words, only gasps escaped his throat.Karel’s grip on Sasha’s collar gradually loosened. Sasha leaned against the wall, barely standing on his own two feet.“Sasha, I can’t handle you.”At Karel’s words, Sasha slowly lifted his head. He examined Karel’s face closely, but he couldn’t read his emotions. Karel’s face seemed too dry to be angry, yet his eyes were shimmering intensely in the light of the night.“I told you to become a valuable person.”“……”“So now, live your life.”Karel turned around. The way he turned, as if he had no regrets left, seemed like another hallucination.Karel walked down the narrow alley.His shadow stretched long on the cobbled ground, glistening in the night lights. At first, the shadow reached Sasha’s feet, touching his worn-out shoes. But the shadow gradually grew distant, and by the time Sasha looked up, Karel had already turned the corner and disappeared from the alley.If this, too, were a delusion…One or two men with hats pulled low passed Sasha from a distance or up close. One man glanced at Sasha, who was leaning against the wall and breathing heavily. Feeling like he was being treated as a weirdo, Sasha suddenly wanted to act as if nothing was wrong.Sasha stood up straight and hastily straightened his clothes. Then he put his hands in his pockets and walked out of the alley at a moderate pace.Slowly, as if nothing had happened.But as he was about to leave the alley, his heart began to pound with anxiety.What if this is real?What if I’ve already lost him?Sasha stopped abruptly and looked around. Across the main street, he saw Karel’s back. Without knowing what he wanted to do, Sasha ran after him. People began to stare at Sasha as he suddenly started running, but Sasha no longer noticed his surroundings.Sasha shouted his name several times. But Karel did not turn around. Unable to do anything else, Sasha ran to catch up and stood in front of Karel.Karel stopped and made eye contact with Sasha. The scar on his cheek was clear.It was undoubtedly reality.Sasha, slightly out of breath, asked, “What do you mean by that?”Karel, as if he had never been angry, maintained a very composed demeanor. But inside, a fiery anger was visible.“It means we’re done.”“Done?”“Yes.”And Karel tried to walk past Sasha again.Sasha reached out and grabbed his arm. But all he caught was the edge of Karel’s clothes, and Karel brushed off his grip with a firm hand.“Sasha.”“Why all of a sudden? Why, all of a sudden…?”“I won’t stop funding the theater because of this. I’ll inform Mikhail. So you won’t be treated unfairly….”“I’m not talking about that.”“Then what are you talking about?”“Why do you keep bringing up the ballet company when we’re talking about us?”Sasha wanted to discuss the relationship between Karel Clements and Sasha Sedrin, not their relationship as patron and artist. But for some reason, Karel seemed to keep drawing a line. He was speaking with an awareness of the crowd gathering around them and the rumors that would spread, but Sasha didn’t understand Karel’s intention.“I don’t care what happens with Mikhail or the ballet company.”“You don’t care, huh.”Karel’s eyes narrowed slightly.Sasha noticed the subtle change and felt a cold sweat run down his neck.“You left to do that… and now you don’t care?”Despite being frightened by Karel’s expression, Sasha clung to him. He wanted Karel to understand that, although it might have been true in the past, now Sasha’s life’s purpose was Karel, and that his focus had completely shifted. Sasha nodded vigorously and replied, “I can give it up for you, Karel.”But contrary to Sasha’s expectations, Karel’s expression became even colder.“Say that again.”“My feelings? I don’t need ballet. I’m fine being locked in your bedroom every day. I wish my legs were completely ruined! Then you’d pity me….”Smack!As Sasha’s head turned, he heard the small screams of women passing by.Standing there, bewildered and unable to comprehend what had happened, Sasha gradually felt his cheek burning. It was Karel’s gloved hand that had struck him.Sasha’s body recognized the fact that Karel had hit him before his mind did.Thick tears fell from Sasha’s long eyelashes. A small crowd had gathered around them, witnessing the commotion in the middle of the street.“Sasha Sedrin, go home.”“Are you telling me to leave?”“Yes.”Karel was trying to completely erase Sasha from his life.Sasha had never imagined an end with Karel, and the sudden onslaught of fear made him tremble violently. Karel supported him, but it was not a gesture of affection; it was simply to keep Sasha from collapsing further. Even that was done with an awareness of the people watching.Sasha felt more ashamed of Karel’s eyes, looking at him with disdain, than of the many eyes of the onlookers who treated him as a spectacle.“Sasha.”Even as his cheeks became wet and his vision blurred with tears, Karel’s expression remained unchanged.In the past, Karel would have been frantic, bending down to check on Sasha’s face if he showed even a hint of sadness. Sasha realized from Karel’s changed attitude that he had completely sorted out his feelings.“I believed… I believed you’d love me until you died….”“……”“You lied to me. I believed you….”