(Resumed) Solstice

[Emmett]

Just because you can release Æther from your body doesn't mean you actually know how to do anything with it, or even release it consistently.

Ansel had bested me soundly several times after, and most of the class paused their own matches when they saw me wield Magick, even haphazardly, for the first time.

At the end, I actually felt good.

"Good work all!" Ser Larsen called, "Some of you got pretty efficient! Not bad at all, but you second-years need to put some work in! Those of you in my Physics class will be writing a short paragraph on momentum and how the concepts apply to Magick! Dismissed!"

Ansel walked toward me, patting my shoulder as he passed. "Good show Em! See you around?"

I nodded. "Thank you. Yeah, I think my Squad wants me for something."

Ansel let out a chuckle. "Oh yeah same. Abe wants me to practice blocking his bullshit Hagalaz meteors. Wish me luck?"

"Wait, you mean, Abraham from the Entrance Exams?" I recalled the rush of wind from the force of that explosion. "Yeah please be careful I don't want to see you hur-"

"I'll avoid the infirmary: I'd drown in guilt if I caused such a sweet soul to worry like that." Ansel blinked another speck of dust out of his eye, and left with that in lieu of an actual farewell.

Why were my cheeks warm and full again? And why did it feel the tips of my ears were on fire? I held my hand to my chest, and my breathing grew heavy for a moment.

"Em." I thought i heard a voice behind me. Why did the thought of Ansel spending time with me, holding me in his arms, make the world melt away?

A tap on the shoulder broke me out of my train of thought. "Emmett!" Grace had said, louder.

I stumbled forward before turning back to face her. "Ah, hello," I said somewhat sheepishly.

"I think you two have some chemistry going on."

I staggered back, the invasive warmth returning to my cheek. "What are you on about?!"

Grace let out a chuckle. "Alright, I'm done teasing you. I actually wanted to follow-up and complete that favor you asked of me."

I blinked. "You already did?"

Grace nodded, closing her eyes. "Technically, yes. I did complete the favor as requested." She opened her eyes again. "However, I don't feel my debt is resolved. To be specific, the spirit of your request was assistance in learning Magick. You have shown more of my past actions to be wrong, and doing this also helps our Squad, so I'm economizing. After this, I hope we can return to being friendly acquaintances."

Friendly acquaintances. I had wanted to be her acquaintance, or even friend, at first. She was kind to me, defended me from Patrick when we first met, or tried to anyway.

Then the Golden Palette mission happened and that optimism turned to shite. She had, rightfully, accused me of horrible things. Of viewing her as nothing more than an object to lust after, of treating her body as if I had every right to grope it, of discounting her expertise because she was a woman. Oh and she threatened to kill me once, under circumstances that more than warranted the threat, from her perspective, but still.

I had given up any hope of ever being on her good side, or really anyone's, other than maybe Ansel's. I had accepted it, and carved it into my heart.

Could I even undo that? Rather, should I go back, as if nothing ever happened? Was I strong enough to forgive? Or was I too weak?

"I..." I don't know if we can ever be friends, I was too cowardly to say.

"The logical extension of your original favor," Grace said, gracefully changing the subject to my relief, "I'd like to take you to the Library of Water, and let you read over the transcasting materials there. You have a lot of catching up to do, and I know a thing or two about feminine spellwork."

Well I would certainly hope so! "I'd appreciate that."

"Alright let's go. I need to introduce you to someone first."

We found ourselves at the gate to the College of Water when Grace stopped dead in her tracks. "Emmett, I want you to promise me one thing before I help you unlock your Magick in earnest."

I raised my eyebrows. "What... is it?" She already agreed to; what was this?

"Don't become a martyr."

"I... beg your pardon?"

"When I asked what you were thinking, when you said you fucked up and I assented," Grace took a slow, deep breath. "I wasn't angry that you summoned the Nightmare. What made me livid was that you, having narrowly avoided certain death, turned around and threw yourself back in harm's way."

"You were still-"

"Two high-ranking Professors were on scene; we were safe!" Grace interjected, "The way you were pulled to the side, I thought I saw you die. And seeing you clawing your way back through, with no way to survive if any fucking thing went wrong..."

I shook my head. "You'd shown me kindness. I couldn't abandon you."

"And you'd throw your life away for any such person?" Grace asked. "Are you so worthless that common kindness is worth your life?"

I opened my mouth-

"Don't answer that." Grace shook her head. "I'm reacting this severely for personal reasons, related to my private life. There's a chance that your answer would rouse me to such anger as to cancel this arrangement."

I saw the warning hidden behind the words and gave a grunt of acknowledgement. "Alright. I'll be more mindful of danger."

"That's not the same and you know it," said Grace, "but it'll do for now, I suppose. Let's go, before this devolves into a shouting match."

I agreed, and she brought me up a few stories, stopping before the door of one of the Professor's offices. She gave it three polite knocks, and a woman opened it on the other side.

I recognized that long, black hair flanking her pearly smile anywhere. "Ser Fayt?"

