Shadows of Valderia: An Urban Fantasy Detective Noir

There was a surreptitious clearing of the throat from behind Mallory.

“Err, Cap'n this is, Ven... Veno...” the Troll stumbled with the name, her cliff edge brow creased in concentration.

“Venollix Ventatax, the 18th Duke Appellaxium,” a blonde flop haired man announced, with a pageantry suited to a holiday stage show.

The four occupants of the room spun around. All, apart from Ridley, began adjusting uniforms and straightening hairs or polishing scales. Four elves swept into the room, with them came the smell of fruits and summer, their pale skin radiant in the gloom.

“Good evening gentlemen, I am Venollix Ventatax, these are my cadre of advisors, and I'm afraid we come to you in great consternation.” He held his arms open wide, his flowing robes made his slender frame look ever more impressive, as did the four inch lifts he wore on his feet. His cadre of advisors, however, were much more demurely dressed in dark, itchy looking robes.

“Welcome, welcome, zirz and madamez. And Mayor Pleazantly it iz alwayz a pleazure.” Zimeon bowed until his pointy nose tickled his scaly toes.

“Ahh yes, yes, this old chap is... umm...” the Mayor waved his hand in front of him, his fleshy lips flapping for a name.

“Zimeon De Woolf” the HobGoblin muttered, still facing the floor.

“Ahh yes, Zimeon De Woolf, bank manager.”

“A Goblin?” The word spat from Venollix’s perfectly moisturised lips with open disdain.

“Oh no, Zimeon’s a good chap, don’t let the scales put you off,” Mayor Pleasently chuckled nervously. “He’s one of the good ones. Astounding noggin for numbers, isn’t that right, Zimeon?”

“Yez zir.”

“Hmm.” Vennolix didn’t look convinced, the sneer deepening on his face. He clicked his fingers and one of the Elves in his cadre stepped forward with a thick roll of parchment in his hands.

“Good, if you would look at section 1126, paragraph 117, line 38, it clearly states that any and such problems with Appelaxium systems, will remain discreet until such time as said problem is solved. There is your signature Mr. De Woolf, do you accept that?” the Elf rattled off this mouthful while pointing to the millimetre sized lettering in the tome.

The beleaguered bank manager merely gave a look like his tea was too weak, and then nodded.

“Yez, that iz mine, but I do not remember reading that?”

“Why is that not a surprise,” one of the Elves tittered.

“Good, then you understand that this matter must remain private, lest you be held in breach of contract,” the Elf looked pointedly at the bank manager, who nodded so hard his glasses came loose.

“Excellent,” Venollix beamed at the bank manager, yet his eyes remained two frozen chips of blue ice.

“Of course the old lad will keep his lips shut, we're not idle gum wobblers in this city, no sir,” the Mayor bounced on his heels with the look of a thoroughly agitated man about him.

“I hope that reputation will not be put to the test, Mayor Pleasantly.”

“Worry not old... old chap, I've got my best people on the case, and we will have this matter resolved in tip top fashion.” The Mayor was one of those rotund men who stood in such a way as to become mostly stomach. His nervous laugh wobbled his belly and creased his little piggy eyes.

“This is Captain Mallory of our fine police force.”

The Dwarf puffed himself up to his four foot peak, and almost as if they had practised it, every Elf looked to where the Mayor pointed, and then slid their eyes down in disappointment.

“You are the... Dwarf in charge?” Venollix looked down his long pointed nose at Mallory, although to be fair there were not many other ways to look at the Cap'n.

“Yessir.”

“You’re the best man?” The question left a lot to be desired.

“Oh yes, don’t you let his Dwarvish exterior discombobulate you, Venollix old chum, sharp as a tack is Mallory.”

“Most Dwarves I've ever met are rather... blunt.” The Elves behind him tittered in unison.

Fortunately, The Cap'n was indeed very blunt, he had no space in his brain for inference or subtext, and so took it as a compliment.

“Tell me Captain, where have you gotten in your investigations? How many suspects do you have?”

“Suspects? None yet sir, still processing all the available information and clues,” the Cap'n retorted smartly.

“No suspects?”

“None as of yet.”

“Well then who has been arrested?”

“Well we don’t have any suspects, so... who would we arrest?”

“The usuals.”

“The usual what?”

