NOVEL WEB Ch.49 – For Me and Only Me (4/4) Volume 5 END
Madoka’s Perspective.
“Bye Bye, Mari-san.”
We hung up the phone and the room was quiet between me and Hana.
"Onee-chan… I tried, but…"
Hana spoke first, trying to put her thoughts together. With shaky hands, she tried to take my phone, as if she could fix everything... by calling Mari-san again.
"Hana-chan, calm down…."
I took her hand and... held her in my arms. Her fingers dug deep into my skin as she held me as hard as she could.
“You don’t realize how hard it was while you were sleeping, Madoka-chan. I did everything to make things work out... But deep down, I always knew something wasn't right with my mom, Onee-san."
Hana-chan confessed.
"Mom was never happy! A-And Onee-san… I don't think I've ever really seen my mom really... happy."
“Hana.”
“Am I a horrible daughter because I wanted them to stay together?! Am I horrible because I wanted a family?! E-Even though my mom was never happy?!”
I broke down, unable to answer. At times like this, I should be the thoughtful older sister. My little sister begged me for answers… and I had none.
"I-I don't know, Hana. I-I wish I knew, but I'm confused too."
I sighed.
"Hana-chan… first off… It's not your fault. You… worked so hard, but sometimes, things don't work out how we want, no matter how much we try."
As much as it hurt to tell her this, all the fighting she’s done for acceptance, this has nothing to do with her… and everything to do with our parents.
"But I don't know what to do. I wanted all of us to be happy and be a family, Onee-chan, but I feel like I should have realized everything sooner…”
Exhausted, my little sister held my waist and cried.
“Then maybe my mom wouldn't have felt like she'd had to put everything on herself. You wouldn't have felt like your feelings were tearing you apart either…."
“Hana-chan… this wasn’t something you could solve alone. It took me a while to realize that too.”
“T-Then w-what do we do, Onee-chan?”
I soothed her heart as best as I could.
"We wait for everyone's feelings to calm down… and figure out where to go. But tonight, we are staying together. Okay?”
Crying in each other’s arms, afraid of separation, we promised at least this night together. I rubbed her head and kissed her on the forehead.
“I don’t want to be separated, Madoka-chan...”
“Me too, Hana. Me too. But don't worry... we'll always be sisters.”
~ Few days later ~
In the last few days, I've tried to reach mom but to no avail. She was still actively avoiding me, probably blaming me for everything that's happened. But that wasn't the case; Mari-san explained to Hana-chan and me… what really happened during that accident.
Mom’s true feelings…
Sitting in my room, I tried to piece it all together.
"I told Mom the truth that night…."
I closed my eyes, trying to remember that horrible day. But it was still clouded, and I wondered if I'd ever recall that time.
“And she knew… she knew…”
The lead in my pencil broke again. Frustrated, I got a new piece of paper and started my winter project again.
“Even knowing my feelings… she… did that to me and took Mari away from me?”
I felt sick to my stomach, and because of that… I haven't eaten too well. Mary-san has been kind enough to leave me meals outside my door… but nothing had taste, and I've felt numb ever since Hana and Mari-san left a few days ago.
“Has… mom always been this way?”
I can't imagine that all my wants for her to be happy… weren't the same coming from her to me. There was no way she'd selfishly hurt me like that, right? But even when I tried to call her, she wouldn't answer. My text messages went unread, and… it felt like the damage that our lies had would be irreparable at this rate.
I couldn’t focus on anything as I laid my head on the desk. I sat there, my body in pain, aching so much that I felt like I was going to die. I don’t get it… how can I hurt so much but still be breathing? When… will it end?
“Madoka, are you awake?”
Outside my door, Mary-san called out to me. It's been a while since I stepped out of my bedroom. To be honest, I think I was more ashamed, knowing that Mary-san knew that I was the cause of... mom and Mari-san’s relationship breaking down.
“I’d just like to talk for a bit, Madoka-san.”
She urged…
“The door… is open.”
I accepted whatever painful thing she wanted to mention. In a whimper, I called out, telling her to come in. The pain in my heart tightened as she entered. Gradually, she walked in and shut the door behind her.
“May I?”
Mary-san asked, pointing to a chair near me. I nodded, and she sat down. We faced each other; I sat up properly, expecting a scolding or something like that.
“I heard what happened from your mother, Madoka-san. How… her and Mari decided not to continue seeing each other.”
I tried to stay strong as I nodded but it was painful.
“Mhm…”
"As we speak, a few movers are taking Koda-san and Hana-chan's things to their new apartment. Ayumi finally came out and told me what really happened during your accident. I don’t think she has it in her to lie anymore.”
Mary-san explained.
“Then soon after I got on the phone with Mari-san and she explained it too. I... understand what really happened back then to you, Madoka-san.”
