Rising Shards

Kalei didn’t pay much attention to me as I stayed in my bed, scribbling away at my diary, sitting at the desk with one of her gaming machines. While she video gamed, I tried once more to make sense of things involving Zeta Faleur.

As I mentioned, I didn’t have friends at Tesata. I had somewhat-kind-of-acquaintances. Sometimes people who would wait a bit before the backstabbings (there were way more opportunities to backstab each other at Tesata than one would expect). I’d fight with them, one of us would say we’re never speaking again, and we pretty much held to that, especially for the people who were lucky enough not to serve full terms there. I had no one, so I got to see plenty come and go. So I was used to classmates mad at me. But I wasn’t used to friends.

Something about Zeta especially hit me deeply. Now in our brief time as roommates, she, Kalei, and I had our little arguments. But those are kind of fun. And I could tell already the energy was so different than how Tesata folks were. There wasn’t that underlying anger we were trained to have for each other. With my new friends, the underlying feeling even in our little fights was warmth, happiness. I didn’t get the sense that Zeta or Kalei would rage at me about monthly student ability rankings or whatever.

So Diary. I think Zeta’s mad at me. I don’t know why this hurts so much. She’s allowed to be mad at me. But I don’t know what I did. If I knew what I did, that would help a lot I think.

Would I be this mad if it was Kalei? If Kalei was mad at me, or if I was mad at her…hmm. I think it’d be different. Not that I dislike Kalei, but our friendship (I hope she considers me a friend at least) feels less…what’s the word. I don’t know. I don’t want to say precious, because while I would love to say that Zeta and I’s my and Zetas’ Zeta and mes the friendship Zeta and I share is precious, it’s maybe too early to say that? And saying that ours is precious but Kalei’s isn’t is mean. My friendship with Kalei is precious too. It’s just different. If Kalei was mad at me it’s probably because she said some joke that went too far and I called her out on it, and she had a moment of being able to dish it out but not take it and get all crabby about it. Come to think of it, that exact scenario did happen a few days ago. Why wasn’t I all devastated then like I am now?

When I think back to Tesata, it’s like the Oka Ohri that existed there was barely a person. Like I wasn’t able to exist until recently. Like I was in this prison, and a bit ago I got out, and now I’m like for real here. Like the shackles are off, I can see daylight. And a big part of that daylight is Zeta, I think. I’ve never had a friend like her. I wish she could always be glad to see me.

So maybe that’s why this hurts.

It’s like. I have friends, pretty sure they all think so. Zeta, Kalei, Aira, Laenie, and I get along fine with other classmates. Kalei and Zeta are like my besties. But Zeta is like my best bestie? Is that a thing? And having best bestie mad is different than a bestie? I’m not making any sense, am I diary?

Next issue. If I did make Zeta mad, what did I do? Did I screw up my attempt at communication after all? Was she mad about the alien robot bit? I thought that was funny, but maybe her giggles, the ones that brighten her whole face, making me feel like flowers are blooming within my soul, were those just pretend? Is she that good of an actor though? That sounds mean. But I must say, while I really am fond of Zeta, she hasn’t shown me the sense that she’d be good at acting. So maybe we can rule out the conversation being an issue. So what did I do?

Not to go off on a tangent, but have I mentioned how pretty Zeta is? I thought about petting her hair yesterday. I bet it’s really soft, like a cat’s fur. I wonder if she’d ever let me pet it. And like I said last paragraph, her smile is so amazing. I don’t know how she looked before she got her fangs, but her fangs are just perfect for her. I suppose she looked generally the same, but I think the way her fangs are makes her brightness even brighter.

Is it weird to think about one person this much? I’ve spent all day thinking about her and it’s got me all topsy turvy. I learned that she’s jumpy in class, that she likes Raina Starlight and her books a lot, and…my investigating skills kinda suck. If Zeta read any of this she’d probably think I’m super weird.

