Reroll: I Brought Sarcasm To A Sword Fight

I woke up with a loud thud and a jolt.

"Ah! What was that?"

"Don't think I didn't notice you assumed I was an alarm. Stop whining and pull yourself together. All life forms nearby are either asleep or tucked away. This is your window."

Right. Tonight's the night...

I jumped out of bed like a kung fu master.

Wiping the drool from my mouth, I glanced at the items neatly laid out on the table.

"Don't worry, I already checked. Gareth brought everything in abundance. I'll get to work after we're back tonight."

"You've actually become helpful since cutting back the sarcasm."

"After this morning's mental collapse, I dialed my sarcasm settings down to 23%. Would you like it back at 100%?"

"Let's keep it there for tonight. This mission doesn't leave much room for comedy. But read the room, and sarcasm as needed."

"Understood."

"Can I head straight to the back door?"

"For now, no threats detected. If anything changes, I'll notify you. Proceed."

As the wooden floor creaked under my feet, I reached for the doorknob…

"Hold up," Mnex interrupted. "Uploading stealth protocol. Might help with the noise."

"Uhm... okay?"

"Compressed data incoming. Uploading... Complete."

A mild sting behind my eyes. But I was starting to get used to this weird sensation.

"What's the trigger?"

"Just think about how you should walk."

The moment I thought it, the knowledge downloaded as if I'd known it all along.

First, heel to the ground. Then slide the full sole diagonally, keeping weight on the heel.

I took a few experimental steps, no creaking.

"Congratulations. You've passed the stealth test."

"Are you training me to be an assassin? What's next, ninja stars?"

"Don't flatter yourself. That was basic locomotion."

"Well, it worked. Not even a squeak."

"If you stall any longer, Raymond's anxiety level will hit 50%. Move it."

He was right. I opened the door and slipped into the hallway.

Nothing happened until I reached the stairs.

"There's minor movement downstairs. One of the maids is doing her final checks. Wait one minute. Then move."

I froze. Mnex's voice came just in time. After a tense pause, I crept down the stairs, slow and steady.

The front door was ahead of me, but I veered off. My target was the back door through the kitchen hallway.

"Stop," Mnex ordered again. "Step to the threshold on your left. Turn your head sideways."

I obeyed instantly. The kitchen door creaked open.

If whoever came out turned toward the stairs… I was toast.

"Lean your right arm on the frame. Extend it parallel. Grip the knob. Slowly shift your weight back and ease it open."

Easier said than done...

"Hurry. Unless you want to get caught."

I mimicked every move with slow, shaky precision. My small frame helped. The door inched open... just in time.

A pair of footsteps passed, quick, unbothered. The maid didn't even glance at the door, which now sat slightly ajar.

I exhaled slowly, my heart racing.

Only then did I realize where I had landed.

A built-in broom closet.

"Can I come out now?"

"Quick. Get to the back door. Next time, you might not be so lucky."

I slipped out of the closet and darted toward the exit.

I stepped outside, expecting to see Raymond.

No one.

"Did he get scared and run off, or did he never show?"

"Relax," Mnex replied. "There's a life form in the bushes up ahead."

And there he was. Hunched down like a scared rabbit.

"Oh, young master! You're finally here. I was terrified. I didn't know what to do, so I just... hid."

"Yeah, I can see that. You can come out now."

"Are you sure no one's around?"

How does this man even gamble?

"Yes, I'm sure. Move."

Raymond rose slowly, brushing leaves and twigs off his coat. He looked pitiful.

I caught myself thinking, did I look like that in my previous life?

"Don't confuse cowardice with failure," Mnex chimed in, likely adjusting his sarcasm settings. "Raymond is a coward. You, on the other hand, were a failure, down to your bone marrow."

Hey... I got the point the first time, no need to carve it into my soul.

"We made it this far, but what now? There are still guards at the gate…"

Mnex?

Yeah, I hadn't really thought that far.

"It was foolish of me to expect a perfect plan from you," he muttered, dripping with disappointment.

Hey, I got us this far, didn't I? Maybe help out a bit?

"You still have the Lumars you swindled from Raymond today?"

Lumars? You mean the silver coins? Of course. It's in my pocket.

"Good. Now listen carefully. Here's what we're going to do, then explain it to Raymond…"

Evening. In front of Godfrey Mansion's grand gates.

"How much longer do we have to stay on guard?"

The younger soldier groaned.

"I dunno, and I don't care. Better this than chasing beggars down every alley."

"Yeah, but I wish they hadn't canceled shifts."

"Are you dumb or just pretending?"

The older soldier glared.

"Hey, I was just saying! We've been standing here all day. Wouldn't it be better if one of us watched while the other sat?"

The younger one tried to bargain with reason, but only earned more glares.

Then, footsteps echoed from inside the mansion.

"Ah, haha! Good to see two strong, reliable soldiers guarding the estate!"

Raymond emerged like a nervous theater actor trying to remember his lines, his arms awkward and stiff.

He tripped.

Hard.

Thud! He landed face first.

The soldiers blinked.

They both knew Raymond. He was a regular at the gambling dens, but this was new.

He didn't move.

Worried now, they rushed to his side.

While their full attention was on Raymond, a faint shadow glided past the base of the wall and slipped out through the open gate.

Henry had vanished.

"Raymond, you okay?"

"You better not be drunk again."

Raymond suddenly twitched. His eyes darted around frantically.

The soldiers looked around too, trying to find whatever had startled him.

Then he burst out, rapid fire.

"No, no! I'm fine, not drunk, just... thinking about which gambling den to hit tonight, you know, haha... I'd better go before it gets too late!"

And he ran.

Full sprint.

Didn't even look back.

The soldiers stood frozen.

One shrugged.

The other shrugged back.

They returned to their posts.

After slipping through the mansion gates, I followed the long, empty road toward the city.

I stayed hidden among the shadows, waiting for Raymond to catch up.

'The lack of structures around the mansion makes infiltration hard, but escaping? That part's surprisingly easy.'

"I have a theory," Mnex chimed in. "I believe TABAAL granted you another hidden favor."

'What now?'

"This wasn't in the plan. Raymond was supposed to distract the guards by accidentally dropping the lumars in his hand and scattering them around. None of my simulations included him falling flat on his face as a viable tactic."

'Instead of mocking me for being lucky, maybe you should broaden your data parameters,' I thought, smirking.

Though in truth, I was starting to think Raymond had dumb luck.

Then I heard fast footsteps.

Really fast.

Followed by frantic breathing.

Raymond burst onto the scene like a cannonball.

His legs spun so fast they were a blur. He only stopped when he reached me, barely avoiding a full faceplant, and gasped for breath.

"H-How was I? Was I good? I thought we were done for...!"

"Are those the soldiers?"

"AHHHHH!"

He jumped like he'd been stabbed and spun around, scanning for pursuers.

Come on man, I wasn't even trying.

"Young master, please don't joke like that! I could've died!"

I ignored him and started walking toward the city.

"W-Wait! Let me catch my breath! Hey, do you even know where you're going?"

"Nope," I replied without turning. "And if you don't show me, I'll get lost and tomorrow my father will lop off your head. So move."

He teleported to my side like lightning.

So fast, the breeze made my cloak flutter.

As we walked, Raymond started explaining our destination:

The Muddy Pig Tavern.

Apparently, it was shady, dangerous… and had a hidden gambling section.

Sounded like our kind of place.