Shirogane Miyuki in COTE

"She's not just my classmate—she sits right in front of me, and she's also a reliable teammate in class. So of course I like her. I mean, I respect her a lot."

Shirogane said.

[That's not what I meant. I mean, do you have other feelings for her?]

"I think I should just stay focused on studying."

"And if I start getting those kinds of feelings, it'll mess with my focus. Plus, Shiina's still my classmate and sits right in front of me."

"If our friendship gets weird but we still have to see each other every day in class, it'll really mess with my study progress."

So basically, Shirogane sees girls as a distraction when it comes to studying. And the closer they are to him, the bigger the distraction.

[…]

[Alright then, how about this—what if Horikita Suzune asked you to put your fingerprint on her?]

The narrator seemed ready to go through every girl around Shirogane.

"Then I'd probably get hunted down by Horikita."

Shirogane replied quickly.

And with that, the narrator went quiet.

Because yeah, Horikita really might do that.

But still…

Even if he said it without thinking, someone else might take it to heart.

After finishing the fifth, sixth, seventh, and eighth books, Shirogane would have to head to Horikita's dorm.

If you spend a lot of time with Horikita…

Shirogane gave it some serious thought.

Even though Horikita seems cold and hard to talk to, she actually becomes really quiet and unsure when she's around her older brother.

So maybe… she has a softer side too?

Which means—

Could a moment like this happen?

If they were dating, maybe… she might even ask for a goodnight kiss before bed.

Of course.

Right now is reading time. Girls are nothing but a distraction. A reading distraction.

So—

"Don't think about girls while studying."

He rewrote the slogan and put it up in the most noticeable spot in his room.

...

11:30 AM.

After borrowing a phone from Shiina, Shirogane went to the door of Horikita Suzune's dorm, just like they had agreed.

Kushida's room number was 609, while Horikita's was 710.

Totally different directions.

But Kushida was already standing in front of Horikita's door. From the way she stood there holding her phone with an innocent look, it seemed like she hadn't knocked or talked to Horikita yet.

So who knows how long she had been standing there waiting?

"Aren't you going in?"

Shirogane asked.

"Do you have your phone with you?"

But Kushida replied without really answering the question.

"Yeah, I brought it. Don't worry, I'll delete the recording video soon."

Shirogane said.

"Oh."

Kushida's attitude suddenly turned a bit colder.

Hey, hey, Kushida. You do know we're doing this to help you out, right? And now you're acting like this?

Well…

Knock knock—

Shirogane stepped up and knocked on Horikita Suzune's door.

About twenty seconds passed.

Then the door finally opened a crack, and Horikita Suzune peeked out.

"Shirogane?"

She looked a little surprised.

"You didn't tell her you were coming to her dorm?"

Kushida looked a bit confused.

"No, nothing."

Shirogane said, but he was looking at Horikita.

"I brought Kushida here because I'm going to put an end to her bothering you for the past two months."

"Oh."

At this point, unlike Kushida's cold attitude, Horikita actually seemed a bit more warm.

Clearly, she didn't like Kushida constantly bothering her.

So, two minutes later, Shirogane and Kushida went into Horikita's dorm room.

...

Horikita's dorm was simple and had a light, clean smell. Everything was neatly organized, showing she was probably a tidy, responsible type.

Shirogane had even seen her bring a homemade lunch a few times, so maybe they shared some common interests beyond school.

Of course, that wasn't why they were here now.

The three of them sat down by Horikita's desk.

Since Horikita only had one desk, Shirogane took the chair, while Horikita and Kushida sat on the bed.

"Kushida, I caught something on you last night."

Shirogane said, pulling out his phone.

"And Horikita…"

"Shirogane, are you really going to do this?"

Kushida's expression immediately changed.

"Do what?"

Horikita looked confused too.

"Play something here that might not be good for you," Shirogane replied, but his eyes stayed on Kushida.

"Kushida, if you want me to delete the recording, you'll have to give me something of equal value."

Shirogane said.

"I want you to tell me about your embarrassing past from middle school. That's my condition."

