PTSD Military Chaplain of the Academy

– Bang!

Bang. The sound of howitzers firing. An image that never becomes familiar, the mangled corpse of a person. The explosive sounds echoing in the distance.

I saw the barrel of a cannon that had burst open like a banana. It was a 155mm howitzer. The high-explosive shell had detonated from within.

The gunner was dead. The assistant gunner, who had been diligently turning the wheel, was left with only his lower body. There’s so much blood inside a human body. It was a good lesson.

No. Lesson or not, I want to live. I want to live. I want to live…!

Just then, someone approached me. Why are they grabbing my shoulder? Don’t shake me! I’m fine!

Look at my body! I have ten fingers, and toes… Do I have ten?

I can’t see because of the military boots. I can’t tell if I have all ten toes. I have to take off my boots and check right away.

– Bang!

It exploded again. It exploded again! This time it fell right nearby! The trench collapsed! Engineers! Engineers!

The screams of people. Gunfire. Corpses scattered here and there like laundry. A body partially eaten by rats.

Is it tasty? No. It can’t be tasty. That’s a person.

But I’m hungry. There are corpses lying around. The rats are eating them happily. What makes me worse than a rat? That rat has found something to eat. I could have at least one bite.

Enemies are approaching. Enemies all around. There’s no way to escape! We’re surrounded! We’re all going to die!

It’s been over a month since supplies were cut off! We are isolated! The command headquarters has abandoned us! We’re all going to die!

All of us. We’re all going to die! Not a single one will be left!

The enemies are coming! The enemies, the enemies are coming!

I want to live. I want to live…

I want to live! I want to live! I’m begging! Anyone will do, just get me out of this hell! I’d rather someone kill me—

“Priest!”

“Huh—!”

I opened my eyes. The breath I had been holding for a long time burst out.

A female professor with a worried expression was grabbing my shoulder and shaking it continuously.

“Are you okay? You’ve been sweating cold since earlier… If you’re not feeling well, you should go back first. I’ll speak to the president for you.”

“I-I’m fine, huff… I’m fine.”

In reality, I was not fine. I wiped my forehead soaked with cold sweat with a handkerchief. Wait. Why is there blood on it…

“Oh, no… no….”

“Priest?”

“…Huh?”

I was back. Thank goodness. It keeps trying to come back to me. I shook my head vigorously. My mind was a mess, but it was better that way.

I forced a smile at the still concerned-looking professor. She sat down beside me with a worried expression.

“Oh my! Priest! Your hand!”

My hand? I looked at my hand.

The half-burnt cigarette was trying to burn my hand too. I stared at it blankly.

Before I knew it, the professor swatted my hand away. The tiny remains of the cigarette that was hardly even a butt flew far away.

“Are you really okay? You need to introduce yourself in the auditorium later.”

“Yes… I’m fine. Just a little tired.”

“You seem really tired… You should have slept on time.”

“Haha…”

I’m tired. My eyes are gritty. I want to lay down somewhere and sleep all day.

I fiddled with my slightly stinging index and middle fingers, complaining. Suddenly, I noticed my hand was trembling. I clasped my hands tightly together. The trembling subsided a bit.

This is why I didn’t want to come to crowded places.

In the distance, many new students were entering the academy with excited expressions. Seeing that brought back bad memories, and I frowned.

I put a cigarette in my mouth. I had already smoked more than half, but living long is meaningless.

The spasms in my hand wouldn’t stop. Because of that, the cigarette I had just put in my mouth fell to the dirt ground.

“Damn it…”

I brushed off the dirt and put it back in my mouth. The gritty earth particles were unpleasant.

I guess I need to get some new medication.