Reincarnated as the God of Shitty Life Counseling for Defective Washed Up Waifus

Consultation 149.

“God, how do I read a book?”

“Just read it dumbass.”

“What? That’s it? That’s all the advice you’ve got?”

“What else did you really expect?”

“But I need to know how to get the guy I like to think I look attractive when reading. Just reading isn’t good enough~”

I clicked my tongue in a foul mood and said, “If that’s what this is about then say that sooner. What sort of guy are we talking about here?”

She pushed her two index fingers together and started pushing  “Uh, well, he’s like super cool and handsome. He’s pretty skinny. He wears a cool black robe and is super duper mysterious. Oh, right he also wears glasses too and always carries around a book with him. He’s definitely super into reading for sure which is why I want to know how I read a book in a way he finds attractive.”

“I see. What is his favorite color?”

“Is that important?”

“Yeah.”

“It might be black… no, maybe red. I’m not 100% sure.” She tilted her head from left to right while struggling to answer. That simple action alone was enough for me to understand.

“I understand.”

“The best way to appeal to him by reading a book is to invite him to the library and have him see you reading a book when he gets there.”

“Whaaaat~ but that’s like super lame, there’s no way he’d think I look attractive with just that.”

“Did I ever say that was all you had to do?”

“Oh. There’s more?”

“Of course there is.”

“What is it? What is it? Tell me, tell me~”

“You must slit the throats of all the people in the library with a kitchen knife. Make sure to get their blood to spray all over your clothes, body and face. After that you need to hang their bodies upside down from the ceiling surrounding a table you’ll be reading at. You will decapitate them and place their heads on the table all pointed toward you while you read. The blood from their bodies will pool on the ground below your table and feet. When your romantic interest comes along, it will definitely be love at first sight. You will appear to be the most refined and beautiful woman he has ever seen.”

“Ohhhhhh! This is great, God! I never imagined you could read like this! This will surely woo him!”

“Yeah, it will, now please be on your way. I’ve got more clients to deal with.”

“Alright. Thank you very much, God.”

She stood up and exited the room while I felt my anxieties draining away as I’d completed my first consultation back in such a long time.

Why was the advice I gave her what she needed? Well, naturally, it was because her romantic interest was an undead necromancer… I think. I was pretty sure I interpreted it correctly… probably. As long as I wasn’t rusty and hadn’t mistaken what type of clients I had, it should be okay.

I suddenly realized just what sort of advice I actually gave her and the sense of relief I felt over completing my first consultation back in a while disappeared.  Ah, yes, this feeling I’m now feeling. It was one I’m all too familiar with. The feeling of questioning what is wrong with my head. Why the hell did I want to come back to work again? Was I just that stupid or something?

Oh, right, money. I couldn’t let my wives support me like I was some kind of no-good lazy bum. 

Ah, yes. 

Hello, Poverty, my old friend. 

It’s been quite some time since we’ve met. 

How have you been, Poverty? 

Oh? 

Good, you say? 

That’s great to hear. 

As you can probably see, I’m doing pretty shitty as usual, so could you do me a big favor and please leave me alone for once in my life? 

What’s that you say? 

No? 

Ah, it’s okay. I understand, Poverty, I just thought I’d ask. I know how it is, for some to know Prosperity there needs to be many times more who know you, Poverty. I just was unlucky and never got to meet Prosperity.

Haaaaaah. Why am I personifying Poverty and Prosperity? Just how low has my sanity quotient dropped off in my time away from work?