“Suspects”

“Can't say Verdalia’s got any criminals in the regular business of breaking into unbreakable vaults.”

Silence followed Mallory's words, punctuated only by the Mayor's heavy nasal breathing. Finally he couldn’t take the tension and burst out in an awkward guffaw.

“Mayor Pleasently, why do I feel this situation is not being handled with the utmost seriousness?” Venollix hissed, his words dripping in acid.

“No, of course not. I mean yes... I mean...” The Mayor mopped his floppy hair from his sweaty brow.

“It better be, Mayor, because this is Elf business and therefore of the utmost importance. So I trust ALL police resources are being redirected into finding our Diamond.”

“Well we do have a city to run still plus this influx of bloody refugees from the Earthquake in Ling, we’re up to our necks in it,” the Cap'n said, blunt as ever.

“Haha, what he means is despite all those other plebeian problems one must be seen to solve,” the Mayor, flapped at the Elves and placed a sweaty hand on the Dwarf's shoulder. “So tell Mr. Venollix what you have been doing to recover his Diamond.”

Here was a rare moment where Mallory provided a prime example of the diplomatic sense required to be in management: he delegated.

“Sergeant Nairo, inform the sirs about what is being done.”

Nairo stood neatly to attention.

“The entire area from port to highway is currently on extra patrol,” she began.

“On double pay?” the Mayor gasped, the pages of his eternally unbalanced budget flapped dramatically in his mind.

“Would be wouldn’t it?” the Cap'n replied.

“Oh...” the Mayor made a low trailing off sound, his lips forming a pink fleshy O, until he saw Venollix's finely plucked golden eyebrow arch. “Of course, must be done. Won't hear otherwise.” Again he mopped at his brow, distractedly. “Of course Mr. De Woolf and I shall have further discussions on the bank's generous donations towards the cause.”

Zimeon's scaly head snapped upwards at the sound of his coffers emptying.

“But...”

“So gracious of you,” the Mayor said, cracking another putty-like smile.

Venollix cleared his throat.

“Oh err... yes, continue Captain.”

“Proceed Sergeant.”

“The immediate area has been canvassed heavily, all known criminal entities are being monitored, and the flow of contraband controlled.”

The almighty snort of derision from Ridley echoed around the vault. Every eye turned his way.

“And you are?” Venollix asked.

“Oh he's nobody,” Mallory answered brusquely.

“Wait a moment, aren’t you...” the Mayor began.

“Nobody,” Ridley finished for him, walking towards the group. “Tell me, is the system being used here the Dragon Egg 17.9 charm package?”

“Of course not,” one of the Elves snorted behind Venollix. “The Dragon Egg 17.9 has been obsolete for at least five weeks now!”

“I'm surprised he even remembers it,” another Elf muttered.

“Of course how silly of me, then it had the full evisceration scripts and detection of all corporeal forms?”

“The most powerful of Elf charms and magicks protect this place,” Venollix said. Somehow he had found a few inches of height to stand even taller.

“And for a nominal one time fee it came with a free update of the blood and viscera rinsing mechanism,” another Elf chimed in.

Cap'n Mallory opened his mouth then shut it again, he had been waiting for a chance to interrupt; he just had to find a part of the conversation that didn’t sound like complete gibberish to him.

“So in essence this new unbreakable security system is even more unbreakable than the last?” Ridley said.

“The most unbreakable!”

“Then how was it broken into?”

The conversation stopped dead as safe maker faced crime solver, each eyed the other suspiciously, waiting to see where the buck landed. The first Elf who had been hastily flicking through the heavy tome of agreements and licences, using a second Elf as a table, made a small noise of eureka and pushed the manuscript under their collective noses.

“See here, section 100004, paragraph 809 line 777, Appelaxium cannot be held responsible...”

“Shove yer jargon,” the Cap'n barked. “We're not going to find this hunk of rock standing here exercising our jaws.”

“The Captain is quite right. Mr. Venollix you can see for yourself my best men and err... woman are on the case. Pixie!” The Mayor clicked his fingers and then looked around in confusion. “Where have the Pixies gone?”

“Oh the uzual crew have not arrived this morning,” De Woolf said, wringing his hands nervously. “You zee it iz all the dizruption…”

“Not the bloody Pixie disruption again!” Mallory growled. “Walthram!”