"..."

Kushida's gentle face instantly shifted, and her sudden change left Horikita completely stunned.

Because Kushida always acted pitiful, like an innocent little angel. Even when she was rejected, she'd cover it up with a cute look.

But now\...

What? Suddenly the angel image was gone and she was turning dark.

Or rather...

Horikita probably couldn't believe Kushida was so two-faced.

"Are you sure you want me to say something like this here?"

Kushida said coldly.

"Yes."

Shirogane nodded.

"And if you refuse and the negotiation breaks down, the recording I made yesterday will spread immediately."

"Don't worry about it not spreading enough. I'll ask Ichinose to help— you know her network, right? By today, almost the whole school will know."

… Kushida knew this too.

If she didn't, she wouldn't have thrown jealous words about Ichinose Honami into her rant yesterday.

Ichinose and Kushida had very different ways of making friends— Ichinose was broad, Kushida was selective.

"And to protect your image, I've also prepared a withdrawal application for you."

"If you sign it and get the president's approval, you can leave the school within two hours. So you don't have to worry about classmates gossiping about your true self."

Shirogane said.

"… You really came prepared."

Kushida was silent for a moment, knowing she couldn't escape this now.

Her dislike for Horikita was at its limit. Pretending to be a sycophant to Horikita's group was just too hard to accept.

So she said,

"Fine. I'll tell you."

Kushida glanced over coldly.

"But you have to give me your phones first. I don't want to get recorded saying something crazy again."

Shirogane and Horikita exchanged a look over this.

Horikita was clearly confused— Kushida suddenly turning dark, Shirogane having Kushida's recordings, the withdrawal form...

It was a lot to take in all at once.

But for now, they decided to listen.

Also, Horikita had some idea about Kushida's middle school past... though she didn't realize it was related to Kushida herself.

So she and Shirogane put their phones on the table.

But Kushida didn't speak right away.

Shirogane opened the voice file on the phone but didn't play it.

Kushida checked the recording's timestamp—it was from last night, when she kicked the railing.

So it had to be real.

"…"

Kushida took a deep breath.

Then—

Kushida stood up.

"First, what do you think is the limit of a person? And if you know your talent and your limit is like this, then what do you do?"

She asked.

Horikita started listening seriously.

"Should you just be an ordinary person and accept that you're not good enough? Maybe at first, I thought that way— no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't beat talented people. I could only be second, third, or fourth. Even if I ranked, those lower spots didn't make me happy at all. But I quickly found something— something no one else could reach. As long as I could be kinder and gentler than anyone else, I could be number one in that area. Everyone would be close to me."

"Thanks to that, I became popular. Both boys and girls liked me. I felt happy being trusted and relied on. Elementary and middle school were really great times…"

So this girl had already been like this since elementary school?

Being trusted by everyone was her version of heaven. But needing to be liked by everyone? That was her hell. This was taking people-pleasing to the extreme.

But Kushida kept talking anyway.

Horikita Suzune, who had been quietly listening, interrupted. "Doing something you don't even want to do all the time—doesn't that make you miserable? If it were me, I think my mind would've broken a long time ago."

Horikita was being honest.

She could barely understand how anyone could live like that—hurting themselves just to keep a certain image or connection with others.

So how would Kushida answer?

"It hurts. Of course it hurts. I feel like I've been living with so much pressure every day, I'm going to lose all my hair. I've also suffered a lot from anxiety. But to keep up the sweet version of me, I couldn't let anyone see the real me. So I held it in, again and again, until I couldn't anymore. I reached my limit. There's only so much pressure I can take."

Kushida went on, "And that's how you got the 'dark past' you wanted. In elementary school, it was still okay. I had a habit of writing in a diary. Just in a notebook. But once I got to middle school, relationships between people got way more complicated. The more people trusted me, the more things they told me. And the more I knew, the more pressure built up. It didn't just double—it exploded."

So I started a blog. I didn't use anyone's names.

I just wanted someone to read it. That seemed to take a bit of the weight off.