Rogue of Taurus

Livia texted Corvin a couple of days later. If I come by around 5 will you be home?

Corvin didn’t answer instantly and Livia wanted to take the text back. Did she really need to have a discussion with him about everything the Halls had told her? The weight of the consequences of Bella’s actions settled on her shoulders. Yeah, it was important to talk about the welfare crisis in Lupus house.

Corvin texted an hour later. Class until 5:30. Can we do 6?

Livia’s heart pounded. She could make excuses. She could decide to spend the evening watching Romcoms with Whitney. There were a million other things she could do besides having emotionally fraught conversations with Corvin Tullius. But she owed him a sincere apology and she wouldn’t let herself off the hook. Not over something like this.

Livia texted. See you at 6.

Corvin: I’ll pick up something to eat together on the way home.

Livia wanted to protest. That seemed too much like something people in a relationship would do. That freaked her out. Especially, after all the comments Tavian and Arik had made. Before panic made her react harshly Livia took a deep breath and thought through responses that wouldn’t cause conflict.

She settled on. Let me know how much I owe you.

There. That made it more of a friend thing.

Livia sent prayers up to her dead ancestors again as she walked up to Corvin’s door. Terrance joined them for dinner and some of Livia’s nerves disappeared because Corvin had bought food for him too. It was totally a friend thing. Also, Terrance smoothed over the conversation when Livia got too nervous to think of a reply.

After dinner, Terrance excused himself to study. He patted Livia’s arm on the way out of the room.

“Relax, he doesn’t bite,” he whispered.

Livia glared at him.

Terrance grinned and disappeared down the hallway.

Corvin sat on the couch in the front room. Livia followed him. She hesitated, then blew out all her breath as she knelt on the ground in front of Corvin. He gave her a questioning look. Instead of remaining on the couch, he followed her lead and slid off the cushions until he sat on the ground too. That almost made her lose all her courage. She’d liked the distance between them. Now, with his eyes level with hers, she felt her throat tighten with the heaviness of her apology.

“What’s going on, Liv?” Corvin asked. “Tell me what’s on your mind.”

She had been awake all night trying to figure out how to have this weird conversation. She didn’t know what point to start with first, but she’d decided to start with Bella. She took a deep breath and hoped she didn’t offend him forever.

“The Halls told me something I didn’t know,” Livia said.

Corvin looked surprised. “Oh? What’d they say?”

“They told me what happened with Bella.”

A resigned look crossed his face and he nodded.

“I-I didn’t know,” Livia confessed, awkwardly.

“Really?” he didn’t hide his disbelief as he would have before. “She never talked about me?”

Livia shook her head. “It wasn’t that. We talked about you. We didn’t talk about...how she sold out your secrets to get that political appointment.”

“Interesting,” he said, but his expression had gone neutral again, he’d gone back into hiding.

Livia pressed on. “I only knew that she was being shunned. So, we’d go out and try to forget for a couple of hours how messed up our lives were.”

“Justin didn’t tell you?” Corvin asked.

“It was all Justin could do at that point to keep me functional,” Livia said. “So, I completely understand why they didn’t invite me into their drama.”

“Functional?” Corvin asked, confused.

So, he didn’t know either. “I went a little crazy after Hyrum left. Didn’t sleep well at night. Nightmares. Panic attacks. Didn’t want to leave the house. I’d feel unsafe all the time. I’m surprised they even put up with me.” Livia looked down at her hands.

“I knew you struggled,” Corvin said. “I didn’t know it got that bad, I’m sorry.”

Livia shook her head. “Don’t be. None of it was your fault. My family was...my family is...My mom...she’s unstable. She never makes good decisions. And when she does, it feels like good luck. But that’s...not what I’m here to talk about. So--” Livia made a motion of putting that aside.

“Okay,” Corvin nodded.

Livia had to regroup. “Okay, I guess, I need to ask if what they said was true. Did she betray your political secrets to get a job?”

