Rising Shards

I sat on my bed as Marmalade unpacked her stuff. Oka sat next to me. Kalei was on her top bunk playing a game as usual, and Lillia was at the desk.

“So I get why I’m here,” Marmalade said. “And Kalei and Zeta. But…why are you two?”

“I’m here because I was invited,” Lillia said. “And I agreed to because I was curious about what Zeta had to say. I’m working on my studies over here, so if it appears I am not listening, know that I can handle both my homework and being an active listener at the same time. I also could still be the harsh judge for the roommate situation, if that's still on the table."

"That last bit sounds scary...?" Marmalade said.

“And I am here to uh,” Oka said, blinking very slowly. “Ensure the transfer of roommates is a successful one for all parties involved. Mostly emotional support for girlfriend. And Zeta told me she’d tell me the story in more detail, so I wanted in. Sorry, my new pills are a little gloopy right now. But it’s aaaaalllllll good. Oh!” She looked at me, then to Kalei. “This is just like when you told us! I bet Kalei’s playing the same game, right?”

“Why would I remember what game I was playing back then?” Kalei asked.

“I…don’t knowwwww.” Oka said. “But anyways. Zeta Faleur has the floor.”

“Sorry this is a bit more dramatic than I intended,” I said. “But…I wanted to share my war story."

Marmalade nodded.

“They’ve heard it,” I said. “But not like the full story. Except for Oka, I told her the whole story, but, yeah. I’m kinda really nervous right now.”

“I’ve heard it in great detail,” Oka said. She spoke with a weird voice and did an exaggerated dainty gesture to herself. “But I desire hearing it again.”

“I…think I follow,” Marmalade said.

“Sorry, again,” I said. This felt like the first time I told Oka and Kalei again. “I’m just kinda really nervous about this? It’s not that I don’t want to talk about it, it’s just that I…don’t talk about it that much.”

“You’re fine,” Marmalade said. “I thought this was going to be like a roommate job interview deal with the tryout thing and all so this just being about trans stuff sounds like a relief, honestly.”

“Right,” I said. “So…I…just wanna talk about me being trans a bit more than I have. So. Here goes. Hello. Hi. Alright, starting for real now.”

* * *

The time before I was truly me is foggy. Not foggy in a like “I don’t remember any of it” kind of way, just. It’s more like the time before I was really me is like a crappy prequel to Zeta Faleur, a prequel that offers nothing truly of note outside of connecting some dots. A prequel that I don’t think there’s much worth in talking too much about, and one I’d rather not rewatch.

I knew when I was very young, even when I didn’t know exactly what I knew. I just knew that the me that I was wasn’t the me I was supposed to be. I had a clearer idea of the me I was supposed to be than I did of my absent parents, though I imagined a lot about both about the same amount back then. Stella always told me she could tell when I was very young that my assigned gender at birth wasn’t the one I was happy in. She described me as being very “sad quiet” when I was young, something she had recently admitted she worried was due to the departure of our parents to wherever they went in the void when they decided it was more important than us (I know Stella said she stopped their means of void travel from bringing us with them, but in my opinion, that was just the result of my parents making it clear what was really important to them). As I started to be more comfortable as a girl than what I was born as, Stella made sure I had all the means to figure out my true self. She also made sure to never prod me in any direction, having a lot of talks about all my options, ensuring at the end of the day that it was about me being me. 

Stella always had my back for trans-related business. Well, she had my back for a lot of my businesses. But for trans-related business I felt like she always went the extra three miles instead of her usual extra two miles for me. 

When I was old enough, I was given the option to start medically transitioning. It wasn’t a difficult choice. I didn’t hesitate and didn’t look back. I was in a tunnel, but I could see me at the end of it. I think I reached that me a bit before I started falling for Jeans, with each day steadily feeling clearer. Like my whole life prior was almost in a depersonalized state, and when I stepped out of the haze, Zeta Faleur finally got to be herself.

When my fangs came in, I was given another choice. I met with my old doctor, Dr. Maerin, as well as Dr. Diast, and was presented with new options for my transition. I mostly met with Dr. Maerin for this, but I still had a few vital chats with Dr. Diast. I also gained somewhat decent information from the book So You're a Transgender or Gender Nonconforming Cani: All the Things You Can Do Now That Your Fangs Are in to Collate Those Into a Unified Experience For Your Body (Is Collate the Right Word? Even if It's Not, It Looks Nice So We're Keeping It, Much Like You Will Get to Figure Out What Cani Trans Things Are Right For You).

Now that I was fully a Cani, I had a lot more options transgender-wise, all of them completely safe. The big two options were these: I could continue on as I was already doing, then later think about surgeries and whatnot, or I could take a pill once a month for approximately two years and almost instantaneously be me on the first dosage. The latter sounded a little too good to be true at first. And my 3WMB searches about the subject made me concerned about some side effects (3WMB tends to go to the worst-case scenario, which in this case included the aforementioned explosion-y reactions to the monthly pill for Cani). Still, the choice wasn’t too hard considering I was heading to a boarding school shortly.

