Seraphim is a Bystander

Monologue

(From Sasaki-kun’s point of view)
 
I'm not good at making friends.
I don’t remember exactly when that started, but I do know it has something to do with a certain condition I have.

Back in kindergarten, and even after starting elementary school, I've never been able to truly connect with people.
My presence is unusually faint—so much so that people rarely remember me, even after speaking with me.
“Sasaki-kun, are you okay?”
That’s why I was so surprised when Futaba-kun—one of the most popular students in class, maybe even the whole school—actually remembered me.
Even Katsu—Ken—talking to me was surprising, but for Futaba-kun to remember my name just because we were in the same class once...
Honestly, that’s not normal.

Aside from my family and those people, this is the first time in my life someone’s remembered me by name so casually.
Even my homeroom teacher sometimes struggles to match my name with my face.
People who know about my condition often say I’m like “white.”
White doesn’t mix with other colors.
When white is mixed, it ceases to be white.
So, white has to remain apart—alone.
…And yet—

“Yes! Then let’s do our best together, Sasaki-kun!”
And yet he—Futaba-kun—talks to me like it's the most natural thing in the world.
Even with my family and those people, I can’t interact normally without something feeling wrong, like I stop being myself when I get too close to someone.
It’s terrifying when someone tries to step into my space… even if I know they’re not like the others, I still push them away.
But… what is it about Futaba-kun that’s different from everyone else?
What makes him not like the rest, and what is it about him that might be the same as me?

I want {N•o•v•e•l•i•g•h•t} to talk to him.
I want to tell him about myself.
I want him to tell me about himself.
…But I’ve gotten so used to avoiding people, my mouth won’t open that easily.
“That was surprising… Are you okay, Sasaki-kun?”
Maybe that’s why—when we shook hands—something passed between us.
Something like a current, like electricity.
…Maybe that happened because I genuinely wanted to connect with him.

But if that’s the case, why did I feel it too?
Does that mean… he has something like me inside him too?
Something you can’t throw away even if you want to, something you can’t change even if you try?
I want to talk to him.
I want to become his friend.
The more I think about him, the stronger that feeling grows.
…But can someone like me really be friends with someone like him?
He’s popular at school, has close friends like Katsu, is well-liked by girls…
He’s nothing like me.

If Katsu hadn’t noticed me and brought me over, I wouldn’t have had a reason to talk to him at all.
Even if I want to be his friend, there’s no way he’d want to be friends with someone like me…
…And yet.
Even so, if he’s really similar to me, just once—I want to sit down and talk with him.
During this school trip, I’ll try my best to get closer to him.
I don’t remember the last time I tried to make a friend…
But I’ll try, in my own way.
I’ve never had a single friend in my life, but if it’s him—if it’s Futaba-kun—
Maybe he could be the first person to truly be my friend.

If I talk to him during this trip and it doesn’t work out, then I’ll give up.
I’ll accept that there’s no one in this world who can really connect with me.
And I’ll go on living the way I always have—completely alone.
…Maybe those people sent me to a regular school just to break my spirit.
Futaba-kun might be… my first and last hope.
That’s why—just for the duration of this school trip—I want to gather up every last ounce of my courage and try.

…To the other people in our group, I’ll probably come off as unpleasant.
But just for the school trip, I hope they’ll forgive me.
If this doesn’t work out, I’ll give up—completely.
So please…
Just give me these last few days to find the resolve to accept that.