Corvin sighed. “Her motivations were more nuanced than that, but yes, that’s essentially what happened. I gave her a choice to apologize and leave the position to prove that I could trust her. She chose the position over me, which hurt. She expected me to forgive her and to reconcile for a while so it was messy. But she’d showed me she was more infatuated with my position than she was with me. I already know from past failed relationships that’s not enough to sustain a healthy relationship.”

Livia was surprised at the level of personal detail he shared. It wasn’t like him to be that open. Also, what he said made a lot of sense. It reflected the situation with her mother. Maybe that’s what happened. Honor was infatuated with Drusus Fabius’ position and it wasn’t enough to make either of them happy.

“Well, I realized yesterday,” Livia gulped. “That it might be my fault she didn’t give up the position.”

Corvin lifted a single eyebrow. “Explain.”

“Because I didn’t understand what she’d done, I influenced Bella to keep that job. I thought you were being unfair and...sexist. She was good at that job, Corvin. She hadn’t ever had an opportunity like that before. So, I told her over and over that if you cared about her you wouldn’t ask her to compromise.”

Corvin sighed and wouldn’t meet her gaze.

Livia whispered. “Since no one told me, I didn’t know that the Lupus house welfare crisis was caused by her actions. I’m sorry if my actions made that more difficult.”

Corvin closed his eyes. “I should never have donated that money.”

Livia remained silent.

“Justin hoped that if I removed myself from the situation that things would get better and they’d be able to negotiate a deal,” Corvin said, folding his hands together.

Livia asked, “Do you feel like it’s working?”

“No.”

“I am so sorry--”

Corvin shook his head. “Livia, you did nothing wrong. Honestly, I’m relieved you were able to be an impartial friend when no one else was capable. Justin and Flavia have told me more than once that your friendship saved her. It was an excruciating year for everyone involved.”

Livia whispered, “I realize how...my actions looked to everyone. I took her side over yours.”

Corvin spoke sincerely. “Livia, I didn’t resent you for that. You made the best of a hard situation. That said, I’m surprised. I thought you were going to try and talk me into getting back together with her at some point over the last year.”

Livia frowned. “No. Bella never asked me to do anything like that. I think we both knew you wouldn’t listen to me.”

Corvin blinked several times before he asked, “Why’d you both think that?”

“Cause, you know? I’m a nobody in Caesarea.” Livia laughed.

“That’s not true,” Corvin said.

“Then...you’re blind to the way people treat me there.”

Corvin sighed, as if frustrated. “Liv, the power of your influence and position is not diminished by how people treat you. They’d like you to think that, but it’s not true. You are my peer. Custom dictates that if you had a concern that someone in my father’s circle would give you an impartial audience and hear you out.”

“Really?” Livia asked.

“Yes, you are one of the few in Caesarea that has a legitimate claim on that privilege,” Corvin said.

“So, does that mean I always have to listen to you?” Livia asked.

“If I made a formal request for an audience you could appoint someone to hear me out if you were uncomfortable with a direct conversation--Gaius, Hyrum, Justin--”

Livia thought about that a moment. “Corvin, I need to apologize for how I treated you when we first got here. I’d like to be your friend. If your offer still stands. I’d understand if you don’t want--”

Corvin put his hand on her knee to stop her rambling. “Livia, I’d love to be your friend still.”

“Okay. Good. Um--Arik. I-I-”

Corvin smiled, his hand still on her knee. “Too bad he doesn’t have a bit more brain to go along with that beauty, huh?”

Livia sighed. “He reminds me of Adrian sometimes. They’re clueless.”

“Sometimes the inexperience of youth translates as insensitivity,” Corvin agreed. “It’s a thing.”

Livia nodded. She grew self-conscious as Corvin’s eyes settled on her and stayed. He removed his hand from her knee then lifted the back of his fingers to her cheek and brushed them briefly over her cheek.

“You know what I can’t get off my mind?” he asked, extending his fingers to smooth her hair back.