“Yes Cap’n?”

“Take Mr. Venollix's party back up to where the air is fresher and call for their carriage,” The Mayor instructed Wathram before turning back to the Elves. “Mr. Vennolix if you would ascend and I will be but a moment behind you. I must have a quiet word with my officers.”

“May I suggest, Mayor Pleasently, that it is somewhat more than a simple quiet word.” The Elf turned, giving the Mayor his back. “Some members of the council, may perhaps, see this robbery and the manner of the subsequent handling of said robbery, as an act of infringement upon the accord of our two cities.”

“Possibly,” added the Elf with the tome quickly.

“Or even, as an act of hostility.” With that he clicked his heels and made off after the lumbering troll.

Mayor Pleasently waited for them to exit the vault before turning to the Cap'n, the disarming look of idiotic pandering had disappeared from his face, to be replaced by a distant and, somewhat disconnected, intelligence.

“Mallory it is not looking good, not at all”

“Elves looked ruffled,” Mallory said, unable to keep the pleasure that gave him from his voice.

“Wise up Mallory!” the Mayor snapped. “We're up to our necks in it,” and to emphasise this he flapped a flabby finger around his buttery neck. “The Elves take these things to heart, plus that bloody gem of theirs seems to be rather precious.”

“Precious enough to go to war over? Or just throw their weight around?” Nairo asked.

The Mayor looked at her as if appraising her for the first time.

“Either way will not be good for us, miss...?”

“Sergeant Nairo, sir.”

“Nairo, yes. Handled yourself well there Miss Nairo, splendid under fire and all that. But with the Elves tightening their own borders, The Gnomes swallowing up everything North of the White Mountains, and the bloody United Goblin Tribe trying to declare war on anything that casts a shadow, we need our relationship with the Elves more than ever. No offence of course,” The Mayor added with a nod to Zimeon, who, as a banker, had heard far worse and merely shrugged in return.

Mallory, who had no head for politics, certainly knew one thing, he didn’t like Goblins, but he also had no love for Elves. Or the Mayor.

“Aye, we'll find yer Diamond, Sergeant Nairo here was handpicked by meself, sharp as a bloodhound.” The Cap'n cracked a rare smile and gave his Sergeant a pat on the back. A pat that floored most officers. Nairo merely gave a practised wince and remained at attention.

“Good good, no mistakes, whatever you need Mallory, you get the job done. Come Mr. De Woolf, I expect you'll be needing your cheque book.” He led the hobgoblin by the elbow out of the vault.

Mallory turned to Nairo.

“Right, well you heard him, The Elves want results, Mayor wants results and I want results, so you best get out there and get us some damn results.”

“Aye aye, Captain,” Nairo said. “I'll get back out there and keep canvassing for anything suspicious.”

“No Sergeant, I need you to do something that’s actually important,” the Cap'n said. “And where do you think you're going?”

Ridley stopped mid escape and shrugged at the Cap'n.

“Oh you know, PI stuff, got that missing persons to find.”

“Oh and why do I have a feeling your missing person is gonna take you down the same path as my missing Diamond?” The Cap'n wagged a suspicious finger at the reticent PI.

“I just follow the clues, Cap, where they take me I don’t decide.”

“And I guess if you were to stumble upon a thread that unravelled my case...?”

“Well I'd have to give that thread a pull.” Ridley eyed the Cap'n to see where the Dwarf was going.

“Well then Ridley give that string a pull and find me my damn Diamond, before we have a much bigger problem on our hands.”

“See what I can do Cap’n.”

“Sergeant!”

“Yes Cap’n?”

“You are to run the investigation which shall lead to the recovery of the Diamond, in which Ridley will run his own investigation as to finding his missing person. Any sharing of information and or strategy are wholly unofficial and will not come back to bite me in my rocky backside. Got it?” He squinted heavily at both of them, this level of double talk was giving him a headache.

“I don’t need a sidekick Cap’n,” Ridley grunted, barely giving Sergeant Nairo a look.

“With all due respect Mr. Ridley, I believe I'm looking for a Diamond of international importance, and you are searching for a missing person. If anybody is a sidekick, it is not me," Sergeant Nairo said, trying to hide the ghost of a smile when the Cap'n burst out laughing in Ridley's unamused face.

“Told yer she's sharp.”