“Yes, blame me all you want.”Sasha’s breathing began to quicken.The onlookers pointing fingers, voices whispering Sasha’s name, the sound of a camera shutter clicking somewhere.Sasha wiped his wet cheek with the back of his hand and looked around.People were watching the tragedy of Sasha’s life with a cold, curious gaze. Some mocked Sasha’s tears, while others squealed with delight at seeing a celebrity in person.Sasha felt an overwhelming urge to push them all away and scream. But all he could do was gasp for breath, struggling to cope with the shock and heartbreak. For a while, Sasha stood frozen among the crowd, unable to move.Wanting to hide away, Sasha bowed his head. The strength drained from his fingers that had been gripping the fabric of Karel’s clothes, and Karel placed a heavy hand on Sasha’s shoulder. It wasn’t a gesture of comfort or farewell; Karel simply patted Sasha’s shoulder a couple of times and walked away.Karel left.“Sasha Sedrin, are you okay?”A woman, perhaps moved by sympathy for his tear-stained face, offered Sasha a handkerchief. Sasha weakly pushed her away and hurried through the crowd, walking aimlessly in any direction. Anywhere.＊ ＊ ＊The next day, all the gossip newspapers covered the public disgrace that Sasha Sedrin had faced. The articles claimed that Lord Scar had finally run out of patience with Sasha’s dissolute lifestyle, and the patronage relationship had ended.With the rumors in the tabloids confirmed, people started digging through past newspapers to find more details. Even those who pretended to be cultured showed the tabloids they had collected to their guests.In the midst of this, people marveled at Lord Scar’s generosity for cutting off only the personal relationship while continuing to support the theater. Even the dancers living with Sasha wondered if they might be the next target of Lord Scar’s favor.People gossiped, saying that even though Sasha was a man, he had never officially attended a party with Lord Scar, implying that the rumors had always been true. Some claimed to have seen Sasha and Lord Scar together, noting that their relationship had seemed cold, and boasting that they had always known the relationship wouldn’t last long.Ironically, tickets for the next season’s performances, starring Sasha, sold out immediately. Mikhail was thrilled, calling the timing a gift from the gods. People anticipated either a disastrous performance from Sasha, who had lost his composure, or a brilliant one fueled by adversity.While the whole world buzzed with talk about him, Sasha, the subject of the rumors, was sound asleep, unaware of it all.Levin debated whether to wake Sasha or not. Finally, he decided not to, thinking it best to let Sasha sleep deeply without the aid of sleeping pills for once. Levin skipped breakfast and started preparing lunch instead.Meanwhile, Georg arrived at the house, unaware of the chaos, to deliver news about the move.“So, Sasha will be moving back to his own place completely?” Levin asked, not particularly surprised. It was as if she had anticipated this outcome from the beginning.“Yes, the movers will be here soon, and everything should be settled before sunset,” Georg replied, glancing at his watch to estimate the time.“You should be able to have dinner in your own place by tonight.”“We cleaned thoroughly when we left, and most of the furniture is still there, so it shouldn’t take long. But….” Levin trailed off, looking up at Georg.“Did Sasha want this?” she asked.Last night, Levin hadn’t noticed anything particularly strange about Sasha when he returned home. Although he was later than usual and looked a bit tired, he seemed no different from before.She had noticed a faint opium smell from the jacket she took, but it was a marked improvement compared to the past when Sasha frequently visited opium dens. Levin had been grateful that Sasha was at least going out and being active, even if it meant turning a blind eye to the smell of opium.But Georg’s words confirmed that something had indeed happened with Lord Scar the previous day.“No, this is… an order from Lord Scar. He said he would end the patronage yesterday.”As expected, Georg revealed something Levin hadn’t guessed.“So, Sasha….” Levin began.“Who knows,” Georg replied.They walked up the stairs.When Levin entered the room to wake Sasha, he was already awake, staring blankly at the ceiling.“Sasha, are you up?” Levin asked.Sasha slowly turned his head to look at her. Georg watched Sasha from over Levin’s shoulder. His dilated pupils suggested the lingering effects of opium from the previous day.Sasha blinked a few times before speaking.“Georg?”“Yes, it’s me. Aren’t you sleeping in a bit too late?”Sasha raised his upper body slightly, the blanket slipping off his unclothed body.“Why are you both just standing there, staring at me…?”Levin and Georg, concerned about Sasha’s condition, were slightly tense, but Sasha seemed oblivious to their worry. It was hard to tell if he was pretending to be calm or genuinely unaware. As the two stood in silence, Sasha, rubbing his eyes and blinking, asked, “Georg, is Karel coming home today?”“……”Georg opened his mouth to answer but couldn’t find the words.He felt Levin’s eyes on him and cleared his throat, speaking slowly to ensure Sasha could understand.“Sasha, you won’t be meeting Lord Scar anymore.”At these words, Sasha lowered his head, blinking slowly. His hunched shoulders and protruding collarbones looked pitiful.