I nodded, trying my best to stay strong. But my body was hurting and the pain was becoming unbearable.
“Madoka-san... Your mother… is devastated, you know?"
" T-Then why won't Mom answer my calls, Mary-san?"
A tear fell down my cheek.
“Hm?”
"I've been calling her for days… and mom…. Mom won't answer me. Why is she calling you, telling you all of this, but isn't talking to me?!"
My bottled-up feelings came flooding out.
"I get she hates me, M-Mary-san… but I'm her daughter! I… I still love her so much! E-Even though…. Even though she lied to me…. Even though she tried to separate me and Mari… I still, I still…."
“Oh, Madoka….”
Tenderly, Mary-san said my name. She tried to soothe my broken spirit but it was too painful and I nearly screamed.
“I don’t know what to do! It hurts when you still love someone so much, but they h-hate you!"
I was grabbed before I could break apart. It felt like my body was tearing apart, piece by piece but Mary-san’s warm arms kept me together.
"I don't know what to do?! Should I go home? I-I'm just so scared to go home, Mary-san! I'm so scared and don't know what to do!"
Mary-san pulled me in closer and rubbed my back. Like a mother protecting her young, Mary-san consoled me.
"I know I need to mature, grow up, and face things head-on… But I'm too scared to see my mom. I'm… I'm terrified that she'll say she hates me, Mary-san!"
"That's okay; it's okay to be scared, even as an adult, Madoka-san. You don't need to force yourself to be strong… it's okay to cry. It's… a part of growing up, Madoka-san."
“I just want my mom t-to know that I love her…. Even if she hates me!”
That's when Mary-san grabbed my shoulders and looked me in the eyes.
"I want you to know you can stay here however long you need. My house is your house. And I want you to know, Madoka-san…"
She pet my head.
“That you are loved.”
“Mary-san.”
"I'll talk some sense into your mother and tell her to come over to talk with you or answer your phone calls. That woman… has only herself to blame for what's happening."
Tenderly, Mary-san gave me a kiss… on the forehead.
“No matter what she says to you, I’ll support you. To think I was lied to also, Madoka-san.”
The chains around my heart felt as though they broke apart. As if someone linked two wires from my heart to Mary-san’s… I felt as though our relationship grew just a tad stronger.
“I… I… thank you.”
“No worries. Please, eat a good meal, put your homework away and get some rest. It’s not your fault that you fell in love, Madoka. That’s just a part of growing up.”
I nodded.
“Mhmm…. Nggg… okay.”
After putting my homework away, Mary-san brought me a small snack. It was simple, a sandwich with a pickle in the middle.
“Oh?”
"No, I'm not psychic Madoka-san; Mari-san told me you liked this, so I figured it might cheer you up."
“Mmm…”
I nodded, nibbling on my meal.
"Now eat up, rest, and I'll check on you later.
Before she stepped out, I parted my lips, calling out to her.
“M-Mary-san!”
She turned around with that beautiful smile of hers, warming my heart. That’s when I realized that even though we’ve only known each other for a short amount of time…
Mary-san… loved me in her own unique way.
"Mary-san…. Ah... M-Mary Oba-san, thank you. T-Thank you for supporting me through this. I-It means the world to me."
Surprised, she turned away, scratching her cheek.
"It's the least I can do… for my cute niece, right?"
Softly, she shut the door behind her. The room felt warmer, and my heart wasn't hurting as much. I was scared that if I saw her, she'd shame me or side with my mom and look at me as a homewrecker, a vile beast that took away a happy family.
But no…
From the beginning…
I don't think Mary-san truly believed all my mom’s lies about me.
And that’s why she brought me here in the first place…I was loved by her before I even realized it.
The new year was coming, and I found myself in bed, thinking about how horrible the year had been. As the night cleaved in, coming closer to the end of the year, my phone buzzed.
I got up on the side of my bed and picked it up… only to see the name that made my heart sink.
“Mom?!”
I answered and put the phone to my ear.
“Madoka…”
I touched the phone gently.
"M-Mom, I heard what happened; I-I wanted to talk to you for days now..."
She sniffed, and it drew me closer to her.
"I messed up Madoka… but I only wanted to protect you. I was a horrible mother; I'm so sorry."
I curled up next to my bed on the floor.
“Mom, tell me the truth… what happened that day! No more lies, please!”
Between hush hiccups, she forced it out.
"You were so confused over your feelings for Mari and other things happening at school that evening. And… I went off. I was angry and took it out on you. I-I yelled at you and forbade you from seeing Mari. That's when the accident happened."
I paused as I pieced together everything.
“And that’s why… I avoided Mari-san? Because you told me I was hurting her?”
The phone went silent for a bit. Then, meekly, mom confessed.
"Yes, everything was a mistake. Now Mari is leaving… and she's taking Hana with her. I'm going to be alone, Madoka…."