"Ah, Miss Gardner, nice to see you!" my Literary Analysis I instructor greeted, "And Mister Sinclair. A surprise to see you, but not unwelcome. What brings you here?"

Grace looked toward me. "Am I okay to share?"

"Share wha-" Oh right, the reason we were even here. "Yeah go ahead."

"Emmett just discovered he transcasts, and I want to let him learn about the topic from the Library of Water, but he is a Student of Æther, so I was wondering if you'd be willing to help him in the future in case I'm busy."

Ser Fayt looked to me and nodded. "Well, I suppose I'd be willing to, provided you refrain from falling behind in my class Mister Sinclair."

"O-of course," I replied.

"Excellent. We face some difficulty with you being a Remedial... actually." Ser Fayt held a hand out, and a decorated card, gold border, blue stock and white text, glided into my hand. "We Faculty have more latitude than the students in this regard. It's a good thing Miss Gardner brought you here first. This card will instruct the librarian to overlook both of your remedial statuses. You still won't be able to check out books, but you'll be able to enter."

"Oh right," Grace sighed, "I forgot about that."

I glanced at Grace with doe eyes. Why did I always forget she was in the same boat as I?!

"Yeah, my little ice trick didn't do enough to the obelisk. I have the raw power; it's just I went for eloquence over utility and it cost me. I'm waiting until you retest out of consideration to the staff who have to move the thing."

"Mister Sinclair," Ser Fayt said, "I won't be able to override both your remedial and non-Water status at once, but if you come to me during office hours, I can provide additional guidance into the world we now share."

"Share?" I asked, "You too?"

"Technically?" Fayt replied, "I'm in an unusual category, and was very nearly assigned to the College of Air because of it. I like here better though, so I fought it and won."

Assigned to the Air College? Despite being a Water Magus?

"Now off to your studies, Miss Gardner, Mister Sinclair. See you in class tomorrow."

"See you in class, Ser," I replied.

"Library's in the basement," said Grace, "Let's go."

The Library of Water was very similar to the General Library, what with it being underground, requiring climbing a long stairwell, the ninety-minute mattresses, and the shelves upon shelves of books. One major difference was that the lighter azures were replaced with cobalt blues, and a lot of the decoration was more water-themed. There were even runes on the carpet, but I ignored them at first.

"A Student of Æther in the Library of Water?" the feminine librarian asked coolly.

Grace gently took the card from my hand and gave it to her. "Ser Fayt wanted me to give this to you, and he is my guest. We're looking for resources on transcasting."

"I see. While this card is authentic, your guest will have to leave at eight. Overnight use of a College Library is reserved for members of that College. I will help select materials for your study."

The two of us found a table to sit at while the Librarian sifted through the shelves.

"Well," Grace started, "The other part of my favor. I'm going to give you some pointers." She held her hand out, and the glowing torchlight spell emanated from it, perfectly, without any fluctuation. "Bring yours out as well; I'd like to demonstrate something before we get our stack of literature."

I held my hand out, and took in a deep breath. I closed my fingers partway, and the azure light bloomed forth. Mine pulsed erratically in contrast to her stillness, but she gave it a smile.

"This is actually a spell we use to teach young women how to manipulate Æther." As if to demonstrate the point, her torchlight waxed, then waned, at a very deliberate slow pace. It widened, then it shrunk. "As I said an hour ago, we are speakers, not painters. I want you to notice the thrum of Æther flowing through you, out of your vessel and into your hand. Focus on it, feel what's it like to open and close."

I nodded and focused on my torchlight. I couldn't feel anything per se, but if I listened for-

Jessica's Hand Touching A Thorn On My Front

-the ghostly wind, it returned with a vengeance, and my spell grew brighter and stronger. I remembered the feeling from the conference room and tensed my hand to pull it back down. The spell almost winked out, but I kept it alive, just barely. I relaxed my grip a little bit and the spell returned to normal.

"Hm." Grace gave a pensive nod. "It is well known that men close themselves off, and it seems you're using the masculine style as a shorthand. Clever. You will want to divorce that notion so you can cast when your life depends on it, but you can use it as a learning aide for now." She visibly tensed her face and arms to an exaggerated extent and her spell expanded out in tendrils and shapes, contrary to my own. Her Æther hardened and solidified into a gladius in her hand, then melted back into azure light, siphoning below her fist into a reverse-gripped knife, with the spiked wristguard and everything. She melted it back down and fashioned it into a spear.

"Speaker, not a painter," Grace said, finally letting her muscles relax, "We draw from within ourselves. We shape desires with our minds and hearts, and whisper intentions through our spirits. We hone awareness, and listen to ourselves, as we would our friends and partners. In the end, our bodies are little more than media for the energies we weave. Therefore, so long as we draw breath, we can breathe life unto Magick."

I watched the weapon melt upward to the tip. Breathing life unto Magick: Ansel had said the same thing. And when I was tense, in pitched combat, I had pushed Æther through myself. Not enough to do anything, but I'd pulled it off nonetheless. If I got that awareness Grace mentioned, would I be able to use Magick freely?