Fall leaves falling down. I can see them from the window. ‘fall leaves falling’ sounds poetic in my head but reading it like, duh, leaves fall in fall like. What are you doing, Oka? I wish I had the energy to go out there and walk around in the leaves and kick them around, that would make me feel better I think. But I’m beat.

Maybe I’m just scared I’m going to lose this new thing that makes me so happy. That after all the years of crap I went through at Tesata, that at least I’d have all the fun times at Rising Shards and beyond to make up for it. And when I thought of fun times at Rising Shards, the image in my head is Zeta laughing, which makes me all mushy. Maybe I should listen to that mushy feeling. What are you trying to tell me, mushy feeling?

Do you think I should go talk to her and apologize? I don’t know what I did, but maybe if she explained her side, my apology could be more sincere. Should I draw a picture for her or something to apologize? I might bring you along to write a quick apology letter if needed. I wouldn’t be surprised if I screwed something up. So maybe I should take ownership of it?

“That’s it!” I said, sitting up.

“What is?” Kalei asked.

“I know what I have to do.” I said.

“…OK?” Kalei said. “Is this a thing I should be a part of?”

“No…it’s something I must do on my own.” I said.

“If you’ve had enough and are gonna burn the place down or something, make sure you warn me at least.”

“It’s not that.” I said.

“I’m a fast packer,” Kalei said. “If you need like 20 minutes, I bet I can get all my stuff away before you light the first match.”

“I’m not going to burn the place down!” I said. “You’re distracting me. I have to go talk to Zeta.”

“What for?” Kalei asked. “Have you finally had enough of her and you're gonna light her on fire?”

“No! What’s with you and the pyromania today?”

“I’m playing a game about a fireball that burns cities down. It’s pretty cool.” Kalei said.

“I see.” I said. I didn’t understand any of Kalei’s video game things, all the ones she showed us seemed really weird and not the best examples of the medium. I shook my head, not letting myself get distracted anymore. “I gotta go!”

“Why not just wait til she gets back?” Kalei asked.

“I wanna fix this now.” I said.

“Fix what?”

I had a brief debate if I should bother Kalei with my issues. “I think I made Zeta mad, so…”

“You? Making Zeta mad?” Kalei asked.

“What? I can make her mad?” I don’t know why my immediate response was to be defensive about this, but alas.

“Sure but like, to the point you have to fix it?” Kalei said. She put her game in sleep mode and turned around on her chair to face me. “I know we all just met pretty much, but are you sure you got that one right, dude?”

“I…” I thought back to what happened. “She definitely told her sister on the phone that she was mad at someone. And kinda stormed past me. So it could’ve been me. And I did…something.” It was still theoretically possible it was me. Even likely, perhaps.

“You don’t even know what you did?” Kalei asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I don’t know!” I said. “I say a lot of stupid things…”

“She’s probably just mad that someone said Raina Starlight smells like ass or something.” Kalei said. “You didn’t say that, did you?”

“Ew, no!” I said.

“Then you’re probably good.” Kalei said. “But if it’d make you feel better, maybe go find her. I saw her hanging out in the first-floor lounge when I was heading back.”

“You freaking knew where she was this whole time and didn’t say?” That came out like a bark, which was pretty rude on my part.

“I didn’t know it’d be such a big deal for you!” Kalei said. “She didn’t look upset, so I didn’t think anything of it? I didn’t see her face I guess. She had her back to me. So she could’ve been crying or something.”

If she’d been crying, and I was standing around talking about it instead of doing something about it, I’d feel even worse.

“Alright…I’m gonna go…” I said.

“Cool, good luck,” Kalei said, turning her game back on.

“And um, sorry I got snippy there.” I said.

“What? Dude, you’re fine. We all get snippy with each other, it’s cool. Now if you keep me from this townsfolk burning level any longer, I will require an apology.”

"And thanks for um, telling me where she went." I said.

"Uh huh." Kalei said.

With that, I left to go find Zeta and hopefully give myself some peace of mind, at least.