“What?” Livia whispered, finding it hard to maintain eye contact with him.

“The tears in your eyes when you told me you weren’t used to affection feeling good,” Corvin removed his hand from her hair and placed it on his own knee.

Livia didn’t know why she confessed. “I think, I’m broken.”

She covered her mouth with her hand and then hid her eyes in the crook of her opposite arm. She took deep breaths to keep her emotions at bay.

Corvin’s hand cupped her arm. Then moved up and down in a soothing motion. She pulled her face up. “I’m sorry.”

“No, no,” Corvin spoke. “Don’t be. Can we talk about it?”

“What’s there to talk about?” she asked.

“Were you open with Arik about how you felt?” Corvin asked, removing his hand from her arm.

“Yeah,” she answered. “We liked opposite things. So...I tried to make it 50/50 where we kissed the way he wanted and then kissed the way I wanted.”

“So, did you like it when you did it your way?” Corvin asked.

“At first, yeah, but then I started resenting him when it was his turn. I got so tired of it.”

“That’s hard, Liv,” Corvin said. “Justin is open about this. Taurus have a hard time feeling pleasure. The same abilities that make them resistant to pain also impede feeling pleasure. He and Flavia spent a lot of time figuring out how to make their relationship good for her too.”

“Is...is it good for her?” Livia asked.

Corvin’s eyes sparked with amusement at the same time his lips turned up in a grin. “Famously so. They had to work hard for it and don’t keep that a secret. They wanted other Taurus women to know they weren’t alone.”

“Really?” Livia asked, feeling relieved.

“Really,” Corvin assured her.

Corvin continued, “My uncle Lucius and Aunt Garnet were the same. They’re more discreet about it but things improved for them after they talked to Justin and Flavia. It saved their marriage.”

“That’s good to hear,” Livia said.

“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Corvin said, gently. “And you are not alone. Both Justin and Flavia and my aunt and uncle would be willing to answer any questions if you run into that problem again.”

“What if I hadn’t talked to you?” Livia asked.

“What if?” Corvin joked.

Livia smiled. “Thank you for telling me.”

“It’s the least I can do, Liv,” he said.

“I didn’t think I was going to try a relationship ever again,” she admitted.

Corvin looked at her. “Liv, more guys would be understanding about it than you’d think.”

“Really?” Livia asked.

Corvin laughed. “Really, Liv. You should be blunt about it. You’ll know right away which guys are interested and which are not.”

“What if they’re not interested?”

“Then what’s the point, anyway? It won’t be good for you,” he said.

“That’s...true,” Livia admitted

Corvin asked, “Do you want a family, Liv?”

“Not if I have to give up certain things,” she said.

“What things?”

“Independence. Financial Security. I always want to be able to work.”

“Those things are not insurmountable challenges,” Corvin said.

“You don’t think so?” Livia asked. “Caesarea seems...not that way. Very traditional.”

“We’re Caesarean’s,” Corvin said. “We’re biased toward relationships and family and that won’t change. But I think you’re not looking at the whole picture of what you have to offer. There will be a man who will be willing to negotiate with you. You have a lot of power. You should not settle before you’ve even gotten started. Ask for everything you want.”

Livia had a lot of questions about what he meant. She opened her mouth to ask him and then shut it. She heard Hyrum saying in her head. Mom’s biggest mistake was letting her value be defined by the men around her. Don’t do that Livia. No one defines what you’re worth except for you. She worried asking Corvin to explain what he meant would be akin to asking him to define her worth. That wasn’t a trap she wanted to fall into. But Corvin had made her feel like she could ask Flavia and Justin these things. It’d be safer to ask them what they thought Corvin meant.

“You have a question?” Corvin asked, face open with invitation.

Livia shook her head.

“Ask,” Corvin encouraged.

“No,” she shook her head again. “I should go. I have class early tomorrow.”

Corvin sighed. “I’m glad you came over. I’d love to talk like this again.”

Livia nodded. “See you, Corvin.”