The azure light formerly known as a spear pulsed out, washing cool light in all directions. It had finally dawned on me: I was a Magus. Not some pretender or faker, an actual Magick-user.

"Please refrain from flashy demonstrations in the Library," the Librarian said with a quiet yet piercing softness, snapping my focus to the books she had just set down. "I assume your guest is trans."

"Uh, what," I said, "I'm still a ma-"

"He transcasts, yes," Grace said. Oh right.

The Librarian turned to me. "If you are transgender, then hells await you."

I blinked. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"The dissonance builds," she continued, "waxing, consuming you, and when you learn what it is and whence it came, it grows ever stronger. Eventually your life incarnates despair. When it does, you have a choice. You may live a life of misery and loathing, staving away the want to throw it all away. Or you may seek a lake-sage bearing Yin's will, that she may relieve you of your pain, and your Magick."

My hand-glowy spell winked out, and my jaw went slack. I looked down, my head running a little faint. I noticed the carpeting was a deep, blueish black, or blackish blue, embossed with what looked to be giant... Othala runes, the ones with the diamond and two prongs. Inside the runes were printed twin lightning-bolt runes. Between the Othala runes lay Jera runes, and the pattern extended in all directions.

"Are you well?" The Librarian asked before following my eyes to the carpet, "Oh. Yes, that would be alarming. What you see is our former insignia as the Sleepless Seminary. Sowilo marked our name, and Othala centered our spirits. The Jera runes are a College of Water addition, chosen for the tides instead of the obvious Laguz. We are doubtless the only College who has not completely erased this dreadful sigil, but we retain this testament to how far we've come from what we once were. It instills a quiet resolve in us, an unerring faith that we will never be lost eternal."

I looked up. "Why the name change?" Headmaster Clarent went so far as to threaten severe punishment; there had to be a reason, and I was desperate to focus on anything not-trans-related for a few minutes after hearing that omen about dissonance.

The Librarian pulled out a chair and sat next to us. "You have heard of the Eldest Crusades?"

I shook, shivered, my fists clenched. "Y-yes... Aegis said-" 

"Emmett," Grace said, "please, breathe. You're tense."

I snapped a glare toward Grace, then held back at the last minute before yelling. We were in a Library.

The Librarian nodded. "The Emissaries of Total Salvation look up to them, yes. The Eldest Crusades were a guild of Magi who believed that Dreamers, those who could only dream to hold Magick, were the cause of the Nightmares that appear whenever Respite is broken. The idea was to exterminate every non-Magus, down to the child, to free the rest of us from the horrors beyond comprehension."

Grace balked. "That's preposterous! Dreamers can only manipulate the material, physical world. Why would anyone think they could control Nightmares?!"

The Librarian shook her head. "That we still don't know, but we changed our name because it was this campus that housed the original Crusaders, whether we knew it or not. Even the Headmaster of the time was involved."

My stomach churned, and I grasped the library table for support. The world started to spin.

"They operated in secret and cultivated influence across the continent, and one fateful Enday two generations ago, when they grew big enough, they staged an attack on the Seminary itself."

"The Nightmare War," I heard Grace murmur.

"Correct. I won't go into details, but the Crusades attacked during Respite, aiming to destroy the campus utterly and then rebuild it so they can operate openly. It would have worked, too, if it weren't for the efforts of one graduate student named Percival Clarent and the small resistance he could gather on zero notice to fight not only his former teachers, but the Nightmares as well. Even then, most of the student body perished, and the College of Æther was gone. This is why he is our Headmaster, by the way: after the Nightmares returned to the Umbral Reverse, Clarent claimed the role and shut down the seminary. Two decades passed, campus was repaired, and the Student Centre built over the surviving Library of Æther. We are open once more, this time as the Can Vahs Arcane Colleges, with staff answerable to the provincial government, and by extension, the people."

Before I could speak, the Librarian stood back up, quiet yet firm. "Take a moment to breathe, dear guest, and know that we have changed, the tides of fate washing out the remnants of corruption. I wish you luck on your journey to come." She bowed to us, and returned to her station at the reception table.

"Hey, Emmett?" Grace asked gently, "Do you need a moment to reflect?"

I shook my head. "N-no."

"Your voice is shaking. If you need to decompress, please do. Channeling Æther as a woman is an intimate affair and your emotions will color the result. Men, well, other men, can suppress it as their Æther is seized from without. We can't. Please, don't try to muscle through this. Take as much time as you need."

I shook my head, then slowly nodded. I had nearly snapped at Grace again when she didn't deserve it. I tried to speak, but there was this abominable lump in my throat. What was it, and why did I not notice it before?

And why did that talk about transgender and dissonance scare me stiff?

As much as I wanted to rest, time was limited. I had to do something. The spellcasting could wait. The books couldn't. I needed to figure out what was happening to me, and work out what my options were.

"W-would you mind," I started, "i-if we looked over, the um, books?"

"Hm." Grace took a slow breath. "I don't see why not."

I breathed a soft sigh of relief. "Thank you, thank you." I didn't want to waste her time; I could sort out these emotions later. We had each pulled a book from the stack and cracked it open.