A bit after I got my fangs, I sat on my comfort couch, staring at the bottle of pills.

“Alright,” Stella said, setting down a bunch of snacks, drinks, and more in front of me to help me if I got really barfy and needed to lie down on comfort couch for a while. It was her tried and true method, and I appreciated her preparing it in advance. “Are you for sure good with taking these right now? Do you…need me in the room?”

“Is it…gonna be like instant?” I asked. They had told me, but in my haze of this finally being real, my goal of true-self-ness so close, I wanted to be sure.

“I think within the hour is what the doctor said.” Stella said. “For the, er, for the obvious changes."

I kind of wished I had Dr. Diast on hand for this, but I mainly talked to Dr. Maerin to get this prescription.

“And they said it won’t hurt.” I said. "Well, that the hurt won't last very long?"

“And that it may feel a little weird.” Stella said. “Well, I guess it’d be weirder if it didn’t feel weird.”

“Right.” I said. "And that I might get really emotional with all the quick hormone changes?"

"Something like that," Stella said. "This should take care of you hormonally—is that a word? That's a word, right? Anyways, yeah. And if it doesn't, then they'll prescribe some estrogen, I think? I think this is all covered? I should probably stop, I think I'm making you worry more because I'm not one hundred percent on these."

"No, I'm just regular worrying, it's not you," I said. "And this is fine at home? Like I don't need to be at a hospital for this?"

"I asked like five times, and they were very clear this would be safe at home," Stella said.

"Alright," I said. “I think I’ll be OK by myself then.”

“OK, good,” Stella said. “Now that you’ve said that…it might be really weird for me to be in the room with you for this. But if you needed me to, I could.”

“I’m fine, I think,” I said. “Hey, Stella?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m really happy about this. Like this feels right.”

“Good.” Stella said. She took the pill bottle from me and took one pill out, as if she thought I’d suddenly take more than the one monthly they prescribed me. She set the teal pill on my outstretched palms. I grabbed one of the sports drinks she got me and took a determined deep breath. “I’m gonna go work on some stuff, so. Yelp one extra time than normal if things don’t feel right.”

“How many yelps do I have to get to for an ‘extra’ one?” I asked.

“OK, fair,” Stella said, knowing how much I yelped at just about anything. “Just say ‘something’s wrong’ if…something’s wrong.”

Stella retreated to her room. I just had to take a pill once a month. Then I’d be me. I mean, I was already me, just. My body would more fully reflect the me I could feel within me. My soul would be in harmony with my body, something like that. And after a year or two, my body would remember the right state to be in, so I wouldn’t even need to take the pills forever. I had to hype myself up a bit still.

“I got my fangs in,” I said to myself. “That was the scary part. Now is the uh. The other part? The next part, let's go with that.”

Same stuff, just different. They were parts that didn’t feel like they belonged to me, and after this, my body would be changed with the right components, so to speak. I thought about how long I’d been working to get to this point and got the pill in my mouth. It was really big, so I almost hacked it up and started crying, necessitating Stella to return to the room to comfort me enough to take the pill for real. Once I did get it down, I started yelping at Stella to leave so I could be alone for this, which she obliged easily.

My doctors told me that the sensation from the first pill would likely feel like scalding hot coffee getting poured on and within a few parts of my body for just a second or two, and then I’d be set. Like, set set. Like the big changes of transition handled by my able-to-shapeshift Cani self in just a few minutes. Again, too good to be true, right? That’s what I was thinking the instant before I felt that very accurately described scalding hot coffee feeling in blotches across my body for just a few seconds, causing about twelve extra yelps that brought Stella back out immediately to make sure I wasn’t about to explode. When the burning feeling stopped, I had somehow ended up on my feet a few leaps away from the couch.

“Are…you good?” Stella asked.

I was petrified in place, as was Stella, for a few seconds.

“I uh,” I said, a wide grin forming on my face as the new changes started to settle in and I began to process that everything had gone alright. “I’m. Yeah. Super good.”

Once I'd settled from the shock, I was cheering and marching around the living room. I reveled in my newfound self, loving how I felt, loving my voice just sounding more right even if it hadn't really changed a great amount. I was out of the tunnel.

"This is a great day for all Zeta-kind!" I announced to no one in particular, though Stella was in the room looking on proudly. "On this day, I embark on a—" I sneezed. Shortly after, my nose felt warm. A geyser nosebleed couldn't stop my celebrating, but another accidentally conjured thunderstorm, a slip, and a bite from my fangs caused enough of a freak out that we ended up at the hospital to just make sure everything was alright. After a cleanup and a quick appointment confirming I was fine and reminding us that we didn't need to make the trip, it was back to celebrating the new Zeta Faleur.