I felt a burning sensation in my chest, as if someone dropped my soul in a bed of acid. My ears burned and my breathing started to quicken.
"Please… come home, Madoka. I… I don't know what to do without you, Madoka. W-we can talk this over…."
I paused again…
"I would love to talk this over… but there's still a lot of questions I have, mom."
"I know, just come home, and we'll talk about it all."
Something wasn't right. I wasn't sure if it was my intuition or me finally seeing how things were regarding my mom. I held my chest and spoke up…
“Ah, mom…”
Thinking back to her words made me stand up and look out the window, now covered in snow.
“Mom… why didn’t you ever call me back then if you wanted me home so much?”
"..."
The line went silent… for an uncomfortable amount of time.
“Madoka, what are you talking about?”
I nervously tapped on the window seal as I pressed forward.
"Why, when I was hurting, confused, angry, upset, did you never call or come over to check on me?! Why was I only getting calls from Mari telling me everything that happened?! Why was Mary Oba-chan telling me that it would be, okay? And not a single call from my own mom?”
I was hyperventilating as I tried to form my thoughts together. But my emotions rushed out. Unlike how it used to be, though, they were pointed… and justified.
“But now… that your world has fallen apart like mine…. Now you want to call me to help put your world together?! Now you want me in your life again, mom?"
I thought back to the days after Dad passed away… As if my mind was correcting everything. She was never holding me; I was holding her. The fruitless thoughts of us supporting each other were just how I perceived it. Always… I supported her, and she took my love… without giving in return.
"I'm tired of being your support mom… when you can't even be mine! It's not right, mom… it's not right!"
In tears, I confessed my feelings that had been bottled up not just since I woke up... but my entire life.
"I love you so much, mom. I’ve looked up to you so much. I've always wanted to be like you when I grew up, mom. My standards are compared to you!"
My heart opened, showing how raw my emotions were. They hurt with every word, like needles puncturing my chest.
“You mean the world to me!”
With hiccups, I professed how I truly felt.
"But I hate this about you, mom! I hate this so much about you, mom. And it hurts because I-I love you so much…. E-Even though, you'll never give me the same love.”
I sat on the side of my bed and watched my tears hit the floor. The truth of everything was almost too much to bear.
“Mom…. Mommy… you’re too selfish to realize how much this hurts. That the only reason why you want me is because nobody else is taking care of you… even though you did this to yourself.”
I paused, trying to breathe, but like running on a treadmill, I couldn't catch a long enough breath to slow my heart from racing.
"I've seen all kinds of love since I woke up mom. But yours… your love scares me the most, mommy. B-Because I love you so much, and I don't ever think you'd show me the same kind of love unless it made you happy.”
"Madoka, stop talking and listen to me…."
“N-No, I listened enough… and I get it now.”
I cut her off.
"Mommy, please… I can't talk to you anymore. S-So please… don't call me right now. Please. I love you but this is too much."
"Madoka, wait…"
“No… I’ve waited long enough for you to reach out to me… and you didn’t. And I… I can’t take it anymore. You’ll have to figure things out without me… just like I had to do without you.”
“Madoka, don’t you dare hang up this phone. Listen to me!”
"If you loved me, you wouldn't have hurt me so much! I-I can't listen to you anymore, mommy, because you only love yourself! And that scares me so much, mom!"
“M-Madoka, please.”
"No! Because if I listen to you, mommy…."
I shook my head as I tried to find the words deep in my heart.
“I’ll come back… and you’ll hurt me again! And I don’t want to be hurt by you anymore, mom!”
Her voice faded as I lifted my ear away, severing our connection.
Again, it lit up, trying to force me back into the world only made for… mom.
I tried to open my mouth, but only hiccups escaped. Despite my past being so hazy, my present was abundantly clear… Mom needed to learn to love others… and not only herself.
Ayumi’s Perspective
“Madoka, please… answer the phone…”
No matter how many times I called back, she never answered. I clenched the phone in my hand and tossed it to the wall. It broke apart as it scattered all over the floor.
Upset, I stepped out of the room to… silence. The oppressive darkness lingered over me as I realized how big this house was with nobody in it.
“H-Hana! Someone?!”
I called out instinctively but no answer. Of course, Mari and Hana-chan moved out days ago. Mari's couch was empty; the only thing left was… me.
Me alone… With the person, I could never love… Why…. Why was it that I yearned to be loved so much?
Why was it that I hated myself so much? That only another person’s love could make me happy.
Tick by tick, as time wasted away.
Time moved on for everyone around me,
But here I stay…
All alone…
As the loneliness approached,
Grabbing onto me and pulling me deeper into isolation…
I found myself trapped in my thoughts…
Those horrible yet equally blissful ones from years ago…
Wouldn’t it be nice…
For all these horrible thoughts…
To just disappear forever?
Volume 5 END