Poop Mage: Manure Mysteries

Bob shuffled nervously to the Elemental Stones, six shiny gems glinting in the sun like they were daring him to mess up. Everyone was staring—waiting, amused, and curious. He’d already shattered an orb earlier; who knew what he'd do to these stones? But he pushed the thought away. Just stay calm, touch the stones, and hope for no disasters. Easy, right?

Cooper gave him a thumbs-up, while Professor Emberlin looked on, her face somewhere between curiosity and suspicion. Bob took a deep breath and reached for the first stone—the Fire Stone.

The red gem felt warm, and for a moment, nothing happened. Bob relaxed. Maybe it would go smoothly. But then a tiny flame flickered up, weak and sputtering like a wet matchstick. The flame’s color twisted, shifting to an odd brownish tint, like it couldn’t decide if it was fire or... something else.

The students snickered, and Bob’s face heated up. Emberlin's eyebrow arched, clearly puzzled, scribbling in her notes. The flame gave a final sad wiggle and fizzled out with a hiss.

“Okay... that wasn’t too bad,” Bob thought, moving quickly to the next gem, the Water Stone.

Smooth and blue, the Water Stone swirled like a small ocean. Bob pressed his palm against it, expecting a cool splash. At first, a gentle ripple spread. But then the water darkened, turning thick and slimy, oozing like molasses mixed with swamp goo.

One of the teachers cleared her throat, trying to cover her confusion. “Ah, perhaps a... water-earth blend?” she guessed, though she didn’t sound convinced.

“More like... water-gross,” Bob thought, stepping away quickly. The gem oozed out a slimy trail that dripped to the ground with a wet splat. Bob’s face twisted as he moved to the Earth Stone, hoping to leave that disaster behind.

The Earth Stone felt rough and heavy, like any old rock. He pressed his hand to it, expecting it to crumble into nice, loose soil like it did for everyone else. It did crumble—but not into soil. Instead, it turned into thick, lumpy mud that dripped down in sticky globs. Each splat on the ground echoed with an unpleasant plop, spreading in dark, nasty puddles.

Bob looked down and cringed. This mud was... chunky. He wiped his hand on his robe, hoping no one noticed. But of course, one student whispered loudly to another, “Is that... supposed to happen?”

No one answered.

Bob sighed. At least they didn’t know it wasn’t just mud. He hurried on to the Air Stone.

The Air Stone sparkled clear and white, like a frozen breath in winter. Bob placed his hand on it, feeling a gentle breeze wrap around his fingers. “Alright, not too bad,” he thought. But then, an unmistakable stench filled the air—pungent and sour. The breeze picked up, spreading the smell like a terrible, invisible prank.

“Whoa, who cut the cheese?” someone shouted, setting the whole courtyard roaring with laughter. Bob’s face went beet red. He could hear Cooper losing it beside him.

“Classic, Pooper!” Cooper howled, nearly doubling over. “Hit ‘em with the ol’ ‘Wind of Woe’!”

Bob forced a weak smile, but all he wanted was for the ground to swallow him whole. He stepped away quickly and reached for the Light Stone.

It glowed brightly like a tiny sun, golden and pure. Please, let this one be normal, he prayed, pressing his hand to the stone. The light flickered... then sputtered. Instead of a strong glow, it dimmed, flickering weakly until it was just a sad, brownish shade, like a dirty candle struggling to stay lit.

A couple of teachers exchanged glances, frowning. The Light Stone's glow flickered weakly before fading into a dull, tired shade.

Bob's stomach churned. Just one more stone, he thought. Please let it be normal.

The final stone, the Dark Stone, sat like a shadow on its pedestal. Bob placed his hand on the smooth black surface, praying it wouldn’t go wrong. The stone trembled, its darkness swirling and deepening. Then it cracked, thin lines spreading across its surface. It groaned, the shadows twisting together, until finally, it split open and... reformed.

What was left was no longer a stone—it was some weird, lumpy, wobbly blob. Kinda gross, kinda creepy, like it didn't know what it was supposed to be. No one said a word; they just stared.

Whispers filled the courtyard. The teachers exchanged wide-eyed glances, and Professor Emberlin rapped her staff on the ground. “This... is highly unusual,” she said, giving Bob a look like he’d just grown a third arm. “We’ll need another test.”

Bob gulped, staring at the mess he’d made of the stones. Of course, he thought. Of course, I need more tests. And he had a bad feeling it was only going to get stranger.

The teachers quickly moved on, calling other students for their turn. Bob slinked back to Cooper, who was grinning ear to ear. “Wow,” Cooper whispered, leaning close. “Best test ever. Seriously, Pooper, how are they gonna top that?”

Bob tried to smile, but his stomach twisted up even more. And then he felt it—the bubbling, gurgling rise of mana inside him. The pressure was growing, like a balloon ready to burst.

“Not now... please, not now,” he whispered, clenching his fists so hard his knuckles went white. He squeezed his cheeks tight—all four of them—trying to keep control. But with every breath, the pressure only grew worse.

Ding! “Mana Overflow Detected!” P.U.M.A.’s cheerful voice chimed in Bob’s ears. “Warning, User! Stink pressure rising! Release recommended!”

Bob’s eyes darted around. Stay calm, stay cool, he thought. Don’t become the guy who gasses up the whole academy.

But the pressure built and—pffft. A quiet, sneaky fart slipped out. Not loud, but deadly. The smell was sharp and awful, creeping through the hall like an invisible prank. Bob’s face turned bright red as he clenched every muscle he could to stop any more from escaping.

Nearby students wrinkled their noses, eyes darting around. “What is that?” one muttered, holding their breath. “Did someone cast a stink spell?”

“Is... is this part of the test?” whispered another, waving a hand to clear the air. Bob stood still, trying to look innocent, hoping nobody would suspect him.

But the smell spread quickly, and fingers started to point—but not at Bob. They pointed at a chubby guy standing nearby, with big ears and a face going as red as his robes. Hand-me-down robes, too, the kind from a poor noble family. He tried to shrink into himself, but his size made that impossible.

“Ew, it’s gotta be him!” a student hissed. “Look at him—he smells like that all the time.”

“Yeah, for sure,” another chimed in, nodding. “His family works with manure. Probably can’t even tell they stink anymore!”

The kid’s eyes darted around. “N-no, it’s not me!” he stammered, voice cracking. “I swear, I didn’t—”

Too late. The whispers grew louder, turning to shouts. “Just admit it, dude! You stink!”

“Man, I can taste it! How?!”

A teacher, face twisted in disgust, finally snapped. “Enough!” He glared at the kid. “Clean yourself up. Come back when you learn some hygiene!”

The boy’s face crumpled. He opened his mouth to protest but just ran, eyes full of tears, as the crowd parted like he was contagious.

Bob’s stomach sank. This isn’t fair, he thought. I should say something... But he stayed quiet. Because saying something meant confessing. And he wasn’t ready to be that guy.

Cooper, laughing hard, slapped his knee. “Pooper, you didn’t even try, and that poor sap took the blame! True stink magic, man!” Bob forced a smile, but guilt gnawed at him.

A new message popped up in his vision from P.U.M.A.: “Release Complete! Pressure reduced. Well done!”

Great, Bob thought. Just great.